The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The funny thing about natural consequences is I don't have to dictate how this will roll out.
Boy is feeling the discomfort of his choices which pretty much sucks to be him at the moment. He burned his nose on the inside from all of the vomiting so he had that smell stay with him .. he also came to the realization that showering doesn't get rid of the smell all of the time. I think his nose should be healed today and yesterday he was out of the funk of the crappy feeling woozy head and so on.
I'm trying to not go see see .. LOL .. that's SUPER HARD.
What has come out of the experience that I am most focused on is the positive conversations we have had .. things that I realize are going to have to be followed by his own actions. Nothing I say can change it .. however I hope and pray that he will think and make good choices going forward. He has had the scary realization he can't control it and that might all it takes for him .. that's what it took for me.
He has come to his own conclusion that he won't be seeing his friend .. he still can talk to him over Xbox and so on .. however hanging out unless friend comes over is off the table. He tried to tell my son he told his mom and said honey .. I'm afraid that is partially true. It's true he told his mom you got sick .. I seriously doubt he told his mom WHY you got sick and what you two had been doing because I would have gotten a phone call. At least I hope I would have gotten a phone call.
The other thing is him and my BF are spending quality time together .. both looking like deer in headlights at the moment .. that makes me laugh .. they are going to my BF's Dad's award ceremony for a Lodge .. years of service award .. soooo .. that will be interesting as it's a 2 hour trip. What seriously made me lol .. is I asked boy about it a couple days ago and he gave me do I HAVE to .. and I said .. well .. this is the man who carried you up the stairs with you smelling of puke and a distillery without complaint or comment .. this is also the same man who helped you shower and get cleaned up .. so going to represent ME since I missed work and am now making up 8 hours of time in a 4 day period off my deadlines and so on .. hmmm .. should you go or not .. LOL.
He says .. dang it mom .. fine.
LOL .. so he was too funny, and he's doing this for someone else and it's not about him. That's not always easy for a teenager .. I am very proud of him.
So until the next parenting crisis .. which will hopefully be sometime in 2023. I can dream can't I??
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You are sounding so healthy about this! And of course everything you are saying is so right on!! LOL!
I loved how you put the ball in your son's court regarding going to the BF's father's thing. Your son said, "Dang it mom...fine" b/c he knew it was the right thing (read upstanding thing) to do.
I also liked how you opened his eyes to another possibility regarding his friend's actions... sometimes kids can be very naive and take their friend at their word when sometimes they need to think deeper. I feel this is an important skill to learn, as not all friends have your best interest at heart.
Keep on keepin' on sister, you are an inspiration to me!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Serenity))) - good on him, you and the BF - works when we work it sister! I did get a chuckle out of the nose burn...cracks me up! What I find interesting and/or amazing is that there are many parents in my area who were not willing to contact another parent and have a discussion about things like this. Some had the attitude of 'boys will be boys' and others were in huge denial thinking the only one participating was the one caught. I certainly had to do a ton of acceptance work around other parents when there were issues as I am a hands on parent and many are NOT!
Keep doing you - sounds like this has been an awesome learning experience for your 2nd born. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAM .. boy oh boy did you hit the nail on the head with the parents .. you know it is what it is and my boundary is stuff is on the table. Now I'm not shy so the other parents have the right to say not my kid and they can deal with it how they choose .. I'm a mandated reporter with my job because we have foster and adopted kids .. we take in high risk kids as well .. this is away awkward place for me to be in .. this kid can come to my house .. the best part is I'm not the bad guy .. all I'm saying no conversation .. no communication then then my boy doesn't go over there .. they aren't school mates so.. I went through this with my oldest about other issues .. in terms of drinking and an underage minor. I wish i had handledthat situation
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Your share and this discussion reminded me today of a parent, mother, who came to my front door once. She basically began screaming at me because her child was in trouble with the law, and my child was named to her as the 'first person to give him pot'. I've said it here before and I will repeat it - patience is not one my my strengths - and yet, by the grace of HP and a small amount of Al-Anon, I opted to just listen to her until she had no more words.
I could just see her pain, anger, denial, etc. and instinctively knew that (kind of like with an A) any words I shared would have added more fuel to her battle. We are 8 years give/take away from that experience and she never showed up again. I know that her child has had 5 DUI(s) and other run-ins with the law. I've prayed for her and her boy every day since hoping they both find peace on their journey.
So - we do live and we learn. I had a bit more experience with my second than my first, and made mistakes with both. I also had some small successes too. It is these 2 offspring that really affirmed for me how powerless I am over other people, places and things and how powerless an alcoholic/addict is over the substances/disease. In spite of or in lieu of my own personal AA recovery experience, deep down, I still thought/felt/believed that I could fix, change, cure them and I was sadly and insanely wrong and misguided.
It's too darn bad there is not an instruction book for parenting 101 - I readily admit I could have used one most/every day when they hit the teen years! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LOL .. OMGOSH .. I was suppose to finish my thought and I wound up accidently scene.
