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So, it's been a LONG two weeks between hormones, oldest going to hospital and youngest going to visit friends, my dad popping up from the dead is what a couple friends are saying, I am going through other stuff as well. I am just highly overwhelmed and yet ok too. Yesterday another what I call forest fire sprouted up. At this point it's becoming laughable .. or maybe I laugh because that's the only thing left to do. I cried so much last week my contacts dried out because my eyes did .. LOL.
The dad situation is weird .. I want to be open minded and even willing however I also know my Dad well enough to know he's a country boy with country religion, right/wrong, redemption/sinner .. which is soooo rich coming from him .. lol. I laid out appropriate boundaries as my dad is asking to have a relationship with the kids .. based upon his religious beliefs and where he was at I am highly protective of my kids. Neither of them need to hear anything negative coming from him. I am very proud of my phrasing of statements .. I sent a picture of the kids and basically said we were out having dinner and they are all about each other. I also followed with before reintroducing you to them there are some things we need to talk about that have nothing to do with their dad .. lol. I have concerns on both sides because we live in a home that doesn't have a punishing God. I also want to be respectful of your religious expression.
That's very between the lines when it comes to we are open minded .. we love and accept people where they are at .. and I will not allow someone to tell my kid/s they are going to hell because of (fill in the blank). I left it there and I left it on him to decide IF he wants to move forward. My experiences with my Dad in the past (which is all I have at this point) have not been positive. I mean I give him credit because he's trying and like I said to him before I am not interested in rehashing the past however I am not going to pretend that things did not happen. As a mother I didn't say this .. my first and primary concern is how this will affect my oldest mentally. They are free to choose what they want to do .. I don't want to blindside my Trump/Jeff Sessions supporting dad with by the way you have a trans grandchild if he's not prepared to accept him where he is at today. My view of Christianity is I do not find anywhere in the bible that states hate people .. I do find in the bible love your neighbor as yourself. The golden rule which is not in the bible states do unto others as you would have done to you. As much of a PITA as I can be with hanging on to stuff my self awareness states that doesn't make sense to say I'm a Christian and practice intolerance. Although I'm just as guilty of that as the next guy for specific situations. LOL .. this is a reminder to be to just be kind .. nothing more and nothing less.
I sent my youngest out of town hoping to have quality time with my honey which has not gone according to plan .. LOL .. best laid plans right? My oldest seems to have a sixth sense about when to have a melt down. Once again has learned .. hmm .. maybe mom isn't as dumb as I thought. After calling crying while I was at work 9am .. going on about his college life is over .. I left work and got myself together so I could deal with the crazy crap at college .. oldest and I spent 4 hours talking to other people after being told by oldest all is lost .. nope .. I don't accept no for an answer .. lol .. when I am in that mindset I am on a mission. That's not to say there's not little fires I'm dealing with at the moment .. that's saying that I am moving forward. That is saying that things are going ok. That's saying I did not get no for an answer. Hmm .. again .. the old dog has some tricks. We left out of there and to give you the short version of a very long stressful story .. the fires are not all out however there are irons on those fires to see what's next. One door closes another one will open. Right now the discussion is how do we keep him in school even if it means going ahead and having him stay home for a semester and do online courses .. which understand I would dislike that as kiddo needs to be outside of my hula hoop and not under it.
I'm just tired at the moment for good reason. Everything is ok .. everything is not ok .. and everything is just in wait mode. Soooo we'll see what happens next.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Huge hugs here from me, sister!!! You are going through a ton of crap right now!!
I just loved the way you have chosen to deal with your father. I think you stated your needs kindly and succinctly. I agree with you regarding your eldest and bringing fundamentalism/Christianity into their lives. Good for you for listening to your gut/instincts.
So sorry to hear that your "alone time" with SO didn't go as planned. Although I do read that you lead by example for your college-aged son that 'all is not lost.' By being persistent, resilient, and calm, one can find a way out of the situation (in most instances).
More will be revealed, right? LOL!
Hang in there, mama!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Well, two fires down and waiting on another 4 .. LOL .. when my son moved into summer housing for classes I just knew he got a scholarship that I thought we had to pay 350$ dollars for ok fine .. well I hear from my child .. oh don't worry that's for fall .. ok. I was under the impression that he was going to be able to pay that for fall. When we went through the move in debacle and my trans kid was not suppose to be housed with another cis guy (cis = identifies with the gender you are born with, there's a technical term I don't begin to understand and I'm not interested in knowing .. I know bad bad me). Noooo that's not happening soooo when this goes down there was no explanation that because of the fact the right room was not available and then this move happened and then they moved him to a single room .. that meant more money. So out comes my attorney talk .. now I never use law in my wording however it must be implied because my son was laughing at me saying ok .. you fully went into attorney mode .. I don't see that side of you often however your body language changes even. My response when talking yesterday to the multiple people was ok .. so you get an upgrade from 2nd class because they book up your flight .. how is that your issue that you get better accommodations because the airlines screwed up .. how is this not the same situation .. so it sounds like there are some options .. first is you have the ability to raise the grant or writing it off .. this is not an amount that will ever be collected as it's not a fair debt. It wasn't an option .. it was assigned through no fault of my sons.
