"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Surfergirl · Member

Hi

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Sufergirl You are not alone Living with the disease of alcoholism many of us have neglected our own needs in an effort to solve the problems created by this dreadful disease .
d Alanon is a recovery program or friends and families of alcoholic and face to face meetings are held in most communities Please check the white pages for a listing and call for a schedule. There is hope and help Keep coming back here as well

Surfergirl · Member

Thanks Hotrod, My main concern for myself is my complete and utter lack of patience with everyone, including myself, at this point. As I said there are no English meetings near me or even within a reasonable distance. So for now I will soak up all I can on the board and try to find some kind of balance.

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Hi Surfergirl,

i was with my Ex-AB for 3 years. We just recently split. I had probably been depressed for about 8-9 months, maybe longer than that. I am currently seeing a therapist, is that a possibility where you are? Depression is nothing to take lightly. I did, and I hit bottom. It was real bad. I improve a little bit every day thanks to me focusing on my own health.

The way that helped me come to terms with my situation is I was/am co-dependent. I always want to help everyone through their problems, because I didn't want anyone to go through what I've been through, alone. Then by me helping everyone else, I'm not helping or didn't help myself. I had a lot of guilt about things in my past that I brought into my future. I am currently working through how I can not so co-dependent.

I stood by my ex like I'm sure everyone here has or have stood by theirs. At the end of the day, when I had to take care of me, he was nowhere to be found. Please feel free to message me if you would like to talk privately.

Surfergirl · Member

Hi Starcatcher2 I was thinking of looking into a therapist it's just that there is usually a long waiting list here. It sounds like you and I have alot in common. I, too try to help everyone. I find that I put everyone's needs ahead of my own. Of course deep down I know this is not a good way to live but I always do it. I would like to message you but I'm still working on navigating this site. How would I go about that?

starcatcher2 · Senior Member

Hi Surfergirl,

Yes it looks like we do! I've always been that way. And although it's ok to help others out, I've really got to set up boundaries. Glad you found out how to message, I was going to send one to you to initiate the conversation.

-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Thursday 19th of July 2018 07:39:10 PM

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfergirl,
Welcome,glad you found us.......Lu

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Surfergirl!
Keep coming back!

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi y'all ma'am...

nice to see you here... we cannot help ourselves and each other, unless we have members. So welcome... smile ...

Tude · Senior Member

Hi surfergirl. When I came back to alanon this past December, I was depressed, exhausted and filled with every fear imaginable. I'm glad you're here. This program works when we work it. There are so many wonderful people on this site. Alcoholism effects all of us whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I didn't realize how much being raised in an alcoholic home effected me. Influenced my decisions in relationships, caused me to react in ways that weren't healthy. I'm married to an A and yes, have had alcoholics in my life all my life. Today I can live my life free of depression and all that goes with it by simply working on me. I made a change to take charge of my own life and dug in. I am still digging in and oh so very grateful for this program and all in it. We all learn and grow together.

Hugs and keep coming back!

Surfergirl · Member

Thank you all so much for welcoming me. I guess I'm just a little scared and not really sure where to begin this journey.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

We hold on line meetings here every day I suggest that you begin here .
The link and schedule is listed below

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfergirl wrote:
I'm new here and just looking for some peace. I live with an AH and have lived around alcoholism my whole life. Well apparently this has finally taken its toll. I have found that in the last 7 months I'm depressed and lethargic. I have just lost my zest for life. Now I can't say that this is solely because of my living situation, maybe it's not but it's definitely not helping. I need the tools to help myself and I think al-anon is where I need to be. Unfortunately there are no English meetings near me at all so I'm very thankful to have found this site.

Welcome Surfergirl...alcoholism is a very progressive, baffling, cunning, and insidious disease...BOTH for the alcoholic and the people around him/her, loved ones, etc. This disease can and does destroy lives...not just the life of the alcoholic, but again, of the people around the alcoholic.

For me, I lost my spirit and so much of what made me who I was, my enjoyment and passion for life. Alcoholism just wore me down, and the daily grind, coupled with the chaos, turmoil, havoc, and the various crises, just took a toll that completely took away my living.

