(((Serenity))) - so, so sorry for the pain of watching your kids being affected by the disease. I can relate as we've had our fair share + of drama. I've worked really hard to detach and try to just stay far away from it - and have suggested that they should figure out how to get along since it stands to reason they will outlive both of us and end up having each other only.

I have learned to never speak of one to the other. No matter what - it causes more friction. I lean into my friends/program support when I need to share family drama instead of family. It works way, way better as mine both think I love the other more/better.

My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing - feel the feelings, but know they aren't permanent or facts. Detach as best you can. I do believe emotions are closer to the surface when there is a loss for all involved....sorry for the pain of the lost friend too - never easy!

You are not alone!

It is never easy when there is friction -- of whatever sort, form, fashion, etc. -- within a family. Even when a family is completely dysfunctional, friction, falling out, whatever the case may be, is difficult. It has ramifications far, wide, and deep.

When someone is hurting, they sometimes "lash out" -- even at people who are there for them, there to help, to support! It is a "release" -- and sometimes it is the only release. That doesn't make it OK for the recipient. Compassion is hard -- when you are getting punched in the face! LOL. This will only be exacerbated if in fact he's feeling this has "opened old wounds" to to speak. It could a "trigger" for him. Now, those two words -- release and trigger -- yes, people throw them around in alanon. However, they are real, clinical terms -- that have real-world, practical application meaning. They exist far beyond some people in alanon throwing them around as "explanation for why the alcoholic does what they do. Sure, we hear all the time, he only drinks because he was triggered, or that was a trigger and he drank. We also hear -- it's not him, he's a great man when he's not drinking, he would have never said those things to me if he weren't drinking, it was him venting, it was a release of how unhappy he is and how pain he's in. Yes, I get it. That's not what I am talking about. The real clinical aspect of trigger and release is what I am talking about.

That said, where they are is where they are. They will need to figure it out on their own. A discussion with your daughter might be appropriate -- simply shedding light on the reality perspective -- he's hurting, the release, he's scared, he's in pain, and maybe this was a trigger to back when you and him were in it, etc. Whatever, no one can tell you about your children. You know them better than anyone. Perhaps talking to your sponsor about the situation. Does your sponsor know your kids? Anyway, as far as having a finger on the pulse of what is going on -- no one will know that but YOU.

This is beyond -- actually rooted -- pre-communication. Recognize that. You are doing a very good job -- and acceptance is just part of it. You also covered -- not getting dragged into the circus, and staying up in the stands! LOL. This is the byproduct of addiction!!! I've long said collateral and direct damage!!! Here it is!!!

Talk to her, see if she can get it and get into a better place -- compassion, patience, and understanding would help her right now. And, then, like you, she can wait. Wait for him. He's the one in real pain right now. I don't know if either child is "in program" -- but if they are -- they better know where to go!!! LOL.

You are doing the next right thing in front of you. Keep doing it. You are doing very well.

Thank you for all of your replies. I have spoke with my son and this behaviour is very much out of context for him so I do believe it is the grief of losing his best friend compounded with the unresolved issues with sister that he is just starting to allow in. She texted me many times sharing her upset about her brother to which I responded with gentle encouragement to be patient, forgiving, and own her part. She has never made any attempt at amends to any of us and prefers to just pretend nothing happened. Defensiveness rises up quickly in my daughter when any suggestion made that intentional or not people were hurt and apologies go a long ways in healing rifts. She is simply not ready to own anything yet.
She is not working a program at the present time and is dancing with relapse.

However, I did take the opportunity to sit with my son and make my own amend which I had been thinking of doing for the past month or so . The timing was perfect now. IT is sometimes hard to get these young ones alone for a period of time but I managed. I apologized for not being mentally present, wrapped up in his sisters life for the past four years while he was becoming a teenager. Yes I was physically here and went through the motions but I was in a pretty bad condition trying to control and rescue her and he paid the price and it wasn't right. I talked with him about forgiveness and the affects of addiction on the family. He listened , and received my amends and love and he and I are in a good place. He is a very easy kid to get along with and I am blessed.
So for today, the stand off continues between the two of them. I have to accept that. I am praying and turning it over to my higher power. I know that the deep love is there .

I will stay on my side of the street and lead by example.  Owning my part in anything that I negatively contribute to.  Practicing patience, gratitude  and forgiveness.  I always feel better when I live my life with those values at the forefront. 

-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:51:33 PM

-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:52:34 PM

wow, you are a wonderful example of How it works

I understand this scenario completely, my own children went through the same thing and I was full of sorrow and grief as well. Thanks to Al-anon, I did exactly as you are doing, Let Go... Let go... and Let go some more. that is life in recovery, right?

I admit it was especially hard during holidays and I thought I must be a terrible mother to have such a fragmented family. How I wished and wished...all my helpless wishes.... that things were different. The only power I had was prayer. Not so much that things would materialize in the way I wanted it to, that's not what I was getting from Al-anon, they were telling me to let go of my resistance and attachments!! So my prayer was simply, God, I know they are not my kids, they are YOURS.... Bring them to YOU, YOU, YOU....

The great light is the fact that a recovery program exists where one can find the light of Higher Power. If I found Higher Power through al-anon... my kids may too. THAT is what I will keep in my heart   (Faith.)

My sponsor encouraged me to let go of sorrow (not HP's will for me) and to do like you, just keep moving forward, refusing to get stuck like I did before al-anon, during my alcoholic marriage. She encouraged me to lean intensely on step 3 and substitute sorrow for thoughts and wonders of Higher Power instead...

I particularly love nature and animals, they bring me a lot of joy and JOY is always the "experience" of Higher Power. God's entire creation is my family now, that is the perspective I get from step 11.

I began volunteering at the animal shelter and enjoy fostering elderly dogs and cats that end up there, just providing a peaceful, happy home before they leave this world gives me great joy. (one is snoring on the couch right now, lol)

I have no idea how or when or where my kids mended things, they both live in different states. Their "separation" lasted 2 or 3 years, I don't know the details of any of it, no idea who initiated it or how it got resolved. I am pleased to know they do talk frequently to one another today. And feel especially grateful to know it happened without any effort on my part, I had lovingly wrapped them up in their "blankies" and handed them over to Higher Power.

That is my ESH... Just for today, this is the way it looks. Keep doing your best to enjoy life anyway (((peace)))

-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of October 2018 09:24:20 AM