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I knew his path must be taking him here, but it picked up speed so quickly that it is shocking. Unlike many A's, he has not been in and out of the ER or had multiple medical emergencies... hadn't been to a dr in over three years, and now he is in a nursing home and his body is shutting down from liver and kidney failure.
My 54 yr old ex-AH had a blood test 5 years ago that revealed high liver enzymes, but his drinking only progressed, and all in secret. I finally left, and we got divorced last December. Sometime last winter, he developed walking problems and was diagnosed with foot drop. He did not go to the doctor, despite saying since May that he was "working on it." He told me he was scared that he had cancer, or ALS, or other horrible things that foot drop can be linked with. Despite the fact that our relationship was horribly toxic - he blamed me for everything and had totally disappeared from our 13 and 15 year old boys' lives- I did tell him that I would accompany him to the doctor or support him however I could whenever he was willing to do something positive. He did not go and did not go. His foot got worse, but he was in denial and started saying that it was getting better. Then, about a month ago he began to look a bit yellow. Three weeks ago yesterday, our 15 year old and I stopped by his house. He was laying on the couch, having suffered from diarrhea for the past 10 days or so. He was pure yellow. The house was filthy. He somehow detoxed himself in the middle of this, which is still amazing to me. I offered to take him to the ER, but he refused... since the dr appt for his foot was finally the following day.
On that day, 3 weeks ago today, he went to the dr. And was then sent to the hospital. And then rushed by ambulance to another hospital, with kidney and liver failure. He also had an infectious bacteria that he had picked up due to a weakened immune system. He spent three weeks in the hospital, the first half in isolation due to his infectious disease. They gave him months to live, and possibly weeks... there is nothing that could be done for him save for a liver transplant, and he is likely too weak to be transported let alone undergo surgery. Now he is in a nursing home. He seemed to accept his fate pretty easily, although I am still not sure how much he understands. He goes in and out of confusion. He tells me he is dying. He is confined to his bed, but says he will be up and walking in a few days. He blames the staff for not getting him up walking sooner, but he refused PT most days.
There have been some good moments. I got to see him sober for the first time in a few years. We had a few good conversations in the hospital. I let him know I forgive him and asked for forgiveness as well. I spent a night on the couch in his hospital room. We had recently gone through a legal process that ended with the court ruling that we could only communicate by an email app, but that went out the window when he got so sick. Those moments were fleeting, as now he is more confused and in the moment of where he is -- The outer world seems to be dropping away from him. I brought our older son to visit, but his dad was more interested in football on TV than in his son (which is just like it has been these past few years). It was so painful for me to watch. Our son said, "even though Dad is confused, he still makes more sense than he has these past few years when drunk."
I have a lot more to share, but I will stop here. My big question for me is, best ways to apply my alanon program in this situation. I can't bear to open my daily readers right now. I do spend time here, and I spend a lot of time reading everything I can about other people's experience with death from liver disease. I am using my slogans: especially First Things First and Do the Next Right Thing. Trying to live One Day at a Time, but I am absolutely terrified about what these next weeks will bring for my children and me. I accept that I am powerless over this disease. But beyond that, the emotional burden feels soo huge right now...paralyzing There are healings happening, but a lot of challenging things emotionally. His friends and family have basically left him alone these last few years, and not believed what I have told them about his declining state - because they only talked to him on the phone and he was a BS artist who put on a good show - talked about his kids like he shared life with them - blamed everything on me - and they believed his show. Now, they are all showing up. People who hung up on me or refused to talk to me about my concerns for him are telling me that they love me, they don't blame me, etc. There is healing, and also resentment! But I mainly only have enough energy to get through each minute, trying to support my kids, while dealing with his family an friends, doctors, lawyers, paying bills, dealing with his house (because of the infectious disease, all clothes and bedding had to be thrown away, which is a yucky thing to deal with while their owner is still alive...). Although we were divorced, there was a lot of paperwork we had not completed, and it has made everything more confusing, especially as I try to apply for longterm medicaid for him, while wondering if he will even be around long enough for all this extra hassle to be worth it. (It requires disposing of his assets, jumping through a lot of hoops, etc. Which will be extremely helpful if he lingers for months, but not so much if he does not have long.
I welcome all ESH from those who have unfortunately walked this path before me. I do not want to go down with the ship. It just feels like too much to handle all at once... thanks for listening.
I am sorry you and your kids are going through this. It is never easy and there is nothing that can be said to eliminate whatever feelings you are feelings. Feel them. Embrace them. And try not to let them confuse you. Feel some comfort in knowing many of us, and many people you see in alanon meetings, have gone through the very same thing -- and they have gone and gotten through it. You have a program that can and will get you through this...if you lean on it and use it. It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it, and your kids of course too.
