LINKS

Al-Anon Group Home Page
Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room
Site Technical Problems or Questions?
Step Work Board - A Step every month!
Online Meeting Schedules


Al-Anon Family Group
Message Board

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"Real" Al-Anon Meeting Directory


A new step every month in the order they were written!


Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: He was going to PROPOSE??


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1164
Date:
He was going to PROPOSE??


After I told my bf NO to his ridiculous request from my other thread....

His next text was, "You still have to let me know how we broke up in one week sometime in the near future. I'm still shocked.....I was planning on proposing this week and maybe that's why I'm shocked."

Ummm, proposing? From the man who swears he'll never ever get married again? Who's been so hyper focused on screwing it to his ex financially over the last 2 months and grumbling about marriage and divorce, etc? From the man who makes fun of his friends when they decide to get married a second time? Who made fun of my friend last month and said, "Has S come to her senses yet and decided to NOT get married?" When I challenged him on all this, he said, "I was just teasing. I thought you'd be thinking of it while you were there and trying to throw you off."

Umm, again....NO. I almost asked to see a ring receipt but I decided to step off the merry go round since I honestly wasn't interested in marrying him anyway and am pretty certain it is a manipulative ruse to get me to change my mind. He's grasping at straws to keep control of me. he's losing the $1500 a month i was paying him, too. He loses the woman who folds everybody's laundry, the one who gives him back rubs on demand, the one who's mostly agreeable and goes along to get along and who doesn't ask for much in return. His kids are losing a great stepmom too, and I hope he realizes how hard that will be for them.

He's losing a battle and he hates to lose. He is highly competitive and I know this game because my XAH tried to play similar crap with me. I'm not buying it. I was done a few months ago, I just hadn't decided when I was going to pull the plug. It was a culmination of things since March that really kept pushing me to listen to my intuition. I had looked at rentals in April but hadn't found what I wanted so I just kept waiting. We didn't break up in 'one week'.

And, I love how he can go from accusing me of cheating last week to now saying he was going to propose??? On a work incentive trip, no less, and with his kids there? Gee, that sounds so romantic!

So, I am just ignoring his attempts to defend his position. I'm done engaging unless it's something we need to talk about logistically. And, honestly, I don't need to explain anything to him about why I ended things. I made a choice to NOT be in a relationship with him, it wasn't working for me. That's a good enough reason and I know it hurts to hear someone just say it that way but any other explanation will not sink in with him. He isn't ready to see his part, he doesn't understand the dynamic we had. He seems clueless as to how he truly 'is' in a relationship. I hope he does meet someone who can help him see.......but truly on God can do that with his help!



__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 110
Date:

Andromeda I'm sorry to hear about the silly mind games he's playing. Last year in an attempt to keep me from leaving I got a drunken text message proposal. When he went back and read it (when he was sober) I got no response. It was then that I realized I Would never be the one for him. Regardless of what I did for him or his kids. How heartbreaking to hear those words from someone so angry.

I hope you find peace, regardless if it's with or without him.


__________________

Hugs to you. May your path be bright.

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 996
Date:

To me, this is another situation where we can look at -- and focus on -- ourselves. I've learned over my many years in program, my experience is that it doesn't matter what the other person is doing or was going to do. It doesn't matter if it is true, false, posturing, guilt, blame, whatever. It is an opportunity to look at me -- and for me to do the next right thing, for me, for me to be happy and healthy. Propose? OK, what I would I have done. Say no. OK, why? What's acceptable, not acceptable, what do I want, what's best for me, etc. The screwing his ex, financially, speaks volumes to me. For me, that's who a person is. I don't care if it's vindictive, opportunistic, retribution, whatever -- it doesn't matter. I don't judge, I look at who a person is, is being. It's obvious that of course he has an answer that suits his argument/position when challenged on it. Me, I don't challenge. To what end?

I love how you decided to step off the merry-go-round!!! I love it!!! I absolutely see it has manipulation, more, the manipulative blame -- see, now you don't get it and it's your doing, your fault, etc. Gee, thanks...for nothing! LOL. No kidding it wasn't in one week. Throughout this entire saga, you kept your head where your feet were, kept grounded, and kept focusing on you. I admire and respect everything you've done. I agree that you don't need to explain -- nor do you need to be an audience for him todefend his position, make statements, point fingers, blame, manipulate, etc. Being done engaging -- is detachment, from the unhealthy person and unhealthy situation. That too is good for you. When I ended things with my ex, I limited my language to "this is not healthy for me" and "I am not happy" and simply me keeping it in the I...I...I...and never once saying you did this or you did that, nothing about you, you, you.

