The material presented
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A friend who stopped drinking over 20 years ago but who is a classic dry drunk with all the behaviours and stinking thinking had been draining me emotionally, mentally and physically for the last 5-10 years so I decided in the last year to see less of her. I decided I could carry the friendship in small doses so to speak, but a few months ago her son was tragically killed which I too found devastating but it put me in the position of having to be there for her more consistently again and after the funeral etc I just couldnāt deal with it anymore. I find it too draining and she lashes out at me (not just after her sons death but for years before) so Iāve backed off on the friendship all together this past few months yet I feel guilty and like a shitty friend for doing so. So in essence I feel like a awful person for setting healthy boundaries for myself. Is this common? How do I overcome it?
I think the guilt is common with those of us who are empaths (which many codies are). I am learning that it is never wrong to keep healthy boundaries for myself... provided they have no motives except to maintain my health. Meetings, my sponsor, and this forum have all helped me figure this out, and have validated me when I question my decisions, or have guilt.
I love the saying that 'People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.' Sometimes you get to decide... sometimes your HP decides for you.
I see the reason why you might have guilt, but I believe it is unfounded. You were supportive. Now it's time to support you... you know this.
Wishing you Peace today.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I found that setting Boundaries was a diffficult job for me because i found it difficult to take care of myself in a healthy manner. Placing principles above personalities i learned to draw a boundary and make healhy choices that work for me and others as well. you are not alone
Welcome to MIP Butterfly Trails - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My experience - I had a friend who's an active heavy drinker. She's never considered recovery and I've never suggested it. She also pushes people away with her behavior, attitudes, actions, etc. and we were 'on the outs' when her husband died of a heart attack at 39. She had 5 kids, 2 sets of twins, no skills, no job, and now no partner.
I was not the only one who had stepped away from the drama/chaos that was/is her life. Yet, we did all come together and put forth a huge group effort to offer support to her. I was the only one in recovery at the time, and I went to her home daily and helped with the kids, the shopping, the laundry, etc. for more than a year.
What I learned was that others without recovery were able to forgive the past and present to be of service. They did not stand in judgment of her, but instead rose above it and just kept showing up. They were a great example to me of what 'normal adulting' looks like - people who had good raising, good judgment and little/no disease in their lives. As this friend got stronger and better with the grief, they backed away gradually and then checked in. I learned a bunch about unconditional service, love, compassion, etc. from people not even aware of this program!
I have another gal I've met with my golf group. She considers and calls herself a functional alcoholic. Her oldest child committed suicide last year. She's usually indulging in adult beverages before 9am on the golf course, and continues all day. She is what I would define as a 'hot mess'. Yet, we all show her love, compassion, understanding, patience, etc. as we are not walking a mile in her shoes. We do call her out if needed, which is rare.
Back to me....when I arrived at recovery, I was a very black/white thinker with no shades of gray. I was either all in or all out. I was really good at cutting people out of my life who I felt were 'causing me issues' or 'causing me pain'. Al-Anon taught me that I was not a victim of others, instead I was a volunteer. For me, the power of boundaries and detaching really have helped me be able to stand tall in the middle of any chaotic situation, and still feel good about me and my service to others. I have learned how to advocate for myself and my boundaries with a quiet, calm manner instead of self-righteousness. I have learned to leave before I want to 'leave forever'. I have also learned that I can have compassion for others, even if/when they may not deserve it or appreciate it. My sponsor has told me over and over and over again to 'keep my side of the street clean'.
So - if this is bothering you, there's a good chance that you may have some processing to do. I've done step work over 'events' like this to find my part and to see why I am feeling as I am. I do know that today, I try to 'take breaks' from others vs. 'cutting them out'. It tends to feel better for my mind/heart/serenity. For me, grief and mental health are two areas I feel I lack deep understanding and therefore have extreme compassion for...
Take what you like and leave the rest - Hope this helps....keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
at my first meeting I was told feelings- emotions were important. Like healthy emotions would lead me to making better decisions.
Today I find "to adult" being the best idea. Adult as a verb, not a noun. Just to talk and chat with other folks... and achieve and maintain a good balance to my life.
Just like you are doing right here, and now... ...
Detachment too. Not running and hiding... but finding my own truth...
