Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Well.....there's fear....and that's fun

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Hi Andromeda,

I actually was thinking of you the other day and hoping you were ok. Glad to hear you are safe. I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety (panic attacks), ohhhhhh have I been going through it too.

I feel for you regarding the messages. That makes leaving so much more difficult. I admire you standing your ground.

I hope that everything comes together very soon for you.

S

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Andromeda))))

I can so understand your point of view with your first paragraph! I am right there with you with the fear. I am completely starting over at 55... no savings, minimum wage job (for now) and tons of debt (b/c I was the only one with good credit in the marriage). Sometimes (many times) I worry about retirement (what's that?) and being really old all by myself. But, I remind myself that is "future-tripping me" talking, and I try to concentrate on one day at a time!

Sorry to hear of the hardships with the BF contact. You sound like you have it well handled though!

Sending you light and love, sister! Stay safe.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh girl, I hear you on the debt thing and the good credit. That's what kills me. I'm grateful that I got approved for my rental because I wasn't sure my credit was looking really good right about now.

Everything is coming together! I know it's all part of a greater plan. I am a total future tripper and worry about the future so much!

On a lighter note, I worked out with my personal trainer today and I have a feeling that I will barely be able to walk tomorrow. I'm looking forward to everyone making fun of me at work tomorrow, haha!

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Fantastic!

A good work-out does wonders for the body AND mind!

I ended up trimming (with hand trimmers) two large bushes this past weekend... down to just sticks (don't worry they are honeysuckle... you just can't kill those if you tried!) and my forearms are absolutely killing me!! But at the same time, I am feeling a great sense of accomplishment!

Hope the rest of the week goes as well as your workout!!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Andromeda

its called "improvising, adapting and overcoming" Yes, finances change when we make a major change....when I lost my high paying job, back in 2008, and the bonuses I was getting in the way of car reimbursements, b-day presents, etc., began to ebb back in 2006 when the company started to go down hill, financially, yea, I had to ADAPT....instead of designer clothes new, I went to good thrift shops...cutting back on tv, but keeping internet...working on who is the cheapest and best deal in electricity provider...shopping smart for my food, cutting out crap I didn't need and that was bad for me anyway, i cut back eating out, big time....i just worked a budget....income on the left side..."need to survive" expenses on the right...and then the car insurance, i got bids on the best provider for my insurance...signed up with a new dentist that had an insurance plan to discount any dental needs...the list goes on....I learned how to cut/barber my own hair and i actually like MY cuts better, LOL...(I know that was extreme, but living on SS and PT work since 2008, yea, I had to really adapt and overcome this HUUUUUGE financial challenge) I live simpler now and I can "tithe" to me a couple of hundred AT LEAST ea. month...I learned DIY stuff around the house...I mow my own yard, (good exercise) and I do a lot of stuff that i had maids and yard men doing....in a flat, I would think it would be a bit easier, the ONE thing that saved me was that I had a little bit of stock..cashed it in b4 the crash really bit hard and I paid off the house...otherwise, it would have been terrible, but still, I have prop taxes, insurance, maintenance for the house so essentially I am paying "rent" of a sort....but with DIY and working "deals" with utilities, insurance, et al, I've been "OK"..

I had to really change..make life simple...I wear beautiful clothing, i just shop smart (thrift shops) AND i wear a girls size 14 insteald of the adult 1, 2 or 3 size pants , so I can get clothing cheaper anyway and i wear very nice stuff....my diet is simple, i make my own stuff, like salad dressing, BBQ sauce, etc., I DIY a lot of stuff in kitchen and I am waaay healthier eating my own, clean, no "junk additives" type foods...I even make my own granola bars and they beat the hell out of the store bought ones.....I make the bars and i can make my own whole grain cereal....

i buy my meats, whats on sale?? i check the weekly ads at my best priced groceries and buy whats on special....keep it simple....thats my mantra......i am amazed at the waste and unnecessary spending I was doing...plus helping my girls, and that was the sad part, not being able to send nice $$ Xmas and b-day gifts, but the younger daughter is FINE with it....she wants me, not my money.....

