The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
asking for feedback from group shares. I am having a crack at re-starting a group in my home town.
I believe that I an a natural victim- of the disease- but I do not have to be a martyr. All I have to do is to give it my best shot.
The city south of here has four meetings. The biggest one had 15 or 16 members. The province has 6 meetings. This would be the southernmost Alanon in the world. Invercargill is a bit like Rapid City- serving a rural population.
Elsewhere Alanon struggles a fair bit.
I am lucky because my SO draws a salary. By trade I am a field worker, really. Apart from a few years on a railways gang- and on sheep shearing gangs. So I get to tag along and get to travel. Have bin to the USA twice.
My experience with my SO's addiction is a different story indeed. I have used my Alanon successfully to address this- from my own perspective. Our relationship and family culture hang by a thread for a long time- but now things are a lot better. I believe i have distilled the best of Alanon- the learning and experience.
Last year we visited Malaysia and Singapore. We stayed with three families. Malaysia has no Aa or Alanon. Outwardly the country is alcohol free- no bars or bottle stores. I went of a meeting in Singapore. I found my way to a bustling Catholic Church. The "rooms" were right at the back up a ricketty lift. I sat in there and had ample time for personal reflection. I newcomer arrived and we chatted. The chair arrived 20 mins late.
I was good for me because the newcomer wept. It was good for me because I know I was trusted. The way i speak and my demeanour. Much less anger and sadness emanating. A good sign.
I sometimes despair about Alanon and think it might go down like the Titanic. I actually believe that times have changed- and the problem drinking I saw in my youth is in decline today. Very gradual.
I have taken what i liked- and left the rest- in Alanon.
My approach is straight forward and practical. I believed I moved from compassion to empathy. As I found emotional and spiritual health my Hp led me to where I needed to be.
Being here is 100% one of those places! ...
I went to me nearest F2F group on Monday evening. This group is fairly unusual because it has a large number of men!
I had a brief time of sharing and I noticed the adult child sitting next to me was responding emotionally. Another very good sign.
I have two more monthly meetings to go- in my ownhome town. September and one more in October.
I sense I should not make it too easy to come- or too easy for others to offer members... I do not want to be "easy meat". I want people to want and need to be here. To value my time as well as theirs.
((David)) I am a little confused do you feel alanon will not work in these towns as alcoholism does not exist there? i think if we build it they will come
i have started few groups here in NYC and it is a rewarding experience Since i did not like sharing by a a show of hands. i suggested that we establish a "round robin format which is still in use today. It was helpful to vote on the type of meeting such as beginners, Step or slogan-speaker or reading from literature. rotation of leadership is also important Good luck
((David)) I am a little confused do you feel alanon will not work in these towns as alcoholism does not exist there? i think if we build it they will come
i have started few groups here in NYC and it is a rewarding experience Since i did not like sharing by a a show of hands. i suggested that we establish a "round robin format which is still in use today. It was helpful to vote on the type of meeting such as beginners, Step or slogan-speaker or reading from literature. rotation of leadership is also important Good luck
Creating a safe, fun, group culture... and for me learning... and building on the natural curiosity has gotten me by...
Around here most people see an alcoholic as someone sitting on a park bench drinking sherry out of a paper bag. Also a growing number of liberal people are hotly opposed to the spiritual content of all 12 Step groups. This includes health professionals...
what we have here is 'promotion by attraction' and leading by example.
Oh yes, Betty... forms of group democracy are really really important... for me the fundamentals- is being noticed- and being heard. I think this has the biggest impact- from the get-go.
I have read so many Alanon books and manuals- I seem to sound like one myself!
But you know me well, Betty... ... talking this through- and "learning me stuff" may give me that edge ah'm looking for... thanks...
It seems to me that our small town can't keep meetings. Someone seems to give up who has to carry the meetings. I have tried to carry the message. I kept a meeting going for several years. But no one seems to put our program going here. They put it all on me. I can't do for them what they need & that frustrates me. So we have no meeting at all here. The nearest meeting is 60 miles away. You can see the reasons but what our the solutions?
It seems to me that our small town can't keep meetings. Someone seems to give up who has to carry the meetings. I have tried to carry the message. I kept a meeting going for several years. But no one seems to put our program going here. They put it all on me. I can't do for them what they need & that frustrates me. So we have no meeting at all here. The nearest meeting is 60 miles away. You can see the reasons but what our the solutions?
Yes K. I am with you 100%. I may not succeed. it is down to members- right up to WSO- and back down the line... progress not perfection... ...
