The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He tells me when he gets back from his trip that he did a lot of thinking and that he's decided that he wants to make a go of our relationship. He says he's going to stop contacting other women on the phone line, or make any attempt to meet them. I say that I don't know if I believe him or trust him and tell him that the only way I can believe him is if he gives me his passwords so I'll know what he's up to. He says he can't do that because if it doesn't work out with us, he will go back to it, but he SWORE to me that he wouldn't, while we're working on it. I left it at that.
We have a good talk about this and he seems so determined. I think - wow - a chance to start anew and it actually makes me feel good at the prospect. Despite everything, I would want to let the past slowly dissolve and try again. Of course there's never any mention of his quitting drinking, and I should know that of course I'm associated with the drinking. It's like we come hand in hand.
Anyway - he's been great, and loving and talking about summer plans and it almost seemed as though this were really going to happen.
Last night we had a great evening together, and then my mother called and asked me if I would take her to bingo. She loves to go with me from time to time, and of course I said yes. I said good night to him, because he said he was going to bed early anyway. Well, my sister was supposed to join us, but her bf was late getting home to take over with the kids, so by the time we realized this it was too late to go.
When I got back from my sister's, I went next door to tell him something and I would have called, but I thought if he was asleep, I wouldn't have woken him. I could see through an opening in the curtain that he was on the phone. I watched for a few minutes and then walked in. He hung up the phone immediately. He was drunk and pie-eyed, but for anyone who doesn't know him, they wouldn't be able to tell in his voice. I confronted him, calmly but angrily and asked what he was doing. He started in with the excuses and the phone rang again. He answered it and said 'oh sorry - I must have been cut off' and then said 'can I call you back in a minute'.
We went through it and he said he was just trying to tell all the women he'd let on that he had decided not to go any further. I asked him about this girl he was talking to and he said - she seems really nice and I said 'well I'm nice too' and he said - 'well not when you're being like this'! Oh - gimme a break - somebody, please! On the table were a bunch of phone numbers and mailbox numbers and I just looked at him and said forget it. Don't even bother to lie any more. I'm sick of your lies. I said 'go call your girlfriend back' - I have to go and he said 'SIT SIT' which he always does when I'm planning to leave during an argument. I said no - I have to go to the drugstore - see ya later!
If I had gone to bingo - he would have continued to play me - and it wasn't intentional but perhaps HP had something to do with me catching him, once again. I'm dreary. All I feel is that he needs me until he finds someone else - and I refuse to wait until he's found someone, so he can tell me he doesn't need me anymore. I'm past the point of hurting - I'm just angry and especially angry at myself, because I keep believing him. I should know that as long as he keeps drinking, he is going to do these things.
I'm just feel like skipping town and never coming back, but I have too many responsibilities. I want NO CONTACT, which is impossible in my present situation. I CANNOT TRUST HIM - and that's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what he tells me!
His mother told his daughter (who told me) that I'm a nice person but I have no backbone, meaning that I have given in to him, no matter how he's treated me. I want a backbone! I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE THE END OF ALL THE INSANITY. I know he's going to try to draw me back in - and I'm so sick of going around in circles! My whole body aches! OUCH!
UPDATE ALREADY - He has called and while he was trying to say sorry, I said 'NO NO NO NO NO over and over again - business only from now on', cutting him off. He said - 'I told you to stay with me last night and not go to bingo - I can't help myself when you're not there', I'm addicted to it'. He said - will you at least think about it today and we'll talk tonight. Oh Great - here we go again and I'm drained!
I am so sorry this is happening to you. My second husband was like that. He played me for a fool again and again. Someone told me he hurts you once shame on him. He hurts you twice shame on you. I remember thinking...you don't get it. I love him. Yikes! Once he had treated me badly and I let him get away with it. It just kept getting worse and worse. I have learned just this year and many relationships later. That if my gut tells me to get out..I run! It is your HP whispering to you. Trust your instincts and remember...how do you know an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving. Keep working on you. You deserve to be treated like the angel you are!
I so sympathize with what you are going through. I can feel the pain in your post (and maybe projecting some of my own there as well). One of the things that has helped me to trust my husband is that he changed his phone number and gave me the password to his voicemail. I don't want to check up on him though. That's not what a normal marriage is all about.
Sweetie, do what you know in your heart to be right. Do what's best for you. Can you get a hotel room for a few days so you can get away to think?
*******It only has to be *here we go again* IF you allow it to be. You said you've had enough. You said he's gone too far. He tried to pass the buck onto you by saying you shouldn't have gone to bingo and that without you there he can't help himself.
So the questions aren't about his actions, choices, etc, they are about YOU and YOURS. Do you want to spend your life babysitting his every move? Do you want to be in a relationship where you know you can't trust your partner? Have you really had enough? Has he really gone to far in your opinion?
The bottom line question is: Do you want to continue in this relationship or not? Once you can answer that question without hesitation, then you'll know what to do next.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
It seems to me that you have ALREADY made your decision. Now you have to find the courage to act on it. Trust me....I know what you are going through when it comes to finding the courage. Granted my situation is different from yours but I know deep down that it is time to call it quits. BUT....it is hard to find the courage to actually do it. One day I feel strong, thinking "I can do this". Then the next day my husband does something sweet that makes me doubt my decision. I want to believe that it is a game to them. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe they are confused, maybe they know exactly what they are doing. Sometimes I think my husband is just like a kid who gets into trouble w/his parents. He tells me what he think I want to hear to shut me up for a little while. He bides his time, keeping things smoothed over. Then he goes out & does it all over again. It is a vicious cycle.
My point is, you have to decide what you want to do/need to do. Then you have find the strenght & courage to do it. That is what we are here for. To help you find that strength.
