The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ah is at the second wedding today. Whilst picking flowers in the garden my 7 year old paused and said, '' I hope daddy doesn't get drunk today, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does'. My heart stopped and there was a pause and then she said, ''but if he does I won't tell him off. He can't help it.' then she wandered back into the house.
Part of me is horrified that she is 7 and has a level of knowledge about ah that I don't want her to have. Part of me is pleased that she doesn't think it has anything to do with her.
For next time, what should I have said (as it was I said nothing at all!).
What an amazing little girl. She summed up Al-Anon in one sentence. If she says it again ... or you might bring it up to her later -- tell her she's absolutely right and you are proud of what a good attitude she has. Heck, I'm proud of her and I don't even know her.
What I came to understand as a family therapist was that the young in the family were often more intuitive that the elders and also use to read the body language of the elders to come to understanding themselves. They not only heard what we said they heard how we said it and could tell easily the difference between what was good and not so good. They learned what was acceptable and what was not and often took sides based upon their own values. For instance they shunned "punishing behaviors" and could turn that into justifications to take the alcoholic's side during contention. Not often did they understand the consequences of their side taking yet they could make choices based upon their value systems. Females are better than males at this from my experience and not always.
Your 7 year old seems to have found her values and is a benefit to listen to and support wisely. You can also share your own ESH with her without bashing the sick person.
I love this thread it reminds me of all the times I sat with the younger victims and learned more than when I open the doors to start the meetings. ((((hugs))))
((((hugs)))) What a precious angel you have been blessed with! You have that insight too, but (just my opinion here) I think as adults we have so many responsibilities that we get distracted from our most inner voice. Keep coming back!
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"People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore." ~
Thich Nhat Hanh
Hi. Thanks for the responses. David, I agree, it must seem quite unclear regarding whether he is a social drinker or not. I suppose, either way, I have an issue with his drinking. But I feel compelled to explain.
AH is a binge drinker. He will go to these social events and not know when to stop drinking. He isn't the type to get sick or fall asleep (like me). He simply goes on and on with it. He is a Jekyll and Hyde drinker. Wonderful when sober, horrible when drunk.
Over the past few months he has admitted to me that he has 'popped down the road' (to the pub) to watch football games he's not interested in because he sees it as an opportunity to have a drink. He got very drunk at home a few months ago because he felt that he had achieved something at work that he had been working hard on. Rather than celebrate in what I consider to be a normal way, he brought a bottle of wine home for us to share and then he also sneaked another bottle of wine in for himself. After I went to bed he drank the wine,and then started on some whiskey which I hadn't even realized we had in the house. He woke me up at 3am with load singing!
In June he went on a 2 day drinking binge by himself. As in, he didn't meet friends etc. Just went from pub to pub on his own. This isn't terribly unusual, except for the 2 day bit. The duration was extremely difficult for me. He came home with a horrible head injury but couldn't remember how he got it. After that I asked him not to drink anymore, and said that if he did I would end the marriage.
He was miserable not drinking. Begged and begged to be able to drink - to celebrate how well our daughters birthday party had gone, or because he missed our Friday night chats over wine (I only drink on a Friday night - share a bottle of wine with him and discuss the week). In the end, I agreed that i wouldn't leave him if he drank at his mothers birthday.
In those few sober weeks he excused himself from every social situation. Wouldn't go to the pub to watch his team, because he couldn't bring himself to order a coke rather than a pint.
I know we all have different understandings of the term 'drink problem', but for me all of these things indicate that he has a problem. He simply doesn't drink lie a normal person. I could go on and on about the things that have happened as a result of his drinking over the years. Either way, his drinking affects me. Even now, waiting for him to come home from this wedding I am in bits. Trying to focus on myself, but my body is letting me down (i get digestive problems with the stress). The 'what ifs' are there - he has to check out of the hotel at 11am, will he be sober enough to drive? what if he loses his licence? how will we pay the bills if he does (anyone losing their licence automatically loses their job at his workplace). Fear, fear, fear. I am powerless over all of these things.
A_Nother - just too darn intuitive! She sounds like a lovely gem and kudos that she's got her truth and content in it! Be proud and I have often said that I can learn so much by being around my grand-children and my dog. They all literally have a genuine joy constantly, live one moment/day at a time, and are so good at forgiveness and letting go. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi. Thanks for the responses. David, I agree, it must seem quite unclear regarding whether he is a social drinker or not. I suppose, either way, I have an issue with his drinking. But I feel compelled to explain.
AH is a binge drinker. He will go to these social events and not know when to stop drinking. He isn't the type to get sick or fall asleep (like me). He simply goes on and on with it. He is a Jekyll and Hyde drinker. Wonderful when sober, horrible when drunk.
Ah is at the second wedding today. Whilst picking flowers in the garden my 7 year old paused and said, '' I hope daddy doesn't get drunk today, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does'. My heart stopped and there was a pause and then she said, ''but if he does I won't tell him off. He can't help it.' then she wandered back into the house.
Part of me is horrified that she is 7 and has a level of knowledge about ah that I don't want her to have. Part of me is pleased that she doesn't think it has anything to do with her.
For next time, what should I have said (as it was I said nothing at all!).
Kids pick up on, understand, hear, see, feel, etc., more than we tend to give them credit for. They may not know the reality and reasons, but they too can sense the tone or temperature of the room so to speak.
As far as next time -- that is a perfect question to discuss and work through with your sponsor. No one here knows you anywhere close to that of your sponsor. Also, each parent is different, and each child is different. No one here knows you the parent, and certainly no one knows your child. That is a parent's call. Personally, I don't think anyone is qualified to answer that question, except your sponsor, and even at that, while I don't know him/her, even your sponsor may tread lightly. Certain decisions, certain responses, answers, whatever you want to call it -- are the kind of thing that only a parent and someone very close to the situation should have input on. There are many replies. Some will be better than others. You make the call as to which one(s) is/are best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
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