The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This was the subject of the meeting I went to yesterday.
I haven't been focusing on one day at a time, but after listening to others in the group yesterday I think I get it. I get so angry about past ''wrongs", and so overwhelmed about what I have coming (selling the house, telling the children we are separating, filing for divorce), that I just can't deal with what is in front of me right now.
So, I've decided to make a few changes;
1. I'm going to keep a diary. Other people have said on here that they find writing things down helpful and I think it will focus my thinking.
2. I'm going to try to do one kind thing each day for my AH regardless of how I feel inside. That will hopefully help me with this silence. Today I made him his breakfast. Small, I know, but still.
3. I'm going to make sure I do one thing for me each day, and one lovely thing each week. Today I went to the cinema, which is my lovely thing. This had the dual benefit of getting me out of the silence at home for a bit, and I also laughed (was a funny film!). I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but hope I will wake up feeling inspired to do something!
I have only been to two meetings, and each time I've fallen into bed exhausted afterwards. But I've noticed that I feel better the next day so I need to grab those moments of clarity and cling to them.
The biggest thing that I'm trying to remember at the moment (apart from the fact that I need to focus on me) is that I have blown a lot of AH's drinking out of proportion. He has got drunk too often, and promised to stop etc. But actually, whilst the children have seen him drunk and witnessed uncomfortable confrontations as a result, he has never hit us, or lost his license/job, or caused irreparable damage to anyone or anything (other than our marriage).
The biggest thing that I'm trying to remember at the moment (apart from the fact that I need to focus on me) is that I have blown a lot of AH's drinking out of proportion. He has got drunk too often, and promised to stop etc. But actually, whilst the children have seen him drunk and witnessed uncomfortable confrontations as a result, he has never hit us, or lost his license/job, or caused irreparable damage to anyone or anything (other than our marriage).
It feels great to write more positively for once!
I too felt this way and said some of the things you are saying. Be careful. Don't be complacent because you are comparing something bad to something that is worse. Don't trivialize his drinking, this disease, the impact it has on you and your children, and so forth. Don't convince yourself that "well, it's not that bad" or "at least he doesn't hit us" or anything like that. That is a slippery slope.
On the other hand -- if you do feel, think, and want the above, and that's a life you want to lead, live, and you are OK with that...go right ahead. However, remember, you are a beginner. Don't make any rash, big decisions, for at least 6 months so that you can clear your head, get some focus and clarity, and not make decisions in haste. Be careful. Slow down. Talk to some seasoned people at the face to face meetings you are going to. Find a sponsor. Tell him/her your story, work with them, and then ask them for their experience, their perspective, their insight, get some objectivity, a different viewpoint and perspective.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Love your plan and love that you're getting to some meetings. I can relate to the aftermath - very tired yet a tad bit of hope. Each time I left a meeting, I felt a little better. Each time I tried a suggestion, I felt a bit better. I journal often and did so daily when I first came to Al-Anon. Mostly at the advice/suggestion of my sponsor. I was allowed to only discuss me and what I was feeling, thinking, etc. It was hard as I too was so used to blaming (and shaming) my A(s) for what I perceived as broken/destroyed/awful. I was also asked to do daily gratitude lists, daily asset lists and focus on what is improving/better than what's broken/not.
You are doing marvelous - great self-care plan....(((hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the replies. Bo, I don't feel that I have 6 months. I will go crazy in this silence. And, to be honest, I'm struggling to talk at the meetings about my difficulties. Everyone else there is so much better at this than me, and most are children of alcoholic parents. I can't talk there, I'm ashamed because I just cry, right from the beginning till the end. How can I ask one of them to be a sponsor? I don't know them and they don't know me, and they have all been through so much worse. Getting a sponsor just isn't that easy.
Incidentally, lots of your replies have really helped me. I tried the ironing with precision focus, and whilst flipping hard, the results were fantastic! And my mind felt calmer too. I was able to sleep afterwards.
