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Post Info TOPIC: Problem child update


Veteran Member

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Problem child update


Well, I got my daughter out of the dangerous inner city/hood location where she was homeless so I guess that is the only good part to this update.

I got her an Airbnb for the night before she could take the train out of town. The Airbnb agreed to a third party reservation but BOY were they mad after daughter stayed there! They said there was a reservation for only ONE person but two guys were also there and there was to be no drinking and the back entrance/exit to the unit was not supposed to be used. Also, they said she didn't clean up after herself. I talked them out of an additional $50 cleaning fee or reporting me to get my account deleted. Daughter denied all their claims (of course). 

Next issue, I sent an uber to her at the time we agreed on and for which she said she would set her alarm. Her alarm didn't go off so I got a "no show" fee for that uber. I was afraid she would miss her train that I had paid for in advance but she called in the nick of time and I paid for another uber fee and she got on the train.

She got into town about 9pm, I picked her up and drove back to my place. Got here at 10pm so difficult to have issues that night.

Next day, she said she was going to have a friend pick her up and spend the night there (paranoid schizophrenic on disability), which she did. He dropped her back off the next morning and she was so high I could hardly see her pupils...she couldn't keep her eyes open. I got mad at her and she stomped off into my neighborhood. Pretty soon, I get a call from the police. She tried to enter a neighbor's residence that she thought was mine. They returned her to me.

I called mobile crisis unit in the county to help us deal with her issues and to deescalate. They would have come to my house, sign her up for Medicaid and detox her, get her mental health help outpatient or inpatient. She refused services. Great. So they wouldn''t come.

She says she is going to sign up for a social website in the area to meet new friends. Great. So she says she is going to my neighborhood pool. She meets a guy. Within 10 minutes of meeting him (she could have already talked to him via internet) she picked up her stuff to "go to his house for weed and stuff and you know". That was a couple of days ago and I haven't heard from her since.

Like I said...at least she is in a safer place. Her health is not good. Her hair is thin, she has a bald spot, she has "body pains" she says. Her legs are scarred from falling and bed bugs, she says. She is no longer my baby and almost 30 years old now. I feel better that I got her to a safer place (I know I keep saying that but it's what I am holding onto). I am less stressed just knowing that. I tried to make a "to do" list of goals including employment. All she wanted to do is sell her plasma.

I will never understand wanting to live like this. I don't know if she just doesn't believe in herself anymore or finds the issues insurmountable (no job history, no successes in life, substance abuse and mental health issues.) 

I feel better. I truly do. But I am honestly getting too old to handle this crazy stuff any longer. It takes such a physical toll.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh god love you. This sounds like my worst nightmare. When it's our adult children it's awful because we have this tape play in in our heads that we are mothers therefore we should have a set if powers to look after our children, protect them, save them. We mothers should have that power. Well we mothers are just human with flaws and lifes all of our own to manage. Alcoholism is too powerful and runs rings round a mothers love. Well the stereotypical mothers love or normal mothers love. It's that type of love parents of alcoholics can't afford to believe in because it enables this disease to flourish and grow unfortunately. I recommend alanon meetings as soon as you possibly can. Read detachment leaflet and freedom from despair leaflet. Talk to others who have walked your shoes. You can't bear this. You can't save her sadly and each helping hand you give often makes it worse. Its truly heartbroken and my heart goes out to you and your daughter.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I too am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. 'The life' takes a toll on them and watching an adult child self-destruct in front of your eyes is the most difficult event I've witnessed so far. It does sound to me as if she's just not hit her bottom and while the life she's living is impossible to understand, it's where she is. I had to be reminded that as long as their is breath, there is hope. I hope you get the time to take good care of you - you are so right....it's exhausting!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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((RachelsMom)) sending positive thought and prayers on the way for you and you family. it is so hard when a child is affected by this dreadful disease

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Oh what a nightmare...the most difficult thing: letting a child to her own devices and completely detaching to take care of you and let the chips fall where they may....Sometimes we just have to completely let go...and even stop contact so they can hit bottom and be forced to reach out for help...She isn't at her bottom yet and will continue to keep dragging you down with her drama and problems....I am so so sorry that this is happening to you.....I've been where you are at and I had to tell mine..."I love you, but I'm going to accept my powerlessness over you and give you over to your maker....WHEN IF you reach out..get help...get into program...THEN I will support/encourage you" I saw myself circling the drain with her and I decided to back off...step back....let her reap what she is sowing...let her pay consequence....she ended up doing a year and a couple of months in jail....best thing that could have happened....she realized that she was killing herself (meth/cocaine) and she got into program they had at the jail......she has AGAIN kicked me to the curb because she is not working her program, wants everything her way, SOBER for which I am thankful, but shes different...if things don't go her way, she will kick me to the curb...I set boundaries..take care of me...I don't enable her in anyway and she has decided to "punish" me by not returning my messages or calls....so be it....as long as she is sober, I can be glad for that....as to her kicking me to the curb because I won't be her little CoDa give give give and do do do till I am exhausted and depleted, I am not that person anymore....relationship has to be equal, healthy, mutual, boundary respecting, etc., or she can kick me to curb.....I'm not tired and drained out by her anymore....she knows where I am....IF she wants to be a daughter instead of a user, she knows where I am..meantime, I am doing life without her , I've got the younger one, shes working her program and it shows......I decided that I am gonna be with the people who love me back in a healthy and positive way......letting go and backing off was hard for me, but essential for my mental, emotional health.........it took years of program for me to come to this place that I've done my job with her...i've raised her, trained her, shared with her MY screwups so she hopefully would not repeat...I did the best I could with the tools that I had and yea, i've made mistakes, but I KNOW I was a loving and good parent....She wants me out of her life???? OK...yea, I cried and grieved over it, but I am OK now...I am going on with my life.....she hasn't worked program in a while and I am powerless over that......If, God forbid, she relapses, I will let her reap what she sows...I will stay out of it....I send her prayers all the time....thats all i can do....she is her own captain of her own ship....its up to her , how she lives her life.....I don't try to email or text or call anymore.....She does not want me....I have come to the place of acceptance and I'm sad, disappointed, but I am OK and WILL be OK because I am taking care of me and doing the next right thing by me......

i hope this post made sense...i just got up.....we moms just have to come to the place where we, working the steps 1,2,3, REALLY realize that we are 10000% powerless over another and yes, love them, but do it with our HANDS OFF....they only hope is to let them really hit bottom and MAYBE they will decide to get help......

my A brother is missing again....I am powerless....his creator is not......i hand him over to his maker and I do my life as I send up prayers for him too, AND my youngest bro who is street drug addict....I cannot help them...and I will not enable them.....I have to let what will be, be and keep my hands off.....love...encouragement....thats it....

sending you hugs and LOADS of support....I've been in your position all too many times with AD and 2 A brothers.....I can't and won't let them suck my energy out of me....

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



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I am so sorry for your pain (all of you who posted). It is truly the worst thing in the world to love someone who seems to only want to hurt themselves. Mamalioness- I love reading your posts. You are so real. I love you even if your daughter can't!!!

