Some recent threads started me thinking -- when denial breaks, recovery and getting better, and gratitude -- made me think about all of these things. This Sunday is the anniversary of the death of a very good friend. While I met him "in the rooms" and some people here may not appreciate or relate to that, he became a close, close friend...period. He wasn't an alanon friend, or a "friend from the community" or anything of the like. He had been under a great deal of stress, anxiety, angst, and who knows what else due to his wife's drinking. Every single day was a plight, with the fall-out, the turmoil, whatever else her drinking caused. Yet he went to meetings religiously, threw himself into the program, and worked it. Many people say they do, but he really did. He lived it. He made all the right program moves -- detachment, not enabling, boundaries, meetings, being of service, living his life the right way, being there for his children, protecting them, making sure they had one sane parent, and so on.

One meeting he showed up, looking very tired. He was tired, but stressed out. He did the next right thing in front of him. He had been dealing with a wife who was verbally abusive, belligerent, fine when she was sober, but difficult when she was drinking. This was his life. He went home from the meeting, relaxed on the couch, closed his eyes...and never woke up. The death certificate can say "heart attack" and the hospital can say massive, coronary incident, etc. -- but it was the stress, collateral, and direct damage of this disease that caused his death.

That said, I thought about him today. I thought about denial. Denial may break -- but it is OUR denial. Our head in the sand. Our problem. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Until then...it is on us. Alanon is about us. People make progress at their own pace. People learn, and exit denial -- if that's what you want to call it -- at their own pace. But, until then, it's on us. The irony of someone smoking their entire life, getting lung cancer, and suing the tobacco company. Sure, there's more to it than that -- but that is still there.

So, thinking about my friend made me think of my own recovery. But before recovery what happens? What has to occur? My experience, and my perspective comes from a place of tremendous and intense focus, clarity and resolution -- resolution for me. Whatever it is, no matter how small, that stands in the way of me getting better, getting healthy, whatever it is -- that is a distraction. It is an obstacle to my health and well-being. It could be denial, analysis, cutting bait (not fishing), stories, me writing scripts, whatever. Whatever it is -- it is not me getting better.

Perhaps the reason why I am this way, is because when I was at my rock bottom -- after what happened to me, getting better, making the paint stop, getting out of the abyss I was in -- was not just THE most important thing in the world. It was THE ONLY thing in the world. Because, if it wasn't...I would have died.. I don't mean figuratively. I mean literally. You see, my experience with people and rock bottom -- sometime, when rock bottom real rock bottom happens -- it isn't some ah-ha moment. It isn't the moment where you just say enough, and decide to get better. It isn't some glorious epiphany and you decide to get better. Did that happen with Robin Williams? Does it happen to everyone? You see, there is also something else, another possibility -- just as big -- that is right beside the getting better path.

When you are at real rock bottom, you are broken. You are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. You have and are at zero. There is nothing. For some, there is no reason to live. For some, they don't want to. For some, they can't. At that moment you have a choice. You either say enough, no more, and you decide to get better, get healthy, etc. -- and getting better, getting better becomes THE most important thing and THE ONLY thing in the world...or...you decide to just give up. You decide it, and you, are just too far gone. It's not worth fighting to get better, get healthy. You just don't have enough fight in you anymore to even care. And you give up. You feel completely hopeless. Completely helpless. And you don't see the pain ending.

That's the point where I was. My health was failing. I was in and out of the hospital several times. I was mentally and emotionally drained, to zero, empty, with nothing left inside. I was emotionally bankrupt. My spirit, my will, had died. I wanted to give up. Now, I would never contemplate or attempt suicide. I couldn't do that. It's not in my nature, DNA, fabric, of who I am. However, on this one night, this was my rock bottom. It's not just some phrase we hear. It is a moment that can define who you are, and define and shape the rest of your life. It was this one night. This was it. And...it was over. On this one night, I spoke to God...and I told Him that I would be perfectly OK if I didn't wake up in the morning. I told him I had had enough. I told him I couldn't go on.

I was ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion as I hadn't had a normal, decent, healthy night sleep in many months. However, right there, right before I passed out...something happened. There was this brief, but intense moment of clarity. It was intense, with a focused inflection into my head and into my thoughts. And two things came to me -- as clear as anything I have ever experienced or that has ever happened to me. I will only speak about one of those things -- and that one thing was, NO...This is not how it's going to do down. NO. Not today. Not at this moment. NO. This is not going to end now, not this way. Get up! Get up, and fight. One more time. One more effort. One more round. And I did. I got up, out of my bed, at 4am, and I took a shower. I shaved, I got my clothes out for the morning...the first time I had done that in months. I set my alarm, why I don't know. I got dressed, early, and started my recovery. Right there. At that moment.

And I never looked back. I never let anything stand in my way. Nothing. I never let anything distract me, and whatever else that stood in my way, was an obstacle to my health and well-being. Analysis ad nauseum, denial, justification, stories, excuses, vacillation, all of those things -- all of them were something and whatever that something was it wasn't me getting better. It was something else...not me getting better. I worked on my recovery, all the time.. Not just when I was in crisis. Not some time, not part time. All the time. And all the other stuff was complacency -- yes, complacency. It was fallacious nonsense which would deprive me of getting one more moment, one more step ahead, one more piece of progress, even if intangible, one more step closer to me getting better.

I didn't do 90 in 90. I did 180 in 90! Actually, I did more because there were 2 days a week I went to 3 meetings. I put every single meeting in the county, and the county next to me, in my calendar. I made sure they were there. Because when I looked at them, and saw them -- they were comforting because I knew that's where my recovery was -- in meetings!!! And in doing the work I had to do outside the meetings. You see, that's where the work takes place in my opinion. Not sitting in a meeting, or typing on a BB. It takes place, when in action, when in power and empowered, when making change...when stopping doing the unhealthy things, and starting to do the healthy things...change...not doing what I always or used to do. Doing better. Getting better.

I kept going and going, working and working. I scratched, clawed, begged, pleaded, crawled, whatever it took...to get better. I kept doing whatever it took. Until I got there. And then, I got better. I got healthy. I found peace. I found serenity. I found an incredible, wonderful life...one which I never, ever could have dreamed of...not that night I told God I'd be OK if I didn't wake up in the morning. 

So, perhaps when I see stuff that stands in the way so to speak, of getting better, I see it and I speak to it. I meet it head on. I run towards the roar!!! I walk right up to the lion and stick my head right in the lion's mouth...because I am no longer afraid. Because I have a lot of fight left in me. I do not give up. So, I guess, when I see it -- I see it and it scares me. I see it and it makes me remember. I see it and I say NO. Not this time. No more. It makes me remember where I cannot go. 

So, I give back. It's tell it like it is I guess. I guess on one hand its' take what you like and leave the rest -- which is one of the principles of the alanon program. On the other, it's knowing where it comes from.

So what does all this mean? I don't know, take what you like and leave the rest. If there is zero to like then you take nothing, LOL. What I've learned...remember...this is about YOU. This is a program to get better, to get healthy. Each in their own time. Little by slowly. It can be as slow and long as you want, or as fast and quick as you want. But it's there. I say go get it. But that's just me.