The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses detachment. Detachment is suggested as the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs. This freedom allows us to keep our own identity and still love, care about and identify with the feelings of others.
The writer suggests that our degree of humanity can be measured by our ability to know another person's pain and joy. No matter how long we've been in program, when a new member shares and we feel their pain with compassion and understanding, we are witnessing and participating in part of the Al-Anon success story.
We learn in recovery that we don't have to like everything an A loved one says or does, nor do we have to change them - even when we think they are wrong. We learn instead how to care without taking everything personally.
Reminder -- I can detach and still love, still feel. I can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs. Today I can detach without losing compassion.
Quote of the day from George Herbert -- "Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge."
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Detachment helped me see and experience life from my own place in it. Before recovery, my definition of love, help, caring, marriage, etc. was distorted where I believed that 'two shall become one'....while this is quoted often in marriage vows, it doesn't suggest we merge together and all issues, problems, etc. are shared. What it says to me today is two people can carry a table way easier than one by working on opposite sides of the lift.
Recovery has taught me that being my own best friend and taking good care of me gives me the confidence to be of service to others without falling into the pit. I am able to live my live my life today in support of others instead of managing, suggesting, ordering, etc. others. I allow others to be and do who they need to be and do and know that what they believe, say and think of me is not about me. Prior to recovery, words did hurt and I wore my pain in public placing blame always beyond me. Today I know they are just words coming from another who is sick and in pain, and not a reflection on me at all.
I love that we are given a chance each day to reflect on our day, assess what went well and what could be improved and to own our 'stuff'. I am able and willing to make any amends necessary, and can keep moving forward. I can wake each day with a fresh slate of mind space to observe, participate and enjoy this day and leave yesterday and the past where they belong.
Detachment is a necessary step for my personal recovery and one of many concepts that help me with others beyond my A(s)...it allowed me the personal space I needed to see the facts and my truth, forgive myself and others and to stay on my side of the street in the middle of storms. I saw a quote last night that suggested, "There are some who stir up drama all around them, and are then upset when it rains..." I could relate as a part of my past, and felt gratitude it's not a part of my present.
Happy Thursday MIP. Still resting my back yet playing softball later tonight. We'll see how that goes - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning IAH Detachment is indeed a powerful tool in my alanon tool box. I love how alanon explains that "detachment" is not bad or good, it is simply a way to be present to a situation without becoming emotionally involved.
i needed this tool badly. When I finally learned and accepted the simple fact that loving someone does no mean I have to fix all their problems, Instead, being present and understanding is a gift I can give through detachment and I am oh so grateful for this
Have a great day and thanks for your service
Good morning, MIP!
IAH, thank you for your service today. I really got a lot out of your summary of the reading.
Detachment is something I really struggle with in my marriage. So far in my program work, I've gotten good at the "this does not impact me" detachment. What I find much harder to do, and have been struggling with lately, is the kind of detachment I need when I would like help (carrying a table, for example) and am not getting it. So far, I've been moving forward with the "I see you have decided not to help (carry the table). The (table needs to be carried). If you weren't here, I would carry it myself, and I will do that now as well." approach. The piece that I struggle with is that this doesn't feel like a partnership. Of course, I would mow the grass and cook and do the dishes and clean the house and do the laundry and clean the litter boxes if I were not married and living alone. But I am married and I am not living alone. I'm not resentful, thanks to the program tools, but I'm also not sure how to detach from the disappointment of not having a partner.
I think I'm going to come back to this reading throughout the day as I think about this. I'm sure with more practice, I'm going to get better at the balance between what is mine and what is not mine.
I'm thankful the holiday is over. The dogs HATE fireworks and thunder. We had both yesterday, which made for a coupe of anxious buddies.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I just got done reading this for today. I got to my daily reading to almost at the end of the day. I was really missing my uncle this morning and I made sure to call him and check up on how he is doing.
Detachment will always be a forever ongoing issue. I don't think I will ever get it right but a lot of it just has to do with my mood.
Great post.