Let's love each other!!! I try to tell myself that it could be worse...I could maybe live in a country that doesn't have clean water to drink or live in a country where my husband would be allowed to kill me if I burned the rice. Or live in a war torn country and watch my children be injured and starved or worse. But this love for a child who doesn't love himself/herself is extremely difficult for the heart.

I am powerless. I have nothing left to give to her. She is in your hands God.

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~*Service Worker*~

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It's so hard watching someone we love fall victim to this disease.

I attended a fundraiser picnic for a local Al-Anon group and they had two guest speakers who were from, i believe, NA. It was a mother and her daughter. Both had become addicted to heroine. The mother had entered recovery a few years before her daughter.

When I heard the mother speak about watching her daughter struggle with the disease, she gave me such hope when she continually reminded herself that she was powerless over her daughter's disease. She said each time her daughter would call her for favors, she would just tell her "I love you, but I will not do that for you. Just let me know when you're ready for recovery." That was her automatic response to her daughter each time. And she had to get comfortable knowing that her daughter's bottom could be her death.

I'm reminded by something another dual member shared at a different meeting a long time ago. She was struggling with wanting to take care of her daughter who was also caught in the disease, and she said her sponsor told her "Cathy, God has no grandchildren."

It was a reminder that God's got this handled. It may not be what we envisioned ourselves or under our timeframes, but God has perfect timing and we need to step out of God's way to let God get bigger in the addict's world. We have to stop trying to fill in for the addict's Higher Power. And it in turn also becomes an opportunity for us to let God get bigger in OUR worlds, too.

I had to do the same with my own stepdaughter. She got addicted to heroine, too. And boy did I ever want to swoop in and rescue. God blessed me with having enough detachment from her that it was easier for me to say "no" than it was for her biological mother. By some miracle, however, my stepdaughter had decided she'd had enough and sought treatment. But she had to do it several times. Something finally stuck with her in her last treatment, and I'm grateful to know she's clean from heroine, at least. But I do see occasional posts on her Facebook about her drinking, so I'm not totally sure she's completely out of the woods just yet. But again, I have to trust that God has beautiful plans for her and he's going to take care of her - NO MATTER WHAT. And YES, this means even if that means she gets taken from this world. God will STILL take care of her. I just have to make sure I don't get in God's way.

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 hey (((((((((((((RachelsMom)))))))))))))),  awwww what a sweet thing to say to me...You really touched my heart....I wish I could just take you and me for a nice long walk and I would just LISTEN to you , validate you, encourage you to keep on keepin on.....what a beautiful attitude about you're saying "lets' love each other"   AMEN Sista!!!! and yes,..things could be REALLY worse, like you said, we could be deprived of clean water, bombs going off over our heads...and yea, burn the rice and get beaten or stoned....oh yea, things could certainly be worse....I feel for you!! I truly feel what you are going through,

but I PROMISE you...work this program as suggested and I PROMISE that you WILL get better with your thinking/feeling...the situation/circumstances may not get better, but YOU will get better within..in your heart...in your priorities....it will become a good habit, taking care of yourself, keeping the focus on you and , yes, with grief, but with peace as well, you will be ABLE to let go and do it in your heart....I will always love my daughters and I sorta had to make amends to the one who DOESN'T pain me out in that I had to tell her that I was , for a while, till program kicked in, paying more attention to the one who is on and off again re: loving me that I was kinda not abandoning, but not paying as much attention to the daughter who gives me JOY!!! SO i had to apologize to her and tell her that when SHE (she is in program too) sees me putting too much energy into older one, SAY something to me, if I don't see it....I emailed and texted her not REAL over kill, but I did over do it somewhat to someone who wants not to talk to me....but the good news is that I caught it AND saw what I was doing or not doing , rather, to my younger one and I had a chat with her...I brought it up to her and said "hey I owe you an amend"  and I told her what I did, took responsibility for it, said I was gonna be really mindful in that area and LET GO  LET GO  BACK OFF BACK OFF ..Younger daughter is such a sweetheart and I told her she was my little star and how sorry I was that I was dissing her just  a bit, trying to get older one to communicate with me....Now its been a good couple of months since last email and I find it easier and easier to let go...hurts, but it is easier.....

Program won't erase the crap storms of life, but program will show us how to better navigate through those crap storms so we don't get mired down in the muck...that we CAN get through it and get back our peace.....We CAN find contentment within us...no matter what is going on outside, if we reeeeeely keep the focus on us and doing the next RIGHT thing, we CAN be at peace...our minds cannot entertain two things....if we are focusing on ourselves and healthy self care, deep breathing, loving and positive self talk and meditating about love and peace for all creatures and doing the next right thing by us and for us , we cannot suffer from intrusive , codependent thoughts of others and what they are doing............

 

I hope this made sense...........I am so hungry, i could eat a grizzly bear ---- WHILE it is ALIVE......see you later....



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

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There are great replys here so very wise. thanks for bringing it here. I'm going to remember this one.

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Mamalioness-I hope your grizzly bear was tasty!

I went to an individual counseling session yesterday. I also am going to start back on my antidepressant and start picking up my heart medication at the pharmacy. Can you believe I'm not taking my heart meds? What is wrong with me???? I am neglecting me and I have t0 stop. Mamalioness, you had a good point about not ignoring the daughter who is doing what she is supposed to do, revel in the joy of a healthy daughter! My youngest has been in the shadow of the troubled one most of her life. She is playing by the rules of society and excelling, yay!!!

I have to let the oldest to her own devices. She really sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle...she just needs MONEY.

Thanks to all of you, El-cee, hotrod, Iamhere and Aloha!! I hope you have a marvelous day and great weekend. I am looking forward to my favorite season-Fall!!!


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~*Service Worker*~

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RachelsMom wrote:

Mamalioness-I hope your grizzly bear was tasty!

I have to let the oldest to her own devices. She really sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle...she just needs MONEY.


