Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Godsdaughter · Veteran Member

How important is a Ring?

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi GD,

I'm sorry to hear that this is occupying your thoughts today.

In your post, it seems to me that you are saying that you aren't upset THAT the ring was lost or THAT AH is not wearing it, but you ARE upset that he did not tell you and you ARE upset that he doesn't remember accurately who purchased the bands.

I'm glad that you discussed this with your sponsor. I wonder, are you more uneasy that he isn't wearing the ring? Are you afraid that something might happen (and if so what) if he isn't wearing the band? Or, are you more uneasy that he held back the information about the lost band for 6 months? Or, are you more uneasy that he is in his own mind is taking credit for something you did? Or a combination of these?

I'm not sure that more questions are helpful, they are just what came to mind. You don't have to answer them for anyone but yourself, and you can also ignore them.

When I am faced with situations like this, I like to use the slogan "Awareness - Acceptance - Action"

I become aware of something, and I explore my thoughts and emotions about it (usually in writing). Then, I accept it for what it is - the fact, my thoughts about the fact, and my emotions about the fact. I try to make this a non-judgmental observation. (This isn't easy for me). Then comes action - what do I want to do about the fact? I remind myself at this point that deciding not to do anything right now is also a decision, and that makes it an action. So, I can decide to do something about it, or I can decide to not do something about it. Either way, I've made a decision about what I want to do, and that helps me to let go of uneasiness and resentment.

Anyway, that is what works for me to get rid of those obsessive thoughts.

I hope you make today a great day.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey GD - I too am sorry this situation is occupying your mind. I suppose that yes - the entire situation would have bothered me early in recovery or before recovery. What I've discovered is that I often expect others to have values and morals that mirror mine, especially those I live with, love or gave birth to! Yet, my sponsor reminds me over and over again that my expectation(s) of others are not realistic. I have ideas and definitions in my mind of what honesty, integrity, accountability, etc. look like and I'll be darned if nobody else has the same idea. Case in point - we had a small book study a few years back. The topic of gossip came up. Mind you, we were all women and we were all in recovery.

What I found out is that a topic that's even covered in recovery doesn't have the same meaning for all. I do not every share anything told to me - good news or bad news - simply because it's not part of my story or mine to share. Another felt that it was OK to share about a fellow friend who had a car wreck so we could all pray. The problem is the wreck wasn't bad, the only reason this person knew is she was called for a ride, and by the time the mutual friend made it to a meeting, everyone was fawning over her and it made her very uncomfortable. So - even innocent choices, made with no malice, can be perceived differently by like minded people.

What I know to do based on the program tools is to pause long enough to determine what is actually bothering me and then pray about it. In my case, I am very cautious about 'what battles I pick' and typically don't bother to raise issues unless it's truly hurting me or potentially hurting them. I then use I statements completely and make it about what I feel or see and not about them and what they did/did not do. All 3 of my guys are guilty of the lie by omission choice. It's not how I roll but I am powerless over other people, places and things...

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Seems to me that the answer is more important for you than for him and maybe some others. You place a lot of faith and importance on it and your relationship than he does and also he and you have different opinions about it and how you value each other. Is that ever so normal. My wedding ring experience is some what same and some what different. I am not wearing mine because my fingers have grown thick (fat Jerry...Fat) and the ring sticks and I work with tools and get afraid of negative outcomes if I happen to jam anything around the ring. The solution between both my wife and I is get the ring resized so I can readily remove it and replace it as needed for safety both in work and in marriage. The ring is important to me cause as I look at it I can see her also. I don't fool around so that's not an item. Keep coming back...((((hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry (((brother))) - your post reminded me that I don't wear mine any longer either. I have a huge wedding set that was absolutely lovely to wear when I was employed outside the home and dressed nicely each day. I have this (bad) habit of sticking up my left hand when the softball is coming on that side instead of using my glove on the right hand so have broken my ring finger (and others) so many times, mine no longer fits either. I wore a gold band for a long while and got it hooked on a tool pulling weeds and just put them up. My husband has never worn his as it bothered him at work and then rubbed blisters/worse during his golf habit.

It's never bothered me that he doesn't wear his as I understand. I did have to ask - he didn't offer it. He's never said anything about mine and I've not worn it for about 15 years -- give/take. I do pull it out when I dress up - I just rarely do so...

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

In alanon we hear the phrase...how important is it?

I've always felt that each person has to decide for themselves "how important" whatever "it" might be is in fact.

To each their own. For me, whatever "it" is -- it is important if it is making a statement. That tells me something. While I don't analyze and try and figure out an alcoholic's behavior, what they are doing, why, what they are saying, etc. -- sometimes, something like this, something simple, can make a statement. That can be important to me. It can be reflective of something important. It can be indicative of something important.

For me, in and of itself, who knows, but as one ingredient in a recipe, it can be important.

Godsdaughter · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone! All feedback was great! Thank you! I don't have control over another person and i know what i do or don't do is what is important. I am no longer obsessing over it.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((GD))) - good on you for asking for ESH and getting to the other side.....for me, sharing splits the issue into half or more and really does help me heal or deal. Happy 4th!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene