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I feel no desire to give my STBXRAH a Father's Day card. I know from being a member, that I am under no obligation to give him one to validate him... or to validate I am a "good" person. So I just wanted to put my thoughts down in case it helps someone else.
Early in our marriage, we always gave each other cards, or did something to validate the other person. Mine were always purchased at least a week beforehand, had some deep meaning etc. Even if it was "just" a card, I spent a good deal of time pondering on just the right one. My spouse would always get these funny googly-eyed cards. At first I thought it was a funny quirk of his. Until much later in our marriage I found out that it was because he ALWAYS bought the card the day of the event & had to buy them at 7-11. I carried that resentment around for YEARS! Always pushing it down into some little cubbie in my mind... unfortunately ready to pop out when I least wanted it to. But I always justified pushing those feelings down b/c "At least he's getting me a card, right?" And to a large extent that was true. It became a joke between us, but in my heart, it wasn't a joke. After many years, I did wind up telling him that I would like more thought put into my card. That then became how I knew he was slipping in his recovery. Doing well, he would take the time to buy a "nice" card with honest thoughts inside. Not doing well? The card was a last-minute googly-eyed one, with a crappy sentiment. As such, card giving held a weird double-meaning for me.
As our son grew, I made sure to model the caring behavior I wanted to see from my husband, but never received. I even once told my spouse that he should take Kid with him to get cards or whatever, so that he can begin to learn from him... a man. He didn't see the value in that & never would.
Fast-forward to about 8 years ago, I first came to Al-Anon via way of NA. I had kicked my spouse out due to his meth addiction. I learned new ways of coping and reacting. I went to TONS of meetings. When I eventually took him back (b/c I thought a son needed an "in-house" father), I did not trust him or even love him very much. But I still made the effort to treat him with respect... b/c I DID respect his strength for getting clean. Each Father's Day I would take our Kid out to pick out cards or get a small gift (from Kid). I would tell Kid that, "Someday when you have a job, you can be the one to pick out and pay for your dad's gift." I would literally go through EVERY. SINGLE. CARD. Why? B/c I could never find one that said the right thing. It really was so agonizing for me. I didn't want to be disgenuous. I didn't love him much, definitely didn't trust him, and if I am being truly honest, I never thought he was that great of a father to our son - he always fell short in some way. I finally decided on a blank card that I would write on. Brilliant! Right? At first I would write about how proud I was that he chose to embrace his second chance. As his recovery faltered, I would then write about how proud I was that he always provided for his son. When it was apparent that his many "ills" were due to alcohol consumption, and he was now addicted yet again, and his relationship with his now teen-aged son was nil,I wrote that it was never too late for him to mend fences with his son and have a close father-son bond.
Does anyone see the pattern here? Now - after many years - I do.
I was trying to exert MY control by writing in the cards. Nothing I would write EVER changed him. Nothing I would write ever changed the relationship with he and his son. My spouse never expressed his love the way I wanted him to. I now see that I was not accepting of him the way he was. I always wanted him to be... MORE.
Don't get me wrong though... I know that I didn't have to accept him when he was using meth, and now when his DOC is alcohol. That was one of the main reasons I left the marriage... b/c I was done accepting unacceptable behavior.
This Father's Day, I am still going to get him a card. Why? B/c it is what I do. I will still be choosing a blank card. Why? B/c I still feel that the words in most of the cards never describe him. It is important for me to be truthful, but not vindictive.
My words will be simple: "Hope you have a great time sharing this day with your son!"
Due to staying with Al-Anon and not buggin' out once I began to feel good, I can see how I acted in my past. I can now write something genuine without the need to write something that was intended to try and change that person!
If you are still reading this long post, thank you for letting me get these thoughts out. I now can move forward 1) without that awkward feeling that has been in the background of my brain... becoming louder as the date approaches, and 2) I can see and accept the wrongs I have held onto regarding my marriage.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
In all honesty, I check here every day. Each morning I read the C2C. Each night I check on everyone's progress or ESH... even when times are good. It has become a "touchstone" for me in a way. Because I have found (much to my chagrin) that I am never perfect, and I am always able to learn from others on this board!
Hope you enjoy your Thursday!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for share PnP and Serenity. I'm still old school about cards and really still prefer either going to the store and picking one out or hand making one. My family of origin were not ones to send sentimental sayings and I always felt hurt not receiving any acknowledgement of special occasions, especially after moving so far from them when I married. It does hurt when you don't feel recognized. When our sons were younger they enjoyed making there own and still do sometimes. One of my RAH's favorites is a picture of him and our grandson that our eldest took and put on a coffee mug.