 Bear was tough, but after some tenderizing with a sledgehammer he was good biggrinbiggrin  and NOW you're talking like an al-anoner who is working her program...Time to take care of you and you see it!!!  yaaaay for you!!!! and yep, leaving the oldest to her own devices just might be the thing that , sadly, forces her to hit bottom and then, hopefully reach out for help...I will help any loved one who wants to help themselves, but if they don't??? I let go...detach with love and let them learn the hard way...Sad, but some folks just don't learn till life smacks them down so hard, they bounce off the pavement...I'm waiting for my brother to get sick and tired of his life, but his best buddy keeps enabling him, giving him $$ when he needs it, helps him out of lifes lessons and all he is doing is robbing my brother of the lessons he needs to learn to maybe save his life...I cannot get his friend "C" to see that..He just cannot see that..I love "C"  Grew up with him..Hes a wonderful guy, but he is killing my brother by enabling him ...I'm powerless...HP/Universe is not...I have to let go and keep letting to because it is hard...As to the oldest daughter??? I gave her to her Creator as well...My younger one had a horrid tooth extraction yesterday, called me today and told me all about her awful extraction that turned into surgery because the tooth broke and they had to "dig" the pieces out of her gum...I listened and let her tell me her pain and how she wished that her mama was with her...It broke my heart to hear her share her experience with me...She is my little sunshine and by golly, I am gonna let the problem one to HER devices and focus on this little gem who is such a good girl!!!!  So I'm here...PM me if you want to chat.....I am on your side, supporting you and cheering you on...You can do this...Just remember what I said about my brother's and my dear friend "C" who enables my brother...He literally could be killing him, unintentionally, of course, but the longer he prevents his buddy from falling flat on his drunk ass and facing the consequences of what drinking is doing to him, the more damage he does..enabling is the WORST thing we can do for our addict loved ones..OR, like my oldest..quitting her program  "she doesn't need it or me" because she is "doing so good" now, so I'm letting her go with love, but nonetheless....letting go...let her reap what she is sowing.....when we enable, clean up their messes, let them run the roost., jump when they want us to jump,  do stuff that is their responsibility to do, coddle them because we fear their anger or rejection, etc., when we do that, we are robbing them of the lessons Creator has for them to help them get back within the guard rails of sanity....the greatest blessing we can give is to LET GO   DETACH   do NOT do what is their responsibility to do......simple, but OH so hard when you love the person....it took years in recovery for me to get to that place where I can just say  "OK..no more contact unless/until you reach out for help..get into program..SHOW me you want to help yourself"  oh yea, hard but it could be the only chance to save them---by taking OUR hands off..................sending you big hugs of support



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Rose:

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Good morning everyone!

I don't work tonight and maybe not even the weekend, that is so rare. I'm doing my chores-paying bills, washing clothes, etc.

I have a question that I'm sure is heard often. When an addict says, "Why do I have to trade one substance for another? Why is it acceptable to take pills (antidepressants, antipsychotics) to handle anxiety and mood disorders, etc and not drink use weed or other illegal substances? Why is one legal and the other ILlegal?"


These are my daughter's continual rationalizing why it's ok to keep doing what she is doing, I know, but if I ever have the chance to answer that again, what do I say? That's like gettting into an argument with someone about religion...I'm not going to try to get someone to believe in my faith when they are just rationalizing their activities/lifestyle. My short answer for her (and it needs to be short) is that your use of substances results in a dangerous lifestyle, unstable lifestyle. Its ironic that she wants to use MY money that I made living a lifestyle that she rejects. How does that even make sense???











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~*Service Worker*~

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I've found at times in my illness that I always want to have an answer supplied. Of course where the alcoholic/addict was concerned, I wanted to supply THE right answer. You know... the magical one that would suddenly get them to stop drinking/using.

A simple "I don't know." puts the question back in their lap and they get to seek their answers elsewhere. All I do know is that that sort of questioning is really just a seeking for an excuse to keep using, and because I'm unwilling to participate in it, I do what I can to remove myself from the discussion.

I have to keep my serenity at the top of my priorities, and that means not having to be the one who has all the answers all the time.

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That's excellent advice, Aloha!!! I don't know why this didn't occur to me. I guess because of the codependent relationships I find myself in, I'm the "problem solver" only I don't want to BE the problem solver for someone else anymore!!! So it is a whole new set of thinking skills I have to develop and BOY is it hard!!!

 

Someone could look at me (and I'm sure they have) and say, "Why does she keep getting divorced?" HAHA The codependent/addict relationship is one that BOTH people need to get out of and it's just as difficult for the codependent as it is the addict to change the lifestyle. I've been married THREE freaking times to alcoholics and I swear I didn't see the signs prior to marriage. It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.confuse



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We are all works in progress, RachelsMom. I'm so glad you're here. :)

PS - Have you been getting to face-to-face meetings? I hope you find some. This message board is great - the meetings are even better, if you can believe it.

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Dang RachelsMom...you tore that page right out of my own diary and now we are at the place where life changes.  I stopped pushing people away from me who  knew better and understood more clearly about this thing called alcoholism and drug addiction.  I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know,  which for me wasn't just a cute, trick explanation.  I DIDN'T KNOW!! period and at one time was bad at faking that I did.  

I've hung around the coat tails of elders all my life because they were so smart and strong and I learned from them yet didn't practice what they did until I found and got a Al-Anon sponsor who wouldn't pay attention until I put out the effort to doing what I was learning.  "This is a do program Jerry F", he would say and he was right...nothing changes if nothing changes.   Rock Science!!  

Why did I keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results?  It's all I had learned how to do until I stopped doing it and did something better/different.

MIP is part of my learning and doing something different..Mahalo Akua...Thank you Higher Power.  smile  ((((hugs))))



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Jerry F


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No, Aloha, I have not started face to face meetings.

JerryF, true...you don't know what you don't know. That's a complicated place to be because it involves introspection. It means you have to be open to criticism even if it is only of yourself. Why is my life this way and what role do I play in it? So many people were not even taught how to do this type of introspection so it's doubly difficult.

One thing my daughter said to me over that 48 hr period of time was that her rehab I paid for (and am still paying for) was "brainwashing that she believed for awhile when I got out." But but but...that was her most production time period ever so far in her life!

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RachelsMom - I share only my ESH....my 2nd born son went down a much deeper hole than I did or than my other son did....his bottom was almost unbelievable considering the boy I had known since birth and loved since before then. He has been through at least 6 rehabs (I lost count) and also some Mental Health treatment/holds. At one point, he said almost the exact same thing to me - "AA/NA is a cult for weak minded people that can't handle their sh**." He said this to me while in an extreme state of intoxication, while nodding off at my kitchen counter.

I am so grateful this event happened after I was in Al-Anon. My best response at the time was no response. I did not acknowledge, argue, defend - I said nothing. What I did do was pray for him to find his way and did that multiple times each day every day. Almost 3 years later, after another significant life event, he asked for help getting sober. It all happened in God's time vs. mine and he's relapsed since but I have seen more miracles in recovery than before and chose to believe that there is always hope and miracles to happen.

All I know is that when I am feeling super sad, super mad or extremely fearful for them and their life, the only action I know to take is to pause and pray. I pray for God's will in their life and for God to relieve me from the burden of obsessing about them. Not always easy but always brings peace to my heart and mind. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Iamhere

I pray also. Every time I start to think, "where is she now, what is she doing" I stop and pray and then I let it go. It kinda works like "thought stopping" in your head. The thought comes and when you realize you are thinking/obsessing/getting emotional/distracted from the moment and not being present in life...you pray to let it go. HP is bigger than I am and is more competent and even more loving than I am, right?

It still scares me that I may not have said the right thing, did the right thing, etc, etc but I have to stop. One of my coworkers said "she knows you love her". I have never said anything degrading to her-my Mom was like that and I vowed never to do that to my children. You know what I mean, "Like, you need to lose some weight or your hair sure has gotten thin or damn girl, you crazy!" I would never want her to feel devalued, she is half my heart even still.