I am able to save...got a decent SUV, nice Honda I paid cash for it in 2013, new and i take real good care of it....dont' do unnecessary driving so mileage is like 49,450 on odometer...and those cars last forever....and i get coupons for my oil changes so i save there

If i can do this , you can....it takes discipline which i know you got because you ended a bad relationship, you walked away, made the step to be on your own and have your peace, so you can do this....discipline, a bit of creativity in the finances, and assessing what is priority...what is not....

I can't retire either due to bad choices etc., but working PT keeps me active, My mind is a muscle..i exercise/use it, it stays sharp, so i try to look on the bright side, my kids are on op sides of the country, i am on my own, alone, essentially so why NOT work??? keeps me involved in life, because I am not that into people, never was a "people person" but my work?? it gives me a sense of purpose, so OK, no retirement and maybe its best I don't...I don't want to be bored......

You can do this..You will have to do a big "financial" step 4 and assess your priorities...what are needs vs wants you can do without....You've got a job...so you have an income.....Thank goodness for that.....I do very decently on not very much money at all...trust me, I don't make a third of what I used to make and I am "OK" as far as today goes and today is all we got

sending you encouragement--hugs---support---positive energy for a good outcome

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda, I am glad that things are going so well for you. You did an amazing job under time and emotional duress -- the worst situation -- and you excelled in every single possible way. That said, you are not facing/feeling the immediate aftermath. And that's OK. It's normal. I am in the financial services industry -- and one very important element that is neglected by 99% of the industry is financial or wealth "utilization" -- how financial decisions are made, how wealth, money is utilized, and various related items. While you may be "in the hole every month financially right now" that -- as you said -- could simply be a function/byproduct of "cash flow." However, there are several things you can do about that, and I am sure you will. Yes, it could be a function of bonuses, or, withholdings, budgeting vis a vis paychecks, overtime, or something else. The perceived "selfish" thing might be that, or might be lifestyle, self-care, etc. Yes, phone plans, cable packages, Netflix, gym memberships, etc., can all be contributory -- however, they can also be temporary. Not to oversimplify, but salary/wages increase, and some expenses do not. We do have certain creature of habit, comforts, or the like, that can contribute as well. Some we do let go of, others we don't.

One very common occurrence is fear -- and yes, that comes from sudden change, emergency situations, unplanned occurrences, etc. Thus, immediately, there is no plan so to speak. However, that is the opportunity to develop one. The lack of a plan, the unexpected nature of the situation, causes us to become angry -- as you said, angry at yourself for past decisions. However, as you said -- those decisions were made under pressure and duress, and often had to do with another person. Thus, it is not our fault. We were a victim of circumstance(s). Don't beat yourself up because of pressure from another.

You should be comfortable -- and proud of changes you've made, what you've accomplished, and how far you've come. Many people here admire and respect what you have done, accomplished, etc.

The retirement discussion, and the ex-bf situation -- well, that's just part of what we deal with every single day. Keep your head where your feet are. Focus on YOU. You will be fine. More to follow, but for now, goodnight everyone.

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey, andromeda, (((hugs))). You have a good program, and it shows. Just wanted to chip in with a bit of support.

Tude · Senior Member

(((Andromeda))) I've been following your posts. You're recovery shows and is encouraging. I too, just want to give hugs and support. (i woudn't get rid of the gym one for now, that's a huge stress buster and anxiety buster after going awhile:)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Sending love & light))) B - you got this - one day at a time!! (((Hugs))) too! Being a finance person by education had me in a perpetual state of financial fear for a lot of my life. I had to do step work on that fear as it was gripping and kept me awake at night. I just started small, planned and budgeted and gave it to HP. You're not alone and as with all things, this too shall pass!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. I also know that if I had stayed with my bf, I'd still be in the same position because my spending is actually about the same right now since I paid for more in groceries while we were together as I used to buy stuff for his girls, etc.

Anyway, I will figure it out. I decided to just track spending for August and September and see where the money is leaking out and what is a necessity. Then, start making adjustments moving forward. I can't make tons of changes right now because I know that it will be too overwhelming what with all the change I've already been through. I just need to watch the little stuff, write up the basic budget, and see where that leads me.