I suppose what you are telling me now is that I could somehow find myself slipping back to the mindset of clinging to the relationship no matter what. I will be watchful of that.
Sorry about the sponsor rant. It is another thing which makes me anxious. I've been thinking that maybe I could just make a start on my own, and hope that eventually a sponsor will appear to me.
OK, I hear you. If you can't deal with the silence, OK, I understand. If you are struggling sharing at meetings -- just keep going. Eventually you will share. We are only as sick as our secrets. Once we get them out, they no longer hurt or consume us. Don't project about everyone else. Focus on YOU. The people there if they are better can help YOU!!! I cried at my first 7 meetings. I didn't speak at all. But, eventually I did. And, I got better.
They are not strangers...they are just friends you haven't met yet! Getting a sponsor is as easy -- or as difficult -- as you make it. You've already made it difficult. When you are ready, you will be ready. My sponsor didn't know me either. But he did it for me. Because somebody did it for him. And that's what we do. We give back!!! Your sponsor will get to know you...and you'll be on your way.
I am glad my replies have helped you. I can only share my experience and what has helped me. It may not be "party line" so to speak, but it's my experience. It's mine.
Lastly, no, that's not what I am telling you. All I am saying is be careful trivializing what he does and doesn't do so that you become complacent -- and do not start accepting unacceptable behavior. Sometimes we tend to "drop" or "lower" our standards. That's what I am warning against.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Love this post. Thank you for sharing. It's wonderful to me to see the opposites beginning. That's how I did it too. I took the slogans like one day at a time and began trying to change my thinking. I too was a habitual chronic negative thinker and little by little I replaced a lot if it with new positive thoughts through the kind of effort and commitment you have shared here. This really works and well done. Your progress is brilliant and it can make a huge difference to your life and your family. I write gratitude lists or say them in my car very day. I try to write asset lists and I read one reading each day. I pray also and it sets me up with an open heart and a day where I can be at peace that I've treated myself and others with courtesy and kindness. I'm not perfect though maybe one day.x
Groups vary a fair bit... from place to place. Some healthy- some struggling- and some going through changes- just like we do... :D
I won't tell you my own story, from end to end... but I found that steps One Two and Three are best done inside of a group.
I found that to be a much better vantage point to tee up with a sponsor.
Jerry is running a thread here- which is doing such a thing... steps 2 and 3. It does help to clear the air... and helps give us a sense of reality.
Sometimes members disagree- but in a healthy group like this one- this is a strength... ...
Nice to see you sit up- start your own thread... and your header from a f2f meeting...
after years of struggle I seem to manage to stay in the present moment. A great place to be! I sense that in you too...
whatever the outcomes and choices you make... you seem to me to be inherently healthy... and have the capacity to craft your own sense of belonging... ...
Hey A nother...I absolutely love your plan...I am journalling regularly and it does help...doing kind/nice/fun things for me and doing kind towards others...... anything positive in my actions, makes positive energy/karma , what I put out, comes back to me..........Glad you went to see a movie...yesterday i was getting waaay too much stress and drama from people, and situations...so I got on my favorite workout machine and I "gave it hell" blasted my tunes and just LEFT all the crap behind me....I went to bed and woke up not feeling bad at all...my coping skills are "compromised" due to GAD and PTSD but I am discovering that blasting my tunes as I work out, I am focused on the good music and my body working out, I detach from all the outside of me crap!!!! then i get up this am, and puppy pooped, (reeeeel runny stuff.....it was horrible) in her crate, so i just shrugged my shoulders and drug her and her crate outside and hosed her and the crate down.....i just said "ohhhhh thank you" yea, it was sarcastic, but I didn't go nuts about it...I just cleaned her up....let her play till it was time to come back in and I was outta here and on to work....came home and all was normal....so yea, doing nice things for me and others and tuning out the negative , unwanted events, they can't stay if I don't feed them with fighting it................ohhhhhh I need to PRACTICE PRACTICE...so that is my plan............non resistance
You are doing GREAT!!!! I am really impressed with your attitude.............HUGSS
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