LINKS

Al-Anon Group Home Page
Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room
Site Technical Problems or Questions?
Step Work Board - A Step every month!
Online Meeting Schedules


Al-Anon Family Group
Message Board

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"Real" Al-Anon Meeting Directory


A new step every month in the order they were written!


Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 497
Date:
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES


I love this slogan and find it helpful in my recovery.  I am able to recognize that I have changed and still have a lot of changing to do.  My daughter is in a relapse.  Yes I am scared, worried, feel stressed, angry and sad all at the same time.  What has changed is what I am doing during this time.  Before, I was so overwhelmed by it,   I could and would not do anything else but sit on my phone or the computer monitoring her actions, blowing up her phone with frantic texts, forcing solutions, giving advice,telling,  her what was best for her to be doing.  I was not sleeping, barely ate, and generally was not functioning. YIKES!!

Now with some recovery tools under my belt, I can and do choose to behave in a different way.  I still feel the same feelings and am scared and worry. BUT, I slept last night, I ate breakfast, I stayed off social media, I asked for support, I even painted a room I have been meaning to get to. I am cooking a nice dinner and have invited my son and his girlfriend  Frankly he was ignored in the past while I was trying to rescue his sister and I have an amend to make for that.   All of these things did not change the situation with her but it surely did put me in a better space to cope with whatever plays out. 

Thank you all for being here. 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9114
Date:

(((Serenity))) - prayers and positive thoughts continue. Great share and lovely action. I can relate to the many emotions when it's your child. I love that you see what is changing in you, and that you found 'the next right thing' for you.

Sending peace your way and hope your dinner with your son & GF is awesome! (((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 16545
Date:

((Serenity)) good job prayers continue

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 713
Date:

Great job, {{Serenity}}, I love how you are taking care of yourself.

__________________
bud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1879
Date:

Inspiring program work, continued thoughts and prayers.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1025
Date:

Wonderful share Serenity... how this program can restore you to sanity (or some form of it) even among great difficulties. My qualifier was my Ex. I can't even begin to imagine the hardship you are facing now. I am praying for both you and your daughter.

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 968
Date:

I absolutely love this slogan, and it is part of who I am. For me, in my experience, it is not just a slogan, but more of a mindset, a way of thinking. It has helped me make decisions, it has driven my decision making when I was not objective...when thinking of the heart supersedes matters of the mind and intellect. Yes, it is very much something that allows me to behave in a different way -- a better way, the right way, a healthy way.

I think this slogan can be extremely helpful in recovery -- extremely helpful. If someone truly wants to get better, truly wants to get healthy...and you are willing to make change...then this slogan can be the catalyst for change in your life, it can be the catalyst for getting better. I love the same feelings and scared and worried...but those things are not consuming you. You aren't on the rollercoaster! I love that!

In my experience, with my sponsor, and with people I have sponsored...this is a slogan that is underutilized and overlooked...and when looked at, people don't go "far enough" with it, so to speak.

Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work!

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1025
Date:

Bo, I so agree with you on this!

It was finally really seeing and understanding this slogan that was the catalyst for me to make positive changes in my life! But I also think it is THE hardest slogan to embrace... because it demands that WE do something that is uncomfortable at times. So many shy away from it. I know I did... until I was ready to accept it.

Thanks to all who shared on this topic!

Peace

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 968
Date:

Completely agree PaP...you expressed this so clearly and concisely. For me, in my experience, I think there are two paths or two tracks to take -- the passive one and the active one. Each person has to decide which one is right for them. I don't discount or deny either one, but for me, I've always found when I am in action, I am empowered, and I am getting better, making progress, etc.

I don't discount the HP aspect, or praying, and I do embrace and do both. However, from my perspective -- the overwhelming majority of progress, improvement, getting better, etc., involves me doing something, taking some action, and early on, making change. I can pray for knowledge of his will...but I also pray for the power to carry that out...me, to carry that out. Not him, not anyone else. Me.