I can't rely on overtime at work, but it does exist and my manager gave me the OK to take advantage of it when it's offered. That helps but it won't be permanent. In the meantime, I can focus on just tracking expenses, etc.

My big problem right now is that I have debt I accumulated over the past few years that I didn't take care of. And, my bf knew all about it and yet still asked me to cover 50% of the household expenses despite our difference in pay. I really need to do a step 4 on this mess, because my resentments are piling up right now and I'm not happy about it. I also let him talk me into buying a car for a higher payment than I was comfortable with because he made it sound like he was going to help me out. He didn't and I also have a resentment about that, as well.....sigh.

So much work to do on my self, so little time!

I'm trying to stay hopeful. i'm trying to just focus on today. I don't want to look for a higher paying job because I really did just get settled where I'm at and I like my job and I don't want to be a job hopper at my age. I can move departments in a year and try for a higher paying job (maybe 10%) in a different department in the future. I just need to hold on for a year or so, get on AND stay on a budget, and see where things go from there.

Thank you all for the support. It means so much to me. Having a rough night and really missing the good things I had with the old bf. Trying hard to get him out of my head and shifting the focus to me and my recovery.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda, i hope you didn't get mad at me for getting sorta carried away on my post, but I could SO relate to you, I was walking down the ole memory lane, what I did to adapt and life is all about ADAPTING to change which is the only guarantee in life: change...be it unwanted or wanted, change can be real scary, anger raising, but we CAN adapt and overcome.....I know you can...when things settle down, you will , wth the help of your HP within, come through this wiser and more intune to take care of you...........IN SUPPORT

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((B))) - your plan sounds solid. And yes - debt can keep us worriers awake at night. I had to keep reminding myself that I am imperfect, many have more debt than I, and I at least have the financial knowledge and awareness to sort it all out! As we've heard often - Rome was not built in a day!

You got this - I have a friend who is working FT & PT job right now. She too is settled in the FT job, and wasn't wanting to seek higher paying employment so is supplementing with an evening job. She actually loves that too so is very busy with her time but enjoying what she's doing! One Day at a Time, more will be revealed! Love and Light sweetie!!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Great things, and great awareness!!! You are such an inspiration -- your awareness, focusing on you, your calmness, serenity, and so much more. Thank you!!! It is also a great learning experience for you -- the 50% of the household expenses (despite differences in salary), the more expensive car based upon him making it sound he was going to help you out, etc. While it's easy to say "lesson learned, you'll know better for next time" etc -- that is not at all what I am saying. For me, it's about looking at me and whether or not I did the right thing for me, did I look to people please, was I co-dependent, did I accept unacceptable behavior, etc., and if so, working on that. All positive perspectives, influences, efforts!!!

Many times, I did "the right thing" when it came to money and my long-term gf, or even my wife. I looked long and hard WHY I did what I did. Long and hard. When I had a very open and honest conversation and discussion with my sponsor, and we looked at those things, I learned WHY. And I was able to make some positive changes -- and the results were amazing.

Keep doing it!!! You are doing amazing!!! Thank you so much!!!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank You, Bo! I don't often feel like much of an inspiration but I know I've come a long way since I came into program 7 years ago.

I truly appreciate everyone's support.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

andromeda wrote:
Thank You, Bo! I don't often feel like much of an inspiration but I know I've come a long way since I came into program 7 years ago.

I truly appreciate everyone's support.

You are very welcome. One thing I've seen very often -- when people in the rooms start making progress, others always seem to see it before the person sees it themselves. It's an interesting and odd dynamic. It could be our critical eye, or because we are in it and still focused on what we are still dealing with -- but others seem to see we are getting better before we do! Yes, you have come a long way -- not only in 7 years, but in the past year, and even several months!!! Just know you are in fact inspirational!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Brings tears to my eyes. I don't feel like much of an inspiration most days but there are times when I look at my life and all I feel is blessed!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Andromeda, I've watched you too for a while, now, and I am amazed and so happy for you as you have come a looong way in recovery....and Bo is right!!! You are an inspiration..Its easy to look like you have your "mud together" when life is sailin smooth, but you've had the kitchen sink tossed at you and you have done a beautiful job, learning, adjusting, working your program, taking care of you..........sending you big time support

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene