The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I worked today and had a run in with a co-worker, whom I usually get along nicely with....She got ugly with me and I "outed her" about it......I called her on it....I told her that her behaviour was NOT acceptable, rudeness and ugly are never acceptable..no matter what...insults and put downs I will NOT allow.....
My lesson in this is that I teach people how to treat me.....OR, in other words....what I permit??? I promote!!! I doubt she will pull that on me again, because she knows...I will not allow rudeness to me under any circumstances...And I rebuked her in a firm, but not ugly way..I kept the focus on the behaviour and that it was not acceptable and I would not stand for it....She ended up , after trying to rationalize it, (which I did not buy into, I just said no matter what..UGLY is never justified) so she finally apologized to me and I thanked her for apology and suggested that we move forward..I do my thing...She does hers and we focus on what is good for the company and set aside personal stuff.....
From here on in, I will go to work there and keep it nice but keep my distance...I work for the boss..Not her...She has "jabbed" me before and I let it slide because I got lazy about taking care of me..Its the truth!!! and lesson learned: I will not let any ugly directed at me "slide" again, by anyone, because the offender in most cases will re-offend....From now on, with anyone, I am going to address it programme style and not wait until ill will builds up and then I explode at the person...JUST saying!!!!
I agree Rose I do believe that prior to program i reacted in an angry negative manner which only made the situation w orse. Attending meetings and facing difficult situations at these meetings, i have learned to validate myself in a constructive manner with simple words that truly state my position. My motto there is "Act do not react"
Rose,
This was such a great share! Program looks SO good on you!
Thanks for posting how this works 'in all our affairs.'
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi, Rose, thanks for sharing, good topic and good ESH here. I am still not clear on where is the line between not taking things personally and establishing boundaries vs. trying to control the other person... I suppose if I state my side of the story once and nothing changes I have to make changes independently of what that other person is doing? Or is that too drastic? I don't know. I am grateful I don't deal with As or other crazy people (besides myself, hehe) often these days, but when I still was in contact with my ex-abf I sure didn't manage to make my needs heard, and truthfully I don't really understand which and how big part of that was my codependency (big, I'm sure), and which part was just on him. It all seems like a big mess I haven't sorted out yet, I guess. Now and again I wonder, could it have been possible to teach him how to treat me? I had let him walk all over me for years, I'm not surprised he's so sick in his attitude, but is every person in every situation "teachable" in this respect, I don't know. I have to teach myself first how to treat me, which I'm learning... And working on me is a lot easier now.
This is a very good lesson post Rose because it is very true and I learned the same growing up around my sponsors and the elders of the program. I was treated as I taught others to treat me. Thanks for the reminder. (((hugs)))
Sounds like you showed her you have respect for yourself and will stand up for if a situation calls for it. She may not change her behavior with others but she may think before speaking to you in that way again. Hopefully, anyway! (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hey Aline...VEEEERY good point here...."where is the line between not taking things personally and establishing boundaries vs. trying to control the other person"
for me: taking it personally is absorbing their negative thoughts about me, accepting their false beliefs about me as my truth when it is NOT MY truth.... their "working my inventory" or their "assessments" of me, like judging, etc., establishing boundaries is when someone flat out steps into MY space or onto MY rights to respect, etc....as to control??? its not trying to control someone when one demands courtesy, honesty and respect and they are willing to leave/distance themselves if those righteous requirements are not met...They have a choice with me....treat me with respect, or I am gone...so I'm not trying to control them, I am giving them notice..."This is what I will accept..this is what I will not accept..and if you can't deal with that, then we need to be apart or distant" That is just asserting my truth and finding out if the other and I are a match as to a friendship or whatever.....I think controlling someone is trying to make them live by my truth...or using a vulnerability of theirs to get my will/way with them....controlling them usually is by manipulation, blackmail, even, and /or using some unfair or dishonest means to "get my way" with them whether it hurts them or not.....Like if a person is living with an alcoholic..They either live with it and work their program and detach, living and letting live, OR they pack their stuff and they leave...nobody has the right, even tho it IS right, to TELL someone they cannot get drunk, even tho it is killing them...I have ASKED my brother to please get help and he refused..I dropped the issue..I just wish his friends would stop enabling him and "raise his bottom" so he HITS that bottom and gets help...his friends are contributing to his death...there again..I cannot control his friends...I told them ONE time, they are enabling him, hence contributing to his slow death and that they were not helping him, but doing him the gravest of injustices and harm by not allowing him to learn his lessons....Then I dropped it..They heard me the first time...and as of today, Bro has been missing over 2 weeks....He will eventually "burn out" and get sober enough to look up one of his buddies, get loans to catch up on bills, etc., work for a while and the same cycle will repeat...I have , with love, distanced myself from this painful situation...
