Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Problem child

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Mom...welcome to the board and the best way to decide if Al-Anon can and will help you is to find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to find out where and when the next face to face meeting is in your neighborhood. Al-Anon is world wide; the problem of alcohol and chemical abuse and more is world wide...so find that number and call it. MIP will stand with you and give you our own experiences, strengths and hopes and continue to be here as you need.

Your daughter and yourself are victims of a fatal chemical disease which is often very fatal and many of us do survive as we find and use and work the 12 step/12 tradition program. Go to get better for you and then watch the miracles happen for the family and friends who are also touch by the disease. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((RachelsMom))i am so very sorry tor read of this difficult issue within your family. I urge you to follow Jerry's suggestions and search out alanon meetings and attend. These meetings saved my sanity and life. Do keep coming back You are not alone

Stan1 · Senior Member

(((Rachelsmom))) I understand how painful it is to watch your child struggle and not be able to make it better. Thankfully Al anon shows us that we did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I found the only one that I could change was me. This is still a work in progress with the MIP family giving their support through their sharing of Experience, Strength and Hope. I find this through FTF, program and daily literature. Please keep coming back.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. Yes, this programme works. Its a degenerative disease, taking the loved ones with it without discriminating across class, race, creed, age. You're not alone, do seek out face to face meetings, where we may take what we like and leave the rest. I also found addiction trained counselors to be really helpful if there is one you know of in your locale. Good luck and keep coming back here too.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Thank you all for caring!!!

I've got to do something different because nothing else is working. I put her back on my phone plan so I could at least find her if necessary. We talked for 2 hours yesterday from a DITCH where she was in another state. She was telling me that she doesn't see a reason to keep living. I talked her into coming here and bought her an Amtrak ticket, but she doesn't have an ID so she couldn''t board. She accepted some help from strangers who will give her a room in exchange for some manual labor. If this lasts, at least she will have an address to receive a new ID. How much do I help? DO I help?

She tells me the most heartbreaking stories....like hanging out in front of a convenience store asking for someone to buy her a bottle of water and a guy says he will if she gives him a b**w job. She has worse stories than that, believe me. She is a master manipulator, though, so I try to take these stories with a grain of salt. Every bit of bad luck she encounters is SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!! Even her arrests are someone else's fault. She is now mad at me because she has stored her belongings in a storage unit and is $300 behind and I am unwilling to pay it. It's not that I don't want to, you know. Other than my love for her, everything else I invest in her is thrown away...money down the toilet. I still owe 50k in rehab from when she was 17 years old. Now she is not a minor and I am not responsible for her actions. I don't know when I will retire because of this $600/mo rehab loan.

This feels like hell on earth. I would give my own life for her to straighten out, but of course, that is not practical or helpful or even feasible. lol

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I so understand the pain of which you speak Please do keep coming back you are not alone

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

I looked up the next Al-Anon meetings locally. The next one I can make will be next weekend, I work nights.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

RachelsMom - just FYI - there are two meetings online here each day....if you look to the top left, you'll find a link to the schedule and the chat room.

Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Keep coming back - you are not alone!

