Hello Paloma Negra, some elements of what you describe resonate for me. This is a personal reply, talking about what worked for me, it may not all relate for you. First of all though I just want to say that I am sorry about your leg and I hope that despite all that you've had to deal with it is now healing as you wish. You've had a lot to deal with and from being very active to having to rely on another person's help isn't easy at the best of times. Be gentle with yourself.

What resonates for me about your post is your feeling that you have a decision to make and that balance between finances and emotional well-being. I too love my AH despite a sneaking awareness that a relationship with him isn't quite what I originally had in mind. I too have been the primary earner.

One of the many things that I value about my Al Anon journey is a growing awareness that my own well-being is in my own hands. That quote about living well regardless of what others are doing around me was one I pondered for a long time and I decided to explore ways that I could make that happen in my own life. I remembered myself as a laughing, confident, resourceful person and I wondered where 'I' had gone.

I've worked hard all my life and as a result we were lucky enough to move to a nice place where we didn't have to work. I stopped working and that was a big life/identiy change for me and it took me time to adjust. For a while there was a space in my life that I filled by paying way too much attention to my husband, what he was doing/not doing and trying to resolve the problems that alcoholic behaviour brought into our lives. My goodness that was a full-time job on it's own!!! When I wasn't dealing with a crisis I was anticipating what would happen next and how I could smooth the waters. None of this made a difference or made me feel good by the way!! I kept waiting for the calm times to arrive so that I could think about 'what next' more positively - like that was going to happen??!!!!

After reading in Al Anon that I should keep my attention on my self (for the umpteenth thousandth time) I started to experiment with what that might mean. I wasn't happy. What could I do about that? I placed my emotional well-being above finances so if I followed through on that then I could leave my husband... and loose my home... Really?? Did I really need to throw everything away in order to get the peace I needed?

So what alternatives did I have.... I thought about what would I be doing if I was on my own and all was well in my world? What would that look like? Was there any part of my happiness and wellbeing that didn't have to rely on my husband? I discovered that there were a lot of the things that made me happy or feel content and none of them relied on my husband! I noted the three best things of the day every evening so I built up a store of the simply things in life that felt good for me. I set about exploring what my answers might be, again for me, and started to learn by trying out small things at first - little baby steps - and then started following the paths that felt right, ie felt calm or exciting in a good way.

I figured that I needed 'an occupation'. I took gentle steps. And then I took slightly bolder ones. Sometimes I felt anxious about what I was doing but it rarely led to mistakes. My judgement turned out to be better than I thought!!! My confidence started to grow. My depression started to fade. I remember waking up one morning with a smile on my face - gosh that felt wonderful! I had grown used to waking up with tears in my eyes or a storm raging between my ears. It felt like something was working in my life and I guess that was me.

Not attending other people's crisis or dwelling too long on their words has freed up so much time in my life. It sort of turned out that I had my own adjustments to make and that when I turned my resourcefulness on myself, all sorts of lovely things started to happen.

I know in the back of my mind that any decisions I make don't have to be fixed in stone by the way. Over the past five years I've taken time away to gently recover and listen to myself. I've taken time away to learn new skills. And I've also returned home and lived alongside my husband as well. It is as if I've rediscovered that everything is on a sliding scale and that I don't have to sit at one end or the other but can find my own pace and explore and experiment in ways that are right for me, for now.

Does any of this even make sense?!!

Thank you for the opportunity to share how I feel about my journey. I hear you looking at your own situation with open eyes and I hear your recognition of how you are feeling as well. (On a practical level my anxiety was helped by meditation by the way and I've learnt to sometimes welcome my anxiety as a tool that tells me to change something even though, at it's most out of control, I found it disabling and debilitating and I thought I was going mad). Keep listening to yourself and what thoughts feel calmer for you....

Sending (((((hugs)))))

I will preface my thoughts and my experience with this...the human mind, the thought process that comes from it...is a very powerful thing. It is unlike any "machine" that the world knows. The human mind and the thought process is one of adoption -- meaning -- pre-empted, ask yourself why you should do something, you can come up with 20 valid answers and reasons why. Yet, ask yourself why you shouldn't do something, and you can come up with 20 valid answers and reasons why. The human mind will answer any question we want it to, and will answer it the way we want it to if we have a way we want.

That said, my experience with similar situations, albeit different specifics -- these things for me are -- nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't let factors cloud that, or my judgement. I don't let the tail wag the dog. If I focus on me -- what is best for me, healthiest for me, what the next right thing in front of me is, for me...then "truth" will present itself. I don't mean the truth -- I mean truth -- truth is what is the next right thing for me. This entire program, the entire reason people come here is to get better. To get healthy. Nothing changes if nothing changes prevents me from being in the same situation, perhaps worse, 3 months from now. Or 6. Or one year from now. I've had to weigh the financial vs. emotional/health/well-being thing. Numerous times. I can only share my thoughts then, my decision, my experience, and my thoughts now. Then, I thought making the financially safe/sound decision was wise. Was safe. Was OK. Was best for that moment. In hindsight. It never once was. My thought process at the time was distorted. My thinking was distorted. How could I made a good decision. I couldn't. But I would have convinced you at the time I was. Today I know better. When I let something other than my emotional, health, well-being come even second, to financial, popular, easy, or whatever decision...it never ended up well. Now, that's just me.

However, I found when I made the decision to put my emotional well-being first...I may not have had all that I wanted...but I did always get and ended up with all that I needed. I don't focus on the side of the coin that tells me all the things I want and don't have. I focus on the side that shows me all the things I need...and that I have them. My mental well-being put first -- funny thing -- then I was able to get better, perform better, work better, and do better financially! Hmmmmm, forgetting about finances, and focusing on my well-being, allowed me to then achieve success in finances. Interesting.

I have always believed that God, the world, karma, whatever you want to call it, actually works...it works in that things, incidents, whatever it may be...all of that is put in front of us for a reason. It could be character building, overcoming fear, learning, whatever. But, it is there for a reason. It is up to me to take that, for all it is, and do what I need to do for me. My mantra is "Run toward the roar!" Don't fear the lion. Run toward him. Face him. Living begins when we face fear and conquer it. Living begins when we do something uncomfortable. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm going to have to post "Forgetting Everything's All Right" on my wall
Love it

One I used to hear around 'Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered"

Thanks for that

Nora G