My ex too was clueless. There's many reasons why a person can be in this place -- and again, while I don't analyze, my ex was emotionally incapable of feeling love, joy, happiness. She was emotionally empty and not able to bring in, generate, and sustain love. Some people tend to lash out at the person they (think) they love -- but what they think is so distorted, so based upon poor history, facts, circumstances, etc. My ex was emotionally bankrupt. She had no idea how she was -- what type of person she was -- inside of a relationship. Before, when I was unhealthy, I wanted her to see her role, and when she couldn't...I wanted to show her! I wanted to prove, I wanted to be right.

Anyway -- congratulations on all the great things that are happening for you. You deserve it -- and more -- and the more, the abundance, will come to you.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1075
Date:

Andromeda, you sound so strong, so sure of yourself!! Great! It looks great on you!!

Not that you need validation, but you are SO right... this was just a ploy to get you to come back into his circle of crazy!!

Stay strong, sista!!

Peace to you!

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 282
Date:

This will be a test of your recovery also Andromeda. When I finally accepted as real and true that Alcoholism, not only the drinking side, was a disease of the mind, the body, the spirit and the emotions the craziness started to make sense and I was able to make and stick to my decisions for my own recovery. Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))smile



__________________
Jerry F
a4l


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1024
Date:

I admire your strength. It is really cool to witness. Knowing that there are times when the deep need to be loved can have me hesitating to see if the sheep is really a sheep despite having seen the wolves jaws beneath the veneer. Really great example of recovery at work, thanks for sharing it.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1164
Date:

Thank you all for sharing! a4l, I've gotten over the need to be loved by him, lol. I'm ready to continue growing in loving myself. Toxic and dysfunctional love is NOT where it's at!

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3221
Date:

It really sounds like he just utterly validated every concern you had in terms of the orange flags waving that are fully red.

Some of what you shared just never sounded like you both had the same agenda going and he certainly likes to hold the carrot out there to say see what you could have had and oh look it's YOUR fault you won't have it.

Umm .. yah .. no thank you. You are totally on the right track.

Hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1164
Date:

Thanks Serenity. I certainly hope so. If I'm honest. I'm reeling from that revelation, even if I believe it's false.

I'm in anger phase right now and it does not look good on me. I know he's also going through his own phases of thought and processing, etc. He didn't know anything was amiss or wrong because he never really heard me. When your girlfriend says she has felt emotionally disconnected from you and you say, "Well, that's on you!" and then you propose??? WTF? How could he possibly be shocked? Is he just not capable of processing things from another perspective? Oh right......I know that answer, geez.

I am just having a hard time with everything, you know. I knew months ago I was probably going to leave but I was thinking August or September. I hadn't worked out a solid plan. I wasn't planning on things unfolding as they did. I know that if we had been married or had kids together, I might have tried to work things out or tried counseling, etc. But, I knew that it probably would be attempted in vain. There's just no point in me trying to convince him to see my side. Just like dealing with an alcoholic. I'm so grateful for program!

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3221
Date:

It's not where you are going to stay the anger part of it and it's going to vacillate hard so I really hope you take care of yourself. Be gentle on the days that it seems like what am I doing, this was a mistake .. and hang on to the days that feel good .. because like I said it will be different than your divorce. in some ways the divorce ending comes back stronger or my observations I should say seem that way when I talk to others who have been through the first "real" break up after the divorce.

These are just my opinions and observations of what I have witnessed others go through.

Hang on sis .. it's going to get better .. however it's got to get different first.

S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay

a4l


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1024
Date:

You are so right Andromeda. Just incase I came across the wrong way, I was definitely referring to my own historic trait of beleiving/fearing that there was a limited supply of love. Honestly, situations like the one you have described would have me in the throws of anxiety. I still have to watch that. It is so cool watching others grow and thrive. It reminds me that there is hope and not to give up.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3582
Date:

Wow, this is certainly a twist in the story, isn't it? Let's say he was going to propose. (In between accusations that you were cheating.) Why mention it now? Why not just shake his head sadly and think to himself, "Good thing I didn't embarrass myself like that - I didn't realize that our relationship wasn't on such a strong footing." Instead he's trying to throw it in your face like "Look what you missed out on, Miss Uppity Pants!" Like, "See, if only you'd kept quiet, you could be Engaged To Me!!" As if you'd been deliriously happy up till last week, and would have accepted with joy, and then all of a sudden one day for no reason you decided, "Naw, I think actually I'll leave." He's really showing how irrationally he thinks when he gets angry. Just - golly. {{{Hugs}}}



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1164
Date:

Ha, Mattie, that's a great question. As I've noted before, he's losing control. He's stuck on a cruise ship with limited cell access and here I am moving out of HIS house. He probably doesn't know what to think. What am I taking? Am I damaging the house? why am I really leaving?

