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I am back! I was out there for awhile believing that things had gotten better. You would think with my years of exposure to the alcoholics tricks, lies and empty promises I would know better. My AH has been drinking vodka every day, even on his driving job putting himself, our families financial security and many innocent people on the road around him in harms way. Over the weekend he attempted to get himself to a treatment center about 3.5 hours away. The problem was, he was too intoxicated to get there and he lost his debit card to the new account that he created after he decided to move all of "his" money to a new account. He lost the debit card on Friday night while out drinking and I am no longer on the new account and he had no idea what bank he put the money in. I am a nurse working 12 hour nights and I am currently on a 5 night stretch. I am on night 4. On my way to work Saturday evening I got a call from the counselor of the addiction center about 3.5 hours away saying they had him on the phone and he was sick and crying that he needed a ride there. I made a few calls and got no where so when I got to work I called the local police and they went to my house to take him to the local ER (not at my hospital ) and they did something called a marchman act and he is in the local detox center until Wednesday. He has only called me once to say he was at the detox center and that was all we said. Prior to Saturday I had contacted a attorney for consult to file for divorce. The police officers said he went willingly and he seemed grateful to go. I am still going to see the attorney to put some protections in place for my teen son and myself. I don't want to file for a divorce as he is making this effort, but I have no trust with him and I am so angry that he could take all the money out of our joint account that was used to pay our bills. I have my own account as well and I know I can do what I need to for my own financial well-being, but that is not what I should have to do. The addiction center that is 3.5 hours away has been contacting me daily and they insist that he needs to come there after for an intense 45 day treatment or he wont stay sober. I can't talk to my AH so I don't know what his plan is. I left a message with the nurse to give him the number so he can call and he hasn't done that so far and the addiction center has done the same. Its up to him now and I really don't know what I want to do. It's been so peaceful the last 2 evenings before work to not have him here and worry that there will be a fight or see him passed out and unavailable on my couch. I also get angry thinking of him at the detox center and thinking he might think all will be hunky dory because he agreed to go to the detox. I know why he would think that way, I have allowed this man to treat me this way for a long time. I am just so mad, hurt and angry. My teen son is feeling the same way. Please send us some positive energy. We are facing him coming out of detox on Wednesday or Thursday.
Sorry to hear of this predicament. I know full well the bear yourself up.for someone else's problems issue.
I have to let go of a lot of stuff daily and say it is beyond my.control.
I have been around the block.with rehab insisting on what #I # must do. I know whatever I did nothing much affected the now ex A' s sobriety.
Financial chaos often goes along with an alcoholic on.the way down. My expectations were way off. I kept expecting him to shape up. That was unrealistic. I don't know I knew how to e realistic at all.
You have a lot of people rooting for you.
I know an alcoholic in denial has absolutely unrealistic expectations but you.dont need to have them too.
For me pretty much every day it is one day at a time. My life gets better but in some ways it gets harder. The chaos the ex A generated was a great distraction for me
I needed that distraction for a long time in my life. For some reason too I needed someone to blame for my unhappiness.
Keep sharing and taking it one step at a time
Thank you for replying to my post. I am seeing an attorney tomorrow just to protect my son and myself. I am anxious because the AH is coming out of detox tomorrow or the next day. It's been so peaceful without him in the home and I could get used to it long term. I am feeling like I need to be done for real this time. I want to do what I need for me for a change. I can't get time back and I have wasted enough time. I just feel a sense of guilt that I am considering a divorce when he could be going into rehab. I just don't trust that he is serious and I know that I have made it easy for him to not have to get sober or stay sober. I am also mad that I know he didn't think or feel any guilt when he closed all of our accounts this past week, leaving me and my son without the financial resources to take care of things and the many awful things that he has done in the past. I am taking this one day at a time, but it has been hard.
He is not showing you his unwavering love of you or your son - no truly supportive spouse/father would leave you penniless! I can tell you know that. I had the same feelings of guilt... do you want to know what my sponsor told me? "Well, now your spouse is in THE best place to get help with dealing with the break-up of your marriage." Took me awhile, but I believe her!
See that attorney. Learn your options. Keep doing what is best for you and your son... Period.
Wishing you Peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Welcome back...I have found it is very common to fall into "things have gotten better" -- we want them to be better, we have expectations, and when we don't, we still have hope. There's a great deal of hope in alanon. My experience is that at first opportunity, we forget about the tricks, the lies, the manipulations, the broken promises, and so on...because we want to!!! So, for me, I didn't beat myself, but I snapped back to reality. Part of what always beat me, hurt me, etc., was not having real awareness, a real grasp of reality. That was me in denial!!!
When my wife was drinking every day, driving, jeopardizing our financial well being, the safety of others, and so on -- when I got back on track -- I had acceptance over the fact that...she has made her statement. She has made her decision. I didn't get caught up in all the drama, lying, arguments, blame, etc. She was drinking...because she wanted to. I am professionally familiar with the Marchman Act -- the Hal S. Marchman Alcohol and Other Drug Services Act of 1993.