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Sister you've just started the journey...be gentle and compassionate with yourself and give yourself mercy.  (what a tool)   I has taken me a long time to learn this program,  how it works and how I should work it for myself.  An early tool that I received in in the closing statement of our face to face meetings and each time I read it or hear it read my hope and confidence grows and grows.  "If you keep and open mind....you will find help".  For me when I first really heard it I grew and grew and felt there were things I had yet to learn that would keep me out of the way of the alcoholic/addict, keep me on the path of recovery and help me to be an honest support for others.  It worked and still does.  

"Listen, Learn and practice, practice, practice" was the early instruction my sponsors and the program shared with me and my sponsor narrowed it down more when he told me listened for the similarities between your story and what is been shared with you let go of the difference which keep you out of recovery.    God send!!  

I will be practicing what I have been taught very shortly as a family member snared by our disease will be coming over to "talk"  (you know not listen).  I will practice over again and then let God take her home.   It's worked many times before.  ((((hugs))))  



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Jerry F


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I have developed this weird aversion to going out of the house. I go out for work, of course. I went out the other day for counseling and to pick up my meds at the pharmacy. But these things are hard to do right now. I started on my antidepressant again. This is a really hard time right now. I know it's getting better, but it's hard to CHANGE. I am not giving myself away anymore as a codependent. It's time for a change.

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This might give y'all some insight, too. Like I said, I'm changing. I have to limit chaos in my life. I literally can not take it any more. I divorced last month and don't regret it. I terminated my relationships with all family of origin in May. I know this sounds drastic but my Father is a child molester and my Mother enables. My Father molested my oldest daughter which is probably the root of her problems. I have had a lot of guilt over that through the years, which is something I have to unload also. After all, he is MY father and I survived and mostly flourished so we can all overcome including my daughter. At least she had someone (ME) who believed her.


My Mother, Sisters and Father all want to beat me down. They revel in any bad events that happen to me and say snide things. I didn't talk to any of them for 17 years after the abuse of my daughter, but picked up communication after my children were raised and over 18. It still doesn't work so I have let go permanently. I don't feel a loss from that.


My divorce was difficult, but being called c*nt, b*tch sl*t and wh*re and being locked out and told to sleep in the backyard was ridiculous. I am a registered nurse, a person, a mother-I don't deserve to be treated like that. Ex has pursued me for the past 15 months and we had good times, but no way would I go back into such a tenuous and unsafe situation.


Basically, the only good relationship I have in my life is my youngest daughter, whom I allowed to move back in with me to finish her bachelor degree. She was living on her own for the past 2.5 years.


Is it ok for me to take some time and keep to myself to heal? I don't want to date or make friends right now. I think I will "do it wrong" until I get stronger in my recovery. Does that make sense?

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RachelsMom - I believe we all need moments of pause in our lives to aid our healing and recovery - to recharge...so to speak. What I had to determine is was I looking to isolate or was I looking to regroup. Nobody but self can answer that question. It's really, really easy to be alone and look out and back at all that's happened and want a different future. The challenge comes in taking action to help ensure the future aligns best with a healthy, forward facing attitude.

I hope that if you 'break' for a while from typical life events that you fill your time/days/thoughts/actions with recovery related tools. Even when we have been an unwilling participant in this family disease of alcoholism/addiction, we are still affected ... often in ways we don't even know until we take a look.

Self-care is a foundation block of recovery. Self-care may look different for each of us. That's OK - just be gentle with you, take good care of you and take life One Day at a Time. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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I know this sounds drastic but my Father is a child molester and my Mother enables. My Father molested my oldest daughter which is probably the root of her problems. I have had a lot of guilt over that through the years, which is something I have to unload also. After all, he is MY father and I survived and mostly flourished so we can all overcome including my daughter. At least she had someone (ME) who believed her.

*********************

((((((((((((((((((((((RachelsMom)))))))))))))))))))) you BET that is the cause of her problems...AS a survivor of incest , myself, I KNOW, I REALLY know what damage this crime does to a child...for decades, I carried the burden of shame, blaming me for not stopping him...HOW does a powerless little kid stop her provider?? Her authority figure??  HOW?? but this is what my older sister and older brother slammed me with...wound on top of wounds...I go to "mother" and she hisses at me calling me a Jezebel and a slut for "enticing" my father???  I starved myself down to 75# on 5'2 frame to try and look ugly,., I dressed ugly, I didn't bathe, hoping THAT would get him off me...what ELSE did she think I should have done?????  I hated her for enabling this monster.....my older siblings, I cut them permanently out of my life for not validating and believing and supporting me....my older sister missed having a sister and so she reached out, but it took a looooong time for me to even speak to her and to allow her to make amends...and you know what??? Even at the end, tho I loved her and thanked her HP for bringing her into the truth, the years we didn't' have did their damage.....Your poor daughter was betrayed in the WORST , most UGLY , EVIL way a child could be betrayed and its a life time of recovery to reclaim a shattered life....that evil SOB took away my God, My hope, my potential, my love, my identity, my trust, my innocence...He robbed me of everything and it has taken me 14 years in recovery to one by one get my life back...to reclaim myself....I have my own HP now, I do have a bit of hope that, through program, I can bring good karma to me...my potential??? well at my age, I missed the boat on the great jobs I was capable of doing, so I took these crap jobs, and therefore my social security, I can't make it on just that..so I'll be working till I die....

I can love but only after LOTS of proof they are safe.....I now have my own identity and I know WHO I am and WHERE I am coming from, my boundaries are not only existent, but they are firm.....trust??? hard for me to trust..it takes a lot of evidence and consistency for me to trust humans.....innocence??  gone forever...I'll be cynical perhaps forever....there are some parts of me that i will not ever get back, so I have to build up new parts.....

I can now play and be spontaneous, but I will forever be on guard, watching my surroundings....hyper alert, (PTSD and GAD) I take meds to keep me stable re: the anxiety disorder, the PTSD is much more manageable, but I notice I want my quiet more then a normal person...like when I go to work, 3 am's a week, I get "enough of humans" and i want my quiet...Mental stimulation tires me out and I need to lots of times shut down and be quiet and recharge....PTSD and anxiety are exhausting....

I am much better now...As I said, I have hope because of my program and my faith in me and my HP within me....I don't have walls, but I do have strong chain link fences up to protect me...I am extremely cautious around humans...I don't let my guard down but I am also no longer paranoid....

I am living a good , decent life now...I have made strides in re-building the shattered mess he made of me.....but like a gorgeous vase that has been dropped...Yea, I picked up most of the pieces and glued me back together with the super glue of the programme, but if you look closely, you can see the little parts and their edges that are attached via the glue to the next little shard........I can hold water, though because the programme glue is good, but if I were to be dropped again, I might not be repairable...Hence my need to be careful with mankind...I just barely survived this....so I am careful, I can let others be close to me, I can love, I can be affectionate, but they have to SHOW me with consistent right action (words don't mean much to me) and yes, I can build a relationship.....

