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I still so confused and don't understand things. So many things AH does when he drinks still bother me. Like being loud and tuning out others. So I am suppose to "accept" this or ignore it and just concentrate on me. It's hard--his smell and loudness hard to do--and I feel resentful having to move myself to another room to be away from him.
And how do I spend time with him when he is not drinking and still not think about him when he is. So like we had made plans to go to beach this weekend when kids are away. But now that tonight he is drinking I don;t want to spend time with him now or then. Is that fair or right? How do I enjoy the time with him when he is not drinking a=when he is just a few hours away from drinking.
How can my teens sit next to him right now watching a TV game show they are all yelling at, and he is starting to slur words and he reeks of alcohol and they aren't bothered and I am here venting on the computer and I can't stand things.??? So I must be the problem right? The other week I was having the kids help me with the recycling.--and hardly any cans or bottles--which is unusual. So I made a comment about wondering where dad was putting his beer stuff but my older teen said "or maybe he is just not drinking as much"--so I really had to bite my tongue because I know that is not the case. So I must be the problem right--kids aren't bothered its only me???
So now I tried to go into another room he was in--smells like beer--so I have to febreeze. But now if he comes back to this room and smells the febreeze he is going to be mad. And I know he will say something and be mad at me. So now I am retreating to the bedroom--and I really hope to GOD he passes out in front of the TV so I can go to sleep alone.
And what makes me happy--I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want or what makes he happy. I feel like I know what makes me unhappy. I don't feel comfortable in my own house. Hard to separate when you live with the person and have to share a bed with them.
My friend keeps telling me to put all things in god;s hands--and while I know that God is the one in control--He can't stop me from smelling the beer on his breath or on the couch cushions. I get so mad and resentful that I have to be the one to make changes for myself to be comfortable in my own house when those changes make me resentful and not happy.
Go right ahead and vent... that is what we are here for! Sometimes it is all that is needed in that moment... some safe place to let all the negative out.
Toward the end, I did the whole Febreeze thing too... my spouse would get mad at that too! Go figure!
Luckily, I had been here on the boards long enough to know that I have every right to make my "zone" comfortable for me... and I was able to tell him I can't stand the smell, so I am doing something about that for ME! Totally taking it away from him...eventually, I had to tell him that I can't help it if this action makes him feel guilty. Because that is where the anger comes from. He KNOWS he drinks too much. He KNOWS that it is ruining his health. He KNOWS that you can't stand it. He KNOWS it is ruining his marriage. But the AV is always going to be stronger.
When I just couldn't take that life anymore, when I couldn't recognize myself due to the changes living with an alcoholic created, I left. Most difficult decision I ever made... best decision I ever made!
I wish you peace tonight!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Dancer, I feel for you! The smells! I remember how that got to me. And the more stressed I was, the more it bothered me. Maybe it's lucky for the teens -- perhaps they don't have the same cleanliness expectations that we do.
Do you have a face-to-face meeting? Getting out and being with people who understand can be comforting and bring strength while we are living with these difficult circumstances.
I still so confused and don't understand things. So many things AH does when he drinks still bother me. Like being loud and tuning out others. So I am suppose to "accept" this or ignore it and just concentrate on me. It's hard--his smell and loudness hard to do--and I feel resentful having to move myself to another room to be away from him.
And how do I spend time with him when he is not drinking and still not think about him when he is. So like we had made plans to go to beach this weekend when kids are away. But now that tonight he is drinking I don;t want to spend time with him now or then. Is that fair or right? How do I enjoy the time with him when he is not drinking a=when he is just a few hours away from drinking.
How can my teens sit next to him right now watching a TV game show they are all yelling at, and he is starting to slur words and he reeks of alcohol and they aren't bothered and I am here venting on the computer and I can't stand things.??? So I must be the problem right? The other week I was having the kids help me with the recycling.--and hardly any cans or bottles--which is unusual. So I made a comment about wondering where dad was putting his beer stuff but my older teen said "or maybe he is just not drinking as much"--so I really had to bite my tongue because I know that is not the case. So I must be the problem right--kids aren't bothered its only me???