Now back to the 350$ .. LOL .. the 350$ was suppose to be paid in June to secure a room in Aug for fall .. well .. I didn't know that I was only told the amount was due in Fall. So no current room .. my brain is exploding however it is what it is .. and I'm getting a fight not from administration from my kid .. who I'm again like .. it's not over until it's over .. LOL. It's not OVER. Sooooo .. LOL .. here we go again. Now .. I am able to say I haven't heard no .. you might have heard no however I have not .. LOL. Soooo .. there just happens to be another trans student same situation however THEY have a room and they have done the right thing however we are waiting to find out are the kids going to get along. The pride alliance is a fantastic resource and my kid is involved .. LOVE them .. Sooo .. thankfully already have an appointment get in there and laugh a lot. I love my kids counselor .. awesome .. so she's looking at getting everything waived for the room fee again .. so fingers are crossed and things are looking good for the roomie situation and ALL GOOD. LOVES. No word yet.
Kiddo is NOT out of the woods yet hopefully will be shortly.
Soooo we wait some more. I haven't heard back from my dad .. he may be in shock .. I have tried to be as gentle as I can and be as open without stating the plain truth which I don't know how he will react. I may not hear from him again .. I'm leaving it alone at this point. I think he gathers I am very guarded .. I think even he is realizing that 11 years is a LONG time .. and he's realizing I'm not angry .. I am wary. Although I don't know and why I want to keep everything to text at this point. Even with the typo's .. it's better that way for me because I have time to think about my response .. and I want very much to be kind .. not angry.
Soooo .. wait wait wait .. I keep telling my kid .. hold on we are not done yet .. and hold on because I haven't heard no from anyone at this point.
:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I too am sending you tons of positive energy, thoughts and prayers....I've been saying this a ton lately - you got this! I think it's because I am spending time (MIP and here) with quality-minded, healthy, strong women and I believe it to the depth of my soul.
So - sister, you got this! You're doing you, recovery, parenting, daughtering, relationship, work, more, more, more and ... you got this!! Just keep doing you one day at a time - looks grand on you!
I have also had to set boundaries with my parents and my boys as far as religion, politics, and a few other subjects. As family knows where buttons are installed, and we have a few instigators and pot-stirrers, it's just more peaceful when some topics are left outside my home/family. I readily admit my parents do not understand this disease and think it's a choice. In spite of all that I went through before I got sober, and what they endured, they are still neck deep in denial. There has been some passive/aggressive comments about my sons, and this momma bear came back with verbal force and extreme directness. Thank God for my recovery or I would have 86'd them to the curb and I am grateful I did not.
The way I view my circle - I've had enough insanity and drama to last a lifetime. I go to great lengths today to keep my sanity and avoid it. We all have enough of unexpected 'life' that challenges us daily and I just don't do other people's any longer --- including family...I can unconditionally love others from across the street - great gift of recovery!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am over the ups and downs at the moment, .. I told kiddo we are taking a break .. waiting for some phone calls however we are talking an amount I can't handle .. period. The unfortunate part is he's not willing to see outside of the all or nothing mode. The one thing I have been super clear about is you HAVE to call your dad .. not text and talk about tuition and talk numbers that are BIG at the moment. If you can get him to pay 1/3 of things we can figure out the other 2/3 however I can't do 100%. I have said this over and over and over again .. I am still recovering financially from my XAH's hoopla ... and I can't support two households I have explained it over and over again. It really boils down to if he hadn't choked the first semester none of this would be happening now. While you can't put spilt milk back in the bottle .. when I say I don't have it .. I do not have it. If I had that kind of money believe me I wouldn't mind paying for tuition and whatever .. I do not.
I haven't heard from my dad and I did laugh .. he's completely focused on the fact that my mom doesn't remember two people who said hi to her through him .. seriously this is my dad .. because it involved him EVERYONE should remember. It's the whole friend thing on facebook .. who wouldn't want to friend him? Umm .. mom .. me .. your grandson and so on .. LOL .. we think you are an odd duck which is fine .. however 11 years back from the dead .. umm .. ok. So this actually tells me nothing has changed .. I do think there has been a shift however he's still all about him. I think I hit a nerve with the posting the kids picture and setting boundaries .. of before that happens .. we really need to talk. I think that is extremely fair and again it will be up to them what they want to do .. my youngest doesn't have facebook .. LMAO .. which my XAH insists he does. Ok .. whatever.
