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Thanks for all the kind words, encouragement and good advice on my previous post about making a decision. I'm throwing this out to the general line, because after reading what you've said here - I have an important question:
I believe that he really does want to start a new relationship, but he so desperately needs to stay friends with me. As soon as I say - NO CONTACT - it drives him crazy and he needs to plead his case to me at all costs. You see - I don't really feel I can trust him and never will again, and he KNOWS this, and for that reason - in my heart I don't want the relationship to continue.
The biggest problem is that my ego is getting in the way here. If I were to say to him that we could be friends, he'd gladly go out and find someone else, and who knows - he could end up happy. He doesn't want to be with me - because I know 'who' he is. I believe he wants to start fresh and go through the motions of normalcy, until it becomes reality. I believe that if he finds someone who sets boundaries (where I didn't), he may even quit drinking.
In a way - if I cared about him enough, I'd set him free by saying I'd be his friend. I know the scenario - he'd go on dates, and tell me all about them, and ask my advice and I'd generally be his confidante.
I just find that either my ego is getting in the way of this - or that it would just add insult to injury after having spent 11 years trying to help him 'grow up' and feeling that if there were to be good results that I should be the one who reaps them. I'm like 'mommy' and he wants to venture out there and see what there is to see, but have me available in the wings in case things don't work out. I just don't know how I can do this without feeling used and abused, but if I could I would.
You see - I don't even want a relationship ever again, myself, because I don't even know what normal is anymore and it seems the only people I would attract are more people like him. Everyone, who is normal, would see me as damaged goods, which I feel that I am now! I just have no life anymore (other than him).
Should I let him go - stay friends with him - let my ego go - see him with other women - be there as a confidante - attempt to detach in all my feelings for him - start my new life - possibly be happy, and ultimately even feel good enough about myself once again to date?
OR
Should I forgive him once again (since he is pleading pretty hard this time), ignore evidence if I find it that he is still having this fantasy life talking to other women as though he's normal, and either allow him to discover that he can't find a relationship with ANYONE until he faces his own issues or possibly start up another relationship (behind my back - which I'll find out about, because I'm always 2 steps ahead of him) and have to deal with the issue under even more duress? (And of course - with the possibility of him actually realizing how much I mean to him and how important our relationship really is.)
Sorry - just so confused and exhausted and can't think of how I can make this work, without hurting even more (if that's possible).
I'm really sorry you are going through this. It stinks when we love someone and they are unable to emotionally give back and be present in our lives or theirs. I don't think anyone can answer these questions for you except you. The confusion is intense I often get confused as well. Fear is an emotion that can be crippling if we let it. I think you know what you need to do already, maybe you are not trusting your instincts. Maybe it would help to sit with this for a day or two or however long you feel you need. You don't have to make a decision just because he's pressuring you to. Give yourself time to feel what you are feeling, then ask yourself again what you want to do and what you don't want to do. Remember, Easy Does It, and One Day At a Time. The answers will come for you. In the meantime, take care of you and don't worry about him. Something I've realized about my "a" he doesn't dwell on me and my feelings half as much as I do. Hell, he doesn't dwell on his own feelings for too long. It's too uncomfortable for him so he busy's himself with other things. Stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I battle with some of this myself as you are aware. I am so sorry that any of us have to deal with this. I don't have an answer for you (or me yet) but I have a comment and some of the questions I am asking myself.
- Comment - Nobody is going to make him happy or make him normal, further there is noone out there that is going to make him get clean but him. There is nobody that would provide him more love and more chances than you have. You are not his problem. You are a wonderful person to care so much that instead of heaving him into a dumpster you are getting help for you so you can preserve your sanity and your marriage.
- What is best for you (I know this is what your struggling with, but it's what I am asking me)
- Are you basing your decission on what he says,thinks,feels in any way?
- If he were not an A, would you think twice about your decission?
Like I said I don't have any anwers myself yet, but this is the stuff I am trying to find honest answers for. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and find peace with your decission either way.
You know there are lots of people who care for you either way here.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If you know what your decision should be then you know what you need to do right? The best prediction of the future with this man is your past. Obviously I would support you in any decision that you make. This is your decision, however are you just asking until you can justify staying? Waiting to hear the answer that you want to hear?
Personally I would not be comfortable seeing my ex with others and hearing about his conquests with other women. Why is he so desperate to keep you as a friend? If he cared about you why would he want a relationship that is hurting you? It sounds like control to me. He gets to be in control of your emotions either way.
I was told to wait 6 months to a year before making any major decisions when I found al-anon.
My experience was finding out that there was always one person who was always present in all of the troubled times of my life...it was me. I needed to work on me. I had to admit for the very first time that I could not trust my own thinking and decision making. I really need others. (I was a loner with the nickname "Lone Ranger" so being with others and learning from them was a very desperate measure. This decision was made by my Higher Power who put an unseen, unknown, never met member of the Al-Anon Family Groups on the Hot Line mysteriously as I was trying to find the Help in Emotional Trouble people. They put me on hold. I tried the suicide prevention hot-line and they were all out to lunch. I have absolutely come to the belief that HP then put my finger over the bold print of the white pages of my phone book that read Al-Anon, no more no less.
I stopped asking questions regarding her and me and started listening to people with time and their experiences. I asked them a lot of questions and most often I was told to "Keep coming back" to the meetings. They give suggestions not advise. Get literature, lots of it. Get a sponsor and do 90 meetings (or as many as I could get to) in the next 90 days. Since I wasn't going to do any decision making for a while that regarded what to do with the alcoholic and me I just decided to take the suggestions given to me for me.
I got humble. "The three "c's", I started rebuilding a faith in a Power Greater than Jerry F who could bring me to sanity (and much more). I cleaned my own house and side of the street (life) and continue to help others without feeling responsible for them and their choices.
Maybe the solution is not to ask the question for now or ask it to your HP without waiting for an answer you and you only think you understand. Maybe the solution is 90/90 and literature and a sponsor. Maybe...It worked for me and all those who suggested it.
You've really been there for me and although I don't know which way is up myself...I had to reply. I would have to draw up boundaries even if we remain friends. I wold not want to here about his dates and other women in his life and would not feel comfortable talking about someone in my life if I had met one. The rest is up to you. Only you know what you can feel comfortable with.