lgnutah · Senior Member

Rachel
I have a soon to be 38 year old daughter who was once a very sweet, shy child, who grew up in what I thought was a healthy home enviornment.......sigh....
She began having "troubles" with living in socially acceptable ways in her late teens. She felt pressured by us to enroll in college, but then dropped out to go live with a "similarly unfocused in life" boyfriend who helped her see what fun the drug addict/alcoholic life could be. "Friends" opened her eyes to other immoral ways of living life and she embraced this lifestyle wholeheartedly. She moved from drug addict, abusive boyfriend to drug addict, abusive husband (then divorced and found she could manipulate men into paying her bills without having to live with them---she prefers to spend most of her time watching television).
We had no real idea what was going on in her life at that time, she chose to unburden herself years later, I am sure now as a way to manipulate me into paying for her to finish college (well, I think she did, I am fairly certain some semesters she would enroll in classes, then withdraw and get a reimbursement from the university....) and from there spiraling even further down (but as in your daughter's case, it's always someone else's fault). She is always looking for the "easy" way (wants to earn $500 a night under the table or it's not worth her while). She refuses to consider low paying jobs that might have health insurance benefits.
The manipulation is a major part of this lifestyle choice (she has almost no friends-gosh who wouldn't want to be verbally attacked, manipulated and lied to?) I don't know if her substance abuse brought on mental illness, or if the mental illness is a part of her substance abuse, but she seems now to bounce between anxiety and depression (she has added highly addictive anxiety reducing drugs to her alcoholism).
Whatever it is, I finally found this website and began to learn how to take care of myself. For starters, so that I could sleep nights, I began turning the ringers off on both my phone at 8 pm (and blocking her number on my landline). I realized that she is going to keep doing what she is doing, or will find a path to sobriety, or not.....it's her choice. I didn't cause it, I cannot control it, but I can take care of myself.
You will find the tools you need to take care of yourself here (and at face to face meetings if you choose to go to them). Keep coming back.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Oh wow, she sounds just like my daughter! So these behaviors are not unique to my daughter. I think the mental illness came first, honestly. As a nurse, I know that mental illness becomes apparent in teens and early twenties. Unfortunately, most mentally ill individuals resist medication or a diagnosis that will help them. If my daughter is truly Borderline (Personality Disorder) it will be difficult to help her. But like I'm sure you guys will tell me...SHE has to help HERSELF.

My daughter uses escort services but I doubt she has been taken advantage of very often. One time, there was a physical altercation and even though she was injured, I'm pretty sure he (or they rather) were more seriously injured. She has hinted that someone is past seriously injured. *Sigh* The last time she visited me (August last year) she broke all my rules. After drinking all day, she started doing her fast talking thing telling me she is "so much better than I will ever be". I told her to leave. She had no where to go but I didn't care, no one disrespects me like that in my own home! So I approached her to give her phone to her and she physically attacked me. She first grabbed my hair by the root so I couldn't move. Then she scratched my face and gave me a black eye. I called the police but she got away. I have since moved and she doesn't know where I am but she's out of state anyway, so I'm not worried about her coming around.

My daughter did well in college until she had a heroin addicted boyfriend. Then another heroin addicted boyfriend. Then she cashed her financial aid in for two semesters and stopped going to class. So not only does she had warrants out on her and an arrest record, she also will have the feds after her for payback of her student loans. She can't even apply for Medicaid if she doesn't want the law to find her.

lgnutah · Senior Member

Rachel'sMom yes, they are very similar in their behaviors and life choices. Have you figured out how to navigate this site yet? There is so much information available here. I sent you a PM

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Rachel'sMom)))

So Glad your Here, Welcome to MIP...

Myself being a Child of an Alcoholic, and also Finding My own way to Alcohol at 12... I Can Relate to both Your Stress, and that of Being the Addict...

This Disease is beyond Baffling to me & I Swim in it daily fighting my own Junk & Ism's... This Place... MIP, The People Here, My Al-Anon FAMILY... Have Saved So many Much more worse off then Me Just Sharing their Experience Strength & Hope (aka ESH), and Just knowing I Didn't Cause it, Can't Cure, and I Can't Control it when its Others I Love, choose this Path. Was Helped...

And Being one that Got Sober Myself, ALONE... I Can Also Tell you, She can Too if She Chooses too. We Can All Be Martyrs, I know I was For Decades, Everything I Did was Never My Fault, My Parents where to the blame for Everything in my life, (In my Mind of Course). But God Kept working on me, even thru the BS... And When I Lost my Afather to Alcohol in 2008, the Doors of Al-Anon Swung Wide Open, and I Knew... I Was HOME...

I Hope you Continue to Join us here at MIP... Your Story you will find is Similar to MANY Here, all in there own way, but Similar none the less.. So Keep Coming Back... And as we Say.. This too Shall Pass

Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest

Jozie

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Jozie and everyone else including those who started this forum, thank you!