This man is used to getting what he wants. And, being stuck on a cruise isn't helping him find his land legs, so to speak, and I'm sure he's completely off balance. I'm just doing the next right thing over here, taking care of the house, watering the plants, feeding the animals, and MOVING OUT!

I'm sure he's devising all kinds of questions, plans to retaliate, etc. But, he's been battling his ex over child support lately so I don't think he'll have much energy to fight me very hard. We'll see. I hope he just lets me go once he gets back and gets settled into a regular routine. He needs to get back on some dating apps fast.......leave me and the ex alone, for god's sake!

I am so excited but I'm also going broke trying to get this new house off the ground. I need to buy stupid stuff like dish soap, toiletries, soap dispensers, and all kinds of things that I donated or got rid of when I moved in with my bf. You know, like LAMPS....I don't have a lamp. So weird. And, a coffee maker. And, a hand mixer since mine had broken shortly before I moved in with him. I have no artwork anymore. I donated it all. It's weird to start all over after 2 years of living together.

Thank you all for allowing me to come here and vent. It is very cleansing for me and I know I need it!



__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1209
Date:

I'm ready to continue growing in loving myself. Toxic and dysfunctional love is NOT where it's at!


(((((((((((((((Andromeda)))))))))))))))))) you sound so wonderfully strong and balanced and centered...LOVE it LOVE it.....and now the proposal that you know is manipulation and you are aware.......Aware that this relationship is toxic...You want to be in a better place....His place, you've outgrown ....and I agree with Bo about the "screwing his X financially" that speaks volumes about where he is, what he is and its just not healthy..

I am sooooo proud of you, coming so far since I have known you here...I'm glad I decided to stop and and surf the posts.....this makes me smile..When I see a recovery mate applying the program and standing to it.................GOOD job!!! GREAT job!!!!



__________________

Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2841
Date:

When it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck.... sometimes, it really IS a duck!

Sounds like a wee bit of passive/aggressive manipulation onhis part??? I agree with the other comments - good exercise for you to be able to stay on your own side of the street.

T



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3221
Date:

QUACKER!!!!

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them. They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1075
Date:

Hey Andromeda, I see a YARD SALE in your future! LOL!!

My son and I got almost everything we needed for our new place via yard sale. He loves to peruse yard sales, and I love vintage stuff, so we had a great time!
I am hoping you find what you need, fast!

((((Andromeda))))

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1164
Date:

Hey, Posies, I just bought two fabric counter height barstools in a beautiful blue/green/tan floral pattern today at a second hand shop! I love shopping for bargains. I'm holding off on buying a dining set because I'm hoping I can find one used online. I do not buy mattresses or couches (fabric) used. That's where I draw the line, lol. But, everything else I'll shop for bargains and used stuff. It's part of the fun to bring it all together.

And, yes, quack quack! He hasn't contacted me since I didn't respond to his last defense against the proposal. I hope he's giving up on that one. Once they all get back on Saturday, though, he may try to reach out and get me to give him my reasons for leaving. His kids will be going to their moms on Sunday which leaves him with a very empty house alone and gives him time to think and when he has time to think, it's not always good. He likes to scheme, come up with offensive moves, etc.....he's very much like a lawyer. Anyway, I will need to be on guard and have some strength saved up. I have a feeling I'm going to need it!

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 703
Date:

Miracles are us--haven't tried to post in a long time and haven't been kicked off by my computer so far.

Bonnie, I think you are the Poster Girl for graceful exits. Being able to do it while BF is busy elsewhere seems like a Universal blessing, from this vantage point.

Had a thought--you know the man, I don't. I wonder what you think about having his brother or someone take a walk through with you when you leave and take pictures or videos of how you are leaving the house--and then leave the key with someone? All with documented times? Just in light of your last paragraph. I think surely you'd never need it, but it might give you a feeling of calm.

All best
Temple



__________________

It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1308
Date:

It's easy to spot the manipulation tactics the alcoholic uses - and I hate to say it - it's easy to spot because I would play those games, too.

The great thing is you spotted it for what it was and didn't join the dance.

Now you get to bring your focus back to yourself and keep working on taking good care of yourself and growing in your recovery.

Remember in your exit: JADE - You don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself to him. When an active alcoholic asks such questions it's because they're looking for another argument and more loopholes to tap-dance around.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1075
Date:

Andromeda - They sound great! Yes, I agree with you... that IS the fun of bringing it all together! Hope you find a great dining set!

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.