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I have been feeling very defensive toward comments this new man I met has made. He has said, your house is garbage, the basement in your house is dirty and smells, you need to deal with getting a home for your daughter (I am looking after her due to her mental illness), I love my house (he lives in huge 3 story house with 5 bedrooms upstairs, much more expensive than mine in a fancier neighborhood than mine} I get along with my ex, we have no issues not like your idiot ex bf that can come to your house anytime ( my ex bf and I have joint ownership of my house that I live in, he moved out, forced out is more the better term due to his abusive nature by the police), how come I have not been introduced to your daughter? These comments he is making is starting to rub me the wrong way bad. Saturday will be one month that I have known him. I am beginning to believe he is an active alcoholic and that even rubs me the wrong way even more. He is starting to feel like sand paper against my skin and all I see is red flags! In addition he is legally married still but say he has a legal separation agreement in place. Documents I have not seen. He makes these comments and then says he wants me to spend the weekend as his house, which I have not even considered to follow up with. Last Friday night I told him I liked him but he is getting under my skin and I am considering ending the relationship with him. That did not go well. I sense he is very needy and that bothers me as well. He is a health addict, eats very healthy and works out daily but I just do not feel comfortable with him. In fact he is not who I want to be in a long term relationship with. I am trying to remain detach and observe more and see what else he says or does. I like him but he is just rubbing me the wrong way and I think he is not good for me. I see alcoholism written all over him. During the times I have spent time with him at his home, he always was drinking a beer. The one time, I took him out to the country and told him he has to be dead sober and he was quite and withdrawn, typical alcoholic behavior. I have seen this withdrawn behavior 2x now in the past month when he was dead sober. He has a job and appears responsible for his affairs but I am getting red flags bad. He also appears very financially tight and when I have gone camping with him, he brings his own things and I bring my own things for camping. He has not taken me out on an official date outside his home but has gone camping with me 2x. I am having serious douts about this person, he talks and walks like a drunk and that makes it feel like sand paper on my skin. I have a date with him tonight and I am like do I want to hear negativity? Criticism? I am like no..I deserve better than than crap and what do I need him for anyways? I do not need him for anything at all, as I am very self sufficient and can meet my own needs. I am just having a lot of second thoughts about keeping in contact with him. I am keeping myself busy and doing my own life and trying to not consider him apart of the equation at all. I like him and he has other good qualities but..but..but...I am having douts about maintaining anything more than a fling and not get further involved with him. I have to think of him as a friend (with sexual benefits only) and leave it at that and no more. I have to be careful I do not get emotionally involved with him and involve him in my life. I have to keep him at a distance and not consider him any more than a fling and just have fun and say see you later and mean it! I have to think fun only, have fun with him only and keep my eyes open for a more suitable partner that I can be compatible with. The way I feel, he is not the real deal. He is not my cup of tea, and I am sure I am not either..as I have faults too. I just have to not be scared and stand up for myself as I have nothing to loose with this person as there is nothing to gain at all-gain? pain that is all this person will bring to me! I have to remain objective and know the best is yet to come and his sick comments are his sick opinions and I do not need him in any way or shape or form. I deserve better and I will have better!
Yes, I am learning how to spot the sick men out there and I realize there are a lot of them out there, a lot! I just have to spot them and maintain my distance! Meanwhile, I will enjoy myself with him and not expect anything in return as he has nothing worthwhile to give. Yesterday when we were talking on the phone he said does your daughter know about me, that we are seeing each other? I just about started laughing as he believes we are a item. I however, am just assessing him and trying to decide if I will continue to see him or not. I am just going to go with the flow and just continue to focus on myself and my recovery and let things be. I am grateful I am not spending every day with him. I am grateful I am seeing the red flags. I am grateful I have my own life and live on the opposite side of the city, I am grateful for my space. I am grateful I can just laugh and not take what he says seriously. I am grateful,I am not seeing him as the forever man! I am grateful I am able to see the truth and believe in myself! Now to speak my truth and to stand up for myself. I am sure when I do, he will run for the hills and be shocked that I can stand up for me, rather than react in silence to his sick words that really bother me. Every person has an opinion and I plan to stand up for my truth and if he does not like it, I do not care, as I am were I am today, because I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today and no sick man will tear me down again!
Another thing that rubbed me the wrong way is I wanted to share a writing I did, I write poetry of oppression and survival and I paint as well and he had no interest at all in my writings, I wanted him to hear. He said I will hear it another day! Yet he appears excited about my paintings I do on canvas. Black and white is what I see. Yes, no, yes, no..unstable is what I see. To me I am going to speak my truth and stand up for me, despite what he says, screw him, I have no investment in him, so if he does not like it, I do not care! I am just going to be me and have fun with him only, with an eye on protecting me and my best intrest!
Thanks for letting me share this insight I have had!
I've been divorced now for 8 years. That divorce was from the active alcoholic I had in my life.
Since that time, I've dated a few people, and each time I learn more and more about myself, how I treat others, and what behaviors I just will not tolerate.