So, what to do? Tools? How to help yourself, get back, and everything else? First, go to face to face alanon meetings. Go to as many as you can, as often as you can. Find meetings you like and keep going. Second, buy the daily readers -- Courage To Change and One Day At A Time -- and start using them. Read them, morning and evening. Use the index in the back for specific readings, feelings, etc. Third, pick up the various pamphlets at the meetings. There are so many excellent pamphlets that truly helped me. Last, and perhaps most important -- two things -- one, find a sponsor. Start working with him/her, start talking to him/her, regularly. And, two, start working the program. Start using the tools, the resources, the things you will be learning.

It works if you work it...so work it...you're worth it!!!

All the best.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Surfergirl.... As others have pointed out, there are online meetings within this site, that may definitely be of some significant help as you start on your recovery here. Having a variety of tool sets are a key part of us getting ourselves healthy, so even without local F2F meetings, you can post here, reach out to individuals via PM on here (both of which you are already doing!), and add things such as the online Al-Anon meetings, and then perhaps some of the many awesome books there are out there.... All these things help, and will help you know that you are NOT alone.

One of my favorite sayings, said with a smile: "Try us (Al-Anon) for six meetings. If you are not 100% satisfied, we'll gladly refund your misery." :)

Glad you found us, and keep coming back!

Tom

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Surfs up!! and Surfergal is in the family. Welcome sister and I love your humble spirit and your "courage to change". That little piece can be found in our Serenity Prayer along with a acceptance, Courage, wisdom and in time more. Canadian mentions going to 6 meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you or someone else. For me it took much much more and a longer time because of the personality I had developed being born and raised in this disease, but the program gave me a lot of grace and helped me to keep coming back over and over and over. I learned tons one thing being that my anger and rage was connected to my depression which I was finally taught was anger turned inward. That is for me. When I was depressed I was angry and rageful and very very sick.

What helped me a lot were messages like yours that suggested self love and concern and the willingness to participate with others using patience and courage. You might not know it because it may be natural and habitual and I wasn't like that. I was impatient and overly expectant.

Welcome and keep coming back. You can find so much help at MIP and other places also, just keep coming back with the courage to continue reaching out. One little powerful piece of information that is mentioned at the end of our face to face meetings is, "...If you keep and open mind, you will find help". (((((hugs))))) smile

sakina · Member

Welcome surfergirl. I totally understand what you're feeling. My husband is an alcoholic/addict.
Before coming to Al Anon, for so long I thought I was going insane. Every day felt chaotic and hopeless to me... many mornings I didn't want to get up out of bed. I used to wish I could just not wake up or have to face the world. Then felt guilty for such thoughts. Lots of anger & resentment toward my AH (still working through that). I wondered why he couldn't just change...? Feeling alone in what I was going through, was the hardest part.

What I found in Al Anon is that we're not alone. Here there are people who understand, listen and love me without judgement.
And I found a better way to live by detaching from my AH with love. The three C's of Al Anon helped me with it.
We didnt cause it (the other person's drinking)
We can't control it
We can't cure it

My AH's behavior and the consequences are his. I can control my own behavior and how I choose to live.
Change for me isn't easy, it isn't perfect but it works if you work it. Meetings, CAL literature help me and learning about codependency.
I love coming here to read everyone's posts too... this forum is very inspiring to me, hearing others journey and ESH.
Keep coming back :)

Surfergirl · Member

Thank you all so much. I feel so much less alone already just knowing I'm not the first to feel this way. Sakina I can totally relate to not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I find myself lying there longer and longer when I can. Although I'm highly doubtful about finding a local English f2f meeting I'm going to continue looking into it.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was living with the insanity of an active alcoholic, I remember thinking that "nobody in the world could possibly understand the chaos that was my daily life". Then I picked up a copy of Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober, Volume One", and there I was, splashed all over the pages of chapters one, two, three! Amazing!! You're right - MIP is a great place for this same type of support - many of us are either where you are today, or have gone through what you are going through today.

Keep coming back

Tom

Surfergirl · Member

Thanks Canadianguy. I'm going to look for that book. I'm so thankful to have found you all. I feel like maybe there is a way to keep going where the other day I didn't. I was tired and beaten down by someone else's disease. Today I feel that there is hope for me to get back to what I once was.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"