So daughter is in a bad way with no options in a state with a warrant out for her so unable to get a job. She's trying to draw me into her drama more and more. She applied to Oxford House but that won't work there even if she got in because she needs a job. So she wants to come here but she says she needs a job. Well....yeah....we all need jobs I told her. Point? It's so odd when I talk to her that she doesn't just come out and say, "I f*cked up all the way here, I can't stay in this state, I have a better chance of getting a job in your state but I understand that is not guaranteed given my past. I don't know how you can help me with any of this but at least if I am in a homeless shelter there, you will be close by and that makes me feel better." Some kind of statement taking responsibility and recognizing that I am not her savior and I have limited resources (especially seeing I am still paying her $600/mo previous rehab payment because it's only in my name).

No regard for my welfare, all about her. She wants $300 some dollars to save her stuff in storage because she has some illegal materials in there that she could sell for quick money. Ugh.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

They do have oxford houses in most states. Most (around here) give an opportunity to get a job. In my state, there are charities that will assist with deposit and first couple weeks rent. Both of my sons have been forced to get creative when I've refused them reentry into my home.

It took me working this program to stop giving my two a soft landing. And - for what it's worth, they are both in recovery and neither still truly understands the wreckage that I feel they've caused. Yet, I have forgiven them as that is what recovery suggests I need to do for me.

I do know that expecting an alcoholic/addict to think and process rationally has never worked out well for me....it just adds more fear, anger, chaos, etc. to my day/life. I know it's so, so hard dealing with a child affecting with this disease - I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers...

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Thanks for replying.

She won't be able to stay in an oxford house in the state she is in because she won't be able to find a job with the warrant out for her. So she wants to come here...maybe her warrant wont show up here and someone will hire her. She says she doesn't want to get into an oxford house here because she will have to stop using drugs. OMG, really? See how her logic is illogical and how she manipulates? She gets me on the track of Oxford house, yeah, nice. I will help you do that. Then it's a bait and switch to NO Oxford House, it will require something on MY part that I'm not willing to do.

She can't stay here and I told her that. I actually ended up hanging up on her because she was talking so fast and it was so insane that I couldn't stand it. But I'm looking for a short term rental here too see if she can make it work, which she can't. And I know it will be MY fault when it doesn't work. I love her but can't stand her. We love so imperfectly as human beings, ain't that some sh*t? lol

I have to go to work and compartmentalize this stuff. I know I'm part of the problem. I can't do anything to help, I know. If I appear to "help", it will only be my fault when it doesn't work. Same 'ole same 'ole. Sigh.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes doing nothing, is doing something. I have had to literally sit on my hands, force myself to not get involved, rescue, make plans for someone whom is an adult. It is very difficult to watch our children struggle. I understand. I allowed the disease of addiction to practically take me down before I was willing to seek support for myself and focus on my own recovery. My daughter was unwilling/unable to take any responsibility for any of her actions for quite some time into recovery. My expectations of her having consideration for her family or anyone else when she was active was useless and detrimental to my serenity. Change occurred when I began to put all the effort and energy I used to help her into helping myself.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

I truly do understand what you guys are saying. I also know how hard it is to put into practice. I know that I have posted so often in the last few days that y'all think I'm certifiable!!!

Tonight, I had to just put a stop to all of it. Every time I would concede to something, there came another demand. At some point (while trying to work) I knew I was in too deep and just told her, sorry, It started out as one small way to help and has morphed into something I can no longer commit to doing. Then there were the threats of suicide and I felt so awful. But with her on my phone plan/gps, I can see that night after night, she finds a way to get 20+ miles away and even to other states into the wee hour of the morning. WHAT IS SHE DOING?

