Dear Molly -

Deep breaths.  Try not to take it ALL in at once.  Concentrate on smalls things one at a time.  Get through the day and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I struggled for a long time about not knowing whether I really truly wanted to work out my marriage to my A.  I had so many emotions, anger, fear, guilt, shame, lonliness.  Let me just tell you where I am now.

One day I woke & realized that I do love my husband but not the way I used to.  I realized that I was ready to move on w/my life after 13 years of marriage.  I was finally tired of being miserable & just want happiness again. So that is my goal now.  Ending my marriage, establishing my own life w/my kids and finally finding happiness again.

Something my husband told me when we were dating keeps coming back to mind lately.  Once when I was mad at him b/c he was ignoring me for his friends and going out w/his buddies instead of me, he said "I am not responsible for your happiness.  You are!"  I never really got that b/c I thought 2 people who were in love, strived to make each other happy.  But now I see that you have to be happy on your own first, with yourself & your life.  Once you have established that, you can find happiness with someone else.  Considering I have been married since I was 18, it has taken me a long time to get to this point.  But now I am working on my happiness and that of my children.  And I am feeling better now.

My point to all of this is you will get there too.  You will find your own happiness in yourself and then be able to make the decisions that you are looking for now.

God Bless.

QOD

(((((hugs, Molls)))))

Good for you for venting, letting it go & taking some freedom time for yourself!  Out, got some air, wind in the hair, sun on your face ~ the call of the wild!

When we get here most of us at somepoint very early on after of course we get over the fact that we are messed up too & have some work to do - we get anxious, irritated in a new & different way, we want the healing instantaneously!   Well depending on your relationship with God as some have to struggle towards a creator they feel lunched out on them completely...  others can get through the first three steps without too much agony, IF you can truly & completely surrender! 

Step 4 def stops you in your tracks & I tell newbies with that ominous step 6 right around the corner, it seems like your moral character/inventory seems like it has to be all bad.

I encourage us all to write/think of positive character traits as well.  When I did the 12 steps for the first time when I was 17, I used step 4 to lacerate & cut myself down to size.  I did not have one positive thing to say about myself, uber critical!  man!  You certainly weren't going to beat me to the punch...  I'll take myself down b4 anyone else gets the chance! tyvm

Now I can see that even some of those things I saw as "bad" or negative were only taken to an extreme by my perception (ok, or actual behavior) but in mild ways character flaws can be constructive.

Take some mild self-criticism...  if you use it to make positive changes that YOU WANT, that's wonderful.  If you are fearful, yet walk through a challenge in courage in spite of it, also positive.

I spent 20 yrs being dark, extremely negative ~ just really insecure!  Crazy to see ourselves this way.  I used to wish I could see myself through other ppl's eyes, I am beginning to see the light! 

I have anxiety attacks, hyperventialte, cry my eyes out & then feel better.  lost track of my nervous breakdowns...  but I'm learning to cope, still have a voice, have newfound understanding of what it means to love myself & am still here!  (thx be to GOD)

The slogans are great, I have about 4 pages of them, seems about time I post them again! 

So glad you went thru the work, felt your feelings, let them go, moved on.  Major progress in a short span of time!  Man, this Program truly works when you apply it.  Kudos to you.

I've spent many days not ODAT ~ one day at a time but literally, one MOMENT at a time.  The Blessing in that everything changes  is that, 'this too shall pass.'

So be gentle on yourself, we have to work thru things, it's like the papryus coming out of the cocoon, without the struggle the moth/butterfly wouldn't have the strength built up to fly!

love, -Kitty of Light  

Thank you again Kitty -

Second day in a row you've reached across cyber space and touched me - thank you - it really does mean a lot.  There is no doubt that for me it is truly one moment at a time.  I tried really hard this morning to focus on work - and stay present - it was hard - but I managed.  Once clients left - I lost it - thus my freak out.  This board is helpful, and hopeully I will find a sponsor soon.

This is my second round with alanon - obviously I should have stuck with it - anyway, it's interesting that this time I'm really strugging with step 2 - where as last time it was an easy and comforting step - I can't figure out why I'm stalled out - I think I'm holding my HP responsible for my crappy decisions - or some other such crap.  Will keep at it till I get through it.

Deciding to go on the ride was a positive decision - which I think I was able to choose after reading the posts yesterday, reminding me not to obsess. 

I really hate that abandoned feeling - it's the one that really drops me into that place. 

I love the slogans!  Again, thanks.

M.

Keep coming back, the rollercoaster gets tamer.

Josey