Well it's one foot in front of the other over here.  I am having to battle with that familiar companion, depression, and try to stay in the moment.

The kids are good and for that I'm grateful.  School is going well and already that's a half year gone with some good interim grades. My last exam for the semester is tomorrow.  I was feeling quite apprehensive but having completed one I was reassured that in spite of  a memory that isn't as sharp as it used to be, ( I wonder if that's because now, we have an internet? So information doesn't encode the same way into long term memory,hmmm), it is still sharp enough. All these up till 2am jaunts feeling like a zombie have been worth it.  It strikes me as I re-read that, what a striking difference it is to a relationship with an alcoholic, whether partner, friend or family member.  In that situation, one pours in so much energy and sees no dividends. I suppose that has impacted my world view, re: effort.  Subconsciously perhaps I have given up many times on things that mattered because the result was always negligible.  So it is a really nice change to see that what I am putting in, is being transformed and returned. What a revealing morning post lol. 

We were asked at the beginning of the semester to write down our reasons for studying.  This was to remind us of why we were here when the stress starts kicking in and the temptation to quit is high.  My reasons were based partly on gratitude.  I was and am grateful to be able to pursue the subject I have always loved especially because I really thought that it was all over for me. That the rest of my life stretched before me in the absence of intelligent conversations, of making a difference to the world, and instead would be filled with domestic servitude which I am not and never will be naturally good at.  

What makes me happy in life, is going out for coffee and thinking and sharing thoughts.  And of course, making sure my children are given all the necessary opportunities to not waste time in the school of hard knocks like their mama did. Honestly, what a waste of life much of my life has been! I suppose I am ready to start caring for me in a deeper way now.  That inner place which I am sensing as I type.  I have missed this board.  

Life is hard on the home front.  My space is not really how I like it although i am surrounded by the most gorgeous scenery. The reef is literally accross the road and soaring mountains are visible in the backyard.  It is sad though that I can not go up into my favourite mountain spot anymore, because all the tourism development means there are two bunches of quad bikes travelling up there twice a day and it ruins the peace.   The last thing I want to see or hear up in the valleys are humans on machinery.  Defeats the entire purpose of being there. 

Finances are non-existent which is probably what is bringing me down a bit.  I really like going out for coffee and breakfast, and I miss the veneer of comfort married life afforded in some aspects. It was fun going out with the kids to get cake and coffee and to the park and shopping.  Fun, but I did always know it was temporary. Besides, they are happy here and it is so cute watching my five year old negotiate social interactions. She is also learning a second language, which is our traditional language and I am so proud it brings tears to my eyes. She has turned out to be quite strong physically and mentally. Thank the above one for gymnastics, because although she is smaller than almost everyone else, the kid has formidable muscles and is super fit. She has taught herself to do a handstand to bridge and kick back over on the grass and has been stretching every day since she was 2. At some stage, I will have to take her back to a larger country because the kid needs a coach.  

The youngest one is also doing well. She has growing an identity seperate to that of her role in the home, making friends and you know at almost four, they are working out the rules and apply them earnestly and somewhat rigidly, it is so cute. Im not allowed to tell her that it's cute however.  Cute is for babies. She goes to pre-school and has her own teacher, thank you very much.

The oldest is happy in the sense that he is free and! He is now toileting totally independently with no accidents. I really honestly feared I would be cleaning his butt at 20. Had we stayed where we were, it probably would have been that way because the public school didnt have the resources to toilet train a then six year old and he had to wear pull ups which was confusing for him. The school holiday periods were not quite long enough to set the habit.  So that is good. But there is no appropriate school for him so he is being home schooled.

I guess all the things that matter are growing and I just have to keep plodding along and keeping the faith.  Sometimes that is hard and sometimes it is  less hard.  

Well that's me for the moment.

Keep on keeping on all.