I wish you the best David. I am lucky to live in a highly populated metro area, and have access to many meetings. It's really sad to me that I can find multiple AA meetings daily within 5 miles of me, but can't find even 1 daily of Al-Anon expanding to a 25 mile radius. My hope is as Betty says - if you build it, they will come. I've been involved with others starting 2 groups. One is alive, healthy and well and the other passed by the wayside. The successful one uses the manual, follows the traditions and is all about group conscience. The latter had issues as the founding couple really wanted to control everything which is contrary to all that we're about.
The meetings were great, the members were lovely. Yet, the lack of following the traditions and guidelines mattered to most of us and the group fell apart/disbanded. Just know that like raising a child, it takes a village. One person can't carry the meeting only the message! You got this!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've started a few groups...not 12 step ones....and to be honest, I wish I had followed the advice of a dear recovering friend who suggested I start one similiarly to the 12 step traditions and cautioned not take on board the work all alone or I may become burnt out. On the one hand, I did build it and they did come. On the other hand, the cause was important and the process of it took a huge bite out of me which I am still nursing. We started off with a membership of 7. The last time I had the courage to check we were 125. All occasions were a test of the ego. Sometimes I would want to let go and just couldn't. In hindsight, I wish I had scheduled in the exact hours and exact days which I was going to spend on it and had kept to the forefront of my entire consciousness that what is meant to be will be regardless of me. Anyway, good luck with starting the group. I hope you find some good supporters. I also love meetings that have food
Take care!
-- Edited by a4l on Wednesday 15th of August 2018 12:28:25 AM
David, thanks for sharing. While I don't understand the connection between being a natural victim, being a martyr, and giving it your best shot, starting a meeting is just that, starting a meeting. The cliche of "if you build it, they will come" can be euphoric to some, but to me, it is keep it simple. I don't know if that makes sense, but if there's a need, a desire, the meeting will fly.
Where I live, in my county, we have about 45 meetings a week, including beginners meetings. There is at least a meeting every morning and every night. Long story short, a group of men were chatting one night after a meeting and someone said, "we should start a men's meeting" and the idea was born. But, it wasn't some massive project. One guy, that's it -- one guy ran with the ball -- and the men's meeting was started. Simple, clear, to the point. They found a church, completed the application to the WSO, sent it in, got approval, and done. They got "the opening" online, and scheduled their first meeting. There was no other men's meeting in the county. There was one in another county about 30-40 minutes away. This new men's meeting (an evening meeting) obviously conflicted with another meeting on the same night. This other meeting was about 5-7 minutes away. But, it was for men only. Other meetings already conflicted, obviously, with 45 meetings in the county, they had to conflict. They chose a night that didn't conflict with two other "big" and popular meetings. And, they were on their way. Today, it's 8 years later, and the meeting averages between 18 and 25 men, depending on the time of year.
Point being -- if there is a need, it flies. There is no failure in a meeting not "succeeding" so to speak. It is service to try and start a meeting. It is giving back. Alanon will always pale in comparison -- vis a vis # of meetings, attendees, etc. -- compared to AA. Here in my county there are approximately 10 times the number of AA meetings as there are alanon meetings...yes, 10 times!
In my experience, what is most important, is that it is a conference approved, official meeting. That it follows the traditions and principles. That it has all the required ingredients of the alanon recipe. Alanon will always have a presence. It will always "be" and exist. Someone's drinking may not bother someone or anyone in the drinker's life...today. But, we don't know what we don't know. If you say the problem drinking you saw in your youth is in decline today -- OK, I cannot argue with that because I don't know what problem drinking you saw -- but there is still drinking, and if there is still drinking, there will still be some kind of problem drinking. Lesser numbers, greater numbers, etc. -- I never thought alanon would become extinct.
One of the most important things -- and benefits -- of alanon is that no matter where you go, an alanon meeting, is supposed to be just that, an alanon meeting. It is supposed to look, sound, and be the same, everywhere. Nuances, differences -- but the same program, the same principles, the same tools, and the same 12 steps. Uniformity, consistency, and so forth.