I can tell you one thing she is doing that I am allowing her to do is to make me nuts. I'm an educated person, I'm smart, I do ok for myself, I'm resourceful but THIS I can NOT do. If I didn't care, it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't try. I have patients with mental illness-schizophrenia, bipolar, BPD, previous crack addicts who had strokes, cocaine addicts who snorted their way to lung fibrosis, etc etc. I can deal with them every day and it doesn't hit me like my daughter doing this stuff. I don't know how to detach, so afraid of negative consequences doing it. I know that is so codependent to the moon and back.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Rachel'sMom)) you are a mom and not alone, I so understand how you feel.

Living One day at a time, with prayer and alanon support I survived the same insanity. Keep sharing and coming back

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too am sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. It's not easy and my hope is that sharing here is comforting and healing. Al-Anon helped me to accept I am powerless over my kids and what they do, think, etc. It took me some time to realize that I can't care/do more for them, their health, future, etc. than they do. I also had to accept that I can not ever be and do all that they ask - it just wasn't possible. I felt for a long while that boundaries and detaching were 'mean' and yet I knew in my mind were necessary.

I used to write all the time about the disconnect between my head and my heart. I knew what was suggested in Al-Anon was healthy and sane yet my heart continued to tug in the opposing direction. I too feared what would happen if I did/did not _________________ and had to accept I was not a logical candidate as HP for my kids.

It's tough and you are not alone! Keep coming back and know there is hope and help in recovery!

lgnutah · Senior Member

Rachel'sMom
I have told my daughter "If you have made decisions that have poor consequences, you will have to take responsibility for those poor decisions and live with those consequences".
There are lots of non-profit organizations out there to help people overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, mental health issues, and their past poor decision making. There are churches that house free support groups, and online resources for people who want to help themselves find better ways to manage their own lives. I realize my daughter can take advantage of these resources if she wants to do the work it takes to improve her life.
By the way, I used to send "self help" books to my daughter, I would look up resources in her area and send her meeting information. She would then just tell me why they won't help her, or why she would never go "to places like that", or criticize my choices, etc. I have realized, when she is ready, she can find these resources for herself and put a plan into place.
Until she does, I just keep loving her. I talk with her when she is lucid and hang up when she isn't. I encourage any little positive steps she makes.
And, lastly, I realize I cannot "save her". She will have to do that herself.
PS Remember, "no" is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE)

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

As you can imagine, I'm exhausted! lol

I talked to a friend who is in the medical field and has a son at home who is a nightmare. The worst thing about him is that he has assaulted his Dad repeatedly in his Dad's own home. He has kicked in doors and damaged walls in fits of anger. So my friend was telling me about how he locks his bedroom door at night and works on projects outside with the lights on to avoid going in HIS OWN HOME while his son is there. He finally got him out of there. Listening to all of that today made me realize that the best indicator of future performance is past performance and my daughter has already assaulted me once before in my home and it would happen again if she were to come here.

She is going to have to find the resources that help with the problems that she has. I would be way over my head to try to help. She asked me not to text her anymore (on the phone I bought her on my phone plan with unlimited minutes purchased to accommodate her excessive use, lol) and said that I "put her on a roller coaster yesterday." Seriously? Wow. Sigh.

So I love her...scared to death that she might be harmed. But I am unable to help.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to the experience of your friend....as far as the damage - holes in walls and doors and fits of anger. I too installed a lock on my door and would actually feel sick to my stomach at the thought of going home/into the home. I am grateful that's no longer my reality and I owe it all to deciding to work Al-Anon recovery.

I too can relate to the scared to death about harm or even death for my boys. What was suggested to me is I can be of service simply by praying and turning them over to a power greater than I. That was action I could do and feel good about...I too knew at some level that the help my boys needed was well above my skill set and prayed the Serenity Prayer many, many times per day.

And yes - it is extremely exhausting...I actually felt guilty for getting good sleep/better rest when they were either in jail or treatment....yet, I knew they were 'safe' and in a controlled environment so my HP gifted me with relief vs. shame over and over again. Be gentle with yourself - we are nothing more than imperfect people doing our best on a daily basis. If we were intended to be all-knowing with the answers, we would be designed that way. One Day at a time is a great way to roll...