.When my RAH was active he once commented that he didn't get a card for me because I wasn't his mother. My response was "No I am not, I am the Mother of your children." When I picked out a card for him then I did so keeping in mind that he is the Father of our children. I have received some lovely cards for Mother's Day and other occasions from my RAH.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Thursday 14th of June 2018 03:01:59 PM
-- Edited by Stan1 on Thursday 14th of June 2018 03:06:14 PM
-- Edited by Stan1 on Thursday 14th of June 2018 06:18:45 PM
I am glad you shared PnP - my AH bought me a lovely locket pendant for my first mother's day and put into it 2 small photos of my oldest. He even had it engraved with my kid's initials and DOB - lovely and thoughtful. My oldest is 26 now and that's the last time my AH ever recognized me as a mom as he relapsed between the birth of my boys and never returned to recovery.
For a long while, I hated mother's day, my birthday, other special days as I felt so darn cheated. As you've discovered, my resentments and anger over what others were NOT doing really only hurt me. They (my AH and/or my sons) never lost any sleep on any of those days nor did they appear to even notice I was upset. I did the 'silent scorn' for years and then started sharing my wants - a nice card. It took a lot of years, but this past mother's day, I actually got my first ever card from my oldest son - again, he's 26.
Still waiting for something similar from my youngest. It would be nice if they made a note of special days and recognized me yet I do know (thanks to recovery) that what they do/don't do really is not a driving force on whether I have a good day or a bad day. I've made plans with others for all the special days and if my guys roll up with an idea to celebrate me, we do it on another day.
For our last few wedding anniversaries, my AH and I have laughed out loud and given each other 'high fives'....our marriage has survived only because we've each allowed the other to go through intensely crazy times and then figured out a way (god thing) to remember who we are, why we're together and we just keep going. If we remember, we get cards. Most of the time, we grill steaks and just chill. We took away special gifting long ago as we both buy what we want when we want it and don't have any wish lists of sorts.
I will call my dad on Father's Day. I will send my AH and son a text message and then go golfing - that's our plan. I may grill out - depends on how I feel after golfing - we try to keep these days all low-key to reduce tension, expectations, and anxiety. Just do what makes sense for you and it will always work out!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I HATE Fatherās Day! How do you pick out the right card for your abusive father or your abusive ex-husband (father of my oldest son)? I usually go for humor with my dads cards bc all of the sentiments just do not fit. I just do not do the Fathers Day thing either either of my kidsā dads because they never do anything for me on motherās day so I count it as one less thing to deal with. However I still have to give my oldest son to my first ex on Fathers Day because itās in the custody agreeement. Itās annoying to have to even deal with him because of some made up holiday (that never fails to fall during MY weekend) when he is one of the worlds crappiest dads anyway. Ok that wasnāt really nice. But thatās how I feel.
This post had lots of little glimpses into the unspoken speech of marriages to me. The things we say and hear without anyone speaking a word. Father's day and mother's day are hallmark holidays to me....or then again maybe I'm so internally guarded against "being failed" I don't even allow myself to be vulnerable to anything else. Already decided, that's not for me. That's for others. Consequently, I'm not a regular card giver. It feels insincere. Having had little experience of receiving because I deliberately pre-empted it with sharp comments long before any potential event which could lead to disappointment, I was uncomfortable with giving beyond etiquette. Etiquette holds no emotional meaning, not unlike the googly cards, but with a vague recognition that the other person seems to require it. So, the selfishness/insincerity of it, was really from a place of self defence so long held that the ritual of it was merely that. Emotionally meaningless. When i have received beautiful cards, I have sometimes not known how to respond. I have kept them in shoeboxes and carted them around to different countries. I try to care for them even if i cant connect with them. As a recovering double, I've learned that a lot of my emotional workings are quite stunted. I don't know many alcoholics/alanoners who are emotionally competent without recovery. Emotional competence being a necessary component of hood communication. Your post was quite touching. You giving, then communicating, him attempting, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I guess sometimes a lack of giving can be related to little experience of truly receiving, which only comes from allowing vulnerability, and having it respected. And vice versa. Emotional safety and experiences. I wish you both well in the journey of recovery. Maybe one day, you will still receive that card from a person whose had enough recovery to learn how to do it. One never knows. I bought my AH cards sometimes. Craftily, I could pretend it was from the children. Test the waters. See if the hallmark holiday might prick the consciousness lol. Then there was the mother's day after the massively failed wedding anniversary the week before ( he couldn't make it home in time for a movie and when he came home late he was stoned so I told him to @#$% off to his friends house and celebrate the bonds of friendship rather than marriage before slamming the front door in his face). I threw such a tantrum that mothers day was complete with expensive floral arrangements, chocolates etc. But I felt like I'd forced it so no joy therein lol. Looking back, goodness. What a waste of energy. Thanks for the share and the opportunity to reflect PnP. You've come so far.