Your motives are sincere, authentic. And, most important, you are giving back. You will benefit as well. This is alanon.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
David, I applaud you for even thinking of taking this on and I agree with the others who mentioned that it must be all about the principles and precepts of alanon...and like Bo said, if it is meant to be , it will fly...There are NO alanon meets near me and it saddens me...the few that did pop up , the ones who started them, would throw religion at you, or it was all about control, AND, believe it or not, they had their "pets" and the "non pets" were ignored or shunned in that the mods, acted as if they didn't exist, while they let their pets "hog the share time" etc., and the mods/aka hosts would ESH them, and all, and of course most of us who were shunned walked out and the group failed..and it needed to fail...the group was an insult to alanon, et al...
as mod, and I've been a mod on pal talk 12 steps meets, on boards like this where it is posts and no voice, etc., and i've run into folks I just do not like, but I can say that I put principles over personalities and I treated them all the same....there is nothing worse then a mod or host who shows prejudice for or against members they decide they LIKE and the shunning of the ones they DONT like....principles over personalities...when I was on pal talk, I let a friend of mine co-mod with me because he had more experience and I thought it would be a blessing to the group.....NOT!!!!! he had his favorites and he had a few he just flat out acted as tho they did not exist....members were writing to me on the message feature to "get rid of him, hes ruining the group" I finally had a pvt chat with him and said "this is'nt working, we need to change this" he left and I had already lost a few members over his behavior but for the most part the group did OK...we lasted for a while, then pal talk began to wane and group kinda dissolved....it was fun while it lasted....it was NOT WSO approved, but we had a hell of a good time..LOTS of healing and love and growth..
If ANYONE can do this and make it "fly" it would be you...You show no favoritism, you follow the precepts and principles of alanon, et al, and you perform your position as servant and/or moderator to the 12 steps admirably.....it is always great to travel this road of recovery with you..I truly love walking this journey with you and I wish you the absolute BEST in what you decide to do with this...I would give almost anything if someone like you started a group near me...this is a metro area and I cannot believe, what groups we DID have, were run by people who had NO business being moderators or hosts...I've chaired a few times when we had this one alanon group that was pretty cool and sadly it went by the wayside....I've not seen another one yet and its been a few years now
sending you positive energy and loads of HUGSSSS my friend
I am inspired, around all the MIP groups- that Tanin stepped in and took over the business side when John passed away. Now Tanin is stepping down as Admin and passing it on... ...I don't expect that we are perfect here... But because her come from here, there, and everywhere there is a special atmosphere. everyone pitches in.
The victim- martyr thing I said. I decided not to call a weekly meeting... and just sit in. I only need two more people to make a start. And I know, for sure they will need to be special people. I may have one coming next month- fingers crossed.
I used to try far to hard- and I sensed Alanon did too. I used to think- let us be hard to find and difficult to get into! The difficult bit happens with every newcomers- seeing that delightful combination of laughter and tears. And thinking i could never match that!
I still reflect a lot on my first meeting- and how impossible change really seemed.
I wanted one or two agencies to value what we do- and what we achieve. We are voluntary and self-supporting.
I am an Alanon-ACA double winner. I needed help in my life [don't we all.] Aca helped me a lot- not because i missed out first time round- but because the knowledge and information just wasn't there.
About 25 years ago Alnon in this part of the world effectively banned ACA. I was mad about that- but not mad about Alanon. Just the individual concerned.
Maybe in 15 or 20 years Alanon AA and ACA might have shared assemblies.
Especially in this part of the world- much fewer numbers- and specialised groups have a really tough row to hoe.
when I cross the border into Alanon I try my best to stick to the rules and guidelines...
as a kid I was power-less and boundary-less too... really confused. I can fairly say I could not join conversations easily at all- I tended to gate-crash other people's conversations...
...as a kid I suffered from gross neglect. The fault of the illness- not the people.
I still trigger badly from the cold and the damp.
But I had glue ear and never really learned to hear things properly.
In recent times I got my left ear cleared up and now I can hear well. I can hear the nuance and intonation in people's voices.
today ah kin smile and join in conversations.
i needed places like this- sometimes just with words- to find my feet. Because i had to relearn everything- from a junior level.
But, despite my age I am catching up. Not fast- but regular.
When our hometown Alanon group fell over I came here, and found my feet.
The issue was that I wasn't allowed to read from "Hope For Today". Ever.
For some funny reason- without me in the group- it did not even exist at all. ...
I "grew up" with ODAT, C2C and Hope... all the trimmings, as they say... and also "From Survival to Discovery".
In the spirit of Tradition 4 I believe that we should all work together- with the similarities and not the differences.
I have told this story b4- but I shall repeat...
My old group used to have a sort of committee that ran everything. So they must have met sometime- and they allocated me a sponsor. She is still a friend today, but no longer a member.