Anyway ... all good and it's whatever. Every single semester we have gone through the stress of housing, job (lack of), and mental/emotional health .. I honestly can't do this anymore .. I'm kind of done. I can't keep finding the solution without some other input and concessions.
Soooo .. we'll see.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hang in there -- you're doing a great job! You are so keeping your head where your feet are, and that's amazing. I dealt with similar situations when my daughter was in school. I had been apart from her mother for years, and school rolls around, so I was the one taking her to see/visit schools, attend open houses, go to college fairs, and yes, financial aid seminars and sessions. She gets accepted and it's time to enroll...and where is her mom? She's busy, can't help (time-wise she said), and when it was time to have a discussion about money -- her mother basically told me she had no money and could not pay anything, but, told her daughter she would contribute and pay what she could afford every month, but that, her dad, me, "was going to take care of it" and she'd pay me based upon the payment plan.
OK, sounds good. Her mother paid for some books, a deposit for housing, and some other fee. Tuition, room/board, and all other major expenses...I was given the bill. Year 3, yes, year 3, her mother came into some money. She said she had $2500 for me. A few days later, she said the electricity was being turned off, and the cell phones were being disconnected, so she could only give me $2000. A few days later she had to pay car insurance, and court fees/probation for her other child, so she could only give me $1500. I asked for the $1500, just because I knew the # would go to zero very quickly, LOL. She gave me $1500. That's it. My daughter is now done with year 5 -- a five year Masters program. All done. $160,000 later...and I feel so much pride that my daughter showed up, gave 100%, and graduated with a 4.0!!! I am the luckiest guy in the world. No anger, no resentment. I am "disappointed" and sometimes I get a bit angry that there was no "thank you" from the mother, but I didn't do it for that. I guess I should never be disappointed, LOL.
That said, keep doing what you are doing...keep working...keep moving forward. It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it...and thank you for posting. You are an inspiration!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Serenity))) - I believe you are perfectly correct to take a break and be done. When we had to explain to both of our kids that their college funds were used for the many (12+) trips to rehab, they both thought WE were crazy. In spite of their age/stage (then 18 and 20 and now 24 and 26), I do believe that my children see us as a endless revenue stream. What was most amazing is when I would suggest grants, loans, scholarships, research, etc. they instead played video games, and did 'other'. Yet, when my oldest got serious, he figured it all out on his own. He did get grants and other help based on submitting/applying. He also has student loans that are in his name only as we were unwilling to put our name on the dotted line. He's a start/stop kid - get's all gun-ho about something, throws himself into it, and often looses interest and walks away.
So - we are proud and thrilled that he did finish his schooling. He's proud and thrilled to have his first professional job, making bank and mostly proud that 'he did it all on his own'. He will tell anyone willing to listen that we were no help at all...which used to annoy me and now I just smile. It's not my story, it's his and if that's how he wants to tell it and believe it, that's OK today.
So - as you know - just keep doing you. Keep suggesting and letting go. Show your oldest what adulting is all about. What I learned from mine is that they actually were listening and were very capable young people when they were forced to fend for themselves. They are both supporting themselves and doing life on life's terms. Is it different than I wanted? Yes. Is it different than I hoped? Yes. Yet, I have to be reminded that God doesn't have grandchildren and if they feel successful, then they are. (((Hugs))) - I am still wishing there was an instruction book for raising kids!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are doing just as you should be! At some point, the kid has to become the adult. Due to mismanagement of himself, this is coming sooner rather than later. You've tried to show him that you shouldn't "throw in the towel" but you also can't do it all for him. You clearly stated he has to ask his father for some financial help... it can't come from you.
Pause, take care of you.
((((Serenity))))
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Oh girl, I hear you. My son was doing all the financial aid applications and we had to transfer his grant money to another school and go through the whole process all over again at his new school of choice. We got it done too late so he had to pay tuition up front. I told him that I didn't have the money to spare without putting me in a serious financial bind. I told him to ask his dad. He didn't want to do it. I gave him no choice in the matter. Either you come up with the money yourself or you ask your dad. He'll get refunded by the school once the grant money comes in, etc.
Anyway, my boy had to put his bigger boy pants on and talk to his father. Which, he did, and my XAH did actually pay. Surprises and miracles do occur.
I feel the same as you. just done with all the college kid stuff. I am adjusting to having him live at home again right now but it's such a small space, ugh. Thankful that I work out of the home and keep myself busy with activities and such. It's like living with another adult, but then it's NOT.
Hugs to you! I totally get where you are coming from. I hope it all works out. Praying for the best possible solution for you and for your kiddo! HUGS!!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
