The material presented
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level.
It has really been a hell of a two week period around here. I can't put my finger on it. I have sort of been reading boards I plan on listening to podcasts this weekend, I'll be driving 1/2 way to meet my bff and drop youngest off for a week with his friend and then we will be trying to get boy registered for high school I can't believe it.
I am an emotional wreck .. it might be hormone induced, .. it may be God's wicked sense of humor reminding me I need to do some more growth and I am pushing back stating I don't want to .. LOL. God doesn't shove however .. I feel a little more nudged than I am prepared to deal with at the moment.
My dad who I have not spoken to in 11 years has reached out to my mother and my XAH .. I already know he likes my XAH better than he likes me .. LOL .. he's told me so. That was years ago and who in the hell says that to their own kid .. I don't get it. He has also sent a friend request to my oldest and he is probably the biggest bigot going .. and will tell you all day that because he's married to a Filipino he's not .. even though he throws the N word around (you can take the boy out of the south however you can't take the south out of the boy on that one) .. can you imagine the reaction to my kiddo. OMGOSH .. whatever .. LOL. He's friended my X and is trying to friend my mother who was on freak out mode yesterday she makes me laugh .. why would I want to be friends with him .. he's a weirdo .. LOL!! Then proceeds to tell me how terrible he looks .. LOL .. umm .. mom .. perspective .. he's 84 years old this year I think and so that made me LOL .. I am sure he looks old .. he is.
There is part of me that wants to lash out and say who do you think you are .. and then part of me that says .. I know him well enough after all these years to realize .. he doesn't understand why someone wouldn't like him .. LOL .. he's a great guy after all. It would never dawn on him that someone thinks he's a weirdo and wouldn't want to know him. So of COURSE he sent my mom a friend request .. LOL. Which is why my X is now involved .. LMAO. He sent my mom a note telling her that my dad was trying to reach her for some financial business. She doesn't want to deal with him and apparently there is an attorney involved so whatever .. I told her you don't have to accept the friend request and you only need to deal with the attorney. If you don't want to deal with dad ask him for the attorney's number and deal with the attorney.
I have decide that I don't do interpersonal relationships well ... I mean the close face to face kind. I'm not sure what to do about that I know I need to work a steps and move forward .. with no good examples of what it looks like in real time experiences .. idk .. someone either has to love me in spite of me or not and yes I know people love me .. and I'm not a horrible person .. I just feel like little girl lost at the moment for lack of a better term.
As I am expressing myself to my BF and he starts comparing apples and pears (very similar however very different) .. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this without having to defend why I feel that way. I manage to almost snap my side mirror off in a drive - thru .. I have been driving for over 30 years and that is the FIRST time I have ever done that trick. It's easy enough to fix .. it upset me more. I get back on the road and burst into tears as I am trying to get out of the car at work and pretty much hang up on my BF.
Right now I feel alone .. and I don't know that I have felt so alone since being in a relationship with my X. My heart hurts and I have a constant flow of tears at the moment .. makes being at work a whole lot of not fun.
I am overwhelmed emotionally.
Anyway .. thanks for letting me share and there is relief in knowing I can start my day over at anytime .. I just can't seem to get my footing without tripping.
Hugs S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It's so amazing that with all that going on, you can find relief in being able to start your day all over again at any time. That's great, and thanks for sharing that. I find that when I am feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, whatever it is, little things going wrong can be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I personally don't deal with the emotional wreck feelings very well at all. For me, and my wife was active and rolling, I suffered from anxiety attacks. Even when she was "sober" she still wasn't emotionally capable of being there for me, being supportive, etc. I constantly felt like I was defending how I felt. I had to defend how I was feeling, and it wasn't good for me. It furthered me into emotional wreck feelings, and just being overwhelmed and getting it from all ends, all people, and so on.
So, I spiked up my meetings. I spiked up my phone calls to my sponsor. I spiked up my face to face time with friends from the program. I made sure I was doing my readings, multiple times a day. And, I made sure that I slowed down, took a breath, and focused on the very next thing in front of me. When I got busy, I got better. Oh did that work for me time and time again. I go back to the basics -- step one, acceptance, over whatever it is I am feeling and facing. Acceptance over feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, whatever. When I had total acceptance, then I was able to surrender to it, and stopped fighting it -- and when I stopped fighting it, it didn't consume me. And then...I was able to let it go. That allowed me to face and take one step in the right direction, the healthy direction.
Hang in there and keep working it. It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it. Thanks again for sharing.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi Serenity, how are you doing this morning? I hope that today has brought some relief and peace and some excitement, as well, as you get prepared to sign the youngest up for high school classes! Wow! They grow up so fast, don't they?
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending peace and healing vibes your way!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sending you tons of support. Sounds like this weekend should be a real "self-care" weekend for you.
I read your Al-Anon "trained" brain telling you the facts...but your inner child is reacting to daddy and his attempts at reaching out. Use the week without younger kid to really tap into your inner child feelings...maybe some writing on that will help? Then listen to your brain... perhaps "give up" wanting to share it with BF, & just share with your sponsor...I see that you have this, I am just reminded of HALT when I am reading your share.
Will send up a prayer to HP for you this weekend. Hang in there!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Serenity, I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, and glad you have so much insight and Al-Anon tools to help you.