In the same situation, yes, I too still went to see the attorney -- because it was the "right" thing for me to do, it was the next right thing in front of me, for me, it was the healthy thing for me to do. I only held off on filing for divorce UNTIL I could determine what she was going to do after detox...and rehab!!! If she wanted to quit, and get better, it was going to be detox AND rehab. Not what she wanted to do, but what the professionals advised. I was not going to accept "I went to detox, I am fine now, I won't drink" because I was not going to be a human ATM machine giving out an endless supply of one last chance(s). She went to detox, and begrudgingly agreed to go straight to rehab, same day. At first she wanted to come home "for a day or two" so she "could take care of a few things" so to speak. I told her that was her decision. She asked me if I would or could be OK with that. I said it was her decision, but the doctors had recommended same day and if she didn't it was up to her, and it would play out how it would play out. She overtly asked me "If I come home for a few days, will you file for divorce?" I told her, she had to make a decision as to what she wanted to do about her drinking, about her life, and that me filing for divorce shouldn't be the deciding factor in what she decides about what direction she wanted to go with her treatment, her life, etc. She ended up saying "Well, if you are going to file for divorce anyway, I might as well come home and drink if I want to" -- and that's all I needed to hear. I said to her, "it's up to you" and I ended the conversation. She, on her own, decided to go straight from detox to rehab.
Toward the middle of a 30 day rehab stay, the doctor, her counsellor, and a therapist said if that was the decision day, they would recommend another minimum 30 day stay. I listened. She was already wanting to come home. Being she was there voluntarily, she could in fact leave any time she wanted to. For me, it was all about two things -- one, was she going to stay until THEY said she was ready to come home...and more importantly, two...WHO was she going to be when she got home. I mean was she going to come home, with the AA material, the IOP material, call the IOP, sign up, go straight to an AA meeting, find a sponsor, start going to meetings, work the program, go to IOP, and live a life of recovery...or was she going to do it "her way" so to speak.
I will say, while all this was going on -- I was angry that she could be thinking that everything would be OK just because she went to detox and/or rehab. Most alcoholics -- who don't want to get better -- think this way. They went to detox/rehab for the "wrong" reasons. So, nothing changes if nothing changes...for the alcoholic and for us!!! You know what to do. When he comes out of detox, if you look, really look, and you are not in denial, you will see what you need to see. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Aloha Mamakat and welcome back to the board. Your post reminds me of an early in recovery statement that if I didn't do something about me...it would only get worse and did it ever. This is a progressive disease and what ever you think he is in your life ...he is your alcoholic. The man and the family is suffering with a life threatening disease. It kills on and on and on. Sending you compassion and empathy and hope you find a face to face Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can...take your son and let him listen to the ESH in the rooms...he needs to have a chance also. When you're there ask about Al-Anon literature, they may have a literature table available. Did you ever find a sponsor when you were here earlier? Do you still have their phone number? Just asking ...sponsors are gold. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Facing the hard reality of the loss of the life I had dreamed of hurts so bad. Why are the ones who love alcoholics so willing to accept such bad behavior and hurt? I don't want to be a victim. I would tell anyone else to run, but sometimes my feet are stuck . I need to find a face to face meeting for my son and myself. I need to accept what is and face realiity. I don't have a sponsor and I need to get to some meeting. I am still facing him coming out of detox with a sense of dread because this little time of peace could be done and I could be sucked right back into the game. Hoping I don't.
Hi mamakat. Going to meetings and getting a sponsor is the best thing you can do for you and your son. I love what Jerry said above. This may be an opportunity vs a loss? That's something we can never predict with alcohol. The only thing we can depend on is the rooms of this program and getting help for the way the A has effected us. The more time I spend in here, the more I see how the A's effect/ed my life. From birth until now. I used to say it takes hostages.......lately I am saying it creates survivors. Healthy survivors. My emotions today do not depend on what the A's in my life are doing. My feet used to be stuck too. 23 years of stuck on a roller coaster.....one day at a time and those feet can move again whether he goes to treatment, whether you get a divorce or don't get one.
Hugs!
I hope you keep coming back .. it will help you heal from this mess .. you can remove the alcoholic from the situation however the damage still needs to heal.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
) and they did something called a marchman act and he is in the local detox center until Wednesday. He has only called me once to say he was at the detox center and that was all we said. Prior to Saturday I had contacted a attorney for consult to file for divorce. The police officers said he went willingly and he seemed grateful to go. I am still going to see the attorney to put some protections in place for my teen son and myself. I don't want to file for a divorce as he is making this effort, but I have no trust with him and I am so angry that he could take all the money out of our joint account that was used to pay our bills. I have my own account as well and I know I can do what I need to for my own financial well-being, but that is not what I should have to do. The addiction center that is 3.5 hours away has been contacting me daily and they insist that he needs to come there after for an intense 45 day treatment or he wont stay sober. I can't talk to my AH so I don't know what his plan is. I left a message with the nurse to give him the number so he can call and he hasn't done that so far and the addiction center has done the same. Its up to him now and I really don't know what I want to do. It's been so peaceful the last 2 evenings before work to not have him here and worry that there will be a fight or see him passed out and unavailable on my couch. I also get angry thinking of him at the detox center and thinking he might think all will be hunky dory because he agreed to go to the detox. I know why he would think that way, I have allowed this man to treat me this way for a long time. I am just so mad, hurt and angry. My teen son is feeling the same way. Please send us some positive energy. We are facing him coming out of detox on Wednesday or Thursday. 