So now I tried to go into another room he was in--smells like beer--so I have to febreeze. But now if he comes back to this room and smells the febreeze he is going to be mad. And I know he will say something and be mad at me. So now I am retreating to the bedroom--and I really hope to GOD he passes out in front of the TV so I can go to sleep alone.
And what makes me happy--I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want or what makes he happy. I feel like I know what makes me unhappy. I don't feel comfortable in my own house. Hard to separate when you live with the person and have to share a bed with them.
My friend keeps telling me to put all things in god;s hands--and while I know that God is the one in control--He can't stop me from smelling the beer on his breath or on the couch cushions. I get so mad and resentful that I have to be the one to make changes for myself to be comfortable in my own house when those changes make me resentful and not happy.
Thanks for letting me vent
Some of the slogans we learn in alanon not only help us, but they teach us -- a new way of thinking, acting, reacting, behaving, and more. For me, it was not the slogans, but the MEANING and METHODOLOGY BEHIND the slogans. Nothing changes if nothing changes...my sponsor and I spent months talking about what that really means. And what it meant, the methodology behind the words in the slogan, that helped me not only get better, but also helped me make progress, move ahead, and ultimately make decisions that were best for me. Nothing changes if nothing changes, in my experience, applies to many of the steps -- especially the first four steps.
The things he's doing are supposed to bother you -- alanon, and the work we do, is so that it doesn't consume us, ruin our day/night, week, etc. We are not supposed to accept unacceptable behavior -- but the things my wife did when she was drinking, yes, they bother me, but I was able, like you have done, to detach. Now, you are resentful for having to detach and leave the room -- now -- that's on YOU! The things he does are him, the things you do are YOU. Both impact you. His you cannot change. Yours you can. You see, there's an entire track of thinking and problem-solving here. That's my experience.
I went through a very similar stage as you are describing. I remember one Friday night -- we were going to our beach house (NJ shore) on a Saturday morning, early. And there it was, Friday night, she's drinking -- slurring her speech, reeking of booze, smoking, eating like an animal because she has the "munchies" and so on. What was I supposed to do? For me, it wasn't black and white, she was drinking or she wasn't. It was also about -- is this the type of life I want to live!?!?!? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I woke up early Saturday morning, she was somewhat hung-over, but agitated, dragging a bit, had a headache, was short-fused, not happy, etc. So, I made a decision NOT to go. She went ballistic. Guess what? I was well on the road to recovery...and...I didn't care. I did what was best, healthiest for me. I also knew that she'd be drinking again when we got to our beach house. I didn't want to be around her, that, etc. -- so I said NO. It's not that I didn't care what she thought. I wasn't being cold or a jerk about it. I wasn't being punitive. She said I was. OK, opinions vary. But it didn't bother me that she was angry at me for deciding not to go. I HAD MY BOUNDARY. And I HONORED it. I refused to accept unacceptable behavior OR PUT MYSELF IN UNACCEPTABLE SITUATIONS.
So, for me, it wasn't about the game-show, the beach, the kids, one day on and one day off, and all that. It was about -- is this the type of life I want to live...because nothing changes if nothing changes. No, you are not the problem. Yes, you have a role, you have a part in this, but all of what you are saying is NOT YOUR FAULT. The three C's -- remember? Maybe the program will work better for you if you start using more of it -- physical detachment you are doing, but you resent having to do it. OK, go work on that, work on getting past the anger and resentment. How? Acceptance. Talk to your sponsor. If you don't have one -- get one. Try the emotional detachment. How do you do that? Acceptance, letting go of the anger and resentment from the physical detachment, and focusing on YOU. What about boundaries? If you have some, maybe you need more. I agree with you about God...we pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out. To me, that means God is not going to do it for me...I will get the knowledge of his will, what he wants, feels, for me...and I have to pray FOR ME TO HAVE THE POWER to implement that. That's just me and my experience.
Nothing change if nothing changes. Keep coming back.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Dancer66... You Sure are in the Right Place :) I'm Glad your Here...