Great post PNP, I like your idea for this Father's day.
I used to always do something for AH Father's day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Father's I would usually just make it from the kids. He wouldn't do anything for me for mother's day... would say the bit about I wasn't his mother. Birthdays are about a month apart...mine first, no gift/card dinner...or even aknowledge it at all.
I would feel very sad, hurt, angry and most of all resentful.
For me as the kids got old enough I allow them to do whatever they want to do for him. This works best for me. I no longer have expectations from him for these events. It took me a very long time to get to that point. Expectations never serve me well with AH, so I try to avoid them. I do still struggle with feelings of guilt when I do nothing, but that's just where I am with it for now.
Stan - I used to make all of my cards... I am an amateur photog and loved putting my art to cards! When Kid was little, we had fun making his card to his father... as he got older he hated it b/c art was always difficult for him. so I let him do his own thing - which was me taking him to buy a card. LOL!
IAH - What a beautiful thing your husband did at that moment in time! I like you, felt very cheated on most holidays. My STBXH did nothing the first year I was a "mother." In fact, a week before Mother's Day I found out from the local jeweler that the ring my spouse gave me for Christmas was unpaid for b/c his check bounced! Because he worked for them all through high school, they let him slide, but he then ghosted them and they finally had to come after me for the payment! So you know what I did? I didn't like the ring at all (not my style at all) so I had them remove the stone, and add my son's birth stone and created a unique mother/son pendant on a solid gold chain. Even though that experience mortified me, I am proud that I paid them in full (myself) and I still cherish that necklace to this day!
Jayla - oh I so hear ya on that!
a4L - thank you for sharing your ESH on this subject. My least favorite "holiday" is Valentine's Day... especially as the addiction progressed and I felt like I had to feign some sort of romantic feelings. Eventually, you just can't. Thank you for seeing that I have come far... some days it does feel like it, some days not so much! LOL!
Finding_grace - It was hard for me not to have some sort of expectations in my marriage. I mean, when it comes down to brass tacks. it's really a contract... like in business... it is just between 2 people and deals in emotions. I am in awe that you can live your life in harmony without expectations with your AH.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Wow are we a lot alike...lol I was Always the One that Went and Got the Cards a Week Early, (At Least) and always tried to find something Thoughtful as a "Thank You" for being a Great Dad gift, and My AH really is a Wonderful "Provider" However, he Lacks in the "Emotions" dept. he is one that would say for 3days Prier to the "Celebrations day".... "Oh I HAVE to Go Get you a Card!" and he said it So Often I was to the Point when I did get it, I was Ticked I had to HEAR about it for So Long, And I've Belted Out "NO... YOU Don't HAVE to Get Me Anything, NOR Do you Have to COMPLAIN About it for Days!" lol ... Now Granted he always Picked thee most Beautiful Cards for his Mom when she was still here, and she would just Beam from ear to ear... So I knew he had it in him, and I really don't expect him to get me anything on Mothers Day, but he Does every year get me Flowers to Plant in my Fountain for me, So he has Improved since I Started my Al-Anon Journey... But I Truly had to learn to Turn My "expectations" to OFF in order for us to find a Common Ground... lol And it was WORK...
With My Own AFather, and this was Before Al-Anon, I would Chant in My Head before I got to his House to Deliver his Card... "If you Don't Expect Anything, You can't be let down!" and I did that EVERY Holiday for Years! And I Did, I Always Went with the Googly Eyed cards because he wasn't the "Role Model" Dad, he was an Addict/Alcoholic that could barely care for himself let alone remember a Holiday... Heck My Birthday was on Christmas Day, and he seen me Every Year, (Because I went to Him) and Still Rarely did I get "Happy Birthday" let alone a Card...
I'm So Grateful for a Program that Has Taught me that My Feelings can Only be Hurt if I allow them the control to do it... Do I get Bruised sometimes Yes, How can you not, when your Married to someone you have spent 20+ years with, and they fail to acknowledge things that are Important to me... But Thankfully, My Only Son (Now 20) does an Amazing Job on Mother's day, and even tho My AHusband isn't his Bio Dad but been there since he was Born, He makes sure to give him the same respect... My Son isn't a Card Giver, but he will give his Time... and for Me that's Enough, I Look forward to Spending those Hallmark Holiday's with him...
For Me these Last 10 years of Not having my AFather in my Life do to this Disease and him passing at 58 because of it, I'm Grateful for those Dumb Googly eyed cards, and all the "Attempts" I've made to show Love to him, because even after all the Anger I had in my Heart for him over his Addictions, the Fact of the Matter is, Without him, I wouldn't be here to run this Journey, and Because of Him... I Can... My Gratitude lays in my Recovery, and the Work I've Done to Keep me Sane :)
Holidays of Any Kind are hard with Addicts/Alcoholics, but I'm So Grateful for the Love & Support I Find here, and at my F2F Meetings because without that Support, I'd Still be spinning out of Control with Resentments, and Trying to Control the Uncontrollable What a Blessings we have here...