I have my triggers...and I manage them very well....my PTSD , I can manage with deep breathing, self talk, and building a faith based relationship with ME and my HP within me....my anxiety, the trauma went on for too long, my brain synapses don't "fire" right so I will be on meds till I die....but the program has literally saved my life.......I am even losing the ill will and the cursing of him and the resentment, I am losing it because it does not serve ME........Family members who cannot respect my boundaries and who try to shame me, I cut them out......I have two cousins who think I am some kind of dirty freak over what happened...they no longer exist for me........i cut out a BUNCH of people to take care of and to save ME......He and she are dead, burning in their just place and I only think of them when in recovery or if I have to deal with another memory that comes up....I have gaps in my memory that are huge....don't know how long he "groomed" me for his assaults, but it had to have taken him a long time because I remember early on , his isolating me and making himself the only one in my life....it must have been reeeeely bad because I hung myself at age 10...i had given up.....the maid saw me hanging and she cut me down...I was dying, but she resuscitated me and I told her that she signed my death warrant....I had no hope, even at that age....and the suicide attempts kept going on well into my 20's, then I decided to just numb out my pain and drink and party.......(THANK goodness I never became hooked on the stuff)  no i was just a party animal, escaping my dreadful pain.....

now in recovery that part is gone....I don't drink and don't care to drink...My only addictions now are Reese's butter cups and Girl Scout Thin mints...oh yea, and i open a bag of Fritos, gotta eat the whole thing....so yea, certain trigger foods, I cannot stop, so I don't have them in the house.....

Recovery literally saved my sanity and my life....you know how i got here???  I was gonna go out in my vehicle, in the garage, and drink a couple of wine coolers...do a bunch of my meds and get in the SUV, start it up in the garage and asphyxiate me....my friend who was in Al-anon and became my first mentor/sponsor, sensed that I was "in trouble" so he came knocking on my door JUST as I was taking me and my pets out to get us in the SUV and "help us out of here"  I was not gonna abandon my beloved pets, see them go to the pound so I was gonna take them with me...I was tired from coping with a shit life that had no purpose....

"L" knew , sensed something wasn't right and he came to my house...he had a BAG of books with him....All Al-anon, ACA literature....he also had a bag of popcorn for us to pop and eat, loaded with butter and while we are stuffing ourselves on this huge pot of popcorn,  I am pouring over these books...He said to me  "give life 30 days...give programme 30 days and if it doesn't give you any hope for a better, freer life, I won't stop you from doing what I think you were gonna do"  I looked at him and figured  "ok, 30 days here in this shit hole life isn't too bad a deal..so OK..I'll give it a try, THEN help me outta here"   that was back in 2004, February and i am still here...Still working my programme...Still kicking...working out, hanging out with healthy people...I look younger than I did 20 years ago......

Anyway, ((((((((((((((((((((RachelsMom))))))))))))))))) my heart absolutely bleeds for your daughter and as a survivor from the same crime, I can tell you, she is in a world of hurt.....I will pray she gets pushed into recovery like I did......So so sorry about this......

I am also sorry I hijacked your post, but I wanted to give you some insight as to how she feels....I know her...she is a sister in pain...Like I was.....I wish I could take her hand in mine and tell her  "I BELIEVE YOU and YOU are a precious life under Creator and he/she wants you to LIVE...So do I...."

I think one of the biggest reasons why I persevere is because each time I make a stride, learn a lesson, learn a new, healthy skill in dealing with life, learn that i can actually DEAL with life and even enjoy it, instead of just coping and dodging bullets...and I LIKE me now...I VALUE me now.....Every time I notice something like that, I know...I BEAT the darkness...I BEAT him...I DEFEATED him and MAN that feels GREAT!!!!!!  he did not destroy me...He went to hell as a failure, because I am STILL here and I am doing OK.......

thank you for listening....



-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 5th of August 2018 11:22:06 PM

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Rose:

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Bo


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It is a great opportunity to begin face to face alanon meetings -- go to as many as you can and as often as you can. As you've said, to date, you've done what you feel is all you can do. You feel OK, good, about what you've done. Now, it's time for YOU...focusing on YOU. Working on YOU. The alanon program, face to face meetings, finding a sponsor and starting to work the program...it works! It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it. And, you are!

It is brutal to have a child go through the living hell that we see. When it gets to a point of the alcoholic seeing nothing wrong with their life -- and they JUST want MONEY, or JUST want to live at home, or JUST want whatever...it appears to be simple. I myself was happy to arrive at that juncture. I was also grateful that I saw the fact...the alcoholic stated clearly that they saw nothing wrong with the way they were living their life. At that point, it was only about one issue for me...is that the way I want to live my life? Do I want to live my life that way? Money? No, I am not giving money at that juncture. However, that's just me. Am I going to let my (alcoholic/addict) step-son live in my house? My answer was no.

The other thing that drove my crazy -- was the ongoing, day to day "conversations" with the alcoholic/addict. However, in hindsight, they weren't conversations. They were part of the dace! Asking me for this, why that, trying to convince me of that, giving me guilt, manipulation, blame, begging, anger, you name it. Back and forth and back and forth and more and ping pong, and tug of war, and more, and every single day! Uggh. I had to "end" that as well -- detachment, both physical and emotional, and also boundaries.

Thanks for posting everyone.


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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



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Mamalioness- I knew we had a connection!

It is so difficult to escape from the damage of child sexual abuse-especially when it is family. I had night terrors for years which became worse when oldest daughter was born. I did not live near my parents when she was born, moved close to them when she was 1yr old and discovered the abuse when she was 2 1/2. How can an adult do that to a baby? I suspect it wasn't happening that long because I saw the fear on her face when he touched her at all (picked her up, put her bib on for dinner). She was blinking away fear and I saw it. I separated from my parents as soon as I noticed it. She also had continual bladder infections. After we were away, her bladder infections stopped. She said, "Grandad peed on my hand." That's when I knew for sure. 

Anyway, my night terrors finally stopped after having them my whole life. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am still hypervigilant. I don't think that will ever stop. Because I know what daughter went through, I didn't hesitate to send her to a dual diagnosis (substance abuse and mental health) private lock down teen rehab. It financially hurts that I still owe on these "student loans". I will have these things for the 10 years. Hopefully, like you Mamalioness, I can imagine a retirement down the road. Who knows? I need to at least work until 62 but shooting for working as long as I can. Youngest daughter says she will house me when/if I can't do it in the future. She is dating a guy who also is thinking he will have to house his Mom, haha.

Oldest daughter's self destruction is more than I can handle to watch. I need to dig myself out of this pit and get out to meetings. It's a work in progress because, at this point, I don't even want to go to the grocery store.

