The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about the fourth step. The author shares that it can be easy to justify our own unacceptable behavior, but the fourth step helps us to overcome this with courage and self-discipline. When we freely acknowledge who we have been, we can make positive changes and choices about who we are becoming.
Today's Reminder: I am a human being with strengths and weaknesses, capable of achievements and mistakes. Because I accept this, I can look closely at myself. Today I will find something to appreciate and something to improve.
Today's Quote: "You never find yourself until you face the truth." Pearl Bailey
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The fourth step was a hard one for me, initially. Hadn't I been doing everything in my power to make things better? In taking the fourth step, I realized that I needed to better understand the boundary between myself and others - I couldn't be responsible for the actions of others, but I could take responsibility for how I responded to their actions.
Facing the truth about myself and my motives was not easy, but I'm glad I took that step initially, and I'm glad that I can continue to see myself as an imperfect human, one who is always changing, learning, and growing.
I hope you make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Skorpi i believe that i was the queen of justifying my thoughts, and actions before program. Truthfully I did not see anything wrong with this as everyone seemed to engage in this behavior. Enter program and heard "Changed attitudes aid recovery" and slowly I started to look within at my fondly held beliefs. I measured my blaming, judging and critiquing of others against alanon ' principles and found that when I do this, I give my power away to others and did not assume responsibility for my action.If it is all "their" fault then I am a victim and do not have the ability to change.
Enter program and I am told that I am powerless over others and that my habit of "Reacting" to situations is hurting me . That these tools I use are defects and need to be reviewed and replaced . I needed to learn to pause.and "Respond" to situations using alanon tools such as detachment,the serenity prayer and the slogans . I had to stop blaming others and focus on myself. I then learned how to validate myself and to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. Step 4 was the key to this new found freedom. How great is that?
Thank you to you both above! Such great shares on this topic!!
I can so relate... "Hadn't I been doing everything in my power to make things better?" Because of this belief, I too, justified my actions... b/c they were what I needed to do b/c of my qualifier's actions. Al-Anon helped me to see that I was in survival mode, and the fourth step helped me to see all the negative coping mechanisms I had developed and how they were ultimately hurting me!
At some point "you" need to put down the "victim" sign, and take charge of your own behaviors and life (INMHO)!
This was a great reminder for me, as tonight is graduation night for my Kiddo... my STBXRAH will be there along with most of his family...as will be my family. I will definitely bring my TOOLBOX!! LOL!!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Hump Day to MIP warriors....I am in a warrior mood/mode as that's what we refer to ourselves who stand in support of my friend with cancer who had surgery yesterday. It did not go as hoped yet we are in the rally mode with support, prayers and positive energy just for today.
The 4th step for me gave me insight into my own patterns that were unhealthy. I too thought I was 'above the fray' and the 'savior of the home, family, children, etc.' when in fact I was an equal part of the chaos/insanity most of the time. I took the disease personally and accepted blame, responsibility and more for much of which wasn't ever mine to begin with. Then, with me 'leading and managing' with an unspoken plan and agenda, I would get so frustrated, angry or sad when others weren't doing what I expected/told them to do...
Today, I have retired from all roles which involve the future, health, well-being, etc. of another. I strive to be of service without jumping in to lead/manage. It's still a practice daily and I'm grateful that perfection took a toss out the window with my retirement. I know that I can still have very black/white thinking left to my own will but when I align with God's will, I am more able to consider shades of gray too.
I am grateful to see myself as a work in progress without expectations for perfection. Progress on a daily basis is my 'sweet spot' and what I strive for. I hope everyone's having a lovely day - it's super hot here so I've been running errands most of today trying to do so before the hot settled in. Now I am hydrating for golf league this evening - looking forward to it - a really crazy, fun group that I'm glad I joined. I can tell you that before Al-Anon, there is no way I would have gone to a new event with 40-50 women all together by myself, walked in and just said, "I am new and want to join!" It is a miracle for me to have found my courage to do so several weeks back, and I now have more golf friends than I ever could have thought of!
It does work when we work it....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