I Hope all you Fathers & (Mothers that have to do both) have a Blessed Holiday regardless of the A's... Because we all deserve a Pat on the Back for taking it One Day at a Time and Doing the Best we can...
And Again... Thank you PnP for your Share, Its Reminded me to Count My Blessings, Not My Cards...
PNP,
I wish I could say that I am in harmony in every aspect, but no, just the holidays. Trust me I could tell stories of absolutely horrible birthdays! The thing is, he just isn't good at giving of himself which would really be the things that would have meant the most.
I hope to get to a point of no expectations from him ever....but not far enough in my program yet to say that. The holiday thing, honestly well before alanon I had just learned that I didn't want to be ruining those special days with expectations! It really would upset me to the point of secretly crying in the bathroom....not worth all that.
Thank you for sharing PnP. I had so many emotions reading this, this morning on Father's Day.
This year I took the kids to the store and had them pick out a card. One for Grandpa and one for their dad, my AH. In both cases my emotions are mixed. My AH is actively using and drinking again after 29 days of rehab. He says he's going to meetings but comes home intoxicated most days. My father is not an alcoholic/addict and he was always physically present. He held down a good job, provided for his family, took us on summer vacations, showed up for school etc. But he was also very emotionally distant throughout my life. I have a better relationship with my dad now that I'm older. He has tried in his way to reach out. I've decided to love and try to accept him for who he is, instead of who I wish he could be. He may not respond to my love but I am okay expressing that love for it's own sake.
As my kids went through the shelves laughing at different cards, trying out the pop-up ones, trying to decide, I stood back and let them take the lead. I tell myself this is more for my kids than the men these cards would go to. My children love their dad and granddad. Finally they decide on two cards and after glancing at them, I popped them in our shopping cart and we moved on to get our groceries.
This morning as I took out the cards for my kids to sign, I found myself writing in my husband's card. Like you were... I was faced with a dilemma. I ended up writing something about Ah being a wonderful dad, husband and friend and signed we love you. Even as I wrote that I felt like part of it was a lie. But at the same time, I knew part of it was true. My AH isn't a great husband or dad right now. He's not a great "friend" right now. But I do have love for him still. In the end, it isn't just for the kids. It really is a card for him. no matter how he makes me feel, or what he is doing today, whether he is clean or not, whether he shows up or not... I can release expectations and simply express the love that is there. Expressing that love doesn't excuse his poor behaviors. It doesn't even mean I forgave the things he did or forgot. It doesn't allow me to expect something in return... that sets me up for disappointment and bitterness! This Father's Day I'm expressing love to the men in my life, plain and simple, for it's own sake. I am encouraging my kids to do the same. I pray that God guides me today in choices that are healthy for me. I pray that He helps me sort out the many things within me. And I pray that He grants me not the things that I WANT, but the things that are good.
Thank you for posting and helping me get this out, too. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by sakina on Sunday 17th of June 2018 11:07:47 AM
Finding grace - I hear ya on the expectations... I had also spent many holidays silently crying in the bathroom... then telling everyone it was my allergies. It IS better to not have expectations... but not so easy to do all the time. I applaud your efforts - you are really working your program well!
Sakina - Thank you for sharing your words here. My hope is that one day I can share my love for my Ex in the manner you described...just for it's own sake. Right now, he's still thinking there is a chance I'll take him back, so it's tricky.
This morning my son asked me, "Oh, God! What do I write in Dad's card?" At that precise moment, I felt his pain, his indecisiveness. I knew exactly what he was feeling! I told him that your dad has a lot of good qualities. Write something from your heart." It felt good to say that. I also took the time to edit, print & frame a photo of the two of them I took at senior recognition night last week. I knew my Ex would love that, and it didn't disturb my serenity one bit to do so. I told my son, next year, you will have a job and YOU can figure out a gift if you so want.
Later on that day, my Ex thanked me and son for the cards and photo via text. He also said that he was packing up and moving to a sober-living house. After 7 mos. - it's felt like forever! He also mentioned he will be getting his car out of storage, making sure it was worthy, and renewing the insurance. I guess to let me know that he will be driving when Kid and he visit. I just had to reiterate with Kid the "no getting into the car if you think someone is drinking", and I made sure he knew that as an "almost adult," Kid should not be coerced or guilted into doing so by father. I added that he seems to be doing very good right now, so I don't expect any of this, but I wanted Kid to know that he can be strong and had rights in regards to this. He understood perfectly.
Because of my program, I am not panicking over this new development. Thank HP!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