 



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Yes I sort of figured you and I had a connection. We can support each other. I dont have anyone to help me or house me so I work out and stay and good shape because I will be working until I die. Younger daughter has enough struggles without having to deal with me. However I know she would do what she could to take care of me Other than that, I have built a decent life for myself thanks to this wonderful 12 steps program which has been the only therapy I have been able to afford. There should be the death penalty for anybody who does evil to a child. I wasnt sexually molested until around age 14 I think it started because his age range preference was like 14 to 17. But he spent years prior to that, grooming me, taking away my identity, taking away my self-esteem, brainwashing me with putdowns and making me feel as though I would die if I did not have him. These evil monsters are very clever and very crafty. I was a very tough and resilient and very brilliant child so he had to really work on me for a long time to destroy me enough to where I could not fight him off of me. It lasted all through My teenage years. I do believe there is a special place in hell for people like this. But I try not to dwell on it, I just tried to dwell on things that are good, clean, nourishing and positive, loving and healing for myself and I try to share that with safe others

I no longer feel shame sharing this if it will help another understand and to keep on working on themselves, I will share my ugly story if I have to to help another. That is how I get even with the evil. I get even by helping others love them selves and want to live and want to treasure their lives. I hope my story helps you understand how she feels and to help you understand some things about your own self. This is how we overcome this terrible darkness. By shaking off the shackles of shame that is not ours to begin with and to share our stories to help others. This is how we Smack down the evil. We put the light on it, and we Come to believe that we are just as loving and wonderful as any other spirit. I am no longer a shamed of me. I am just as good as the next person. And I know I have something , in the way of gifts to offer this world Of coarse I am careful how I share my story when not in the recovery room with other recovery mates because there are stupid and ignorant people who will attack and ask questions that speak of why didnt you stop him etc. There are ignorant people out there who think that the child did something to bring the attacks on her. So I am careful about sharing with people outside of recovery. And then of course you get those people who tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps etc. and to get over it. Dont they know I would give my life to be able to get over it? Like they think we want to deal with issues of anxiety and PTSD. I do not try to help people like that understand, I separate myself from them. Anyone that insensitive does not deserve to be in my life and in my space. That is why I live in relative peace now because I eliminated all the stupid and insensitive people I have encountered in my walk down the recovery road. I will do whatever I have to do to protect my recovery and the wonderful progress I am making. And because I made these changes, and set these boundaries, and put my recovery first, I see the wonderful healing that is going on with in me. I can hold up my end of a healthy and loving relationship now. I have changed so much for the positive and I will do anything I have to to protect that. Keep on posting, and keep on reading and sharing, and if you need to talk in private with me, you are welcome to private message me We overcome by loving and mutually supporting others like us or have been shattered in another way, we overcome by breaking out of the silence and coming forward. I was as sick as my secrets. Now that it is no longer a secret, it does not have the control over me that it once did. Hang in there, you are worth it, and I am here In SUPPORT



-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 6th of August 2018 12:04:15 PM

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Rose:

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Thank you for posting your share on taking care of an addicted child. We seem to have no or very little resources to help with that scenario. I often wish there was an urgent care for the lifestyle of addiction/street life/relapse but I haven't found any support system as yet. Care providers just want to sweep everything under the carpet. It's a disease we're working with, yet everyone has their head buried in the sand saying it doesn't exist.

I can empathize and sympathize with you and hope your journey finds you in a better place than you were before.

Keep coming back.

Sincerely,

courage 



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Courage

It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars. ~ Richard Evans



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Thanks Mamalioness and Courage!

I took oldest daughter to lunch the other day. It was more like "watching her gobble down a burger while I drove", lol. Anyway, she GOT A JOB!!! I haven't heard how it is going, I guess drug testing and criminal background check was not an issue? It is within walking distance of where she is staying. I dropped her off at the interview and she walking back to where she is staying.

Detachment-only doing what I feel that I can for my own emotional/financial/mental safety. It feels good.


Now I have something to ask y'all but I'm not sure, I think I don't know what I don't know. So here goes.

I feel invisible at work. I express myself when I need to but I don't feel like it matters that I do. Its not that I'm not as educated as my coworkers, I have a bachelor degree and started my master degree but quit because of mostly financial reasons, but also because if I'm invisible now, I will be invisible with an expensive advanced degree later!!


I am quiet, but not a doormat. I take control of my work responsibilities and I believe I handle it well? I have never been fired in my professional career. I'm just not in the popular outgoing crowd, which seems to persist even after high school. My boss has thanked me for being kind to the new nurses who come aboard at work. Other nurses say my boss praises me to them but not to me. Only once has a boss ever asked me to train a new nurse. I don't know why that is-because I'm quiet? I don't know.

I feel this huge hole inside that can't be filled. I am passionate about my patients, I keep a clean house, I pay my bills on time even though it's challenging, I love my daughter's with a Mother's passion. I don't hurt people but I also don't care to be hurt. I am friendly and kind but not quick to let others close to me. I prefer not to live with a man again-I have not been successful in this area.


Why do I feel so empty? Why is every day a struggle? MamaLioness, is this from the very poor childhood I experienced? Sigh

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Dear Rachel. I am afraid your last sentence is what the issue is here. For me, I had to go back way back, on a step four inventory and I had to grieve out all those losses all those hugs and kisses I never got all that praise I never heard all that validation I did not know of. I was locked in a dog crate when she wanted to drink. I dont remember her ever hugging me and kissing me. His affections carried a horrendous price tag. And when he wasnt horny, he was vicious and cruel. So yes I felt empty all of my life. And nothing could fill that empty hole because outsid his affections carried a horrendous price tag. And when he wasnt horny, he was vicious and cruel. So yes I felt empty all of my life. And nothing could fill that empty hole because I was looking for other people and places and things and circumstances and jobs to fill that empty hole that they left behind and that only I could fill with my own shovel and my own sand in my own efforts. I learned how to re-parents me and be my own parent and that is my shovel in my sand, being my own parent and my own best friend because love is an inside job. It begins within and then radiates without. I was looking for love in all the wrong places I needed to make friends with myself. My wounded self who took the brunt of the abuse while my core self hid like Nero in Rome as his city was falling apart around him in a big fire, I did the same thing. I crawled into my cave to save my core self. And it was my wounded self who took the brunt and covered for me so I would not completely go in sane. Now as I emerge from my cave as I am safe now, my wounded self is standing there saying, well Im the one who took all the pain and punishment, how about loving me? I know that sounds kind of funny, and it did to me at first until I realized that I had to develop this other self to protect and preserve the real me which she did with great courage and perseverance, now all she wants is recognition and validation and some hugs.

This is why I journal now. Because I want to have a chat session with my real adult self and my wounded child self who never really was able to grow up because her growth was stunted when the abuse began. It was very difficult for me to want to love this needy and self sabotaging and demanding of attention little Part of me until I realized that really she was my hero and my savior during the worst of evil. I feel less and less empty as I work to homogenize my CORE part of me with my inner child a.k.a. wounded self a.k.a. other self who had to develop to cope and survive and to keep us alive

Yes, it is nice to get recognition and validation on the job and with others I deal with but as long as I know I am doing my best with the tools that I have, I can be satisfied and tell myself that I did a good Job and that is enough. We are social creatures and it is true we do have a inter-dependence on each other But I say inter-dependent in that I need you and you need me to support each other and encourage each other in recovery but if I have to stand alone and continue On because you dumped me or stopped talking to me, I can do it. I would miss you but I can carry-on because I am learning that myself and my inner kid and my higher power within are enough.