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

According to her phone this morning, it has been off for 11 hrs. I guess she doesn't have a place to charge it...or worse. I would breathe such a huge sigh of relief if she were incarcerated!

My mind isn't in rescue mode today so it's a good day. It is my only day off from work this week so I am relaxing and doing nothing.

Tell me...how do you deal with the possibility that a lack of rescue on your part results in death? I know there are several things wrong with that sentence (implying responsibility for starters) but, seriously, what if? How to live with that? I watch these horrible tv shows where a 20 something disappears and details of the torture endured before death. How does that not kill a parent?

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

As awful as this will sound and i mean it with a great deal of compassion... I had to learn my kids choices are not a reflection of me. I don't know what the plan is for my kids life it's not about me. Yes I would be beyond devastated .. there is mental illness addiction or whatever going on i am powerless over. My situation holds fear of the unknown for my kid .. they make their own choices and i love them any way. I relieve myself of my parental guilt by admitting i wasn't perfect and knowing I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge i had. I mind my own business and keep my thoughts to myself unless child thinks they are spending my money for their own purchase. I have one who is legal age .. with that comes great responsibility .. theirs .. not mine. I really hope u will attend alanon or counseling. It makes a difference. Hugs s :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

RachelsMom - I worked with my sponsor closely to recover from the affects of this disease. In time, I came to realize that if that was the final answer for my sons, I would have no choice to accept it. No parent should have to bury a child, but it does happen each and every day - from this disease and many others. It's another scenario where projection for me resulted in FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real.

There are some here who have lost a child to this disease. Yet, with recovery, they have been able to continue to heal, grow and find joy. I do now believe - because of recovery - that no matter what happens in my life, I can get through it with my support, my HP and my program.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

So daughter's phone location has been the same since Thursday and eventually went off. Last text was 8pm and phone went off at 12am. According to a girlfriend I didn't know she has, she had an online date and got into his truck at 8pm Thursday. Daughter texted the license plate to her friend at 8pm. Her friend has not heard from her since, either. Lost phone? I don't know.

Playing detective is codependent and stressful to me. Is this the time that I never hear from her again? If she keeps living this lifestyle...there is going to be a last time I hear from her. Luckily I work the next two nights. Working keeps me from thinking about it. It's the only time I don't think about it.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Rachelsmom,}}} I can imagine how stressful this is. What helps me, when I am worried about my children, is to imagine them in the loving hands of their higher power.

Tude · Senior Member

((Rachelsmom)) I am so glad you are here. I was a total mess when I got back here and my son is going thru some rough stuff.....this program has and is giving me the tools to trust my HP and not worry myself sick. I literally did that before coming in here.......worry and fear caused very real physical issues. Today I am so grateful for this group! Hope you keep coming back!

Tude · Senior Member

Well, that came out crazy lol. Having PC connection issues this morning. Let me rephrase if I may. Not all days are easy, some are just downright hard, but I can honestly say the good days far outweigh the bad regardless of what those in my life who are addicted etc ......are doing.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

I pray fiercely, any time it comes to mind. I sometimes wonder why I don't have an answer. A couple years ago when she disappeared, she eventually got onto the internet at a public library. According to her, she was "pimped out" after she hitch hiked, was kidnapped and escaped without her phone, she walked a long way back into town mostly with bare feet because her sandals broke. Pavement was hot.

If I were her, I would certainly give up drugs to get to a shelter. A loooooooong time ago!!!!

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Neither post came out crazy!!

I wish you peace on your own personal journey. May each of us enjoy our lives and live life to the fullest as we hope and pray that our loved ones choose a different path. I hope those were acceptable thoughts.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

The rescue, save, etc., thing -- all of that distorts our thinking, our actions, our reactions, and so on.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people to -- dismiss, trivialize, minimize, rationalize, justify, defend, etc. -- almost "accept" physical violence. Whether it be bodily in nature or property in nature.