I don't know why you can't open your daily readers -- but try, and use the index in the back. Go to the emotions, the topics, what you are feeling. Talk to your sponsor. Lean on him/her -- this what they are there for. You have to let him go through what he's going through -- and let him be. If he's going to blame you and badmouth you to everyone he comes into contact with -- you can take the high road. You can apply the alanon program just to that! Acceptance. Awareness. And Action. You can also surrender to that and let it go. During times like this, we often have to live our life one day at a time -- and then one minute at a time. What is the emotional burden your are feeling? Specifically? What is paralyzing you? Do the next right thing in front of you -- but try not to be the "take everything on" and take-over person. You do not have to play that role, and if you want to, look at yourself and look at why. If you don't want to go down with the ship...what exactly is too much to handle? He can be a ward of the state if need be. You don't have to be in-charge, not if you don't want to. And, if you do, then you do and you have to do whatever it is you have to do. That's your prerogative.
For me, alanon is a curriculum for living. I practice -- and live the principles of the program, innately -- in all my affairs. Period. I've learned that sometimes, you have to let sick people be sick and do what they are going to do -- even if on the surface it appears to be to your detriment. My ex-wife badmouthed me throughout the entire community, where we lived, where my business was, etc. I am well known -- I serve on the board of a major hospital/medical center, serve on nonprofits social service agency boards, chair galas, etc. FOr whatever reason she decided to try and ruin my reputation both personally and professionally. I will tell you that I "did the right thing" and everyone, every single person, saw who she was being and who I was being. After an initial phase, in time, each of these people, began to distance themselves from her and made efforts to restore their friendship with me. Neither the former nor the latter was my goal however. That's where the secret lies. Check your motives Bo, always check your motives. If you can be completely and totally open and honest with yourself -- and your sponsor can be the objective person there -- then that's where the truth always lies. I don't get into the mud with mudslingers and sick people. And, I don't get muddy. Many people here don't believe that, but to each their own. For me, doing the right thing is innate. I am visceral about it. And it has never steered me wrong.
Once you decide what it is you want to do, what role you want to play, and to what extent you want to be "in this" so to speak. That is when your program will guide you. Start at the beginning. Step One. Acceptance. Stand in your truth -- which many people don't do -- and surrender to whatever it is you are feeling, and then you can let it go. That is what will free you of the emotional burden you are feeling and which is paralyzing you now...and again, what specifically is it? What is it specifically you are struggling with? It is you? The kids? If the kids -- that is certainly where your program can lead you to healthy, better thinking, and recovery.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
((Oceanpine)) my 42 year old son passed in the same manner This is indeed a dreadful disease. Meetings. The Steps, the slogans and prayer helped me to keep showing up and doing then next right thing. Prayers on the way
Oceanpine this is where I learned about how much healing I needed to have and do rather than anyone else including my alcoholics and addicts. What I was doing and not doing and what the consequences to that were for me. I applied the lessons about looking back at myself and asking that question, "what is my part in this"? and "How is that coming out for me"? The thoughts, feelings and behaviors the fellowship surrounded me with as they cared for me I had to also learn. The picture you paint of laying in your husbands hospital room attending to him reminds me that to be fair, honest and just with myself I must act out caring that way also for me as I acknowledge that I also need help and assistance or continue to ail.
We know about the alcoholics in our lives. We can cite clearly what they do and don't do and nod our heads in affirmation while listening to the experiences of other brothers and sisters in recovery. This morning I woke up in inventory of what I need to accept and what I need to let go to my HP and what I need to change as best I can. A best part of that inventory always is having our recovery program on a daily basis cause this works when I work it.
Your alcoholic is living with the consequences of his own choices. Respect his choices leave him to his consequences and keep coming back. How are your face to face meetings and sponsor?
Oceanpine, I have been down a similar path with AH's final illness, even down to the infectious disease. I understand only feeling able to get through the next minute. I understand grieving for someone who is still alive. You are not alone. I went through this fire, and with program help I have come out stronger on the other side.
Just a few thoughts: Yes, One Day at a Time -- First Things First -- you've got the right slogans, keep them close. With all of the administrative / financial tasks, just take one at a time.
I wish I'd asked doctors for a frank estimate of his prognosis. Although of course no one knows for sure, it was more stressful to me having no idea how long this could last.
Accept help, ask for help with anything that someone can help with. I found friends that helped me in ways I never would have expected.
I found with my kids, if they could do something -- take any kind of action -- they felt better, rather than if I protected them from anything to do with their father's illness. Maybe bring him something he likes. Maybe they can do something to support you, like cook dinner. Maybe they can use email or text to communicate with other family members about his status, so you don't have everyone calling you. These are some things my adult kids did during my husband's illness.
