The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the amount of time many of us have spent focusing on others (attempting to control, wondering why, trying to change or influence behaviors) rather than self care and focus on our own selves. Although I have realized many times that I was putting the focus somewhere other than myself, the writer points out that for people who live with active alcoholism, this type of behavior is often a way to feel secure in what can be such a chaotic life.
For me, one of my rock bottom moments was when I saw myself (really felt like an out of body experience) going through my then husbands things... wallet, pockets, receipts. I was finding things too! But that was not the point. I realized I was turning into someone who I did not want to be and it really began with becoming so focused on someone else.
The writer suggests an interesting way to address this: he/she kept a log of how much time was spent either on being in someone elses business, or involved with self care. It was a concrete way to see where time was being spent and a way to begin to change that. The quotation for How Al-Anon works says it best for me:
...Making a life for ourselves, regardless of what others are doing or not doing, must be a top priority.
Happy Sunday Mary and MIP. Thank you for your service and the daily. I know I spent most of my time focused and/or obsessed on others and it was maddening. I had no life, let alone any peace of mind or genuine joy. I can say that embracing recovery, putting me first and prioritizing my needs and wants has helped me be a different person. (((Hugs))) - make it a great day all.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morningg Mary and IAH Great topic "Keeping the focus on myself". When i first entered program I did not have a clue how o accomplish this daunting task. Using the tools, I discovered that most of my energy was focused on others behavior in an effort to change them. The Steps, slogans and a sponsor helped me to keep the focus on my own thoughts, actions and words so as to improve my life. examining my motives and deciding to treat everyone with courtesy and respect improved my life greatly Thanks for your service and have a lovely day
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 21st of August 2018 06:07:58 PM
Thank you Mary for your contribution here. I did the same thing. Focusing on others and how I could so called force them or change them, to get them to love me and respect me when they had nothing to give in the first place. With the program steps and slogans and journaling and self talk, I have learned when I catch myself thinking too much about another , I catch it now and I do my appropriate program work and get the focus back on me. In doing so I am not stressing over things and people and places and situations that I cannot control. My life is more peaceful
You would think this would be an easy thing to do, but for me it was not. I just had to learn to stop trying to control that which is uncontrollable. So that left me working on the one thing I can control and that is me and therefore I am making a healthier and better me, and in doing so I Find myself more in control. Thank you for this share that I needed to read.
Hi Mary, thank you for sharing! I remember my sponsor asking me, "what would you be doing IF you hadn't had that thought?" She used to try to get me to refocus my thoughts to myself and get me off thinking and obsessing about the alcoholic. I still ask myself that question today but sometimes I often say, "What SHOULD I be doing instead?"
It's such a learning process. And, sometimes it's one step forward and 2 steps back!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Mary for such a wonderful topic today, AND your thought processes about it!! When everyone contributes their ESH on these posts, that is where I seem to get the most healing! So thank you to all those above who took the time to offer up their ESH!
It really didn't take me long to understand I was trying to control things regarding my AH. This was huge for me... "...the writer points out that for people who live with active alcoholism, this type of behavior is often a way to feel secure in what can be such a chaotic life."
This spoke volumes, and I understood the "why's" of what I was doing. It wasn't until I began to examine myself and saw that I tried to use these same behaviors on others (when I wanted change) that I knew there was a problem. Now I try and ask myself, "Why are you trying to change them? What is it that you really want?" Many times this works... sometimes not. Like andromeda says, it's one step forward, and two steps back at times!
I am really using this (focusing on control) a lot lately with my soon to be adult Kid. Here I also have to accept him just where he is at in his life. I am working on the difference between expectations and good, healthy boundaries. Since he is still living at home we are trying to work on a relationship that is built on mutual respect, not the parent/child relationship... it is not always easy, as he has pushed some boundaries I thought were solid, and it's difficult changing behaviors you have modeled for 18 years! One Day at a Time for sure!
Going to go work in the yard and finally hang some pictures in my bedroom (it's been almost a year - gasp!).
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
One of my early communications with my (online) sponsor:
I sent him an e-mail...
He responded with a simple "51", to which I responded "huh"?
His response to me was priceless, as he explained himself in his follow-up note: "Tom, you referred to your AW 51 times during your e-mail. I am here to provide help and guidance for you, not her. Keep the references down to a reasonable number - i.e. 3 or 4 tops - or I will simply delete your e-mail and not respond"
I LOVE this! He was blunt, but soooooo right on the mark!
Regards
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My dad was my first qualifier. He lived up on a hill... I always but always looked up there- to see if his house was parked beside his house- and he was home safe.
He never seemed to care for me and look out for me. Maybe once or twice in a lifetime. So I grew up expecting to look out for others- my role model.
I had symptoms of C-PTSD for years. Since I was a kid. And it is darned hard to wriggle free from that. I learned that this was because it was a parental role model- and it was really deeply ingrained.
Knowing that removes the spectre of shame from my world. It was not about me, after all!
Today the only qualifier I need is me. I do not have to justify being here. I belong, because I belong, ultimately to myself.
(((((David))))) I just LOVE your last 2 paragraphs...about the shame and not having to justify being here.....I needed to see that....I, too, BELONG!!!!! and yep...I belong, "ultimately to myself" soooooo true, my friend
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 26th of August 2018 10:10:20 PM
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