10 years ago when I Started Al-Anon, I was YOU... I had all those Resentments, and Anger was a Huge Driving point for me, it was about the Only Emotion I was Sure I had...
I Can tell you... Its NOT You... I know growing up in an Alcoholic Home as a Child, I Wished, and Hoped and Prayed my Dad would quit Drinking, and Spend more time with me, but For Me It Never Happened... And If I wanted Time with My Dad, I had to Do what He was Doing & Accept that was Going to include Alcohol... Because EVERYTHING did... Your Kids are Kids, They Love their Dad I'm Sure and they just like you "Wish" or Hope he is Drinking Less, or at least that was the Case for Me!
Its so Easy to Place the Blame on Ourselves, because we are in so Much Pain, and everyone else seems Fine, so It HAS to be Us...Right? Wrong... When I Started Al-Anon and Got Serious about my Program, I Truly Started to Heal... I Didn't even know what Kind of Eggs I Liked because I was too Busy Liking what my Alcoholics Liked just so as not to Cause any "Ripples" (The Frebreze you Mention Reminded me Of those Moments)
I have Finally Came out the Other side of Recovery, and it Truly Does Take time, One Day at a Time, TIME... But I can tell you this... You are In the Right Place, the Tools of this Program will if we Allow them, Heal us in Ways we Never dreamed... So Keep Venting, Keep Sharing your Story, Keep Coming back and Reading others Stories, because we all have Something in Common that can Help us Grow in Recovery... And you are SO WORTH Happiness, and Peace in your Own Home...
Dancer my belief is your kids are fully aware far more than you know .. I think the dichotomy of the situation is that this is how they connect with their dad. Ignoring the behavior for them is more about trying to find those seconds of connection. As a spouse or sig other I think it's harder to have similar compassion of wanting those moments with someone who smells and reeks of a bar.
My kids were so desperate for the any acknowledgement or attention they rationalized his behavior and were actually more forgiving than they were of me .. dad drinks what's wrong with mom mentality.
I think I found I was more angry and acted out more than their dad did at the time. That's me looking back.
Keep coming back and if you don't have How Alanon Works .. there is a paperback available at meetings or online I believe the paperback version is 6$. It's a plethora of information and reading stories of how people dealt directly with these kinds of situations in terms of emotionally and found their way through program to figure out what they wanted without being consumed by the Alcoholic. The reality is regardless of it you stay or go the long term effects are there until they are addressed .. I always figured it a head start in my own healing to start with me and work from there.
Big hugs, it works if you work it and you are worth it.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Dancer, and ((((hugs)))). What spoke to me most in your share was your resentment over having to make changes to make yourself comfortable at your home. I can so relate... I resisted any change whatsoever for years until I could no longer stand the pain. I had to change or go mad, that's pretty much how I felt, because the alcoholic in my life had no intention of changing. In one way this was me becoming ready to take Step 1, although I didn't know it at the time.
I continued to be in considerable pain, very confused and pretty crazy for months after first coming to Al-Anon. I still am now and again, but if I had to compare myself 1,5 years ago and now, I would say I was 100% crazy and unhappy then, and around 20-30% now. The numbers are kind of ridiculous to use, but for some reason I like the percentage thingy :) The thing I found early on in this program was hope and so I kept coming back. Meetings, literature, MIP, the various tools and slogans, reading the steps, eventually beginning to work the steps with a sponsor, some service work... I kept incorporating various aspects of this program more and more into my daily life, and in recent months I've also found some resources outside the program which for me work very well at this point and complement the program.
And like others here shared, there's the 3 Cs to remember... I still struggle with guilt / shame from the past, but some of that I feel lifting somewhat now that I'm almost halfway through doing the steps... Honestly, I still have trouble, deep, deep down, to truly accept that I really DIDN'T CAUSE and CAN'T CONTROL and CAN'T CURE alcoholism / the alcoholic, but I'm getting there, gradually, slowly... I believe I may be somewhere in the middle between knowing that intellectually and KNOWING that deep inside me as part of my being and the very attitude with which I live. There's a huge difference, and I had no idea before this program.
Take what you like and leave the rest & keep coming back, you are not alone.
