The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, dealing with some craziness this weekend, but I am thankful that I have my Anon-tools that I can use when necessary!
Kid is graduating on Wed. Last month I reached out to his father to let him know the date and that each graduate gets ONLY 6 tickets. We could split them in half. He could decide who gets his two extra. Since his memory isn't so great, I texted his sister (who has been the "contact person" of his side of the family through all this).
A couple days later, I find out from the school that each graduate may purchase up to 4 extra tickets. So naturally I told both of them that I will take two and they can have the other two if they wish... they were $5.00 each. I also let them know that if they want the two extra, Kid only has the date of May 31st as the purchase date. The school will not accept another date. His sister contacted me and told me she wanted the two extra tickets for her son & his girlfriend and that she would send me the money.
All good.
Fast forward to yesterday. RAH called me asking if there was any way I could get more tickets. I told him "No, I explained how the tickets worked to everyone, that's all we get." He then proceeds to tell me that his brother is wanting to know, b/c he was "supposed to get a ticket," and "he's his Uncle" etc. I told him firmly but kindly, "I am sorry that I can't produce more tickets, but I had no decisions in how your tickets were distributed in your family."
Last night I got a voicemail from his brother - the brother who has been basically no contact with me these last 9 months). I called him today and we just went on and on about how he was done "wrong" by his sister b/c "last month she put out a group text about who wants a ticket, and I was the first to text her back about wanting to go, and I'm Kid's Uncle, one of his Godparents, and if there was any way at all I can get more tickets?" So I gently told him that I can't get in the middle of your issues with your sister on this, but from MY end, this is what happened. I told him what the school requirements were. I then told him I told RAH AND the sister how many tickets were made available. Also where my allotment of tickets were going. I then told him that the school - just this week - opened up 100 field-level seating tickets at $20.00, but I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know anyone else wanted a ticket (ie: NO ONE BUT HIS SISTER EVER CONTACTED ME ABOUT TICKETS) and I just checked the school website and they are all sold out. There are no ticket sales at the door of this event, and if it rains, only TWO tickets are viable regardless of how many tickets the graduate's family has purchased. I said I could tell how badly he wants to attend, and I am sorry his sister took the last two tickets for her son and his girlfriend, but he would have to discuss that with her. Perhaps she could be convinced that the Uncle has precedence over the cousin's girlfriend... but I can't get in the middle of that.
He was trying to lay the guilt on thick!! He was also trying to get me to react to THEIR FAMILY stuff!! In the past, I would've tried so hard to please everyone that I would've gotten involved where I really shouldn't be... just to try and please everyone... and all to the detriment of my peace!! Today I was able to apologize for not being able to influence the school (without actually feeling the guilt), empathize with his needs not being met, but was able to tell him that this issue is HIS FAMILY'S dynamics...I don't want to be involved!!
I hung up the phone feeling empowered... instead of sad, hopeless and frustrated! Thank you program!!!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 3rd of June 2018 02:56:05 PM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Yes, it IS a huge step for me... in the past I was always trying to be the "fixer." It is a hard habit to break! But the feeling I felt after I ended the conversation was AMAZING! No tears, no guilt, no shame.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 3rd of June 2018 03:16:34 PM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Way to go girl - so agree! I am loving the program in action in your shares, and I hope you feel as good about it as I do watching it unfold...
I have always said that family is challenging and then with this disease, it's almost impossible to navigate with peace/grace. Yet, with our program, it is possible. You done great - keep doing you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, IAH!
I hope you enjoyed your meeting and Sunday afternoon!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((posiesandpuppies))) great job working the program. Glad you took care of yourself in this situation. Great job using "say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean." Sometimes we can say the same thing a hundred different ways but the other person is just not open to hearing it. Who wants to get enmeshed in family drama. You gave all the information but others didn't follow through. You set a boundary and didn't let it become your problem. You knew you were not responsible and you didn't become a "fixer." Maybe it will work out for the uncle but you are right that is not your fight to fight. He can take it up with his sister. Thank for sharing. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I love it PnP you handled that really well. I know how challenging the family drama can be around special events. What a nice way to handle it and let it go.
HUGS!!!
KT
Thanks T2T - Nowadays, I really, really try hard to "Say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean."
Thanks, KT!
And you know? I got a call from the sister yesterday letting me know they worked it out! Yay!!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - I love when I stay on my side of the street and it gets worked out without me....just confirms for me one my my favorite (non program) slogans - "Not my circus; not my monkeys!" Good on you for letting the chaos carry on without you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