Thanks for all the replies! Youāve all added something for me to think about and I appreciate that. I think I have a lot of healing/recovery to do regarding the emotional and verbal abuse Iāve tolerated in my friendship with her over the past 5-10 years and find out within myself why I tolerated it for so long and work on forgiving myself for doing so.
hey ((((((((((((Butterfly)))))))))))) I like butterflies...they are so lovely, gentle, beautiful.......
I am so sorry about your dilemma....yea, a former, toxic friend loses her son and of course it is natural to think we have to "jump" in an do what we can to help and within reason , that is true, however, setting boundaries, even on a sad, tragic thing like this is 1000% appropriate when the other is abusive, toxic, soul sucking with her stinking thinking.....
case in point...to a MUCH LESSER degree, I had a "friend" who will not use the phone with me..only wants cyber relationship, jump on me because her dog was diagnosed with total blindness and she wanted my support...I was not online, busy with my own "putting out fires" and I did not see her post on facebook about her poor dog...so I didn't reply...what I don't see, I cannot reply to...she sends me a NASTY pm saying "you weren't there for me...little "M" is blind and NO POST FROM YOU...I am disappointed with you" and she goes on and on and on
I paused.....breathed deeply.....wanted to wait till both parts of my brain wre in sync and I wrote her the following
"I am very sorry about your doggie....I truly hate to see a pet sick or disabled.....however...you chose to go cyber over phone and so the consequences of that is that I may not see your post...Had you picked up the phone and CALLED me, I would have given you all the TLC I could give via long distance..However YOU chose this type of relationship, knowing I am setting limits on how much computer time I want to spend and knwoing that I can't stand cyber communications with friends, as it is sterile, no emotions, no intimacy...I think I've been pretty fair, accomodating you as much as I do, in being friends on facebook and setting up the women's support group on the facebook"
I added that I was up to my eyeballs in "LIFE" and just did not see her post...
I also mentioned to her that if she is going to "jump on my head" for overlooking/not seeing something SHE posts and wants TLC, NOW, that I would take measures to protect me from these outbursts (not the first time she jumped on me over my not being cyberally available to her) so yea, I told her that I would make a change to insulate me against these outbursts if she didn't cease and desist adn THINK b4 you shoot someone...
she finally calmed down, but this is yet another "chip" in our so called friendship...I distance myself more and more from her because I don't need this happy horse manure....She mentioned that she just hates the phone and I said that I "get it" but I hate cyber relationships...they do not meet my needs/wants in a REAL relationship, hence cyber relationships are not high priority like my fac2fac and voice ones...I also mentioned to her that my brother nearly lost his life in a boating accident , work sucks, people getting in my face for no reason, etc., and I am DONE with drama and chaos....
we did end it on a peaceful note, but I want to put some distance....one, two outbursts I can maybe let slide because humans are humans, but this is a pattern for her...she wants attention, NOW...doesn't matter whats going on with me, she wants attention NOW...Aint gonna happen...I'll help IF I CAN, but if it is not healthy or feasible for me??? Guess what??? She will have to wait till I CAN "cyber" with her....
so my RX for me?? my serenity??? is to distance myself...not blow her off completely, but definitely put some distance...I don't need drama kinds and queens.....
I see you as naturally kind and caring and the wrong people can see that adn interpret as weakness to be exploited and violated...I hate stories like this because there isn't ENOUGH kindness in this world and this "friend" is dumping on the biggest blessing she could have-----a KIND and sincere friend...HER lesson to learn, not yours.....and yes, i get it on the "forgiving myself for doing this" my sweet little Butterfly you have nothing to 4give yourself for....BIG support hugs
Thanks mama lioness! Yes I met her at a very vulnerable time in my life where I wasnāt even thinking of healthy boundaries because my own life was filled with grief. And Iāve since realized that I felt pity for her from the moment I met her and that as well as concern for her then young sonās wellbeing is the glue that kept me stuck in an often volatile emotionally abusive āfriendship ā. Her son and mine being the same age formed a friendship but it was a healthy one and I also didnāt want to break that apart by not being friends with his mother. Iāve since learned that pity or feeling sorry for someone isnāt healthy, we can feel compassion for someone, empathy for someone, but pity is dangerous because it creates an imbalance of power in the relationship and often leads to guilt, being manipulated and controlled, pity is toxic.
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