The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to meditate a lot on HALT lately. I think loneliness is one of my core issues. The A can manipulate me a lot on that because I so often feel totally left out of his life. He will go off with his friends/workers/whoever and I will feel totally left out. This all came to a head for me before I got into al-anon when he was spending all of his time with one of his friends. He even spent my birthday with them. I have virtually stopped doing birthdays because I was so hurt. What I need to do is actually stop doing birthdays with him because he is so fickle I never know what way he will be one moment to the next.
I think a lot of my stuckness and a great deal of the core of my dysfunctional behavior which I am now willing to admit includes over eating (I have been doing that a lot lately) is tremendous aching raw loneliness. I am able to look at it at the moment and not medicate it. I would very much welcome other people's esh on this issue.
Maresie - I remember the year my ex and I split - he spent my birthday with his girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time - I thought he was "just at the bar"). I spent that day so alone and miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Coming from a dysfunctional family as well, my birthday of course was not important to them either. I've learned to do nice things for me for my birthday. RIght now, my favorite conference happens to be right around the date of my birthday (end of April) so I spend it in a nice hotel with all my AA/Alanon friends and dance like crazy (and believe me, I do dance crazy! - I was afraid to dance in front of people for so long - until I really watched how they do it!). I've curled up in a corner with a good book and a few sweet treats. I've gone to the movies. I've had lunch with a friend. The hardest thing for me when it comes to this is my expectations. When I expect people who have a track record of ignoring something special to me to make a big deal of it, I am guaranteed to get let down. So I've learned I just have to do my own special thing. Yes, sometimes there is still a pang of loneliness. But I get past it and usually end up enjoying myself.
I remember my first Christmas on my own. My husband had just left a few months before and the kids were spending it with them. For 6 weeks I was miserable, forecasting the coming sadness and loneliness and pathetic state of my life. On Christmas itself, I had a nice day. So...I wasted 6 weeks in pure misery.
My sponsor one time asked me if I could live with being alone today. I thought about it. I realized that the chances of me meeting someone, dating someone, getting engaged to someone and getting married - today - were slim to none, I decided that yes, for today I could deal with it. And that's all I've had to do - for 11 years now. Sometimes I still get lonely. But it doesn't have the power to swallow me up like it used to as long as I'm not projecting that I'm going to be alone "forever" and become the old lady with the 87 cats...lol.
Hi Maresie as Karen said it is your birthday. You can choose to have a great day as soon as you wake up and treat yourself. Whatever the occasion you should always take the time to spoil yourself. Even if it is a facial, haircut etc. You know even having the A's around on your special days can be lonely. Empower yourself, you are worthy of it. For me having lost a lot of friends at an early age to cancer etc I consider it a gift to still be alive. Admittedly like you I have down days but it is usually because I allow someone else to engage me and I react to it. I love reading all your posts. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
I know what that lonliness feels like. I think that is a core problem for me as well. I've spent a great deal of my life alone, even as a child. I started coming home by myself at 8 years old. The house felt so empty and I felt so lonely and sometimes afraid. I began overeating around this age too. I guess I found something to fill the void and it felt good so I kept doing it. Some evenings in college I felt like I was the only person in the world. The lonliness would grip me and I remember thinking that when I finally had a family of my own I wouldn't feel so lonely. The lonliness I feel sometimes now comes from wanting a deeper connection with my "a" and other people. I didn't keep the connections outside of the home after I got involved with my "a". I realize now that he can't be my only resource to happiness, and I need to reconnect with people in my world and my community. I have started going more places with my "a" and doing more things that he likes to do as well. He has been receptive to it, and has envited me to go with him to some of these places. I forgot how much I enjoyed music. I was so miserable that I couldn't enjoy his music or even the music that I liked. I have noticed my overeating bouts are becoming fewer and far between. I feel like I want to fill my time reading, journaling, playing with the kids, talking to my "a", talking to friends or family on the phone. Whatever the need I have I'm trying to give it what it needs to fill my soul and feed it with good things.
I can remember the last time I felt that aweful empty pit of lonliness so intensely. I was in Tennessee in the mountains with a girlfriend of mine. We stayed for a week, and every morning that week I woke up and walked the trails and enjoyed the beauty before me. I knew in my spirit that my life was going to change dramatically and I would have to fight to get time alone. Man did it ever. I still feel the emptiness some times. I take those lonley times one day at a time. Recently I've been working on the motto of "Easy Does It". We have to be gentle with ourselves during these times, because no one knows your heart and mind like you or your HP does. Be good to you.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I had this yesterday.I kept going to the fridge looking in the cabinets ,I WANTED something.After eating several different things (but not bingeing) I started to realize what I wanted.I wanted to be held.I wanted to feel loved.I am married to an A but if you've read my other posts you know that the marriage is over.He has found someone online that he says he loves.I have battled my weight most of my marriage (which is most of my life).But the past few years I have been trying to find out what was behind the overeating and I have discovered that it is a horrible aching lonliness.
This loneliness and hunger to be loved did not just start however.I grew up in an alcoholic home, my dad was the A.My mom was always moving trying to get away from him but he would always find us.He hit her,I was always so scared.My mom raised 7 kids on waitress jobs.But she was away alot working and then when she was home she was tired or busy cleaning.She did the best she could I understand that.But I grew up without my love tank having anything in it.She was an alanon who never found alanon.All of my siblings became A's too.(I am the only one who didn't, and my mom of course)At 17 when a friend set up a date with her brother and me my mom let me go.He was 27 and he thought I was beautiful.Treated me like a queen.I fell for that because it was attention I had never gotten.I married him 9 months later and even though I knew it was a mistake on the honeymoon, I didn't want to go home.Couldn't stand to go back to the misery there.So I turned to food and he turned to alcohol.He didn't want to go home either.Neither of us got any needs met but our sicknesses kept us together.Now I am working to unravel my own habit of running to food to dull the ache,the emptiness,the hunger for love.So last night I let myself feel it.It was painful but food is not the answer.It only masks the problem, in a way like alcohol does.
If you have not been using the food long, don't go down that road.It will only add more problems.Deal with the feelings.I wish I had long ago.Now I have high cholesterol and prediabetes from it.Not worth it.
