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Hi again. My husband has decided to plan ahead for a wedding he is attending next week and book himself into the hotel. I have a night away from him (I desperately want to move into my own place with the children so i am completely away from his chaos, but have agreed to wait 6 months so he can get used to the idea and we can both save up a bit).
Anyway, as I was supposed to be attending the wedding I have a babysitter booked. I could cancel and stay at home but suspect that will feel awful, and lonely. I don't habhmany friends, but I did have one over when husband went to the last wedding and it was great. She isn't free on Saturday though.
When you are alone for the night and you know your ah is drinking, what do you do to keep yourself focused on you?
-- Edited by A nother on Sunday 5th of August 2018 03:42:32 PM
I congratulate you on a decision to take care of your needs. Well done. The absolute best way I know of to shift the focus on to me, is to attend a face to face meeting. There was nothgfsging I could do about the other ones drinking, and equally so there was nothing I could do to stop my thoughts from obsessing about it. I could distract myself temporarily with shopping and housework, and those were neccesary distractions, but the actual shift in perspective came from the rooms. In hindsight, I think it was a "power to change the things I can" type of action. I felt like I was detaching from the whole dynamic by seeking out other ways of being and understanding. You don't have to share anything either unless you are comfortable. I found listening, just listening, to be what I needed on some nights. Well done again on making a healthy choice for yourself by not participating in the drama of the wedding.
Oh my.....for me, the list is endless! I would definitely go to a meeting and while there, ask if anyone wants to grab a bite to eat or a coke. I have always been able to find company if desired by asking at a meeting. I also love to read, so could take a book, go to a park and just sit and read. I love to walk, run, music, dance and would certainly eat a meal I don't get to have often! Get a manicure or pedicure - if $$ is an issue, do your own. I do facials, masks, hair masks, bubble baths and soaks and watch trashy movies/shows when I get alone time.
If you are a planner (I kind of am) and want to not be alone, get your phone list out and start calling others from the meetings. If you say who you are, what your situation is and ask for someone to go to a meeting, dinner and movie with, I suspect you'll get a yes in no time. I had to learn to set aside my fear and take risks to 'have fun' as I had forgotten how to do so!
If you've not yet been to a meeting, have your first share be about your decision to stay home from a wedding and you'd love companionship. In my group, there is never a lack of others who will step up and spend time with another - new or not - for no reason or an important reason. Step out of your comfort zone and just ask - I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
My favorite thing to do when I am home alone is to turn on the stereo to my preferred music and then have a beauty day....nails, mask, etc. - all those things I don't take time for normally. This past Wednesday, I spent 3-4 hours highlighting my own hair - with a cap - it was a challenge to pull hair thru that silly hat....but I did it, I love it and have gotten compliments. It took my AH 3+ days to realize my hair looked different and he thought I got it cut....this made me laugh as it's so him and has nothing to do with me. I am more blond than I've ever been before!
Sky is the limit - be free to just be...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I listen to the suggestions of the fellowship because each person has an experience I can draw from to help me make changes. From my family of origin I was the "Lone Ranger" keeping mostly to myself while not as comfortable in groups or crowds. I still am comfortable with self and can easily make decisions to doing and being other people, places or things. I can be a part of without many other parts. I learned in program how to treat myself with respect and compassion and those were good lessons. I have tools and projects and my culture to keep me nicely enjoying my life and I am friendly by practice so there are many many friends out there I have not met yet. ((((hugs))))
When you are alone for the night and you know your ah is drinking, what do you do to keep yourself focused on you?
What a great question!!! All of us can learn so much from question and a discussion like this. For me, this was only an issue in my early days, pre-alanon, and most of all pre-recovery. That speaks to the miracle -- what can happen when one embraces the alanon program and finds and lives a life of recovery.
My first obvious action is to go to a meeting, or two! LOL. I would then look to spend some time with program friends. There are two meetings I go to, religiously, That said, there's a catch phrase in alanon -- when I got busy I got better -- and it works. If I can't surround myself with a friend or friends then I get busy. Doesn't matter with what -- it could be going to a movie, a sporting event, something, or cleaning, doing laundry, folding laundry. Whatever I do, I do it with a laser precision focus, and I don't let anyone or anything distract me. It is a focus that is so focused, so intense, that whatever I am focusing on becomes a singular, myopic vision and task. It becomes a will, a drive, a quest for making sure I am so focused...and then...I am not thinking about the alcoholic being out drinking.
Now, for a beginner/newcomer, that can be hard. It can be difficult to do, perhaps not attainable. Why? Because it's not simply a task. To me, for me, it is part of a mindset, a methodology, an actual thought process -- and it is what alanon is all about. Sometimes, a beginner/newcomer has to do things, implement things, try things, etc., before they really understand and learn some of the fundamentals. Not thinking about the alcoholic being out drinking -- was easier, and ultimately became simple -- after I immersed myself and mastered acceptance. It was something I was able -- and happy -- to surrender to, and once that happened, I was able to let go. Once I let go, it was gone. I was fine. That's recovery.
I also view this as being detachment -- both physical and emotional. The latter being far more difficult for me. However, the emotional detachment also came after acceptance. For me, acceptance, was like that first of a thousand dominos lined up in succession -- the first domino to fall. Once I got acceptance -- BANG! Everything else fell into place. It's sometimes hard to do the damage control thing -- when you are in it so to speak -- when you are a beginner/newcomer. But, we learn, little by slowly. Progress, not perfection. And we make progress down the road of recovery. Remember, recovery is a journey, not a destination.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
When I had nights away from the A when we were still married, I would take the opportunity to get to meetings and participate in fellowship if it was offered afterward. I also took advantage of the quiet time to read my Al-Anon literature, pick up the phone and call my sponsor, pray, meditate, etc.
Finally, I'd also do something nice for me like get a manicure or pedicure. Maybe watch a good movie I knew my AH wouldn't have cared to see, eat a delicious meal, turn on music I enjoyed, etc. OR, because my AH constantly had to have noise going 24/7 (be it the television or the radio), I would actually just sit and enjoy the rare silence.
