The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Thurs my A husband didn't come home. I wasn't surprise when he didn't come home all weekend. I figured he was off getting high again and probably lost his job in the process. So Saturday I sat down w/my 12 year old son and opened up to him. I could see how much his dad's behavior was hurting him. And I was tired of my son thinking I was the bad guy in this relationship. So I took the advice my husband's grandma gave me & told my son EVERYTHING.
I let him know that his dad has a drinking problem and that he has been using cocaine for the last 1-1/2 years. The poor thing was so disappointed but at the same time it was like a light went on. He started asking me if certain situations from the past happened b/c of his dad's addictions. I answered everything I could and admitted to him when I didn't have the answer. I let him know that it wasn't our fault. We didn't do anything to make this happen and that dad still loves us but that he has no control over this addiction. I let him know that we were moving b/c we could no longer afford our big house b/c his dad can't seem to hold down a job any more and spends all of our money on his drugs. And that he was reason we had to sell some of our stuff just to pay the bills. I mentioned moving into our new house without his dad (this really upset him) and explained that I couldn't have our A living w/us as long as he stays on this path of destruction.
I was amazed at how well my son took all of this. Don't get me wrong - he cried and got mad and can't understand why his dad is doing all of this. I tried to explain as best as I could and told him that I would get him all of the information he wanted from the internet that explained the draw of cocaine.
I warned him not to mention our chats w/his dad. I have finally admitted to myself that I am afraid of my husband....of him losing his temper. I am afraid of him hurting us if he gets mad at us while he is still high or drunk or while he is coming down from a high or drunk. The few times my husband has gotten physical w/me were when he was drunk. I have never seen him under the influence of coke that I know of although I suspect times that I think he was coming down. There is this weird look in his eyes (partially b/c his pupils are dialated). His face seems distorted and it scares me. My son said he would never say anything to him b/c he knows his dad would knock his head off and it would hurt. He made the brave comment that if dad hit me he would go off. It was really sweet and heartbreaking at the same tiem....but I told him that I would take care of myself & he was never to get in the middle of something like that. I told him that he only had to worry about protecting himself & his sister (she is only 3 years old) and that he is no match for his dad. He agreed.
He understands now that we will be moving into a little house of our own w/out his dad. And it hurts him but he understands it. I think he almost welcomes it. He loves his dad and cherishes his time w/him but I think deep down he is tired of worrying about him all of the time.
So right now I am concentrating on getting our lives set up separate from my A. I finally filled out the application for health insurance for us. I put my name on a waiting list for a P.O. Box at the post office for all of our bills to go to. I let my realtor know that I will probably have to sell my house "as is" & offer money back to the buyer for repairs & to let her know that I will be moving w/out my husband. I have talked to my parents, my sisters & my grandmother-in-law about what is going on so I will be sure to have the necessary support system needed when the time comes.
Now I just have to get up the nerve to contact a divorce lawyer. That will be the hardest step of all I think. There is finalty to it. I know that as soon as I do that and my husband is contacted about the divorce, he is going to lose it. That scares me. Deep down I know he will not fight me on what I want & need to do but there is this nagging feeling that it could get ugly. Living w/him after he finds out I have filed will be impossible. That is why I was waiting to move into my own place. It just amazes me how hateful he can be sometimes. And that hatefulness breaks my heart.
I know some of you responded last week when I asked if I should tell my son. So I wanted to let you know that I did and how it went. Believe it or not, that talk w/my son seemed to bring us closer together. He had been so distant b/c he viewed me as the trouble maker but now he has opened up so much, become very affectionate and helpful. I feel like I have my son back. That is a good thing.
Wow!!!! I know that things are really difficult for you right now... I am glad to hear that things are going well between you and your son now, honesty is always best, awesome job :)
Yes, there is still some hurdles ahead, but you can get past them. Just keep working the program and doing what you are doing. Glad to have you here!
Your son is blessed to have you, and so are we. I have not yet had that talk with my 11 yr old, but I hope I do as well as you seem to have. I am contiually impressed with the strenght of everyone here.
Keep taking care of you and yours... sounds like you are doing great!
- r
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
A very difficult thing you are going through. It seems that you have the right idea and attitude to get through this. I wish you the very best and hope it all goes easier that you think it might. Best wishes,
Sounds like you are handling this all very well considering the circumstances.
What to tell the children and what not is tough. Sounds like you gave it careful consideration and went w/ what you thought was right and it went very well. :)
Telling the kids not the tell the other parent something is also a very tough call. You put your and your children's physical safety first though. I've asked that of the children but only on very rare occasions. I also explain that I don't believe in it and only ask for it under very limited circumstances.
I'll pray for you and yours as others here have done for me.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I can only imagine what heart searching you have about doing what you have to do. Where I live which is admittedly in some real estate boom no matter what the economy is the houses as sold "as is". That is they are sold as they are and it is left to the buyer to make the repairs. I do not know if that is an option for you. Obviously you are not selling your home in the most ideal of circumstances.
I will pray for you and hope that you make it through this difficult time with grace and the love of the fellowship.
Thank you ALL so very much for all of the support & encouragement you give me. It helps me along this journey. Every day is full of doubt, second guessing every decision I make. When I come here and read all of the posts, it helps me. I know I am not alone in all of this...I am not the only one going through this kind of situation. I learn from everyone.