I will never try to control another...IF they can't live a moral, honest, trustworthy life??? I don't try to control them, I just LEAVE or distance myself....its my right to put them in a circle farther away from my heart than those who have earned with consistent healthy behaviour a closer spot to my heart...that has nothing to do with control and everything to do with taking care of me......case in point
My Ex AH used to call me a stupid b***........I didn't take it personally because I considered the source in that he was as dumb as a box of rocks and had NO right to asses me and I considered that he was an ugly, mean, bad spirited alcoholic who contributed NOTHING to the world except negative....but the boundary??? If he did that, I would "shut him out" refuse to have any conversation with him...my boundary was "hey!! you call me a stupid bitch..that is wrong...I am not going to stand for it..and HERE is what I am gonna do if you persist..........................." and i listed the things, benefits he would NOT get if that behavior continued.........we were at a gathering and it was MY car, and we were visiting some folks and it was a bit of a drive.. I was driving and he called me a stupid bitch at the party.....I looked at him and said......."take the mirror away from your face when you talk to me" (I was not in program yet so i responded mean with mean.....I then got up..grabbed my purse and keys and I left him there....He had to bum a ride home and people were not all that interested in seeing him home, but someone did give him a lift...they smoked EXAH did not...so he had to put up with their smoking......Every time he called me a name, I cut him out in some way....I didn't care what he thought of me, just don't insult me and name call me....I won't stand for it....
Thats my explaination of of taking it personally which I did not, because I know I am NOT stupid, and a boundary defense....and a bit on control vs. taking care of me and my serenity............I hope this helped......
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 9th of August 2018 06:41:05 PM
Hey TT, its her choice to repeat or not..but when she slips, I am going to call her attention to it by "what did you mean by that remark??? can you explain to me why you feel that way????" put her on the hot seat....she will , if she has any brains, get sick of having to defend herself and quit, ONE can HOPE, LOL
oooooeeeee Betty, I was like a blast furnace because I would let it slide, let it slide, till I blew up.....and yea, made things worse, big time.....and I think "simple words that truly state my position" is the big difference between control and just taking care of me..........my mantra of late, as well...."Act--don't react" I'm working on that one......HUGS
Hey PosiesandPuppies....Talk about "programme looks SO good on you" your posts show tremendous growth ..I just love seeing you grow and doing so well......
hey ((((((((((((Jerry)))))))))))) your are welcome about the reminder...I always feel good when i share something that folks benefit from......my favorite saying to anyone I mentor/sponsor "what I permit, I am promoting" and it seems to "catch on" with them...like yea, If i let someone treat me like crap, I am supporting that ugly behaviour.......NOT!!!!!!! but I, too, had to learn from the elders in programme and by experience.........good to see you...Mahalo hoa....(I remember that from a college mate I was friends with..She was from Maui)
Hey, Rose, thanks for your share, it was helpful to read... I see a bit more clearly now that my immense problems with making my needs heard were in the fact that I really, really fear(ed) getting rejected / not accepted in any way by my exabf, so I didn't stick enough for myself. In many instances it would have had to involve me leaving at least temporarily, but I was unwilling to do that before Al-Alanon. I did it a couple of times when I needed space when already in the program and in the end I packed my things and left for the last time.
Well, I sure didn't find that golden middle ground where I could stay unrejected / approved of by him as well as have my needs met... So I was really fighting reality and abandoning myself, because I put such an incredible stock into what he thought of me...
I do still experience difficulties expressing my needs to others regularly, and I can see how its the same issue for me. As long as I am willing to make others' acceptance of me my first priority, I'm never going to teach anyone how to treat me because I'm trying to please others into liking me and that's like the opposite. The issue of control is ultimately then the issue of me trying to control others opinions of me...
Yeah, great thread, thanks, just to see myself more clearly. I also see that a big part of me still feels my ex-abf is this authority person... bah. Although I've not contacted him for a couple of months now. Well, it must help to bring this out in the open...
I hope your brother will be OK, Rose. Its good to hear how healthily you're taking this situation. (((Hugs)))
((((((((((((Aline)))))))))))) I used to abandon my needs/wants/boundaries because I feared rejection or perhaps even a nasty response from them, but the more I abandoned me to please/get acceptance from another, the more angry and resentful I got and it was a "layering" of my abandoning me for someone who did not deserve me and the piling up of anger, resentments....i had to stop this cycle or stay angry/resentful and also fearful of rejection...If a person rejects me for speaking my truth and my truth is just a healthy boundary or a healthy expression of a need, then so be it....the relationship would not work anyway because I would have to forsake myself to keep them...NOT gonna work...now that I am re-claiming myself, this old practicing of "please them at any cost---don't rock the boat" does not work for me anymore..I do the right thing by me and for me w/out ever harming another and let the chips fall where they may......to do otherwise would sabotage my 14 years of working my programme......and ya, "authority" figures often do not merit that position, LOL, but in our heads, they can.....keep working with us...You are approaching a higher level of recovery..I can see that by your last post here.....hang in there and keep working on you...you got YOU and your GOOD folks who really care about you and you got US here on the board...I know..it may be cyberspace, but souls can and do connect over the waves.....i prefer fac2fac and phone if there is distance problem, but still..I've gone to 99% of my meetings on-line and I have really benefited from this wonder programme....
