The material presented
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My husband is taking Antabuse to stop him from drinking Vodka.
Were on day 8 and going well with the alcohol.
Though I suspect he is only managing to not drink because he is buying (his other problem) drugs - cocaine specifically.
He has been very affectionate the last few nights and thought it was down to us getting on better with the few changes - Iv been to an Al anon meeting and started to self reflect on how I can change and recover for myself and to not be obsessed about what he is doing (i.e - where he is hiding his alcohol, how much he is drinking, pouring away bottles, sabotaging his attempts to go out and buy) so my behaviour has changed slightly and Iv been less uptight as he is not drinking so he has noticed I am more relaxed.
So we've had a few lovely evenings and been nice to sit together and actually chat and cuddle. However, there has been a few occasions when I have thought I wonder if he on something.
This evening we kissed a few times and then he said he was tired and so went to bed and if I wanted to join him. I would have followed briefly after - however, I then got a distinct feeling of numbness on my tongue and teeth and realised he had had cocaine. I felt so dismayed and disappointed.
As I am trying to focus on me, for my own sanity and my kids sake. how do I react or not react to this.
The truth is I know he has had some.
I know he lies to me
I know he hides it
I know he spends way too much money on it.
So nothing I say or do will make him stop or change his behaviour as I am in the role of the provoker.
I remember when my A swore he was going to AA and stopping drinking. He would slur his words just the tiniest bit. It was so confusing to me. Finally I figured out that he was abusing the anxiety meds he had persuaded his doctor to give him. The moment I realized that was a terrible moment. I remember the devastation, confusion, pain, anger, and fear so clearly, it's like it was yesterday.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'you are in the role of the provoker.' Remember that we can't make them do it any more than we can stop them doing it.
I hope you'll get lots of support - do you have a meeting? There are ways to live with serenity even though our important person has disappointed us so severely. We've got your back and there's a chair here for you. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Welcome to MIP Leanne - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. Alcoholism and Addiction are progressive diseases and it's common for addictive personality types to 'cross-polinate' or replace one addiction for another. I am glad to hear you've found Al-Anon and hope that you embrace recovery. While we are powerless over what they do/don't do, we can learn to detach from the disease and person and also establish boundaries to protect self.
I also remember being close to where you are. There is a part of you that wants to explain what is known, how it makes you feel, etc. What I had to learn was I was trying to have a rational discussion with an irrational person. No words I could pour out at that moment or any moment would change anything in the other person. I was very grateful for the phone lists I picked up at my first couple of meetings - I would call others to talk it out and be heard.
There are no easy answers and my go-to is the pause long enough to pray. I didn't arrive being a super godly gal but have become very spiritual as I do believe a power greater than I has restored me to sanity. In my own case, I did have to learn to focus on what was improving instead of what was still so very broken. That carried me through some difficult and dark moments until I learned how to do boundaries and detach with love.
Please keep coming back and know there is hope and help in recovery. You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I feel sad with you Leanne especially to that part where you experience the effects of the chemical against your will. Did you tell him what you felt? It won't hurt and he gets to know some stuff he doesn't realize. I don't like "using" against my will. You might want to take the issue up with a doctor and get his experience so you can pass it on to your alcoholic/addict. Sad that happened to you and also to him without his awareness also. Our disease is a progressive one...always gets worse never better unless arrested by total abstinence. Keep coming back and letting us know how your are doing and sharing your growth also. ((((Hugs))))
