((((2143))))  one of the many things that alcohol is; is a chemical depressant and I would suggest that you find out as much as you can about the chemical and the disease.  I suggest that as it was suggested to me in early Al-Anon which eventually led me also to college to come in part to the understanding of this mind and mood altering chemical and why the word insanity is most often used when explaining it.  I am truly empathetic with what you are going thru and what has happened.  That is not a sane picture you painted here and I hope you will make a whole hearted effort to come to understanding of what was his part in this and what is yours...the parts fall all over each other and then they are so different.  You didn't cause this, you couldn't control it and you are not able to cure the disease which has troubled both of your lives.  

I also considered suicide early on when the disease of addiction was raging in my first marriage but the God of my understanding intervened.

Early on I got the suggestion of lots of Al-Anon meetings and that worked and still does.  I also got the understanding of the literature and getting a sponsor and working the program.  One of the most surprising results for me was having my alcoholic/addict 2nd wife become the metaphor for humility which I needed in order to learn that I could be wrong about so very much about this disease and those who suffer and have suffered from it. Where I thought she would die to the addictions and never get sober and clean she showed a deep courage in allowing herself in being teachable on her way to sobriety.  

Your husband has found his way to sobriety and you still have choices.  I am in support.  Please keep coming back to this family and listen for the suggestions.   ((((hugs))))

I'm so sorry. There really aren't any words........Alcoholism is horrific in how it can warp the thinking/all thought processes and cause major depression. I am what the program calls a "double winner" meaning I'm in recovery for alcoholism and also in Alanon for the effects it has and does have on my life, or maybe a better way of saying this is "the effects it has on my thinking."

When I relapsed after 17 years of sobriety..I too went thru bouts of honestly believing everyone would be better off without me. The warped thinking. The lies alcohol tells the one using it. Part of the warped thinking in an odd way kept me from carrying out the final act of doing myself in. My brothers suicide. He too shot himself in the head. 10 months before that our younger brother overdosed. God used these things to bring in some halfway "sane" thoughts. I knew my parents would have not be able to go through another death. My reaction was still not normal, I hadn't been able to get sober again yet after losing the years of sobriety. I got so angry with my brothers! The feelings of guilt and "what if's" I had just done this or that....... all left and turned into anger. I was angry at them because I could not kill myself and I was stuck here. All of that was again, 100% the alcohol talking.

I don't know if it helps any sharing some of my thoughts and feelings during those years. You are so right in saying alcohol changed your husbands brain. That is the part I am hoping to really validate in all this....I've watched it and lived it. I'm also so very grateful for the 12 step programs and God restoring me to sanity. I had a very delayed reaction during my relapse to the grief trying to be "oh so strong" for everyone else. Add alcohol to that and it's a powder keg waiting to blow. I watch now as my dad drinks himself into the same shape, year after year, day after day and struggles with the alcohol induced depression. He's done that since I was a child BUT, today I have a fellowship in this program that helps me live life with peace and yes, even joy. I can only take care of myself one day at a time. I can't control what alcoholics or addicts do. I can only do "just for today" with God and leave the rest. I love my life today in spite of what the effects of alcohol is having on or had on myself or loved ones.

I hope you keep coming back, find some face to face meetings and in time, learn more of how this disease effects all of us who have/had alcoholics in our lives. I didn't realize until coming into this program, and really working it with others who have been down this road, just how much the alcoholics in my life...... had seriously effected all facets of my life. You said everyone keeps saying he was just sad. That in itself speaks volumes to how little people know about alcohol and the effects even if they are not drinkers themselves. It really is a family disease that takes hostages without help for us as we learn more about the effects of it all. There is hope and there is healing.

Hugs

I'm very sorry... (((((Hugs)))))

Welcome 2143, and my heart goes out to you for the reason you needed to post here. But you have found a wonderful place of support.

We have ALL been affected by a loved one's drinking/addiction. Many of us have lost that loved one. Many of us feel guilt about our parts in the disease, or our imagined lack of support, or that we found OUR recovery and our loved one still drinks, or that we survived, and they succumbed. Guilt can eat you from the inside. Please be gentle with yourself... you did not Cause It, you could not Control It, nor could you have Cured It.

But you CAN keep coming back! For YOU! Everything will be raw right now. Seek out support, give yourself some extra TLC... b/c living with, and loving an addicted person is so, so very damaging to our psyche's!!
If you are like me and just "had to know" the brain dynamics of addiction, then seek out those answers... I found much information on how addictions to substances - alcohol in particular - really DOES change the brain chemistry. That information allowed me to understand some of the "why's" of this devastating disease. It helped me move to the stage of ACCEPTANCE. That was a huge deal for me.

Sending you light and love over the 'net.

Peace

I read your post -- over and over again, innumerable times. Many times, words are hopelessly inadequate. Sometimes, there are no words to express or offer. I am so very sorry for your loss, and the horrible tragedy your family has experienced. While mourning and grieving is -- and should be -- part of anyone's process of "getting through" such a horrible experience, my own personal experience with loss -- is that the alanon program can help with whatever process, and with "getting through" whatever it is you need to go through.

Your shock, disbelief, pain, sadness, and even the guilt you are feeling -- is all normal. It is perhaps the only normal thing , with everything else being so abnornal so to speak. Feeling guilty for all the anger and resentment you had is very normal -- it's part of how we dealt with what we had to deal with. With everything you face, everything we faced, that this disease presented to us, threw our way, caused us to face -- how could we not be angry and resentful. I've heard people say you wouldn't be normal if you weren't. I've always felt that anger and resentment was necessary -- in order to get past it of course. Loving, being in love with an alcoholic is a painful and difficult journey. It brings about situations, feelings, and numerous other things that many of us have never had to face before, and perhaps will never face ever again. The results of alcoholism don't make any sense, not to us, not to anyone.

I wish there was specific advice, guidance, I could give. There is not. All I can suggest is that you look to your family, friends, the people closest to you, who care the most about you. Allow them to help you, to be there for you. That will help you get through this and deal with what you need to deal with. If you can spike up your face to face meetings, talk to your sponsor, and look to the parts of the program that offer you aid, comfort and support. Also know there is an entire world of people -- all of us -- who feel for you, wish you nothing but feeling and getting better, and our warmest thoughts and prayers are with you.

I wish you speed and agility in getting through this. I wish you serenity, comfort, and peace...as soon as possible...and my thoughts and prayers are with you.