I'm in a current dating situation right now where I've had to sit with my feelings about him for quite some time, and I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't feel happy when I'm in his presence. He is a VERY NICE man, yes. And he has calm energy the majority of the time. He's actually quite shy. But through all of that, he's also a bit of a downer, and I see qualities that I don't feel comfortable with in looking at the big picture spending a lifetime with him - isolation, aversion to crowds, irritability and impatience, he's quite messy, his health isn't very good, he only complains about his work and is constantly wanting to escape to the mountains. I did find out he's been affected by the disease of alcoholism - he's not an alcoholic himself - hallelujah!!! - but he's definitely an un-treated Al-Anon.
Long and short of it is I'm still being willing to ask myself if I want to be around this guy for who he is RIGHT NOW. Drop any fantasies of... "oh, he'd be great if he'd just... (insert some kind of change here.)"
He and I do fun activities together, yes. But he himself isn't exactly fun. For ME. We're not a right fit for each other despite some of our mutual interests.
One thing I did catch myself thinking was "Gee, if I tell him I don't want to to date him anymore, then who will I get to go hiking with?"
I watched myself think that and immediately thought "Wow, that is so, SO SELFISH!"
I have no right to keep someone on the hook for such a reason like that. Other selfish reasons I've found myself wanting to remain tied to relationships: "I don't want to be alone." "I want to feel financially secure." "I like the sex." "He validates me" "My friends won't feel sorry for me being alone" "My family doesn't want me to be alone" "I want to HAVE someone to grow old together with..." "I don't want to hurt his feelings (aka be the bad guy)" "I told him I liked him, so now I need to follow through with it" "What if he was supposed to be 'the one'? - What if I miss out??"
All of the above... SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH.
I'm coming along more and more to remember to treat people as human beings, NOT a means to an end. And boy, oh boy have I used men over and over and over in the past.
I do plan to have a conversation with him soon since I've only finally come to the above conclusion after a lot of prayer and discussion with my sponsor. (Yes, I really, REALLY wanted to feel intimately connected to him!) What will I say? "I really like you but the romance aspect of this just isn't working for me. I really do hope we can still be friends, but if you're upset, I understand."
I'll have to let God handle the rest. If my friend doesn't want to be around me anymore, then that will have to be OK. It just means God's making room for other people in my life.
One saving-grace I've had through this particular relationship was that I REFUSED to get sexually intimate with him until I came to a point where I felt like 'Yes, this is working.' I never came to that point, so we've never had sex and I can tell you I have saved myself from a LOT of guilt by doing that.
I started to respond and got distracted .. LOL .. nothing new.
Aloha's post seriously struck a strong cord with me.
Sitting with my feelings to find out how I really feel about something .. that's hard recovery work after not knowing how I felt or how to respond appropriately .. I have carried so long many unhealthy coping skills that no longer applied because I was busy trying to survive my childhood .. and that is a LOT of deprograming and it is so not fun.
I didn't get here overnight and nothing is going to be fixed in one day and some of those I am going to have to just be aware that's how I respond and choose to do something different.
In terms of your current relationship .. for me I don't want to be with someone who is putting me down or putting my life down. Not interested .. that's a whole lot of negativity to deal with and I started to put my focus on why do I think I deserve crumbs when there is a banquet available in my life. AND what was my part in attracting that emotionally unavailable person and what did I need to do to give what I wanted from someone else.
It is very easy to get caught up in someone else's behavior and not say what am I putting out that is causing others to respond in this way. If I want less negativity then I focus on being more positive .. if I want more love .. I give more love .. I give to those who can give back .. some people can't and it's not up to me to fix any of that. If this is who he is showing you he is .. believe him.
Hugs .. keep coming back .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Joker when I reached that poster on the wall with large print that said "No" is a complete sentence, I was so stunningly informed that I walked around for who knows how long practicing saying "No" so many ways so that it became believable for me and then okay to put it into my daily thinking and verbiage. It started by being a foreign language. My sponsor and the program taught me that "No" is available 24/7 and I might want to use courtesy and other positive expressions with it yet still keep it handy. I have had some times when others didn't believe me jumping up with "What! What did you say"?!! which gave me another practice time. It takes courage to say it and mean what I say without saying "NO" mean.
I was also gifted with another stunning perception by a friend who was watching a work mate deal with a separation. Her husband would call her at work begging to be allowed to come home then and she heard her friend tell her husband, "Look...I love you and like having you here and....I don't need you". When my friend was finished telling me that I got disturbed and jumped up and left her house thinking she had bought into some crap. I only got about 5 blocks and had to pull over to the side of the road and rethink what I had heard finding out that the idea and the telling of it was actually profoundly right for me. I did not need my alcoholic/addict wife though I did love her and did like having her around. I could and did get along very well without her and others who were available to me. I can take care of myself very well.
One thing I've learned through the ending of my current relationship is this: To thine own self be true!
I looked at the good in the relationship and overlooked the criticisms and condescension, the way he always talked down about other people including his own family, the way he stalked his ex wife after the divorce, etc. I justified someone else's behavior in my own mind for the sake of being in a relationship with them because I liked the sex, was attracted to them physically, and there was a decent amount of good times we were having as well.
