The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The writer was normally an easy-going person but when angry would suddenly fly into a rage. One day when her anger flared because her dog accidentally broke a vase, she noticed that her dog looked hurt and bewildered. By seeing the effect of her actions on her dog, she realized the effect she must be having on the people in her life.
Today's reminder: I am human and I get angry but I don't have to act out my anger in destructive ways. I do not have the right to take it out on others. Whether my usual response is to scream, sulk in cold silence, or lash out with cruel words, today I can look at what I do when I get mad. Maybe next time I will try something new.
Quote: "We can pave the way for calm, reasonable communication only if we first find healthy outlets for our own negative feelings." -- The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
The only difference between me and the writer is that my lid was screwed on more tightly. I don't recall flying into a rage like the writer described, but my anger was boiling underneath. I always felt like I was desperately holding the lid on so I wouldn't explode. While living with alcoholism and its effects, I had so much fear and anger bottled up inside that I am amazed I didn't get physically sick. I am grateful for the anger though, because one day it reached a peak and that's what got me to my first Al-Anon meeting. I am also grateful for how much we can learn from animals.
I did explode in anger....I would get it out by beating a chair and screaming and cussing the one who "caused it", or I would throw something (safe place throwing) or take a pillow and pound the bed with it, screaming and cussing like mad......I still get angry but I can express it better.....it has taken a lot of time....I grew up mad as hell...nobody ever got punished for the crimes against me..I was too sick to sue....they got away with it and I think that is what angered me the most, PLUS the siblings (older) who put me down and blamed ME for THEIR crimes.......I was too sick to punish them and then they died, leaving me with all the mental/emotional fall out from their selfish, evil deeds....I just had to do anger expression therapy as taught to me by a nurse who was masters degree in psychology...getting all that anger out SAFELY.....then I got into program and I talked and talked and talked till now, its like , yea, I am never going to be able to trust anything outside of me, and no, I don't buy into any outside deity involved in my life, it is all within me, so I am training me to stay in my body , to stay connected to my entire self....its an awful long road....long , painful journey.....I express my anger more healthy like i'll get on my stationary bike and just ride it till I am exhausted or the rowing machine, or the other total body workout stuff i have here at the house...to get it out of my body....deep breathing....sharing and talking with trusted others....it has all helped me a lot....i'm not as angry now....yea, I get mad when i see injustices, children/animals being tortured, triggering for me, so if I cannot do anything to help?? I detach...I have to get a way.....I have friends on Facebook who post these horrid posts of kids and animals and there is nothing I can do to help, so why post this stuff??? I've had to unfollow and even unfriend folks who do that crap to stir up people....I avoid triggering stuff like that....I remove me from toxic people...I set firm boundaries.....I do stuff now to take care of me so as to keep my serenity.....I am much much better then I used to be.....I was a raging mess when I first came here....Now I can do self talk , also, and slogans "OK--how important IS this really?????" I can manage it much better now...thanks to the structure and consistency and love and safety of programme........
THANK you Freetime for sharing this...I really needed to see this to do a quicky look at me and see if I really have progressed and I see that I have...I still am not where I want to be, but I am a big distance from where I used to be.....
Good morning mip!
Anger is something i wasn't allowed to feel or express as a child, so i feel most anger as sadness as hurt. But, things can really get explosive at times when i feel like my boundaries are not being respected.
I'm glad i can name anger now and feel that emotion without causing more hurt to others.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Freetime great topic and powerful shares . Expressing anger,
without reacting in rage has been a challenge for me . Detachment and letting go and letting God helps greatly.
Thanks for your service and have a great day.
Thanks free time and all above shares. My anger most often got expressed towards myself, either through depression, anxiety, or verbal self abuse. All these actions were NO GOOD! I have found better ways to express myself with Alanon. Acceptance is important-I am allowed to be angry, and express it, just in a healthy way that hurts no one. Talking it through with someone or in my F2F is always a help. The Serenity Prayer and slogans also help me. Lyne
Good topic! Thank you everyone above for their ESH.
