SDB - great to see you again and thank you for your share. I too admire your strength and ability to use the tools of our program. I love that you've found your boundaries, and hope you keep taking care of self and daughter. Keep coming back - you are not alone!

I too will pray for your AH and sending all of you positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is larger than life - hopefully he'll accept the help he's got in front of him.

Great work! You took the steps necessary to relinquish another adult to doing what we are all supposed to be doing which is managing our own lives. It is empowering to work on accepting what we cant change (another person) and work on who we can change, (ourselves). The amount of time I found had on my hands when I handed my qualifiers life back to them to take care of was astounding. This is when I began to rely and trust that my higher power would take care of me. My qualifier continues to make many decisions that I do not like. I am better able to stand back now and keep my hands and nose out of it. Any and all change for her is generated through her own actions not mine.
Any and all change for me is generated by my own actions, not based on what another person is doing or not doing. I will always remain hopeful, loving and encouraging towards her to the best of my ability. 

-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 24th of August 2018 01:11:54 AM

Great awareness, acceptance and action SDB. Thank you for sharing the journey

Great work. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family.

I am in awe of your strength, SDB!! Keep working on you, & keep posting! You are an inspiration!

Peace & love

Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. I've spoken a few times to my AH since he's been in rehab. He sounds like he's doing well, but I'm finding now that I'm struggling with trust and actually believing what he's saying. I keep going through conversations we've had in the past and how he's actually said to me in a couples therapy session that sometimes he says what he knows I want to hear to get what he wants. I'm finding myself reverting into trying to pick apart his voice when he calls. I know he's in rehab and doesn't have any access to alcohol, but for some reason my mind keeps going there.

The rehab he's at is saying they're going to discharge after 14 days, which to me sounds nuts. Since I have the restraining order, they're giving me the runaround on family involvement and even education. I've got a call into someone else to find out why their program is so short, especially since I called our insurance and they assured me that if they deemed it medically necessary for him to be there longer, that they would fully cover treatment. So I'm hitting some anxiety as the supposed final week of his treatment begins.

Although my schedule has been all out of whack and I've had to parent my child while working full-time, my home has been more calm and safe than it's been in months and I'm scared to lose the little bit of serenity that I've found. They said that I should come prepared with boundaries and consequences for the family meeting that they're going to schedule on Sunday morning and now my mind is kind of reeling.

My mother, who has been an amazing support person in terms of helping me care for my daughter and sort out legal and financial issues, is being less than helpful when it comes to his possible discharge and the work that he's done (or not) while in rehab. I realize that I get a lot of the unhealthy "fixer" behaviors from her. My ex-step-father was an abusive alcoholic and her current partner of nearly 20 years has addiction issues. I actually had to text her yesterday to say that I'm trying to be positive and her texts were only stressing me out and I wasn't finding them helpful, so I was going to stop texting for a while.

I guess the pink cloud I had above my head last week has finally started to dissipate and the anxiety, worry and fear of the unknown is creeping back in.

I don't consider myself a spiritual person and I've always struggled with the higher power part of Al Anon. There's something about letting go and believing that something else out there will just take care of me that doesn't feel right to me. I can see how it would be comforting, but it's just not part of my belief system and I'm really struggling with that right now.

 

SDB

-- Edited by SDB on Tuesday 28th of August 2018 08:46:23 AM

Ugh, so I just got off the phone with the family liason. She said they do 14 days because that's what insurance oks generally. She said if they deemed it "medically necessary" they could keep him there up to 28 days. I flagged some inconsistencies with what he was telling me and what she seemed to mention fell under "medically necessary." First he said they couldn't give him medication there, which she said they can and that would be one of the reasons they'd hold him to make sure he wasn't having any adverse reactions. She said he was opting to take that in outpatient, so I'm going to suggest that he starts taking in there ASAP. He also said they've been in contact with his PCP. His PCP called because she knew he had been in the ER for detox, but had no clue about rehab. So I flagged that with them as well. They also hadn't been giving him the high dose of Paxil that he's been on for years because as he put it, "They aren't very good at giving out meds here." I again flagged that. He also said that he met with a psychiatrist yesterday that prescribed him something that he'd start after leaving.

