The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for tomorrow is about being imperfect, making mistakes and owning them. The writer had a tremendous fear of making mistakes, and went the extra mile to cover every possible outcome for fear of accusations and/or abuse from the A and self. This 'perfection' approach led to low self esteem, because the slightest error felt huge and he/she obsessed over it. Thus, covering and rationalizing mistakes while trying to maintain the appearance of perfect self-control become the 'game'.
In recovery, the writer learned to take down the rigid wall of perfection, own mistakes and open self up for growth. Step 10, which allows us to continue taking inventory and promptly admit when we are wrong is liberating - it challenges us to be honest daily. Even if/when we squirm as we review our day, we know the truth sets of free and lies hold us back. The writer quotes Mark Twain - "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
The reminder --- I will probably make a mistake of some sort every day of my life. If I view this as a personal failing or pretend that no mistakes have occurred, I make my life unmanageable. When I stop struggling to be perfect and admit when I am wrong, I can let go of guilt and shame. That is cause for rejoicing.
The quote --- from the Book of Common Prayer --- "Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start.
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I can relate to this page - I spent the majority of my life prior to recovery trying to be perfect. When that didn't work out well, I pretended (denial) that all was well with the family, world, etc. I kept secrets, I covered things up and used other unhealthy coping mechanisms to delude myself. This worked until it didn't any more, and I was left feeling broken, beat down and full of shame and feelings of failure.
When I got to Al-Anon, and kept an open mind, it was amazing that others freely discussed their mistakes and mis-steps. I loved that truth was shared without remorse, guilt and shame. Simply put, these lovely people who came before me owned their 'humanisms' and even laughed about some of their more insane 'parts' in their progression of the disease.
I was told time and time again that nobody ever asked me to be perfect. Nobody expects me or others to be perfect. We are actually created to be human - perfectly imperfect. The lessons I missed before recovery was to own the mistakes, learn from them and let them go.
Today, I am free to be me and no longer expect perfection from myself or others. I seek to understand and to be of service and view each morning as a new start to be imperfect all over again. Step 10 does give me cause to pause and review my day and right any wrongs while also bringing me closer to my HP through prayer and meditation. I can think of no better way to start and end my day that lined up with my HP taking a look at who I am, what I'm doing and how that's working out...Grateful.
Happy Thursday to one and all....sending my parents home in the AM and then off to golf. I readily admit that I love my life today and owe it all to hard work in recovery and all those who loved me until I could love myself. Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes. As I read your post, I could see me in there. Perfectionism. I have had that way of thinking all my life! Why? I have no clue. It has it's strong points, it's "place" so-to-speak. But I have morphed it into something ugly living with an addicted spouse.
Each day I work at accepting that I won't do things perfectly, no matter how hard I try. My whole self-worth is wrapped up in the mind-set of, "If I do this like this, then surely this and this will happen."
It is truly exhausting to live this way.
With this program I have been able to learn how to be gentler with others... I no longer have the mind-set of "If I can do it, anyone will be able to do it." I understand that everyone has their own level(s) of getting stuff done. Even their own time-tables. I am more accepting of their "humaness."
But I seem to be a work in progress. Every. Darn. Day! Some days are better than others. Although I must say, it has become easier to live life... I am not so hard on myself... when mistakes happen, I don't wallow in them for days anymore. I do catch myself beating myself up about them, but now this lasts only about a day. So progress in the right direction, right? LOL!
I especially love the quote today!! Thank you Iamhere for your service, and the wonderful reminder to accept myself, and let go of feelings of failure.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Great Topic IAH Accepting the fact that we are human and as such imperfect is a great message of recovery .Once I no longer held myself or others to impossible standards I became free. i too love the payer about accepting failure as a chance at a new start.
Hope you have a lovely day i was at the beach all day
I am planning on reading this to my son tonight. He's been battling a ton of anxiety and mostly around fear and that desire to be perfect and NOT make mistakes with his life. He gets overwhelmed and stressed. I wish I could get him to go to meetings!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
walking in eggshells was the way it was s=described to me. Or walking on broken glass. Heads you win, tails I lose.
A no-way trip to nowhere.
I tried my very best to be my best- so someone would notice. But it seemed the insults got thicker. Looking back I no now that this was not consciously deliberate. It just kept my head down, backside up... working harder and harder for the family.
They say you can take the kid out of the family, but not the family out of the kid. Not so, for me today. If I slowly take the guilt and shame out of my life- through the steps, and through attending my group of choice, then ah kin have both. Both my kid and my family too.
Thanks all for the shares and the ESH! Betty - hope you had a great time @ the Beach! We got rained on at golf, which was not a bad thing!
My parents began their driving journey home this AM early, so I've been moving back into my room since I give it to them for their visits. It's been a long day - so excited to sleep in my bed tonight!
David - I too love my 'kid' as well as my family - crazy and dysfunction included. It wasn't always that way - I too owe it to recovery, Al-Anon and the tools....full of gratitude!
Hey B - good to see you! So sorry your son is having some troubles. Both you and him are on my prayer list already! Your post reminded me of my own boys and it's so hard for them to realize that 'this too shall pass.'
PnP - I hear you and can so relate! I too was so focused on perfection for so, so long that I missed a huge chunk of what life and living are about - the experience. I actually have a bracelet that says, "Perfectly Imperfect", as well as one that says, "One Day at a Time" and one with the serenity prayer. Love them all as they remind me of what life is really about.
Goodnight MIP! (((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well I had to be perfect to prove him wrong..I was desperate to prove him wrong, that I was useful, did have a purpose, was valuable to someone..That I had a place in this universal scheme of things so i demanded the impossible out of me and when I was less then perfect, I was merciless on me regarding the verbal abuse I heaped on me..It took years in recovery for me to finally realize that he was a liar..I am valuable, I DO have a purpose in this life, and I do contribute to life in a positive way, and "good" is good enough for me...
case in point: I recently made over the interior of my house..Painting, changing out furniture with vintage pieces that I fixed up and restored, new stove, re-did the restrooms, changed out the linens, bed and bath both..I even got some cute stainless steel flat wear with roses on the ends of them...total interior changing of the house.. (my handyman up the street did the plumbing and technical stuff) and when it was all done, for now, anyway, I go through the house and I see little imperfections here and there, but now i can stand back and look at the big picture "yea, this looks NICE--Good job--Place looks cute" and my "shabby chic" furniture looks great along my nice pure pine wood other pieces (I absolutely hate particle board furniture and that is what I got rid of) now its all wood...sponge painted the walls with pastel colors to match my "coming out of darkness" mentality of myself...
I don't have to be perfect..I can be good...As long as I know I did my best?? I am good with that...I can accept being human and my "verbally beating me up" is way lessening...Now when I misplace my cell phone or car keys??? Yea, I need loads of work on that...the stupid, preventable, "not paying attention" stuff still gets to me..but I am a work in progress