It is normal to want a little praise for a job well done. But sometimes people just arent aware and they dont do it. Your boss may be shy to approach you about this and that is why she tells other people you do a good job. Your patients I am sure validate you in the way they respond to you and by the way nurses are my heroes. Every time I have been in a hospital outpatient setting, it was the nurses who took care of me and made my stay a pleasant one. I have the highest regard for nurses and its funny how people like you and me end up in the care giving business because we are loving and giving and kind people and we know how bad it is to suffer and we want to stop it. I help people with broken hearts I try to encourage people in the rooms here and other places to love themselves and to know that they are lovable and acceptable and just as precious to the universe as anyone else

When I first arrived here you might not have liked me because I was so messed up I was selfish and needy and it was all about me Me and I did not even think of the other. I was hemorrhaging spiritually and I just had nothing in my cup to give until I was in recovery for a few years and realized that the only way I am going to overcome evil is to reverse it. To love even if I dont feel like it. Give them love and comfort anyway if they are safe, do it. Because that is how I reverse and get even with the evil done to me. I hope other souls want to live and want to love themselves

I am here listening and anytime you want to chat, you know where to find me. But I do get what you are saying and I know where it is coming from. We were deprived of healthy and clean and nurturing love From those who were the most important people in our lives growing up. Our first impressions of any God is taken from how our parents behave towards us. Their impact on us is so far reaching and that is why it is so hard to get over the betrayal of a parent. I was a habitual run away because the streets and all the danger they offered were safer than my own home. So yeah I was starved for love, starved for hugs and kisses that never came my way from those people. Luckily for me, I had loving aunts and uncles and a family who took me in when I ran away and wanted to adopt me at age 12 and I received love and validation from them and it was like drinking the purest and freshest water. It tasted so good. I remember I followed them around like a little shadow. I just wanted to be with mom and dad Godfrey may they rest in peace and my beloved aunt Harriet and uncle Dick may they rest in peace because what little love I was able to get I got from these four people and maybe it was just enough to save me

Everything you wrote, I could relate to and I understand and it is completely normal for you to feel that way. Sad but normal given our backgrounds The good news is, we can overcome. And it begins with us and within us and as we radiate out that self love that we have learned to develop, we draw the love back to us that we were deprived of so long ago. Keep hanging in there. What you do in your job is so beautiful. Thank you for your service to people who are sick and unable to care for themselves. I thank you personally for the Vocation that you took which to me speaks volumes of your character to choose that kind of hard and difficult work and to give comfort and hope to those who are sick and even the ones who are dying

Hang in there. You are not alone

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Rose:

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Here is my favorite song right now.

Fear is a Liar

youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

When he told you you're not good enough
When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful
That you'll never be enough

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you were troubled
You'll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You'll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
Cause fear he is a liar
Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
Cause fear he is a liar


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Rose-you are a wonderful person who shares her growth with others and I appreciate that!

I am getting ready for work but I love this song I posted. I will keep "putting up a good fight" and believing in myself and HP. I don't understand the nurses who get done quickly with patients and sit down at the nurses station and socialize. It is impossible to get patient needs met that fast and I know it's because of skipping meds of patients who don't know better and can't speak for themselves. I work in long term nursing and we take mentally ill patients also. I have a schizophrenic who is going to give me $700,000. (gently lol) I have bipolar and borderlines who get on my very last nerve! They know I love them but boy are they challenging. Yes, I do believe HP led me to this care taking job because life is truly about helping others. Without that, I don't see how it would be worth it living and grabbing whatever makes you happy? I do my best and I am working 7 days this week. Rose, my abuser was cruel when he wasn't being absolutely gross and forget any kindness from Mother-she was busy keeping it all under wraps and as a kid in this mess, it was best to be invisible and not make any waves and smile, totally numb existence. I don't know if it will ever leave me.

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Many of those things, she and he both told me. And because I was too young to filter all those lies out, I bought into it. For decades I believed their vicious and evil lies. But no more. He and she were liars and they did not defeat me. I defeated them by not only surviving but living a better and healthier life

Thank you for sharing this song

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"Is it ok for me to take some time and keep to myself to heal? I don't want to date or make friends right now. I think I will "do it wrong" until I get stronger in my recovery. Does that make sense?"

Yes because this is what the program truly is about...learning about self care.  I didn't do tis very well when I started and as a newcomer hit it only in bits and pieces.  It took me a long while to learn the meaning and intention of "self focus" as I kept repeating old mistakes thinking I would be getting different results.

The most caring and loving statement I received at my 17th year anniversary was "Keep coming back".  I was looking at the exit of our meeting place with other thoughts in mind when I heard that and then made the "other" choice...sit down, shut up, listen, listen, listen.   My Higher Power urged a new comer into saying that.  

Your daughter is supposed to be a spectator of your growth in recovery without you telling her.  She just might want what you create for yourself along the way.  

My eldest son for now is way to self centered to reach out to any other alcoholic or addict to learn how it is done with 12 step recovery and still I know what can and will happen if he ever wills that for himself.

Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))  



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I work in long term nursing and we take mentally ill patients also. I have a schizophrenic who is going to give me $700,000. (gently lol) I have bipolar and borderlines who get on my very last nerve! They know I love them but boy are they challenging. Yes, I do believe HP led me to this care taking job because life is truly about helping others.

 

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hey RachelsMom............omg....I had to chuckle at your "inheritance" and your post touched me deeply...What a gift you are to life..to Creator...To me and your fellow recovery mates......Sending you a HUUUUGE HUG ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))   keep coming back , this programme works and you are workin it..I can see that....and you asked is it ok for you to kinda back off and heal and not date or make friends right now.....and I am saying "HELL yes!!!!!"  That is the best thing you could do for you at this juncture in your life.....I got into recovery Feb., 2004 and I don't remember dating or "adding to my friendship" list UNTIL I was pretty sure some old patterns of Codependency were in check...I am talkin about a year minimum because I was such a mess.... I was aware of my tendency to date emotionally unavailable men or drinkers and did not want to repeat old learned and bad patterns.......so yea, I swore off dating for sure and was REAL careful about what females I wanted to hang out with....I did this because I knew I would have a ton on my plate sorting ME out...and for once!!!  I was putting me and my recovery and my sanity/mental health FIRST......so Yea, girlfriend, you take care of you....