What happened was that her hubby was in AA. He started an open sharing meeting in town- and we each read from the 12x 12. AA and Alanon. So I got a great grounding in Aa as well.
The group took about 18 months to really crank up- and after 30 or more years is still going.
At the time I lived in a fog- numbing or dissociation it is called today. I was not aware of the opportunities unfolding for me...
...today- I look back with humility and pride.
The big thing for me- is that I am still learning, still growing emotionally- what a treat! ...
Alanon is based upon attraction, not promotion. The principles are vital to alanon as a program. I have always been viceral about the beginner being the most important person in the room. The 12 steps are the foundation of alanon, the path, the track, and the curriculum, for the alanon program. JMO. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thanks for sharing everything David
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Alanon is based upon attraction, not promotion. The principles are vital to alanon as a program. I have always been viceral about the beginner being the most important person in the room. The 12 steps are the foundation of alanon, the path, the track, and the curriculum, for the alanon program. JMO. Take what you like and leave the rest.
thanks Bo. Ah kinda know the meaning of the word, visceral. But ah looked it up anyways... and held it my hand like a precious stone, and passed it from hand to hand, picking up the vibes.
the answers and the direction, I think, come in a package. Nothing can be left out really. The group, the newcomer, the study, the outreach...
this morning I am more or less on a retreat... doing some community work.Saturday morning- lovely time to share... down on the coast... ...
Alanon is based upon attraction, not promotion. The principles are vital to alanon as a program. I have always been viceral about the beginner being the most important person in the room. The 12 steps are the foundation of alanon, the path, the track, and the curriculum, for the alanon program. JMO. Take what you like and leave the rest.
thanks Bo. Ah kinda know the meaning of the word, visceral. But ah looked it up anyways... and held it my hand like a precious stone, and passed it from hand to hand, picking up the vibes.
the answers and the direction, I think, come in a package. Nothing can be left out really. The group, the newcomer, the study, the outreach...
this morning I am more or less on a retreat... doing some community work.Saturday morning- lovely time to share... down on the coast... ...
You are welcome David. In the course of my travels, I've been to alanon meetings where there are over 100 people, and some where there have been less than 5 people. I was once in a small town in the mid-west -- long story, LOL -- and I found an alanon meeting. Got there early. Nobody there. Waited. Another person finally showed up, one minute before the meeting was supposed to begin. No one else showed up. We had a meeting with two people. We read the entire opening, we did a reading, we read the 12 steps, we did everything as if there were other people there...because it was an alanon meeting. I've been to open meetings, closed meetings, beginners meetings, topic meetings, step meetings, discussion meetings, speakers meetings, and other types of meetings. Anywhere I travel, I go to a meeting. People travel and they bring their toothbrush...I do both, I bring my toothbrush and I go to an alanon meeting, LOL.
Outreach is a touchy subject...again, one of the principles of the program is attraction, not promotion. At the same time, there is outreach. Personally, I view them as very different, distinct by nature and motivation. I think the conference approved literature is excellent. And, in the past one year, WSO has revamped, updated, etc., many of the brochures, the beginners packs, etc. But that material is a real substantial, take home, that the beginner can look to. However, I do think there needs to be outreach. It's important. I've yet to walk into a hotel though and see on the activity board..."Friends of Lois W." (LOL).
Sounds like you have a lovely weekend lined up...enjoy!!! All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi David and Bo, I too have been to meetings with only two people -- and we followed the meeting format, read the standard readings -- but wow, there was a lot of sharing, because... well, with two people to fill an hour's time, we can get really deep and really get to know the other person, while still trying to follow the "no crosstalk" guideline.
I don't travel much, but when I do, an Al-Anon meeting is in the plans. How I would love to see "Friends of Lois W." listed on an activity board!
David, continued prayers for your success in forming a new, healthy meeting. If I am ever in your neck of the woods, I will show up.
I was thinking- I could put a footrest under the table- and just rely on coming to the MIP meeting.
Instead i am keeping myself' in the swim- so i can take advantage of any visitors coming to the meetings I called- that is being able to speak from the heart. ESH and all the Alanon trimmings.
These last few months I did a 9th step with my daughter. I felt that I had lost her- emotionally a long time ago. And I did not want to lose her completely. I went with my gut, my instinct and my higher power... ...it has worked out well- but is taking time to mend...
Spent time with her and her friend and their kids today... ...
...
... talking this through- and "learning me stuff" may give me that edge ah'm looking for... 
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