My friend and I once went to get my wife, in, let's just say, a very bad place (location). When it was all over, my friend asked me, "How do you rescue and save someone...who doesn't want to be rescued and saved?"

Lastly, two parts...part one...even when I stopped trying to fix her, control her, talk to her, convince her, prove to her, educate her, make my point to her, get her to stop, rescue her, save her, negotiate with her, and help her...when I stopped all that...part two...my sponsor and I, and a couple of other close friends in program, spoke about what she was doing, why she was doing it, analyzing, trying to figure her out, trying to assess what she was saying, her position, state of mind, where she was at, her mental place, and so on and so on and so on. I reported back to my friends non-stop, constantly. I provided them with updates on a regular and frequent basis. Then, my friends took me to dinner. I thought once I stopped and got past part one, I was better. My friends took me to dinner and told me that part two...that was still my sickness, that was my disease. I did not see it. I was the only one who didn't see it.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Thanks Bo. I guess I'm still on part one.

So this morning, I am going to my local police dept to file a missing person's report. I have the last license plate of a truck she got into before her phone went inactive. I have the last location of the inactive phone. I have phone numbers of everyone she texted that day. Here I am, playing detective for someone who just doesn't care. Unless I am actually "rescuing" her from a death situation, she will not be happy. The last time I filed a missing person's report (same police station, oh boy) she had been kidnapped (her version) but police had her checking into a motel with some guy. Her story was (as I already posted) that she was kidnapped and "pimped out". She paid for the room herself in cash so you tell me what was really happening?

I'm posting this for help in determining what I am doing wrong but also so I can come back and read and see how this affects me. I am the only family member who still tries. What am I supposed to do with her pictures I have framed in my home? Am I supposed to be angry at her? Take them down and forget her like she never existed? I don't know how to do this. I really don't.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

RachelsMom wrote:
Thanks Bo. I guess I'm still on part one.
So this morning, I am going to my local police dept to file a missing person's report. I have the last license plate of a truck she got into before her phone went inactive. I have the last location of the inactive phone. I have phone numbers of everyone she texted that day. Here I am, playing detective for someone who just doesn't care. Unless I am actually "rescuing" her from a death situation, she will not be happy. The last time I filed a missing person's report (same police station, oh boy) she had been kidnapped (her version) but police had her checking into a motel with some guy. Her story was (as I already posted) that she was kidnapped and "pimped out". She paid for the room herself in cash so you tell me what was really happening?
I'm posting this for help in determining what I am doing wrong but also so I can come back and read and see how this affects me. I am the only family member who still tries. What am I supposed to do with her pictures I have framed in my home? Am I supposed to be angry at her? Take them down and forget her like she never existed? I don't know how to do this. I really don't.

There you go. There you are. You have awareness. Your sickness is her, your obsession is her. Your drug is her. STOP. Recognize, you are powerless over her, her disease, what she wants to do!!! So, stop trying! How about stopping? Not doing what you are doing? Doing the opposite? How about FOCUSING ON YOU? You are the only family member who still tries. Maybe the other family members figured something out...maybe they are focusing on themselves.

As far as the rest, angry, pictures, etc. -- conversation for another time. The next thing in front of you is what to do now. Next. Focus on you. Let that be your answer. Focus on YOU.

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

I did not file. A friend of hers verified her safety or at least being alive. What a relief now I have to detach. Again. Seems like it is a repeat process.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Now you can work on YOU. Shift your focus to YOU.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mom

