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Hi all. Forgive my all over the place post here. I come here to read quite often but I admittedly don't get to many meetings.
Husband got drunk at a party the other night and it was embarrassing for me. He gets loud and extemely animated - I think it is social anxiety mostly.
Brief back story. I quit drinking 18 years ago - I had black outs, binge eating while drunk, anger problems. He gave it up for the most part. His family has death and destruction from alcohol which I don't think he has ever really dealt with emotionally. He is not the type to seek out therapy.
My 19 yo daughter has issues with alcohol too - and she still lives at home (after a couple years of MIA, living with boyfrined, living at park, etc - it was a nightmare). She said she has quit drinking and we allow her to live here - she is not given money. She can be here if she is sober. The other night she was obviously on something - it looked like she had been drinking. Since then she has been sober.
My anxiety over our future is out of control right now. I have no intentions of leaving my husband and ending my marriage over this. But his drinking has escalated in the last couple months because we have had time to go out in the evenings and he always drinks beer, usually at a casino we enjoy gambling a little after dinner. I know people will say to find something else you like to do together, but for now this is it (one night a week during the school year). Some nights he only has a couple and other nights he has probably 4 or 5.
I can only control myself, and even then it is iffy. Higher power - I have not grasped this yet. I was not raised in a religious family and so this concept is difficult for me. I do believe there is something after we die but I don't know what it is. It is somewhat comforting to me, but I wish I could really FEEL it - have that unwavering certainty that all is well and God is in charge. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders and that I failed and that I have been living a lie. All these years where we didn't bring alcohol into the house, felt good about raising my kids in a sober family - all of it feels fake now because my husband still drinks. My negative feelings are taking over and I am not able to see anything bright right now. I also feel like I am keeping a secret from my kids and my family - that dad has an alcohol problem. I don't want them to know, but it feels like I am left with the ugly truth.
If anyone has suggestions for self care - how to stop the loop of anxiety - how to ask your higher power for strength and love - please let me know. I keep praying but I feel like I am not connecting on an emotional or spiritual level. Book suggestions too if anyone has any. I have quite a few and do find them helpful but more is always welcome. Thanks for reading.
I can't easily comment here, I am new to this too. But I too am struggling with the higher power thing. At the moment I am relying (heavily) on this board for strength. I know it's not right but I do find the acknowledgement and replies helpful.
As for self care, I've become vain! I'm paying huge amounts of attention to what goes in my mouth, and on my skin. My legs are super smooth and my face Uber moisturised! It is my way of reminding my self that I matter here.
I too feel overwhelmed about which books to read. Would love someone to highly recommend just one book (I don't have much budget).
Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . These meetings are held in most communities and offer positive tools to live by. My fear and anxiety nearly destroyed me until i embraced the principles of alann and then I found it easier to live life regardless if the alcoholic was drinking or not.
No one told me what to do but welcomed me, gave me information ( many low cost program books are available at meetings and some are free}they all focus on the disease and suggested i keep coming back Glad i did You are not alone
When I first started, reading was a major form of self-care. Sujggestions on a book to read -- "How Al-Anon Works" is usually the least expensive and is very comprehensive. Where I live, many meetings give a free copy to newcomers. Another book I liked, not by Al-Anon but totally supportive of the principles, is "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet Woititz. Both are available on Amazon, and public libraries might also have them.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 12th of August 2018 07:03:14 PM
The only esh I wanted to share on this share was that of the HP. Religion has been on the fringes of my life from very young and I always rejected it. I still do personally but figure however one gets their own spiritual comfort is totally up to that person. But organised religion is not for me. In terms of a higher power though, I have never doubted that for a moment. What I have found time and again in my life is that the HP of my understanding, makes itself known when there is no logical reason for me to get out of a nasty situation. Then somehow, a miracle will turn up. This doesn't mean that I have not had to endure heartbreak out of my control or that I always get what I want. But I certainly have never been without what I need and those awful times when I could see no rhyme or reason to what was happening, in hindsight were the greatest spiritual gifts of my life. I may well die penniless but I will not die ignorant, lol. We learn to hand things over ( and I am still crap at this in a lot of ways) and trust in the process of life. Almighty Brain syndrome was given to me once in the rooms here, relinquishing the beleif I had in my Almighty Brain, deliberate capitals. If a Higher Power is conceived of as that which will make all wrongs right, what is one currently serving?I served my Almighty Brain, by relying on it and its mandates even as it failed time and time again. I served my alcoholic loved ones by placing faith in their words. At times I served substances by placing them above all others including myself. I beleive all humans serve a Higher Power of some sort, even atheists, we just are not aware that we do when we conceive of a higher power only in the ways which popular society defines one. My twenty five cents. Take care strangeworld and a nother.
Letting go is really hard in so many respects. I use to hate when someone would say to me when I was overwhelmed.. are you getting to meetings? Have you called someone in the program to talk it out? I really wondered what that would do for me while I was in the middle of my misery. Oh and that bit about working the step with a sponsor was not the answer I wanted to hear. I had no time for all of that. I didn't much believe anyone or a god could do for me what I didn't seem able to do for myself. I held the kind of belief that you have about a higher power. I was a skeptic about a hp helping me in this world because it seemed I was going through so much and there didn't seem to be much of a let up. I just kept trying new solutions for an old problem and looking for answers outside of myself. Even when I did go to meetings, I thought sooner or later someone will share my story and give a solution as to what they did about the problem. That really never happened. Thankfully, loneliness kept me coming back to the meetings. I spent a long time doing that and not working any steps. I went to step meetings and called it good. But ya know after awhile, I could see why people suggested going to meetings. All the while I thought they were "shoulding" on me with that suggestion, they were just carrying the message of how much better they felt after they'd gone.