I'm feeling less comfortable with him coming home given all the inconsistencies and I think one of my boundaries will be that he needs to start the meds before coming home.

I'm also trying to figure out boundaries around money. He had been unemployed for probably the last 8 years or so, however he had full access to our joint bank account and would routinely drain it when he'd go on binges on alcohol, at bars, on buying himself expensive gifts without considering our bills. What are boundaries that you've made around finances?

-SDB

(((SDB))) - that 14 day thing was in place for the last few treatment centers we were involved with. It was hard for everyone as they would then do weekly reviews on discharge. When a program is designed for 30, 60, 90 days, and insurance becomes the deciding arm for treatment, it's hugely disconnected for all. All I knew to do was to advocate for as long in the controlled environment as possible based on facts, my observations, past events, etc.

As far as boundaries, I had to learn they were about me and not another. They are for protection and not to be punitive. With that in mind, and also feeling some freedom from the insanity/chaos of the disease, my boundaries got more specific with each treatment center experience. What I know now is that returning home for mine (sons) was not ever a good fit. For them mentally, home is often where they drank/drugged and it was too easy to fall back into habits/patterns of before. They've both had success while transitioning to a sober living home - and have tried then all - Oxford, Halfway, etc.

I got to the point where I said we would discuss/visit a return to the home for living after one year of sobriety.

I also had to be very specific - I started saying that this was a sober home, and there was no using here. So....smart as they are, they would not 'use' here, but they would possess and then take a walk to use. It became as simple as no alcohol allowed at any time for any reason.

I also have separate finances from my AH for the exact reasons as above. I have been very careful/guarded with my finances and was able to save and retire early. My AH - wants the latest/greatest toy here/now and blows through money like it's water. Getting our finances separated and keeping them so gave me tons of peace of mind.

Boundaries are way easier for me to consider if I am working with my sponsor and 'acting as if' I am helping another vs. my own loved one. There is no shame in defining a need as ability to split all finances 50/50 - I often ask myself what would another expect/need from me and/or what would be fair?

The only way I was able to manage my anxiety, fear and projection was meetings. When I couldn't get to a F2F meeting, I came here - twice a day for a long, long while. It grounded me greatly, calmed me down and kept me focused on One Day at a Time as well as just the here/now. I also had to accept that when I cared about the outcome or future of another more than they did, I was probably no longer on my side of the street!

Be gentle with you and try to just live for today. We had a huge sign around here for a long time that suggested that we needed to SEE CHANGE not just HEAR IT. Words mattered but actions were how we monitored adherence to rules...

Hope this helps (HTH) - as always, take what you like and leave the rest.

Smelling a bit like he wants to leave the facility, perhaps as much as it's an insurance issue. When the insurance tail wags the recovery dog, the probability for success plummets. Also, in and of itself -- he needs to start the meds before coming home -- is not a boundary; it's an ultimatum. Perhaps you meant it differently, but just worded it that way. So, if it's a boundary you are looking for, you will want to put that in a boundary format/structure.

One of the slogans we hear in alanon is -- check your motives. What is it you are really trying to do, to accomplish? A change in the alcoholic? Or, a change in you?

In my experience, it all comes down to -- does the alcoholic want to get better or not. I don't mean what they are saying...I mean what they are doing. If their actions, minute to minute actions, are not congruent with their words, then their words are not authentic, not sincere. My wife went to multiple rehabs -- not just detox -- rehabs! Detox -- regardless of how many days -- is not the treatment plan for the arrestment of this disease. This disease, getting clean and sober, getting healthy, and living a life of recovery...is a process...and it is not a destination...it is a journey.

Detox is simply the very first step in that process. It is the very first step on that journey. Absent insurance parameters, detox almost always leads to rehab, inpatient rehab. If it doesn't, due to insurance, it leads to IOP. If it doesn't, again, due to insurance and it simply is discharge and done -- every detox I've ever encountered, both personally in dealing with my wife and a step-son, and professionally, all of them arm the patient with all of the resources that are available -- and the main focus of that is "Go to meetings!!!" LOL.