I echo Jerry and Betty....Sadly you can do ZERO for your daughter, but you CAN help you with this program....I am so sorry this is the life your daughter is leading, but working with a sponsor in Al-anon will, as Betty said, "saved my sanity and life" when its a child?? its the worst..I have 2 daughters...one recovering meth addict...she isn't going to meets, but is sober, and has , for some reason, kicked me to the curb...doesn't want anything to do with me..this is a life pattern and ya know??? because I am working on the spiritual end of the program now , as a former agnostic, i decided that I need program AND my HP within me to life my life...I have to let her go...let her go her way....I have my other daughter who is a "dream" child...shes a wonderful kid....I don't know if older one is using and that is why or its just that pattern of hers where she cuts people out of her life, then trys to get back in....I will always love her, but she is not in my will because she hasnt' been sober enough and if she does not want me, she does not want my estate....my other daughter and my beloved niece will get my stuff...THEY are sober....and borderline?? omg...they love you one minute, hate you the next...they can't stand rejection/abandonment, inappropriate anger, rage sessions that are scary...I thought I was one for the longest time, but my rage is just my past and grieving it out....with the spiritual end of program, I see that going less and less because I do a step 3 when i see I can't change something or i reach out for help..call a recovery mate...bottom line is that you can only help you...my brother is a street person on all kinds of drugs...homeless for a while, using even heroin I hear....I can't believe he is still alive with all the drugs he pumps into his body...pills..shots..snorting...you name it....his brain is fried...I had to let him go with lot of love, but let go I did to save me....Al-anon helped me see the handwriting on the wall AS IS..not what I dream or hope it to be..and I respond accordingly.....sending you love and support from another mom who has a pain giving child and who , through program has let go without claw marks all over it...........HUGS

RachelsMom · Veteran Member

Without claw marks all over it, lol! Thanks for that Mamalioness!

It appears that daughter ditched the phone I bought her. So, great, I will be paying for 2 years on that sh*t. lol

And I agree, Mamalioness...it's time to see what is REAL and not what was or what I wish it was. blankstare So sad. So stinking sad. And every one of you knows what I feel because you have felt the same.

Don't worry about me that my whole life is chasing this daughter! I work out, I go to work, I picked up the rare pizza this afternoon and went into a carb coma! lol Life is generally good. I just really really wish daughter was healthy but nothing I have done has helped or made me closer to her? As resourceful as she is in getting her fix, she can find the help she needs if she ever chooses to do so. I am not a part of that equation. I just don't want her to ever feel like I don't love her. But I'm not dealing with a normal person here...I am dealing with a person who has become a stranger, who has altered her chemistry and personality due to drugs. It's not something I can understand or need to spend time understanding. You all have the same story and same results when you "chase after" your loved one.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Rachelsmom))) - I just chuckled outloud over the carb coma - I can so relate....I've been low carb for almost 9 months and had pizza this week and good Lord - my body and my mind were just not very happy!

It's very, very hard to learn how to detach from a child. It's possible but it's hard. I can say, as Betty said above, my sponsor saved my life and my sanity with regards to mine. She helped me establish healthy boundaries for detaching - when mine were 'out there' living in unknown/homeless shelters, I suggested I needed to here from them at least twice a week or I would file a welfare check with the police. One tested me and was not happy when the police found him....he's fortunate when they did, he was not holding any illegal substances at the time.

From that point on, he respected my request. I did shut off their phones as I did not want to be involved in any illegal activities by association. Legal reasons for this as well as local laws, and it was the hardest thing I ever did but it also freed me from seeing where they were, who they were talking/texting with, etc.

For me and for them, I had to completely surrender and let go of any pretense that I had any power/control over them - even though I gave birth to them. I had to lift them up to a power great than me, and trust the program and process - for my own sanity. None of my growth and sanity restoration would have been possible without MIP (Here), Meetings, Sponsor, Literature, Trusted Program Friends, Steps, etc. I needed every tool every day to get through the detachment from my boys and building of healthy boundaries for my protection/sanity.

I am glad to hear that you're practicing self-care! That's a huge part of our recovery. More is always revealed when we are ready for it. Be gentle with you - nobody expects to have a child go off the deep-end and there are no black/white answers as to how to heal/deal with it....we just keep finding tools to try and hold tight to any that work. Keep coming back - there is hope and help always!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene