The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before I found this site, I saw things more in black and white. If you are being verbally and emotionally abused, get OUT! I spent a lot of time on abuse sites, and I could blatantly see that I was with an abuser. He fit the description to a 'T', but I kept wondering why it just didn't seem so simple. I spent most of my time getting a lot of support from people when I said I'd decided to leave, but when I'd come on and hadn't left yet, the people would be saying to me - I thought you were getting out! I started feeling like a real loser, just because I felt as though I didn't have the strength to get out and that I would rather just come in and complain about each incident as it arose, but that I wasn't doing anything to make things better.
Despite the pain and the sickness, there could be times of normalcy where I really felt that there were a lot of good reasons to stay. He was abusive all right, but he didn't prevent me from my independence. As a matter of fact, a lot of the time when he was drunk I'd feel as though I had a child I had to take care of. I'd have to stay up until he'd passed out, so I could make sure that he put out his cigarettes, etc. I'd help him to bed, but after a while I wasn't strong enough and would leave him in his chair. He'd usually get up in the night and find his way to bed. He never missed a day of work though.
I became so very confused, because I became sick from his sickness or his sickness seemed to bring out things in me that I had and didn't know were there. Both my parents were extremely brilliant, but both tended to have addictive personalities - but not to alcohol or substance - but people addictions, gambling addictions and codependency - things of that nature, which are more to where I lean as well. I never understood how to detach myself from the sickness so I could lead a productive life, myself.
I've learned more about myself in this relationship than any other, and the most important thing I have learned is about my strengths and that I have the ability to like myself for who I am. Being around someone who has this disease has made me have to be the strong one (emotionally) in many cases. It has made me have to stay sane, in a sometimes insane environment. It has also broken me in other ways, but I'm seeing ME more than I ever have.
I realize that he really wants to be with me, but doesn't feel worthy of me, for all that he's done. Yes - I do rub his nose in it when we are fighting. I don't let the past go. I make sure he remembers everything he has done to hurt me, and he tries to do the same to me (although he likes to bring up things I have done wrong, but not to him - just my imperfections as a human being).
Since he really seems to want to make the relationship work and he really wants me to let that past go (which I would love to, since it has been very hurtful), would it be possible to start anew? I mean - can people really do this or is there too much damage and is it better to move on?
I'm so confused right now on this issue, that I can't think straight. I'd like to believe that I could really forgive and let go and open my heart up again. I'd love to do nice things for him again (which I really cut back on, once the abuse started). I'm a giving person, and it's really hard not to be that way, based on the fact that I feel that by giving to someone who has taken so much away from me, that I truly must be a loser.
I think the decision to leave or stay has to come from you. I can understand your ambivalence. Some of what I try to do is to work on boundaries and limits. I think it is understandable to cut back on being nice when someone has cut you down. Sometimes maybe that has to go for a while. Why not be nice to yourself instead?
I do think people mean well when they pressure you to leave but when it comes to making it a big deal that you have not left perhaps it is their own control issues that are at work. I think personally an adult has to decide for themselves and the decision to leave is a complicated one. Many people on this board make both decisions they stay and they leave so there is a lot of acceptance here for the decision you make.
Sometimes for me the decision is to make better choices for myself. That is it. Beating myself up is not a good choice. I can understand the choice because that is what I learned to do as a child. I do not know where people come from beating up people verbally becasue they don't get "it" don't do the steps they way they demand they do them, don't "get" it the way they do and more. I do know that control is an issue for many of us. I also know that helping others as a way to try to control my environment was a compulsion for me. Personally I had my own epiphany when after my mother died one of my friends (who I believe has control issues) told me how to grieve her and then dumped me because I was not grieving her to her standards (she could not conceive I could grieve at all).
Finding the right people to support us in this journey is difficult. I try to be here as much as possible because the chances of being beaten up metaphorically for not reading the big book are smaller here.
Hi Hadenuff: I was reading your post here and Maresie's reply. I agree with what she said. I can say for myself that I went through similar experiences (even in this program with some people)....not here on this site....at my f2f meeting on Saturday. I would say I am leaving....come back the next week with my tail between my legs, and give them all sorts of excuses why I am staying.
I loved my husband then, and still love him today. We ended up getting divorced, now we are really 'good' friends (which we were not when we were legally married)....and I KNOW that we love and respect each other today (we did not when we were married)....and we are having FUN and LAUGHING, which we didn't do when we were married. The disease is not easy to deal with; however, I have found in this program the tools that I need in order to combat the darn thing.
It has taken time to get better spiritually, mentally and emotionally, and learn to take care of myself in relationships....I had to learn to put down boundaries and stick with them even though it didn't feel good (doing something good for myself didn't feel good in the beginning, however, over time I have come to LOVE being good to me despite my periodic lapses into the disease within me and others, including my husband); I still call him that because he is the only husband I will have in this lifetime.
