Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Cant (or won't) let go

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Big hugs,

I heard here that justifiable resentments were truly the worst and hardest to let go of. It really sounds like you are working the strongest program you can given the circumstances .. boy it is hard .. when I smell alcohol laced puke (from my youngest in this case) it takes me right back to my X and what it was like .. those are tough moments to move past. I have to remind myself I can't change it that to me is the 4th C .. I can't change the past .. and the only thing I can do is learn from it and release the intense emotions it can provoke .. that one though caught me off guard in a moment of I just can't keep going back there because I have already lived it and it's really my choice if I stay there or not.

Hugs S :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Lyne - sometimes we just have to feel the feelings. What's helped me is my sponsor will drill me - really asking probing questions to get to the bottom of my feelings. More often than not, for me, my anger in the making has everything to do with fear - fear I won't get what I want/need or fear of the future. When I feel 'this' stuff welling up inside of me now, I too work to Let God and Let go....something else that has really helped me and sounds so basic - my sponsor would have me shut my eyes, and kind of meditate - suggesting that it's 10:14am on 6/29 a Friday. Right here and right now, you are OK, safe and sound.

One of the first things I learned in recovery is that resentments are the number one offender - for relapse - both sides of the program. We talk on the other side often/always that there are no such things as justifiable resentments. Way easier said than done. I believe the premise is when we are focusing on self, trusting God and practicing unconditional acceptance, it stands to reason that imperfect people will fail us over and over again. Again, easier said than done.

Love that you have the awareness to hold on to your thoughts/feelings until the next therapy session. That certainly sounds like a good plan to me. I am one who always takes things to my sponsor ASAP as my mind/thoughts can really make mountains out of ant hills in record time. I'm glad that you shared here, and hope that has given you some relief! (((Hugs)))

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Lyne))))))

Wishing you peace this weekend!

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Lyne)))

I Personally have Always Struggled with Resentments, its One of my Many Character Defects, so I had to Practice my Program ALOT it seemed in the beginning just to get out of my Own Head...

Things that did help was Slogan's Like: "How Important is it?" Or "Do I Want to be Right? Or do I want to be Happy?" for me it was about Checking Myself, instead of My Alcoholic. What Can I Do in this Moment that will help Me get Closer to HP? Meditate? Hit a Local F2F Meeting? Call my Sponsor? Or Call a Program Friend? Go for a Walk to Clear My Head? All things that Help me Find Little Ways to Release my Resentments... I still have Days I Back Slide, that's what makes me Human, but on the Same note...I Also now have Days where just having all these Tools in my Pocket, I can A lot Quicker Let Go & Let God... For Me I was Always Trying to Control How I wanted them to Treat me, and all it Ever did was Leave me Disappointed. When I Started asking myself... "How am 'I' Going to Treat ME in this Insane Moment?" I Found I Can then find my way back to Serenity... While Handing them over to HP...

You have Great Awareness, and Sounds as though you are Working your Program, So Keep Taking Care of you, Keep Coming back... and Thanks For Sharing ;)

Please Take what you like & Leave the Rest

Jozie

Tude · Senior Member

Hugs Lyne. It's crazy how fast those resentments can sneak up on me. Like out of the blue. If it involves me kids, it's aimed at the ex and so forth. A work in progress for sure! What really stuck out reading all the ESH's was the comment, "sometimes we just have to feel the feelings." I never thought about that but it really makes sense. It's in those feelings I can pinpoint, acknowledge and detach.......then give it to God. Or any combination of those processes, as long as it ends up out of my hands and crazy brain.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Lyne)) I found that once I had "accepted" a situation no matter how i wanted it to change, helped me to use my tools while interacting with the person. I remind myself not to sacrifice my hard won serenity for anything and it works

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh bless your heart! When you have the right to be angry, it is so hard to let go, when you know they are doing wrong and you are trying to do whats right. I hear you. Ive been there so many times. But I just ask myself what is it doing for me, in the way of a benefit, to stay angry and resentful When I can be doing positive things to be taking care of me. You are working a great program, just try to keep the focus on you and do deep breathing and just, with the help of your higher power, just try to cast this burden off of you, regarding the negative feelings, just try to release all that negative energy. Sending you prayers and hugs

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

I really like what Betty said and just would like to add that I have to first go through the feelings and processing and grief work before I come to acceptance and then when I arrive at acceptance, it is easier to cast the burden and to let go. Keep coming back, we are listening

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much everyone for the support, kindness, and ESH. It has helped me get unstuck and I'm reminding myself of the A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I've had the awareness and it's been the acceptance and action that needed forward motion. I have to accept that my A is who she is, and perhaps it's progress, practice, slipping back, etc., that's real life. This set back hung in for several days, unusual for my new program brain. The action I am now taking is turning it over to HP. Let go and let God. Live and let live. Make sure I see my blessings and have gratitude. My feet are getting back on the ground. I appreciate my MIP family and I wish you all a lovely day, Lyne

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Lyne...you have recovery moxie which is very good...practice, practice, practice. I believe that one of the pillars against resentments for me is practicing forgiveness. I cannot hold resentments and forgiveness both at the same time. I don't like resentments because unchecked for me they morph in rage and anger which again...for me is danger and mental, emotional sickness. I like the title of this post from you ...the decisions...Can't versus Won't. For as much that I have learned in the program I know that it isn't about Can't...cause I can. I've learned too much and have to many hours and experience to be able to say I Can't...my ego says I Won't...then I'm sick again.

Keep on keeping on sister...you know and know that you know what it is about and how to work it...you are a teacher. ((((hugs)))) smile

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Lyne wrote:
I'm really having a struggle and I guess I have slid back a bit. I'm holding onto anger and disappointment towards my A since Monday. I know better and have the tools, but I can't always cope as well as I can or should or could. In our therapy with an addiction counselor we discussed exactly what would help her get over her "dry drunk" behavior, i.e. Working the steps with a sponsor, and she is probably not going to do it. She continues some very destructive behavior, towards herself and now me. It's truly a flash from the past. I will bring it up in our next session, a little over a week, but for now I need to turn this over to my HP. I didn't cause her disease, I can't control it, and I sure as heck can't cure it. Amen, Lyne

I hear you. Been there, felt and done that. When our being in a "good head space" becomes contingent on another person, it's the outward-in methodology. Would it be easier if she did in fact get over her dry drunk behavior? If she was working the steps with a sponsor? If so, then there it is -- this is about you. I felt the same thing. It was not easy to admit or accept that I'd be doing, feeling better...is she _______________...and there is my problem. Bringing it up in couples counseling did not help. I was trying to get better -- and she wasn't. She wasn't living a life of recovery. I was trying to get better, and while she wasn't, I didn't want to be in a place where I couldn't get better unless she__________________. The therapist, counselor, specialist, whatever -- everyone can discuss anything they want...but if the alcoholic/addict doesn't want to...they won't. Even when they aren't drinking -- the dry drunk is not in recovery. That is their problem. And, we have ours.

So, we learn in alanon...it is not that way. We can get better...independent of the other person! Keep working it. Focus on you. Talk to your sponsor. Keep trying.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene