The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
HI AH has just admitted to drinking again. I was pleased he told me and i had compassion. However later he was watching a humorous programme on tv. I don't know why but I asked him if he was really unhappy. He said he was and it really upset me. I went upstairs not knowing what to do. I later came down and I was angry I turned the telly over to watch something else not knowing what to do. He has said I'm really selfish after I explained how I felt and that I turned the TV over as I was angry and didn't know what to do. He said he'll do it to me and I'm really selfish how do I think he feels? He will now be up all night after sleeping and maybe drink again and blame me. Is he right?
((Ling)) This is a frustrating, dreadful disease that we are dealing with. Please remember that you did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Not knowing how to respond to the disease was my normal until I found alanon meetings and picked up the tools such as detachment, the slogans and the serenity prayer.
Validating your confusion is a fine response, as well as saying. I am so sorry that you are feeling sad can i help?
Remember you are not responsible for his drinking regardless of what he says and how he justifies his actions
Treating him with courtesy and respect is always a great principle to live by as is being gentle with yourself.
HI AH has just admitted to drinking again. I was pleased he told me and i had compassion. However later he was watching a humorous programme on tv. I don't know why but I asked him if he was really unhappy. He said he was and it really upset me. I went upstairs not knowing what to do. I later came down and I was angry I turned the telly over to watch something else not knowing what to do. He has said I'm really selfish after I explained how I felt and that I turned the TV over as I was angry and didn't know what to do. He said he'll do it to me and I'm really selfish how do I think he feels? He will now be up all night after sleeping and maybe drink again and blame me. Is he right?
Is he right?
No.
And, we learn that in alanon. We didn't cause the alcoholic to drink. We can't control the alcoholic or their drinking. And, we cannot cure the alcoholic or alcoholism.
So, don't buy into that accusation.
The alcoholic may blame us. That is very, very common. However, it is not true.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Ling welcome and thanks for the memories of what I learned when I first got into the program. At that time is was about right and wrong also until I learned that my alcoholic/addict wife and I were involved in an incurable often fatal disease and that we were sick people not sane people. Much of what we did was not rational and we were never able to act rationally until we got into "reprograming" our lives to what was acceptable versus not acceptable. We struggled much more than I do now. Being right for me at times isn't very important yet I had to learn how and why to behave that way. Keep coming back. Feeling awful is often the sign of being sick. ((((hugs))))
Ling - so very sorry for the insanity brought about by this disease. I too played the 'right/wrong' game for a long time until I discovered in recovery that there are no winners. He is as right as he perceives he is and so are you - nobody wins when everyone wants to be right.
I did learn early on in Al-Anon to not ask questions unless I was open to the answers. I have jokingly said for more than 10 years that I'm allowed 1 question per day, so I gotta make it a good one....this has a ton of truth to it. Before my own recovery, I asked many questions as I was trying to cure, control, fix, change everybody and everything. My alcoholics found me quite annoying and were quicker to see my questions were probing and manipulative than I was....bottom line - they did not like them at all!
So - one of the first things I did was I stopped....asking how their day was. Asking how they felt. What they wanted for dinner. And a thousand other questions I asked trying to normalize an abnormal family. Instead, I practiced smiling and saying, "Good to see you!" "We are having ___________ for dinner." "It will be ready at ___________." I changed me and by default, things improved greatly at my home.
I slowly, through recovery, took my esteem and power back with some grace and dignity most of the time. I stopped reacting and I worked hard to not take crazy things personally. I also strongly believe that what others think about me is none of my business nor does it define me. I am where I am today, perfectly imperfect and more accepting of the same in others only because I was willing to do recovery for me and nobody else. I'm very grateful that Al-Anon exists and I finally found my way there! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ling, hi. Your share reminded me of my marriage before Alanon. Of course I was always right and my A was always wrong. We often had unpleasant dialogue and it got us nowhere. I started Alanon 5 years ago to learn how to fix my alcoholic. What I've been learning is how to fix me. I didn't see how the relationship broke me down, depleted me, and was wrecking my self-esteem. I'm in a much better place now. I have taken advantage of meetings face to face, a sponsor, readings, contacting program people, and of course, using this board. There is help and healing but it takes dedication and patience. Keep coming back, Lyne
Just had an argument with AH as he is drinking again because he has chosen to kill himself and he loves alcohol more than me. I realised he truly wanted to kill him self. He's angry at himself but I don't know whether I am able to watch him die anymore. I don't see why I should leave. I have no family.
Really upset AH is really pissed off that I didn't cook for him. He had prepared all the food but I was angry he had been drinking. (telling me is an excuse for him to feel better and carry on) and didn't want anything. He threw it away saying I was a cow for not cooking. I was thinking be can **make his own and didn't say anything except that I didn't want anything.
Ling,
Sorry for what is going on. Addiction is horrible and baffling, unfortunately it is a family disease. I remember being in a similar place with my AH, feeling angry, frustrated and confused. I kept trying to find different approaches to get through to him. No matter what I tried, nothing worked. For so long I thought I could change his behaviour, fix him somehow. The truth is I can only control myself, change only me. My life improved once I put the focus on myself. I still queitly struggle with some of his challenging behaviour, but I work not to react, I am learning tools through alanon. I hope you will keep posting, reading, and if you are not attending meetings, I hope you will consider it. It has helped me so much!