I know we all do different things but I don't feel that you will be judged when you decide to leave, and then next week, you come back. LOL We all have that ambivalence when it comes to our loved ones. Anyhow, I'm sending prayers to you and your hubby....HP knows what HE is doing so try to hand it over to Him, and please, keep coming back here. WE LOVE YOU! Scamper
It is hard to see ourselves positively, when we have been burdend with other people's crap for so long.
I have been with my "A" for almost years now, and he has been active for almost that whole time. I to feel like I have given so much of myself.
I really don't think that this makes anyone a loser. Being able to offer that ammount of love to a person, is a truly wonderful gift. I see it as a strength with some areas for weakness. So I am working on my boundaries, and working on me. When I am focused on me, all I have to do is love him, and all the other stuff goes on the backburner.
I have been really working on me this week, and I haven't focused on him, and this was a great week.
Hope you find the encoragement that you need.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I came into this program hell-bent on staying, and here I am over a year later alone with my boys for just 3 days and can feel the change in all of us without he constant tension. I rode the rollercoater, listened to a lot of ESH and changed my mind a thousand times.
I am now at peace.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 01:04, 2006-04-04
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Boy do I relate to this share about indecision on leaving the relationship. The thing about this MIP family is that it doesn't matter what decision you make we will support you. We are here for you for the long haul and always will be remember that. Luv Leo xx
Hi Hadenuff, boy that is a tough question. Only you can answer that one. I have been struggling with that for several years now. My story is, met my hubby in 1989, I was 31, he was 32. He was divorced twice (my 1st clue lol.) I was never married, because everyone I dated was an alcoholic/addict. Another clue! He seemed very sweet, he drank, but all he did was drink beer, no drugs, not even smoked cigs. So, silly me, I thought this was a good thing. We dated, got closer. Had a ton of trouble with his parents. His mom started to hate me the closer we got. He had custody of his daughter from 2nd marriage. Lost he to his parents, he couldn't even stand up & fight for his own kid. (Another clue.)
We left NY state & moved to Fla. were I grew up, he went twith me, thought it was because he loved me. Silly me. That was 1992. I went to nursing school, he supported us on his job so I didn't have to work, just concentrate on school. We got married in Nov. 1993, the same year I started school. All was good. We moved back to NY in April 1995, he brought me here, I stayed at a girlfriends, he wnet back to Fl. we still had lease on apt. I was to look for a job as an LPN. I found an apt. for us, he came up in May. We were sooo happy together.
1996 we bought this house in the country. He met a guy who works at the auto filter store in the village, another A. They got to be close, now they are closer then me & my husband. Our marriage has delcined steadily since then. He spent many nights with his "buddy" drinking beer in our garage. I spent many nighta alone, crying. He doesn't hit me, he doesn't really even verablly abuse me. But, he doesn't act like a husband, he puts his friends needs first. I have told him that if he made plans with his buddy, he will NOT change them, he has even told me "I promised Keith.", He wouldn't change them if I was having a heart attack!!!!!!!!!!He'ld step over me & say "I promised Keith."
So, the question of should I stay or should I go, only we can answer that for ourselves. It depends on how much we are willing to tolerate, boundaries, forget them in my case. What, can you please spend a little less time with the friends & more with me, he says he does, says he is changing, but he is NOT. Here, I have found no one will think badly of you when you say you'll leave then you change your mind. It's the nature of the disease, the A's & ours.
Hope this is of some help. I wish you luck & no matter what you decide, you are always loved here!!! Debbie
I liked your last line, "help me see this in a good light?"
I have a particular friend who I turn to when I know I need to look at some issue from a different angle. The new angle may not be the one that is right for me, but it usually gets me unstuck, which is half the battle for me.
The good news is that you have lots of choices -- of course that's the challenge then, too. And no one can decide for you -- even if they have an opinion, it is still your choice. Only you know the totality of your circumstances. Some days hearing this is not what I want -- I want it all to be OK, to be rescued -- but then I have another friend who used to counsel addicts who reminds me that there is the 'Victim - Rescuer - Perpetrator' triangle and when I think of possibly making a choice that would land me into that triangular continuum, well, I don't want to get stuck there, so I accept that my choices are mine.
What I found helpful was going to lots of f2f meetings, reading the literature (including the 'Forum'), and now that I've found this online group, there is wisdom in the postings here, and people who have struggled with what you are dealing with now. I find the support that I and others receive here and in f2f mtgs to focus on ourselves, to respect and take care of ourselves, AND to trust ourselves -- this support is so important, you are not alone. -- so keep coming back.