 

 



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

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RachelsMom - I love that song by Zach Williams - great song - a link for those who want to hear it!

www.youtube.com/watch - Fear is a liar by Zach Williams

Another good song that just came out is called the BreakUp Song by Francesca Battistelli - scroll down a bit to find the video...

freeccm.com/2018/06/18/news-francesca-battistelli-drops-new-song-music-video-for-the-breakup-song/

What I learned about myself in recovery was that a life of living with this disease all around me combined with my own personality/soul had me in a perpetual state of defensiveness and reaction. Big things, small things - I was almost paranoid about most events assuming/believing they were happening to me, because of me or in spite of me. This is one of the issues - me, me, me - truly 99% or more of what I allowed to affect me had nothing to do with me.

I had heard my whole life that you can't love another until you love yourself. I did eye-rolls over this for a long, long while and kept doing life 'my way'. What I learned (again, in recovery through the steps and from those who came before me) was that this is so, so true. Taking time to work on me, heal me, deal with, accept and embrace all the past events and forgiveness across the board gave me the freedom to make better choices! My picker was broken. I tended to surround myself and pick out others who were unhealthy simply because I was too - like attracts like...

I am better today and I stay close to my recovery. I absolutely refuse to indulge in avoidable drama, chaos and craziness and avoid others who live for it (there are many). I stand real clear of those who try to control people, places and things as it's contrary to my journey of recovery. I do take time as/when needed to allow me time to accept, deal, heal and/or process and never, ever allowed myself this before.

Taking good care of self has set me free from the past events of life as well as allowed me to see me and all others as imperfect creations of a power greater than I. I believe all deserve forgiveness and I am not the ultimate authority on who is 'more at fault'. All I can do is clean up my side of the street, trust God and help others.

So - please take as much time as necessary to heal. As far as your work situation, most of us struggle with inferiority complexes. This disease does rob all of their self-esteem, self-respect and dignity. We tend to be paranoid, guarded, and lacking trust - of self and others. We would rather play it safe than take a risk for fear of failing. Recovery gave me the ability to say what I mean, mean what I say and to not say it mean. I learned to ask bosses/supervisors, "How am I doing in my current job, and what can I seek to improve?" I learned that constructive criticism is just that - not to be taken personally but instead to be used to develop. I also learned to ask for what I want - I am interested in learning/doing more .........................

Before I worked hard on myself in recovery, I always felt greater than or lesser than others. Today, I accept that I am just one of - no better, no worse and it's a great feeling! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back - you're worth it!

Congrats. on your daughter's job! As a mom of struggling addicts, I hear your joy and can so relate to celebrating all things normal!



__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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This is all such good information for me and I come here and read it over and over again. If I didn't name you and thank you in a post ...sorry about that! Believe me, I'm reading and re-reading. I'm also reading other threads. I haven't commented on any though. I'm not sure I can yet.

There is a real stigma associated with "low self esteem" and "not loving yourself". Of course, people who don't "get it" are going to roll their eyes. I'm not sure I've ever felt adult love? So how am I going to love myself or respect myself or esteem myself? I think that terminology needs to be broken down. People who have low self esteem or don't love themselves are going to reject working it if they have no understanding. So if you please....indulge me in definitions of loving self or esteeming self.

I went to counseling the other day and I don't know if this is me or her or combination of both but I didn't feel the connection. I don't want to feel "dirty and shameful" when I cry. I don't know if I'm projecting those thoughts on her but she wasn't warm, made me feel like the debris in a tornado (chaotic trash swirling round and round). I don't think I'm going back to her.


Iamhere-I've been married three times to drinkers, two of them mean drunks. My picker is definitely broken. In those relationships, I felt like I was there for what I could give them. I'm not even sure THAT makes sense because aren't we in a relationship because it has a benefit to us? I don't know, I never approached a relationship as "what can I get from this". I refuse to be that kind of person. I see it as a giving and receiving, if he/she makes me laugh, intelligence, ability to solve life problems together in a partnership, admiration. If I look for these things, I'm not sure why I picked who I did??? I guess that's enough of my mixed up thoughts today!


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~*Service Worker*~

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For me, self love means that I accept who I am exactly as I am. I don't want for more, I don't wish I were like others, I don't do more for others than for myself. I take care of myself - eat healthy, exercise, prayer/meditation. I commit to care for me equal or more than I care for/about others. I can be alone with complete ease, I can laugh and cry at myself and I feel completely safe and at ease in my own company....

Here's a great simple write up that aligns with my thoughts....tinybuddha.com/blog/what-self-love-means-20-ways-be-good-to-yourself/

What I know about self-esteem - is if you want to build it, you do esteemable acts. Service to self and others. Responding instead of reacting. Patience, kindness, tolerance, forgiveness all help me feel better about who I am and who I am working to be. Faith is a power greater than I, and turning my wants/will over again and again to that power trusting what is is what is to be.

Self-Esteem allows me to find and be confident vs. cocky. know when to talk and when to not. Self-Esteem allows me to say Yes to an invite when my will/person wants to say no and isolate. It allows me to be me in a room of others, strangers or not, and to be 100% OK with it. I don't have to be any more or any less. Before recovery, I was often a chameleon. I was what others wanted me to be because I didn't know who I was and what I did see I wasn't sure I liked it. The 'act as if' helped me greatly once I got to recovery.

Hope this helps! And yes - I can so relate to the broken picker......it's not that way any more - thanks to recovery and a great sponsor...

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


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Far too many people look at self-love and think about it in a linear, one dimensional fashion. That's why far too many people don't get it, LOL. Loving and accepting yourself just as you are and the like -- that barely scratches the surface. Stop there, and focus on that, it can be become a to the extreme trait -- and that becomes about "ego" -- the psychological element of ego that is. Self-absorbed, self-centered, arrogance, is a byproduct of that.

So many people throw around the term self-love, and it becomes bastardized. "You can't love someone else, until you love yourself" and all along those lines. It's the "fulfillment" aspect. Self-love is action that one takes, not some euphoric state of mind or of feeling good. Self-love is about a mindset, a methodology of a state of appreciation for yourself -- and it manifests from actions that support that! If you don't think self-love has to do with, for example, not accepting unacceptable behavior...then it's time to learn. It is about all care -- physical, spiritual, psychological, mental, and more. It is also about acceptance -- and accepting our flaws, our weaknesses, it is about being vulnerable, the vulnerable that comes from being open and honest. It is about compassion, for ourselves, our struggles, and about finding purpose, intention, our morals, values, ethics.

I was in this place until the disease of alcoholism invaded my home, impacted my life, and my wife began to progressively get worse and worse. How could my self-love survive this? Survive what I was doing every single day. Survive my unhealthy way of living, thinking, behaving, etc. Even more, what about me accepting unacceptable behavior? This not only defeats self-love, it destroys it. It dies.

That said, while self-love is critical to our well-being, health and happiness...it is one ingredient in the recipe.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Great points, Bo...Thank you for this share that I got a lot out of...self love , healthy, programme style and the ego....it was ego that ran me till I got beaten down enough by life and forced into programme and learned that there ARE other people who got hurt...Not just me...i was sooo unhealthy until programme really began to take root and I have to STAY with programme or I can go right back into the toilet with my thinking..............thank you so much for this

__________________

Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***

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