One of the things I struggle with is knowing what is a red flag to me, and where do my own character defects come into play with it all? I would see bad behavior or find a problem in a relationship but I would write it off by saying to myself that it's my own crazy thinking making too big of a deal about it. I would deny my own needs for respect, validation of feelings, affection, or more sex/love/etc for the sake of the 'relationship'. That's not healthy, but it was a lesson I had to learn and I have a feeling that God's not done with me yet.
I would say to start with a step 4, depending on where you are at in program. Remind yourself that people put their best foot forward in relationships for the first 9-12 months usually, so if you're seeing behaviors that trouble you at this point, it might be time to look inward and analyze what you're thinking and feeling.
Hugs. I love what Aloha shared. I know I've been through much of the same!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Joker, I admire the insights you have shared, as well as all the great shares above. The only thing I would add is something I realized in my life journey: that for me there is no greater loneliness than feeling alone when someone else is there. I am glad I do not have to feel that way any more.
By the tone of your writing, I'm guessing you are seeing this as a really big personal boundaries issue. This man sounds really narcissistic. It must be nice to have all the "right" answers all the time. It's great you are aware and angry about this instead of questioning your own ability to make decisions for you and your daughter. It doesn't sound like a very fun relationship. He's "shoulding" on you about this and that. I guess if you're asking for his advice, you kind of set yourself up for "take what you like and leave the rest." Our Alanon sponsors are safe people to share with. You might want to ask yourself what you're getting out of being with him and decide whether it's worth it to you. You sound very disappointed. I think I would be too. In support of you - TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You got some GREAT responses, I liked what tired tonight said about this being a boundary issue and that you see it....and i agree....narcissistic BIG TIME and hes still married??? the good news is that #1, he is rubbing you wrong and #2, you are not justifying his awful remarks......you are aware as tiredtonight said....and the put downs to your house, saying you "should" do this and that...who the hell is HE to run YOUR life??? good on you for noticing this....I would ask myself "what is this relationship giving to me???" "what is my payoff here????" is it not wanting to be alone???? being afraid that you might not like hanging out with you and only you???? sometimes when putting up with a bad person in my life (I have not kicked them to the curb yet) I have to ASK me, "what lesson am I needing to *get* with this undesirable relationship????" like what message is my inner higher power wanting me to get so I can move past the attracting the bad relationships......I am glad that you are uncomfortable with him and that he is rubbing you the wrong way....that shows you want better...deserve better...and if he doesn't like your house??? TOO BAD!!!!! get over it!!!
Now imagine your BEST girlfriend came to you and told you THIS story: what would you tell her??? what would you HOPE she does?????
"your house is garbage, the basement in your house is dirty and smells, you need to deal with getting a home for your daughter , I love my house I get along with my ex, we have no issues not like your idiot ex bf that can come to your house anytime"
what if your BFF told you someone said the above to her??? #1, its absolutely horrid and despicable to tell someone their house is garbage and the basements stinks.....#2, if he loves his house, then he needs to stay there and leave yours alone.....and #3, if he gets along with his ex so well, why are they not together anymore????? and they "have no issues"??? really??? and who is he to judge your ex who , yea, mistreated you, but thats none of this guy's business...
I am GLAD you are not happy with this behavior which is , I hate to say, only gonna get worse as the relationship grows....this is supposed to be his "putting best foot forward" time...well?? his "best foot" is a scab ridden scabies infested foot to me.....if this is his best???? do you really want to see the "worse and real" him????
I now follow my heart, but i also do a hell of a lot of listening to my head and my instincts and the head and instincts take priority because, yes, the heart means well, but my emotions can mis-guide me.....my gut instincts don't.....
what is your gut instinct telling you???? I know you know the answer because your posts shows a sharp lady who is not in denial, but aware...most of us want loving relationships, being alone can suck, but its better than being lonely with someone who sucks at being a human being........just sayiing and sending you HUGE support...........
Someone saying "Your house is garbage" would be a deal-breaker for me. If he doesn't like my house, or approve of my house, it's up to him either to decide we're not a good match, or to say something nicely ("I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm having a little trouble with your house, it's just that I have allergies..." - or whatever). Using the word "garbage" - harsh. Kinda like he's checking to make sure I'm okay with abuse. "She puts up with it? Great, pretty soon I'll have her on the line and I can do and say what I want."
Someone who looks like they could be an alcoholic would absolutely be a deal-breaker for me. I don't want that chaos and pain in my life ever again. And I know that I can't handle being around an alcoholic well - I need to protect myself even from having repeated interactions with an alcoholic, even if I'm not involved with him. Involved with an alcoholic? I might as well just set myself on fire - the pain is about the same.
It used to be that I asked myself two questions about a man: "Does it seems like it likes me, or could be made to like me or be nice to me if I tried really hard?" and "Did I sort of have fun with him?" If these were halfway to a yes or more, I never looked to assess the guy for other things, like treating me well (over a long period of time, even! not just in the beginning!) and having no addictions.