My hp was somehow the collective wisdom, hugs, understanding that people showed me by spending time with me after the meeting to offer a hug, a kind word, encouragement that I could feel more serentity through the sense of community I might feel by continuing to gather with them for recovery. Through that I learned the meaning behind "I came, I came to, I came to believe.
All we can do as Alanons is try to offer support to our non recovering family members working our program. I know it's disappointing and worriesome to watch someone continue to drink but I hope you'll continue to take care of yourself, do things each day that nurture you and make you happy. I agree with you about continuing to go to the casino. Alcohol is everywhere and if going to the casino with him is something you enjoy, it's your right to continue to enjoy that. Your husband is an adult making his own decisions. It isn't like child proofing a house for a toddler who is dependent on adults to know how to protect them from harm.
Please take what you liked if anything and leave the rest. In support of you, TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Not sure where my earlier reply went...darn. Thank you all for responding. I have been to several meetings. Just can't seem to get a routine going. The timing isn't good. I need to learn how to trust in HP. I need to stop basing my emotions on other people's emotions. Need to stop catastrophising in my head. I find a lot of solace when I read here. Thanks for your wisdom and non judgement.
I can't easily comment here, I am new to this too. But I too am struggling with the higher power thing. At the moment I am relying (heavily) on this board for strength. I know it's not right but I do find the acknowledgement and replies helpful.
Dear ((((((((((A nother))))))))))))) it IS right if you are finding strength...I have struggled with the G-d thingy forever...I can't say I'm agnostic 100% because I know something beautiful made the universe and world, but is it involved in my life???? to me??? HELL no!!!!! i call me a child of the universe, and that part of the divine universe that lives within me because I am a part of it is what I rely on....but you can bet, this program is my sorta "go to" higher power...this program, the steps and slogans are my "go to" Higher Power.....you are very right to seek strength where ever and whenever you can find it as long as it is not harming you or another creature....I am glad U R here, getting your strength and your HP is whatever makes you feel positive, loving and healing towards yourself and to other creatures, human or animal...Here in this awesome programme we find a HP as we understand it....once at a meeting, I was the "chair" and I was welcoming the familiar and the not familiar faces...this BIG woman walks in and I mean she was 300# if she was a pound and she immediately gets in my face about "if you tell me I GOTTA believe in God, Iam walking out" I told her that her higher power is anything that creates love and positive energy and healing energy for her to share with others.....she looked around the room and there was this BIG, ugly, heavy based and just plain HEAVY metal chair that would hold up an elephant...she said to me "well if that chair can keep my fat ass from falling on the ground, I'll call IT my higher power for tonight" I laughed so hard, I just could not help it...I told her that chair was hers and "enjoy the meeting"...I loved it..She really got some good stuff out of that meet...she thanked me after and I said to her I was just a servant for tonight...the "thank you" should go to the precepts and principles on which this programme stands and I thanked her an everyone else for coming and sharing or just listening.........so please keep coming back....You are not alone...
If anyone has suggestions for self care - Book suggestions too if anyone has any. I have quite a few and do find them helpful but more is always welcome.
Hey Strangeworld...welcome and glad you showed up.....I am not a religious person, i don't support organized religion at all...I am sorta metaphysical, agnostic about any thing outside of me being involved in my life, my higher power is WITHIN me...it is in the form of love and compassion and peace and the precepts of this programme, really...When I deep breathe and get in touch with my body and my entire essence, I can feel my "higher self" putting its (no gender) loving white light around me.......my way of praying is to send love/healing energy to the one needing it..visualizing a white light around them, warming and comforting, protecting them.......book suggestions??? I cut my teeth on Beattie's 12 steps for Coda,but it is NOT conference approved...but my other sources of strength are conference approved from survival to recovery and hope for today, paths to recovery is good, courge to change is another good one.......at amazon.com you can get used for really cheap....my library is goodwill or other thrift shops or amazon, used books sellers who sell through Amazon....$4-5 and you got a great book that you will read all your life............HUGS of support
strangeworld - I am glad that you posted and shared...living with this disease is too much for most of us! You are not alone. One of many great reasons that meetings and fellowship are so often suggested is simply because it helps us know that we aren't alone - in what we live with, our thoughts, our fears, etc.
I was raised with organized religion and also had divorced myself completely. I struggled with the idea of needing 'God' to 'get recovery'. I was able to find some peace and comfort in relying on what others said - that I get to believe in any power greater than self understood and defined only by me. Some folks suggested the literature, others suggested the meetings, still others suggested Good Orderly Direction while others looked to nature and more!
What I came to discover is that I tend to over-think, over-analyze and over-process almost everything! Just practicing belief in a master plan, greater than what I knew, that applied to every person around helped me too. I struggled greatly with what I often called the disconnect between my head and my heart. I knew in my head that I shouldn't allow the actions, words, attitudes and emotions of others to direct or redirect mine, yet my heart was not 'there' with my head. As I began trying suggested things in recovery to slow my mind and bring peace to my heart, I did determine much of my anxiety and fear were based on projecting how it is is how it will be...when I was able to practice being present in this very moment and feeling and seeing I was upright and still OK, that helped me learn how relative One Day or One Moment at a time is.
Keep coming back and be gentle with you. This disease rocks up to our core yet healing and hope are within reach. You are not alone and we are all worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing- together, we can make a difference... 
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