The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a strong memory character and much rather have that triggered gently than to find myself in the middle of the sights and sounds and smells and emotions of when I first learned how to inventory the what the when the where and who what was my part in it. I don't have much of a defense against reliving the past other than to just relive it and think what it could be the next time if there is a next time. My former sponsor has been dead for years physically yet fully alive in all other senses of the word. He walks and talks with my HP and the two of them are a effective pair seeing to it that I continue to work it as it has worked me.
My sponsor once after a face to face get together I blamed my alcoholic/addict for and really handled badly ...asked me, "why not choose how you want a thing to come out before you act"? Rocket Science...I was always in the impression I was blameless and that life just happened to me accidently without my participation other than how to respond to it. "So what is your part in it" never occurred to me and I was still in the clueless stages of recovery. Choose before it happens, before I respond??
The thought of that made me feel powerful and in control of my life and I wanted to try it of course part of how things came out would have to include me being a nice guy, a gentleman and supportive and helpful person yet I didn't have much history with that. I had lots of the opposites that brought shame and caused me to feel appalled at my behavior for the first time ever in a meeting. I came to understand that I could hurt others in the very same way I was hurt with the same complaints and blames. Feeling Appalled is a deep down, pit of the stomach and core of the spirit emotion and caused me physical sickness. I did and do exactly what I blamed the alcoholic/addict and others with the same outcomes...I do it without an ounce of alcohol in my system and still it uses all of the levels the disease does...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Our disease is truly mind and mood altering and cunning, powerful and baffling.
I am remembering walking with my current wife along the store fronts of Hilo when we first got here and was brought to a standstill upon seeing the back of a tee shirt on a lady walking just in front of us...it read...(pardon the language) "instant asshole...just add alcohol" My wife and I both agree. Today I know and live with the sponsor wisdom, "it's a choice" ...I have only myself to blame.
Great share Jerry - thank you for your honesty and ESH. I am reminded today, just for today, how very powerful this disease is and how powerless I am...my youngest has relapsed and there is a gut-wrenching pull in the pit of my stomach and extreme fear in my heart. I am doing all that I can to stay present, in this moment on this day and not panic or project in spite of the power of this disease and where it can take us all.
I am angry, frustrated, disappointed, mad, sad and probably more - but not at my child....it's the disease that is ever-present and patiently waits to bring about it's chaos and insanity on the A as well as those who love the A. There is 'nobody' to blame...it's just a shame and all I can do is pray and ensure my program is tight and my support is tighter.
Yet, I have been down this road before and HP has amazed and surprised me each time. While this is a part of my journey I would prefer to avoid or deny, I can't. I am choosing to have hope in the face of the disease and just for today, to do the next right thing.
(((Hugs))) my brother - any prayers you can spare are appreciated!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like that piece of rocket science very well. Most of my life I've been accused of being cold. Then in my 30's, I suddenly found this tempestuous little storm child who reacts reacts reacts. Lol. Why not choose the desired outcome indeed? Thank you for passing this on!
IAH.."Yet, I have been down this road before and HP has amazed and surprised me each time. While this is a part of my journey I would prefer to avoid or deny, I can't. I am choosing to have hope in the face of the disease and just for today, to do the next right thing." Good lead doing it with you. (((hugs)))
((Jerry)) great story Thanks to program I too have learned to do "the next right thing " and not react as an instant a***hol** even without alcohol as I once did
I love reading how the program works with you!
Peace!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Jerry))) (((Betty)))) and (((A41))) Oh yea, me too, ya'll.....just ODAT, doing the "next right thing" as Betty said and even tho I am not an alcoholic, I have the "isms" of one and w/out program, I can go into A-hole mode real quick.....program keeps me emotionally sober one day at a time...and ya know, PnP, I love watching the program on you, my little friend...WOW!!! You've grown big time since I first began reading your posts....
It is amazing how my life goes on and comes about when I remember to take the time often just a few minutes to decide and see how I want it to come out. No we are not about perfection but getting "close" is often like a million miles away from the trouble I could and use to find doing it the reaction way using my ego often. Daily practice using our tools...as many as we have to use and then also the tools of those who journey with us.
I have been asked in the past by the "watchers", those who have witnessed the process and the outcome..."How do you do that"? and then I share how it goes on with me I also get to ask, "How do YOU do it" and learn another available method. I use to sit with the fellowship before and after meetings and pick their minds and experiences as allowed. "How do you see this"? "How did it come out for you"? It was in this method and experience that a recovering woman gave me the wisdom of "No" is a full sentence and I was so enthralled with that, that I practiced it almost daily for the longest period of time watching the reactions from those I used it with. The enabler started to smile and walk away from getting in trouble. Thank you HP...sooooo much. Said with compassion, and empathy and the lack of anger and resentment it is freeing.
