The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is a focus on the part of tradition five that states: ...encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives. The writer and I reacted the same way when hearing this for the first time-why would I be spending my time trying to help an alcoholic? For me this reaction brought me back to resentments I held on to before and in early recovery. I felt I had spent enough time making space and accommodations in my life for the alcoholic I had no desire to fit in encouragement and understanding!
What has changed for me over time is realizing that understanding can mean knowing the difference between the person and the disease, encouragement could mean (as the reading states), practicing detachment with the active A. I appreciate the quotation from Courage to Change which reminds us that having compassion does not mean we need to lose a sense of self.
I am thinking that the journey from being a wife of an active A, neither of us in program, to an ex wife, with 5 years of practicing alanon, has helped me go from someone who devotes all time and energy to the As actions, to no energy given to the A to now a sort of balance that does include compassion and understanding. I am thinking of the statement I heard early on in program: the active A will drink. What will you do?
Good Morning Mary Thank you for your clear and honest discussion of this interesting topic . I know when I stopped judging, gossiping and blaming others, i was able to understand, love and support the alcoholics in my life. Detachment and working the Steps helped greatly. Thank you for your service
Thank you Mary and Betty. I am just going to second all you both said. I am giggling a bit over the A will drink, what will you do..........Being a double winner I had lost all compassion for the main qualifier in my life at the time. I was so angry and no compassion left. It was like being an empty vessel that needed filled back up with at least some reality........the compassion and yes, even love is back and that is all thanks to God, all of you and this program!
I love that word 'compassion'. Thank you Mary for sharing your perspective here. My current bf is dealing with a lot of anger towards his ex wife right now. They've had a situation come up, even 5.5 years after the divorce, where he is starting to feel what he calls hatred towards her. I have tried to compel him to remember that she is a human being and that her own perspective, while vastly different from his, is still hers and it's just how she sees things. He doesn't want to hear it and I learned, from being in program, that I can drop the rope and just let him stew and still have compassion for both of them. I can see both their perspectives as an outsider looking in.
That's what i love about having a sponsor. My sponsor is emotionally detached from the outcomes and the happenings in my life and her unbiased help and love and support and compassion help me see things from a new perspective. I have learned to see others as individuals, on their own journeys which are different from mine. And, when I can detach and see them as valuable people that God placed on this earth for a reason, I can have compassion for them and find peace.
Thank you for sharing today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Mary for your service today, and thank you Betty and Tude for your insights.
For me, this Step has shown me how to act about my A in front of my son. It's helped me to be a better person, and to be able to model compassionate behavior so that my son can also show compassion for his father. I haven't really embraced this fully in my heart, but just for today I can act 'As If' and that helps my son and also keeps me sane!
To be honest, I think I can feel this way b/c my Qualifier is working his program to the fullest, and has been in rehab for almost 10 months - he hasn't entered the "real world" just yet. I am not getting some of the BS that I see from STBXH's on this board. Today I thank my HP for that!!!!!!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Mary ........Oh I hear ya on the "no desire to fit in encouragement and understanding!" its like they drained me enough...I was done, but like you, I , after working LOTS of program saw that , yea, I can see them as human, and not their disease...even tho they choose to recover or not...choose to drink/use or not, it is a b**ch of a disease/addiction and but for the grace of my HP, there go I...so yea, I can feel compassion, see them as human, but that does not mean I must let them in my life to screw it up again...I can feel compassion, pray for them, and if they are inprogram, encourage/cheer them on, but basically let them work their program because I am very busy working mine and keeping ME emotionally sober...
I really loved reading your growth in your post......Great job!! Cheers!!!
Hey PnP, I'm glad hes working his program.....that is awesome...however..that said..I am hoping you stay within the guard rails of your own super program and growth because you are doing so great......its always good to see that a soul is working their program (him) but I always embrace it with no expectations , just gratitude for their sobriety on a day to day basis, AS I work on me, the only one I can change..........HUGS of support
Thank you Mary for the daily and your service. Thanks to all who shared ESH above me! I was so darn angry when I arrived at Al-Anon, there was no compassion or empathy in me - just a bunch of resentments, self-loathing and eye-rolls galore! Yet, as I watched others who came before me share their ESH with dignity and grace, I really, really wanted what they had - and they'd worked the program and let go of the rage, anger, etc. towards the A and were truly serene and joyful and free!
I did not think it possible for me but coming from the other side, did believe in miracles in recovery - I'd seen them and experienced them for many, many 24 hours....So - I shut my mouth and opened my mind and practiced what was suggested. I found small moments of peace in meetings, and even more when I used the literature and other tools. Slowly, I felt some relief and began to trust my mind again and over time, found all that I needed to live a different way, one day at a time.
I am grateful that I have learned to pause, and to truly 'seek to understand'. I feel grateful that I came from the other side as I do know from personal experience that nobody wants to be an alcoholic. I've never yet met someone who spoke as a child of that as a goal. Yet, it happens often to great, smart, intelligent, loving people and accepting the disease concept helped me greatly with compassion and patience. I am also happy that when I live this program and practice the principals in all my affairs, I can have more patience and empathy for all persons who live differently than I. I finally do believe that each and every imperfect human was placed on this Earth for a reason differently than mine and it's not my job to understand yet it's my job to always be of service when possible and keep my own side of the street cleaned up!
I hope everyone has had a great day! I departed early for some golf, then went to my weekly meeting, took a quick nap and then made 20 lbs. of lasagna for a couple of families in need. I am golfing tomorrow and then delivering food most of the day, followed by Taco night with my program friends. Life is really, really good and I am grateful.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
