The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This reading discusses how we view our defects of character. Some defects can be traits we once needed to survive in an alcoholic situation -- like denial, control, or secrecy -- but now we find those traits do more harm than good. They are former assets that have become deficits. Some defects may be assets that have grown out of proportion; a sincere desire to help others can be exaggerated into a desperate need to fix another person. Viewed this way, when we ask our Higher Power to remove our defects of character, we are simply asking to bring them back into balance, and only remove the aspects that no longer serve our needs.
Quote: "Sometimes we must accept ourselves, defects and all, before those defects are removed." - - In All Our Affairs
I love this page because it shows how Al-Anon is a gentle program. When I first got into Al-Anon and read the 12 Steps, I noticed that I would have to admit my defects of character. That sounded harsh to me, but I was desperate and willing to go to any lengths for my recovery. When I thought of admitting defects, I conjured up the image of sitting in the interrogation room at a police station, with a good cop and a bad cop trying to get me to confess to a crime.
When my sponsor said, "Be gentle with yourself," and I was encouraged to list my assets before my defects, I was surprised. I had to recognize the positive intention behind my defects. Admitting defects was not a punishment; it was a way to find freedom through understanding and forgiveness.
Good morning Freetime Great topic I know that 'seeing ' my defects and finally then accepting them as being destructive helped me to grow and change immediately.
My defects were the tools i developed to survive in an alcoholic home and they were my friends. Needing to surrender them was shocking however program provided new constructive tools to live by and I am so pleased to live by these principles. "Be gentle" with myself was a foreign concept early on however I now see how very important that is and urge others to use it
Thanks for your servie
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you and Betty both for your ESH and shares. I too really like this page - it reminds me that being imperfect is how we are designed and that change is not only possible, it's probable when we seek a spiritual life with healthy program principles.
I am one who believes many of my defects were exploited assets or characteristics of 'me' as designed. Using recovery tools to see me who I am vs. who I wanted to be helps me work on balance in a healthy way. My favorite finding is I am not required to fix, react, respond to all things around me - my best form of support often is to just pause, pray and be present for others. I know today that I can choose healthy responses if required, and be authentic in all situations as I'm never alone!
Happy Friday to one and all - off to golf in a bit with my father & AH....looking forward to it! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, Freetime, for the daily, and thank to Betty and IAH for your shares.
I like to think of my character defect as strengths of character that I have taken to an unhealthy extreme. This helps me to recognize them as parts of my character that I need, but that I can over-rely on. This helps me remember to stay in balance, or try to stay more in balance.
Happy Friday everyone!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
maybe it is because they said I was the "defect" that I hate that word...I used the term survival skills....unwanted traits I had to develope in order to survive.....I go back to Jerry's teaching....instead of asking any HP to "take them away" (did that and it didnt' work) so I ACT AS IF re: implanting NEW behaviors....like over writing my screwed up harddrive of my brain....re-train me like Pavlov's dog......the word defect to me, and this is only MY take, just sounds like another putdown, so I say "unwanted habits" or "unneeded survival skills" learned to survive back then...or like someone on here said "assets turned into liabilities" or words to that affect.....the traits worked back then...now they work against me....so time to RE-write my brain harddrive
Thanks for your service, Freetime, and all the ESH. I know I don't like looking at, admitting my defects and before this program and the steps (I'm on step 6) I didn't really. While it is not pleasant I do see now that it is necessary to grow. Sweeping everything under the rug didn't work. So good I'm trying not to do that anymore. I hope everyone has a good weekend :)
Thanks to everyone for your shares on this topic. The discussion of how we interpret that word "defect" made me remember something I tried early on. I too found that word offensive, so I tried to think of how I could accept it. I remembered in the past, when I bought some clothing made of a natural fabric, there would be a tag on the item that said something like "the lumps and bumps in this fabric are not defects, this is part of its natural beauty." In other words, don't try to return this dress to the store, because this is the way it is. This helped me to the idea that I didn't have to reject myself, I had to accept myself and then appreciate my natural assets.
Thanks Freetime and all the ESH. This was a huge change of thinking for me, because I only saw defects, and some of them were not even true. And I stayed in denial so I could cope with all the addicted relationships I have been in. And I'm still in one. I do grow stronger and continue to peel layers of the onion. I don't mind doing all the hard work in program because I was a sinking ship prior to alanon. Now I'm on a lifeboat, Lyne
Lyne, I have exactly the same image of Al-Anon as a lifeboat. Living with the disease felt like drowning, and then here comes a lifeboat with people that grab the rope I was losing my grip on, and pull me aboard, so we can row to safety together.
The lifeboat idea also helped me with minor differences I might have with the program or people... maybe I don't like certain wording in the Steps or how someone else behaves in a meeting ... but to me those are minor details, like what color is the lifeboat... heck, it is saving my life, so I can take what I like and leave the rest.
What a great group of ESH here!! Thank you Freetime, for your service today and this great topic. It has sparked some good shares!
I especially liked the imagery of the clothing that is "natural" and hence has some defects that are part of the beauty of the product! I can really see myself in that light! LOL!
Currently in the midst of Step 5, and I like to think that I am exactly what Skorpi described... I have these great traits that have become askew so that I could live amongst the "crazy." By listing my good traits, I found this to be true. I was able to see that most were still good traits, but needed to be adjusted to my new way of thinking and being.
By the same token, I was able to fully see my "undesirable" traits as well... some were easy to toss, others need work every day! LOL!
TGIF everyone, TGIF!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
This reading really spoke to me today. I donāt always know my defects and something my husband does is help me realize them. Like yesterday he said you really have a way of speaking your mind and being blunt. I realized that yes indeed that is a big one and Iāve been working on it to be better. But I asked him later what he meant and he said well when we worked together you made sure that everyone was working properly and you didnāt like it if someone was standing around. And I said well I donāt think itās fair for some to be just playing on their phone when others are working hard. Since this has been mentioned Iāve been doing a lot of self reflection and I realize that I donāt like to be run over and in my family we had to speak up or be run over. Anyway Iām rambling, lol defects are so hard! Lol
hey Freetime....thank you for your ESH on the word "defect" AND your story about the dress....LOVED it....I needed to see your post today.....Hugs of gratitude
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