It can be hard for people to embrace this, to be in action on this. I get it. You are right -- many shy away from it. I get it. Each will do whatever -- when they are ready. When they want to. I know for me, before that, I didn't...because I didn't want to. Looking back at it -- I wanted to keep enabling. I did not want to detach. I wanted to keep doing what I was doing. For many reasons. And I did. Until I was ready and really wanted to change. In certain respects, I only made the change -- and stopped doing what I was doing -- when the pain of what I was doing got too great and was too much to bear. Rock bottom!!! Then, change was forced. I was forced into making change. I couldn't go on.

It's easy to keep analyzing, journaling, talking about it, even praying. I for one always hope that works for people. If it doesn't...then...nothing changes if nothing changes.

Thanks to all for sharing.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 968
Date:

In reading some of the current posts...and with a few recent triggers popping up...I re-read this entire thread again...and wanted to elaborate...

What has always helped me -- take action, make change, and be the catalyst for getting better -- is focusing on this phrase/slogan, and realizing...it is about ME!



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 497
Date:

It is completely about ME. I agree wholeheartedly Bo. I can have the worst, anxiety filled day, with my emotions all over the map, conjuring up all the worst case scenarios based on living in the future and from information that I don't even have. OR . I can live in today, act on information that is in front of me and arrives when I need to know. I don't have to go looking for any of it. If I need to know I will receive it. Then I can decide what is the next right thing for myself.

The interesting thing is my qualifier is doing nothing different when I am in either state, its all how I choose to react, and what I choose to focus on that results in the outcome for myself.

__________________
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 968
Date:

serenity...that is so amazing!!! Your qualifier is doing nothing different, no matter what state you are in!!! Thank you thank you thank you for reminding me!


__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1149
Date:

Dear serenity

That was a very lovely and powerful share. You arrived at being aware and accepting that you truly cannot change another, and then you sprang into action to take care of yourself. Thats when you know you really have some good progress going for you. I am in the same boat. Where I have a drug addicted daughter whom I think is still sober but she will not have any contact with me. The drugs changed her. I dont even know what I did to make her mad this time for her to not want to have anything to do with me. But now, instead of obsessing over her and all of that, I just wrote her a loving email and said I was detaching and letting her go to experience her own life song and that I would always love her but I am going to move on and take care of me

I have another daughter whom I was ignoring almost t and did make amends to, because the good child who doesnt give me grief and stress, was getting less of my attention. So I had to own that and get with her and discuss that with her and I told her that I was going to make some serious changes and just put some distance between me and her Sister. My younger girl was even getting resentful towards the older one because the older one was getting the bulk of my attention. Thats not the case anymore. I let her go in love and in peace and I am focusing on the one thing I can change and that is me, and to be brutally honest, I am going to love and give my energy to the ones who love me back, and let the rest of them go

__________________

Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 968
Date:

I had a slip tonight, what I considered to be a major one. In hindsight, it happened because: a) I was hungry, due to fasting for Yom Kippur, b) I was tired, from getting very little sleep last night, c) I was angry, in part due to the first two, and then because of the slip, d) because when "it" occured, I allowed it to grow, manifest, compound, etc.

Sure, it can be someone else doing something, but even when it is, at a certain point...it is ME. I allow it to get bigger. I choose my reaction, my thinking, my whatever. So, I had a slip, and then I did some things I shouldn't have -- read facebook, which I am not on, kept reading, investigated, and then my thinking got bad -- I got angry. Filled with rage. I started thinking about how -- years ago -- I didn't "have my say" and didn't express my feelings, thoughts, etc., with my daughter's mother.

So, I made a call -- and in 30 minutes -- I was fine. I was better. I did a lot of readings in ODAT and CTC. At sundown, I ate and got some food into me. I went to a meeting and I shared what happened. And after that...I was fine. It's over. I am so very grateful that I have this program and this way to live my life.


__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.