I expressed my anger/fear/resentments in both ways. First, and always, self-deprecation. Then as my spouse's disease progressed, anger projected outward! As I began employing detachment, I saw that I still vented my anger on my animals or my Kid (always displaced anger towards drinking spouse). Once I realized that was going on, I was mortified! Beyond mortified! That is when I began to listen to all the good folks on here that said 'I was as sick as my spouse,' and really began to work on MY attitudes and behaviors - separate from my Qualifier.
Today, I am not in the same position. However, program helps me to deal with my Ex in a more constructive manner. I also have been working on my issues of REACTING. The slogan "Practice the Pause" has become my best friend! This has been a Godsend to my interactions with my teenager... oops! I mean my newly minted, adult son! LOL!
I don't think I will ever be in the mindset that I can "thank" my spouse for the long years of being married to an addict. Yes, it did bring my to Al-Anon... and yes, it is helping me reframe my thinking and behavior. But still...so many wasted years... wasted money... wasted opportunities! I still feel my Ex ruined everything I was trying to accomplish with my life. But I at least now I accept that it happened, I had a part in it & I can move forward from it. I have accepted that I may not attain the Serenity that the members I look up to here on MIP (and my sponsor) have attained, but I am open to the possibilities!
TGIF y'all! TGIF!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good afternoon MIP! Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily! Thanks for the ESH and shares above me....I readily admit had a short fuse. I believe it's in my blood - I am Irish after all. Anger was my go-to emotion for many others as it was what I learned to express growing up. And - it's safe and fair to say my expressions were not healthy or contained.
In recovery, I've learned more about me and how I used anger to put up walls and cope with discomfort as well as this disease. Today, with the steps, tools, good sponsor and a willingness to pause and consider what the facts are, I've got a much better handle on responding than reacting. I am 100% OK today with a delayed response too if I feel rage rising up. I am grateful for a HP that nudges me greatly when that feeling arrives now.
TGIF - yes indeed! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I loved today's reading. CTC is my go-to daily reader, my go-to first tool I grab in the alanon toolbox. Today, alanon is innate. It is the way I live my life.
In my experience, anger is held on to, it's something to clutch on to, held tightly, etc. -- because without anger, and the subject/object being someone or something else, without that...you have to look at YOU. What is often left is pain.
I also felt at times I used anger as an excuse. It's a cop-out. You are ___________, well, it's because I am angry! LOL. Cop-out. Some people like to talk about the pause. Some call it the silence. For me, it was always, always -- the amount of time between MY INITIAL THOUGHT...and my REACTION. My job was two elongate the time between those two moments. When I was unhealthy, pre-recovery, it was a nanosecond. Then it was as long as I needed to decide what was best, healthy, right, etc. Today -- it's a nanosecond sometimes BECAUSE my initial thought is an alanon one, it's a healthy one...and for that I am so grateful. Today, I am healthy, so my initial thought is healthy and my reaction is healthy. They are one in the same. Most of the time. LOL.
In my experience, anger often stands in the way of people getting and being healthy. Getting healthy and being healthy is a journey. And, using anger as an excuse often prevents people from beginning that journey.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
You know, I was thinking also, I used my anger as a proof so to speak that I had some control. Looking at the patterns that anger would arise when I am helpless or powerless. If it is something I can control or fix or moderate or modify or whatever, I dont get so mad. In fact I just kind of say oh well and go onto the solution. However if I feel helpless and powerless, I have to feel I am in control and the anger gives me that illusion that I have some control which of course doesnt make any sense but to my wounded self it does. Back in my childhood, I could not show any anger I had to just be a helpless victim and cooperate and comply and try to get through it. And I think I have carried that into my present day. I rage when I feel helpless and powerless because I really dont believe in any higher power outside of me and when I feel threatened, I panic and automatically I am disconnected from my higher power because I am not centered in myself. This is very interesting this post I am very glad that it is here and all the great replies on it because its making me think. The patterns of my anger and rage comes out of fear, of course, and the need to be in control and to not be a helpless powerless victim. Again, it is old stuff rearing its ugly head. So Ive got to find a way to come To terms with this and try to convince me with self talk that Im not helpless, I am not powerless in the sense that I do have choices, yes I am powerless over other people places and things but even then I have a choice and that is to do the next right thing by me even if it means walking away.