I found face-to-face meetings an oasis of calm, structure, and honesty. I took mini-vacations. Bills and paperwork can wait; preserving my mental health was important.
I am sending healing thoughts ... you are not alone.
(((Oceanpine))) - I am so very sorry for this stage of your life and what's going on. I too am sending prayers and thoughts your way...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So sorry to hear this Oceanpine. I have wondered how you were faring. Sending you lots of love and strength at this time to you and your boys. Take good care.
So so sorry you and your son are going through this...To watch someone you were once close to, had hopes of a happy, long life together, had a child with, had dreams with, go into this condition where they probably won't make it much longer is heart wrenching to say the least...My family is riddled with alcoholism and drug abuse.....I grew up with it, married it, have siblings in it......I just know I have to embrace and allow my feelings whatever they may be and do the best I can with the tools that I have and work on the only person I can work on and that is me....
I may face that pretty soon with A brother....He is still "functional" but he has elevated liver enzymes...SO far, hes ok, but ea. time he goes on 80 proof sabbatical , he inches closer to the same fate....I notice when he gets an "owie" he is slower to heal...takes longer to heal......its a progressive disease and its so sad..they have to KNOW they are drinking "liquid death" but they do it anyway.....I love him, but I keep my safe distance..I never discuss the drinking with him because there is no point...I keep the convos off topic...I try to enjoy his existance as long as I will have it....the other Brother is still missing....hes the drug addict..VERY heavy drugs...same ending for them...death if they don't stop......I have to let go and do the next right thing for me and those I CAN be of support for.....I like what Bo said to you....I am a big one on doing the "right thing" its in my nature...always was....and that means doing the right thing by ME as well...............IN SUPPORT
Prayers for you and yours, Oceanpine. You have my deepest empathy. Stay in touch with alanon whether here on the board or in meetings or phone calls. Wishing you all that the serenity prayer says. You are not alone in alanon. xo, wp
I have not been down this road... however, that does not mean I cannot imagine that road with my Ex. He was very close to this right before he entered rehab. I lift my prayers up to HP for you and your sons.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Sadly I have been down this path too. My ex-AH died this past March. He had all the stages you describe: the doctor's warnings, the denial, the worsening condition... He actually did stop drinking some months before the end, but it was too late to reverse his health. And he wasn't wholly rational and "with it" even without the daily drinking. It is almost unbearably painful, isn't it? I don't know where I would have been without leaning on everyone I could lean on, and a number that didn't even want to be leaned on! Don't panic if you can't do this, but you might have a lawyer look over his will and make sure there is nothing that is going to cause big trouble down the line. (My ex's will was out of date and did indeed cause big trouble because he had appointed people who were no longer around, etc.) My ex's will and accounts were all in chaos and it has caused no end of difficulty. But if you can't get to that in the middle of everything, don't feel bad. The best thing is that you are treating each other with kindness, and that will be a sustaining memory. Hang in there, and courage. {{{Hugs}}}
I have not personally been through this, but I am so moved and am praying for you. I can say that the father of one of my closest friends died the same way and I was there to help him through it. I thought of him when I read about your boys. And the thing is, my friend is okay. It was painful, but he walked through it and today he seems to have a lot of peace about what happened with his dad. He knows he had a terrible disease, and he still has a lot of good memories of his father. They're from long before, but I know he enjoys thinking about them now that his dad's death is far enough in the rear view mirror. I hope this helps you in that your boys are not alone. And of course they have you. Sending love your way.
Thank you all for your kindness and ESH.
My ex was on hospice for 10 days, and passed in Sept. 24.
I will post soon about that experience, and where I am at now, needing more ESH.
It has been quite a ride. I am so so grateful for Alanon in helping me get through this. It is so intense and ever-changing.
(((oceanpine))) - I am sorry for your loss - know that my prayers and positive energy continues. Be gentle with you and know we are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
oceanpine...I am so sorry for your loss. My most sincere condolences and my warmest thoughts and wishes go out to you, your family, and your loved ones. Especially you and your children. It is wonderful that the alanon program has been there for you, and that it is helping you get through this. Please take comfort in that. Please find strength in that. Please allow yourself to feel, to experience, whatever that might be -- sadness, pain, grief, even anger, whatever. You will be able to mourn, to grieve, and go through whatever it is you need to go through, in your own way and in your own time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Oceanpine. I have no words just a deep wish to offer comfort to you and your boys at this time. Please take care as much as you can.
((((((((Oceanpine)))))))))
(((oceanpine))) I'm sorry for the loss to you and your son. Prayers as you go through the grief process and all the confusing and unpredictable emotional highs and lows. One day at a time. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.