Listen .. I think there should be Parenting 101, 102, 103 and it can keep on until 10000x I don't think it will be enough .. LOL .. after everything I have been through with my children there is NOT enough information in the world that has prepared me for anything to do with my particular children .. although my XHA's manual so to speak taught me things I have needed now .. I told my youngest his siblings stuff prepared me for something different however I made some very large errors that I will make different errors with him.
It never stops .. not really as a parent no one told me that part of the deal .. animals in the wild have it right give birth raise them until a certain age .. let go and keep on moving .. LOL. AND some of them even get to eat their young .. I think that's a bonus .. sometimes.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have actually thought about this regarding parenting quite a bit due to my kid moving into the college years now. It seems our culture has raised a generation of young adults who cannot manage on their own all that well (if at all). I have read many articles and blogs quoting college admissions staff, or counselors who describe how the parents swoop in and "do" everything for their kids at COLLEGE! They set up their rooms, they negotiate with the college staff, they even pick their classes!! It has actually crossed over from an anomaly to what staff sees as the 'norm' now! The amount of students who are filled with anxiety and cannot handle being on their own at college and may or may not seek counseling is staggering!
I have compared that to many of our great-great-grandparents or great-grandparents, who left their home country at 18 or sometimes younger... to make their fortune in America. I mean, they just up and left their haven, jumped on a steamer - all without a parent in tow! LOL!! Sometimes I look at our younger society today and wonder where that courage and fortitude came from!!!
A few years ago I looked at my own parenting behavior - shaped by what is taught as acceptable by today's standards - and found that I was so guilty of "too-involved" parenting. I have spent the last five years learning how to step back. At first it was so hard! But after reading those articles, I knew that it was so important for my kid. So I kept at it... each year was easier, and it is a constant work in progress for me.
I know that I have said to my Kid at times, "Well, parenting does not come with a manual... so I am sorry if I have botched some things...you will experience the same feeling when you become a parent (if you choose that)."
I know you need no validation from me, but I think you are an amazing mom, Serenity!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I too had a Moment Something like yours 2-3 years ago with my at the time "College underage Son" He is an Only Child (other then two Older Step Brothers) but I have Always tried to Instill in him how Important Honesty is to Me since I Have Struggled with it all my Life, I told him I will Trust you till you Give me Reason NOT Too... Well... He had Ask me if "While my Husband & I was at Camp" if He could have the Soccer Team over to Play Games, Hang Out and Sleep over.(He's done it a couple times over the Years!).. Now I know 98% of the Parents, and Even tho there was 20+ kids, I told my Son he was Responsible to Keep our House a Home, and He Knew the Rules of My House, so as long as he Followed them, of Course he could! Well, Only Part he Failed to Share was that (Another Parent!) had Bought Alcohol for them!
Long Story Short, I Live in the Suburbs, and Have Neighbors All around me! he had the Music Cranking and someone Called the Cops! Well when they Showed up to a house full of kids Drinking! Well Many Citations was Handed out, and My Son Included! I get a Text at 3am, of what Happened From my Son! and I Chose not to Respond till 7am! I Sent him a Text Back (Thanks to Al-Anon) that Stated! "We will discuss this when I get Home, but Currently I have things to take care of Here! As you better make sure you took care of responsibility of Your Actions till I get Home!"
I delayed most of the day to Pray and Get my Head Right, and when I got Home I listened, and Everything he told me was on the Up and Up, I told him if any Parents had any Questions it was Up to HIM to Respond, and tell them what Happened! I had Some Parents Contact me, and I Directed them all to him! Apparently when the Cops came, many of the parents was Called due to the age of the kids being 18-20 yrs old...
My Son ask me if I Would Go to Court with him, I told him "I Will Support you through it, but I Will not Fork out One Penny in Expenses, that ALL on you! but For Moral Support Yes I'll Go!"
That was Almost 3yrs ago now, and since then My Son has Behaved himself! Now in another Month he will be 21 (Legal Drinking age Here!) after that Situation I was So Scared to what might be ahead at 21, but I Can Honestly say, I know in my Heart I have Done all I can do to Explain to him the Disease within our Family.. (Both Sides for him & I Both!) so he is aware of "Could be's" but I Sleep better at Night knowing, He was held accountable for his Actions, and I didn't have to Go Nuts, and Flip out! I never Raised my Voice Once in actions of Any of it! For me that was the Miracle ! I'm a Reactor, not a Responder... So I Grew A lot that day! Both in my Program, and My Parenting... And I Owe it ALL to Al-Anon and this Fellowship of Peeps that Believed in me Enough, to Convince me to do that Same :)
This Program Truly Works if We Work it, and You Did Wonderfully :) Parenting Sure don't come with a Rule Book, but thru the Love & Support of Al-Anon, HP, and the Fellowship as a Whole... What a Blessing to be apart of something so Wonderful :)
What a great share! And shares! I keep praying one of mine will make their way in here and one is actually fairly close to it. INteresting we just had a talk about it this week. Mostly my sharing my "awakening"to the damage being raised in an alcoholic home did to my perception, relationship skills, fears etc. Then of course, the damage I put them thru. I'm not sure what to do if sharing on here and they do make it in.........for instance deleting some posts or leaving them LOL.
Ya'll keep me centered and for that I'm grateful!!!