All of that is meaningless. It is about the alcoholic. Who are they being? In my experience, if an alcoholic wants to get better, it becomes the most important thing in the world to them -- their sobriety, staying clean and sober, is the most important thing in the world. They do whatever they have to. They do what they are told. They do whatever it takes. They don't do it their way, on their terms, in their time, part-time, they don't have excuses, and there is nothing to discuss. They are solely focused on one thing and one thing only -- staying clean and sober. Period.

So, what does that mean to you? What do you want to do? Well, my experience is that the alanon person has to have the same focus, the same desire, the same visceral existence -- to want to get better. The same applies to us. If we want to get better -- then what do we do? Well, part of our recovery -- is acceptance. Acceptance means the giving up of trying to control, negotiate, etc., the alcoholic and their drinking. It means giving up trying to control or change anything about them. If we give an ultimatum, we are trying to change them, control them, etc. If we set a boundary -- we are trying to protect ourselves! There is a massive difference between the two.

There are boundaries -- healthy ones -- you can implement around finances. It is the perfect topic to talk with a sponsor about, and have the insight and perspective of someone who knows you, your story, etc., and someone who can give you objectivity. That is a key ingredient, that in my experience, most people neglect.

All the best.

SDB - my greatest resource for boundaries was/is my sponsor. I also refer to "this" often when I am considering/modifying boundaries or need reminders on detaching. I suspect you can find possibly more using Google as a point of reference if you don't yet have a sponsor. HTH (Hope This Helps)!

Keep coming back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXCERPTED FROM CH. 11 OF "HOW AL-ANON WORKS"

PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this by learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help with our limitations. But many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the alcoholic. Having interceded for so long on the alcoholic's behalf, constantly reacting, worrying, pleasing, covering up, smoothing over, or bailing him or her out of trouble, we have often taken upon our shoulders responsibilities that don't rightfully belong to us.

The result is that we lose the sense of where we leave off and the alcoholic begins. We have become so enmeshed with another person's life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we are separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the alcoholic. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if something happens to the alcoholic, it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.

Many of us even confuse this absence of personal boundaries with love and caring. For example, from the moment the alcoholic goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but think obsessively about him or her. We lose the ability to distinguish between the alcoholic and ourselves until the alcoholic's past, current, and potential actions become our sole focus. This is not love; it's obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, it is also extremely self-destructive.

Likewise, when we cancel our own plans and stay home because we fear that the alcoholic will drink if left alone, we may protest that we act out of loving self-sacrifice for the sake of the alcoholic. More likely, it is an effort to feel that we have some power over the drinking. The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an act of fear, not an act of love. Canceling plans and staying home to avoid the consequences of "defying" the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.

Genuine, healthy love isn't self-destructive. It doesn't diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves. The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.

DETACHMENT
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-Anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.

If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer have to take those effects to heart.

Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the troublealcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than to the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it at all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.

Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-Anon member can provide. An Al-Anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being.

At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is even more important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.

Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SDB - Hugs to ya! You are in a tight place right now.

All the ESH above will be helpful for you to create boundaries for YOU.

In regards to finances, this is what I did: Take what you want and leave the rest.

I told my spouse that I could not live a comfortable life worrying so much about finances. I did not mention all the times he would drain the account, etc. Moving forward, I want separate bank accounts, I told him. We went over the bills due each month, and decided we would pay 50 /50, but I was in charge of actually issuing the checks to pay the bills. Did I want to take on this responsibility? NO. But I had to realize that my spouse was incapable (for whatever reason at the time) and SOMEONE had to be the responsible adult.

Just my 2 cents, but I would state the boundary while he is in treatment, so that any anger over this boundary for YOU will be dealt with there... with people trained to do that.

Also, be fully aware that you will probably have to move forward having ZERO EXPECTATIONS of him meeting his half of those bills. It all depends if he is working his program. If he is, he'll see why this boundary is necessary. If he is not, he'll be in denial and say that it is unreasonable, you should treat him like an adult, blah, blah, blah. Don't back down from this... if there is only one thing I have learned, it is you can only control yourself, and you must protect your financial situation!

Wishing you peace today!