The mishap with the car -- I've had little things like that happen, too, and it's been a sign that I need to stop what I'm doing and really give myself some space and self care.
(((Serenity))) - here's hoping that the writing about it all helped some - writing for me is very therapeutic when I am on data/life overload. I hope you can be gentle with you - you've had so much going on and many, many changes in recovery...cutting yourself some slack is a good thing!
I find sometimes that 'when it rains, it pours'. It does feel as if too many things are happening 'wrong' at once. Yet, I find that 'this too shall pass' and even when it feels dark in life, it doesn't last like we feel/think it will. You do have your footing and you're not tripping - it just feels like that.
Take good care of you and know that I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I feel much better today. The trip has been fun we are waiting for my bff to show .. she's not late .. i'm only early because she moved out meeting place. Lol. My oldest had a small medical emergency this AM (I am thinking seriously God enough) .. I asked my boyfriend to deal so we could stay on track. The air qualityis horrific because of the heat and other factors. After 3 years of no issues this happened .. asthma attack. We had JUST been talking about it too. I will say thelook on my bfs face was priceless. I see how his ex NEVER expected him to step up with his own children. It was shocking to me and a very good reality check for him. Soooo that being carrie said .. I don't think he was real happy I was going. It wasn't a 911 situation .. however it did need to be addressed. To cap my day yesterday I had an odd texting conversation with my dad .. I was super emotional all day. I use the word odd because he was kind. Honestly it took me completely off guard. I don't know that i will pursue anything else except an aqaintence in dealing with this other things have settled with in me emotionally. This is a good thing. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey girl - good to hear you are feeling much better today!!! Enjoy your gal time and just be present....I was diagnosed with allergy-induced-asthma a while back. I ended up having two inhalers - one for each day (preventative) and one for attacks (reactive). Long story short, I really didn't have what they suggested - I had fluid still in my lungs from double pneumonia the year prior! They had cleared me and suggested all fluid was gone but that was not the case. So - it presented as asthma attacks and this went on for a few years.
I share just in case it doesn't 'feel right'....one good intern finally asked me if I'd ever had pneumonia - I confirmed but it was more than 5 years previous. They did new x-rays and voila - found the fluid that had been 'there' for way too long...
How awesome that you have a guy you can count on! That's super cool - (((Hugs)))!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Today is a MUCH better day .. yesterday I spent recovering and of course with my hormones going ballistic guess what came early .. God's wicked sense of humor and mother nature decided to chime in .. although emotionally I really do feel far more solid than I did over the last many days.
One thing that happened on the way out there and back is my oldest decided to wait to have the conversation with me until I was coming home let me know he had reached out to his dad about insurance/pharmacy cards the man HAS to control SOMETHING .. I never realized his issues with control until I left. This and money are the two areas he likes to screw with me on .. and I don't have it often.
Anyway .. LONG story short .. our child sends a text I'm at the ER and I need you to send a copy of the insurance card as well as pharmacy card .. the response? What now. SERIOUSLY .. umm .. this is something I have been asking him to send our child NOT me.
I'm just blown away. Who does that and finally follows with hope everything is ok .. NO PHONE CALL OR CHECK IN AFTER ..
Who does that as a parent? I remind myself this is the kind of parent he is and yet feels ok with the idea that he gets involved with MY MOTHER and DAD's legal stuff .. REALLY??? The guy is a fruit loop and I'm trying not get involved because I know if I say anything it's going to get flipped on me. I did ask my dad not to involve my XAH in things that are family related with my mom .. he doesn't know anything and he doesn't need to .. it's not his business.
The texts I sent to my dad were good, emotionally detached and factual .. I was able to express myself on a lot of levels I haven't been able to do with him .. ever. I even weighed in on my mind .. he's 84 years old what is and is not appropriate. One thing I am REALLY proud of myself is the statement .. I'm not interested in rehashing the past .. it's the past .. however .. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen either. I was able to communicate without putting blame out or attacking .. what I wanted to say and what I did say .. two totally different things .. I know right now I'm not prepared to have a conversation with him AND .. ehe .. I'm not interested in a relationship with him either. When we first lost communication I was angry .. however that anger over the years turned to .. I'm over causing my own pain .. and there was no emotional cost benefit for me to continue the relationship. Sometimes that's just how it is .. I'm not sure today what I am open to or even willing to allow in my life with him. I do know that today is not the time to be making that kind of decision and he may feel the same way as I do. That's ok .. I have left everything in his court should he want to reach back out .. I'm kind of done right now.
I suggested that we have some conversations if he was up to it .. I really am not interested in talking on the phone right now. I'm ok with that part of the deal.
Anyway .. today I feel good and it was a LOT to take on in 72 hours .. I am grateful for my BF's support even if I have to pull him by the ear from time to time .. it winds up being he's glad he's been there for the kids. My youngest has a big attachment to him and I'm grateful for that however it is scary too. I know any decisions I make have a ripple effect.
Thank you for being here.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Glad today is a better day for you.
Wonderful share about how you dealt with your father... sounds like you got your footing, and was able to deal with him in a mature way that didn't compromise anything for you!
I understand your frustration with your Ex... but obviously, he's just not a good dad. Period. But then again I am sure you knew that already! LOL!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
