The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This afternoon we are going to a family function. Iām going with my AH and his mother and golden child sister are coming along. They gossip and just talk crap and really donāt stop talking. Itās always about people I donāt know and I think why would I want to know? Iām just struggling with setting boundaries for myself and how to tell them what I will accept and wonāt accept. I would be considered rude or āwhatās wrong with herā if I said anything. So I donāt I just shut up and listen. Weāve been having issues with my 16yr old daughter lately and thankfully have worked a few things out and sorted out our own dysfunctional family mess. We made the wrong move by telling the MIL. She always complains and whinges that we donāt tell her anything and that she is there to help. Help mind you is passing judgement and telling us what she would do and theyāve been through it all with not just one child but 4. Blah blah blah. Anyway the golden child will just talk about her golden children and they will only want updates from us so they can gossip later. Really struggling with how I should act today. Maybe a boundary I will set for myself will be I wonāt sit next to them at the dinner table. There are much nicer well adapted extended family going and we donāt see them much so I will aim to sit near them.
Oh wow... in Alanon we get to the chance- to talk and talk through... I try not to gossip- well, not malicious gossip... and I try not to judge.
I am the grandparent now- and so the boot is on the other foot. I used to isolate badly- my way of escaping any conflict. Now I have more confidence. Have I learned enough to get by? Well, I hope so.
LOVE your option you presented yourself for seating. :)
You can't control what they think or what they say, but you sure as heck can control whether you're sitting right in the middle of it or on the outskirts, instead, in friendlier territory. Way to go!
IWTM - my family is also made up of varying sorts....Recovery has taught me to 'hang with the winners' and that's the ones that don't gossip, judge, advise, etc. They just are more peaceful than the others who are always looking beyond themselves for fault, glory, kudos, etc. I don't do crazy or controlling. I'd rather watch a sporting event with the male family members than hang with the gossipy family members.
Amazingly, in my family, over the years, the nastiness has really, really diminished. I do believe as everyone ages, there's more acceptance and tolerance. We've lost a few members are various ages/stages and that really drives home how living in the present and being joyful is a much healthier way to be. There are those who are still crazy/controlling but less and less indulge them over time. There are a few eye-rolls (not me....) and departures to other spaces.
Do you, hang with the winners and just be present! You got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I wonāt sit next to them at the dinner table. There are much nicer well adapted extended family going and we donāt see them much so I will aim to sit near them.
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LOVE IT!!!!! Sooo simple and soooo cool........Go for it and have you some fun!!!!!!
Living in the present and being happy and joyous ,peaceful,
Has ,is becoming my most important things of each day or events ,
Keeping my sanity at all cost.
Love this share,
Thank you for sharing........Lu
