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This weekend I had another dose of deception from my "a". I found out that he has been calling the "other woman" for the last two weeks since he's been home. (no sex just calling) On Friday I only knew that he was calling her, he was trying to cover his tracks but not doing a good job of it. I saw her number on his cell phone. At dinner I asked him if he called her at all and he said no. Knowing he called was not enough for me, I had to know the truth as he was not being forthcoming.
Early Saturday morning I called this girl and had a nice conversation with her. From her perspective she said he was on "the fence" with how he felt about me and her. She said he was calling her to say he missed her and thought about her all the time. I found out that he did some lying to her as well telling her that I was sleeping on the couch all last year and there was no intimacy between us. She said I knew there was more to that story when he told me how hard you were taking the breakup and our new relationship. She said she fell for him quickly and that he'd fallen in love with her and they talked about moving in together. She then apologized because she said she had no idea that we were still trying to work things out even when he left. I let her know that my "a" had a decision to make and that I would be talking with him that morning. I let her know that if reconciliation were to happen that he could not be friends with her. She agreed. She said the conversation they had together two days prior was my "a" telling her that he made a promise to me that we were going to work things out and that he wanted to just be "friends" with her. She said she told him that if it didn't work out down the road to give her a call.
So, I sent the kids to my brother's for a couple of hours, got the jerk out of bed and let him know I that I spoke with her. He began getting defensive and I gently told him this was not the time to defend himself, I just needed to know the truth. He didn't deny the things she told me, but said that he felt bad for her. He said I called her because I owe her money and I didn't want to seem like an asshole who just sleeps with someone and a week later says well thanks see ya! He said she was the one pushing to move in together not him. I told him he must be confused about his feelings for her, he said he cares for her loves her as a friend. He said orginally they were just friends but then she began text messaging him, I miss you, and I love you, he said he felt obligated to say it back because she had been so nice to him. He appears to understand now that telling her he cares for her and misses her lead her on and hurt her deeeply. I said you need to be honest with yourself and your feelings. He asked what we should do and I simply said you need to make a decision. He said, well would it help if I called her in front of you and told her it was over and that I would not be speaking to her again. I said if that's how you really feel, it would help.
He called her he said they could never speak or see each other again and that he was sticking to his guns to work things out with me. She said something like fine, don't and hung up. He expressed that she was mad, with every right. I did let her know that a decision would have to be made. He said that he had his doubts about me and the changes I have been making. He was afraid that I manipulated him to get him back into the home because of possession, "like if I can't have you, no one can". I said well that would make me crazy and my feelings would not be authentic. He said up until this past Tuesday when we visited his family he had his doubts that this was real and I was really changing. He said I saw the changes, but i wasn't sure if they were genuine or if things would just return back the way they were. He said Tuesday he saw something different in me and our family and fell in love with me again just like when we first met. That night driving home he praised us all because his family remarked on how special our family was and the good changes they see in him. He said he couldn't have brought anyone else to see his family but me, he said anyone else would have been wrong. Ever since that night he had a gleem in his eye, he couldn't get enough of me and I felt like I finally got the intimacy and the affection I have been praying for. Saturday he told me all that was real which is why he called her that day to tell her that he was working it out with me.
He told me he was encouraging her to move on with another guy that she just met, but she wouldn't give up. His buddy knew he was talking with her, and basically told him just pay her the money and be done with this. His buddy told him you have no idea what this girl would tell your wife just to get you thrown out of the home so you'd be single again. I didn't think of that either. I handled myself well, I was calm, mature, and respectful. My heart was crushed but after hearing both sides I see how she was lead to believe there was going to more to their relationship, and I see that he cared for her and maybe even loves her, but says his feelings for me run much deeper. He said at the time of their relationship he was so heartbroken about me kicking him out and the aweful things I said he wanted comfort and companionship. He said I feel bad because I guess I used her but I didn't want to admit that I did. He said he really felt like crap and when she said how much she missed him, he said he said it too to ease her pain.
I'd like to believe all of this, it hurts, I'm nervous that he'll continue this relationship with her, but he has assurred me that her number is gone, he burned the card her number was on in front of me, we went through great lengths to change the phone numbers, I'll be changing my home number today and getting caller ID. I let him know that in order for trust to come back I have to see and know in my heart that she is gone forever and know that he will be faithful. He has never cheated on me in the four years we have been together. He said he was genuinly sorry, it was stupid and he wants me to know that he's here with me, its not about the boys, its about me. He even picked a wedding date, which is huge because we have had three dates in four years and never followed through with them. He said he doesn't feel strongarmed into this, he said he's ready for this step and is committed. ( For me, I'm scared shitless)... My plan is to take this one day at a time, continue to watch and observe. Any other ESH would greatly be appreciated today.
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You handled that really well. It sounds like you were very calm throughout, something that the other day I definitely was not. You should be extremely proud of yourself whatever the outcome. Keep working your program and focus on your own needs as well. Luv Leo xx.
My A has not been out with another woman but sometimes his issues with his friends totally impede on our relationship. I can very much relate to the lies, going behind my back and two stories going at once. I know the A has told many people that I am the one with issues. I used to get extremely upset about some of the A's ways of relating to others.
I set a lot of limits with him about the way that the friends could intrude on me and my space. Last night I had an epiphany of sorts regarding my issues with boundaries and limits. I am so grateful to be in al-anon and working on this issue.
I think personally A's create a lot of diversions. How I get caught up in the diversions is up to me. I have had A boyfriends leave me totally out of the blue and blame me totally for the relationship break up when they lied cheated and dumped me uncermeoniously. I think these days as long as someone is an A and not working on their issues their chances of acting out are high.
Oh Twinmom - I feel that you are almost telling my story. Of course the situation is different, but the feelings are the same. I just don't know how you can ever truly believe anything, once you are involved in this kind of situation, but that's just how I'm feeling right now!
It is a one day at a time thing, and it's not fun. It's watching, spying, looking over his shoulder and trying to regain trust. He doesn't trust you (because he's afraid - as you said - that you'll go back to telling him off) and you're afraid that if you say one nasty thing - even though it may be justified, that he's got these arms to run into. It's not a fun place to be, and my heart goes out to you, because I'm there too right now and I hate this feeling!
There is a part of me that wants to make this work so much, yet I wonder how we can let go of these things. I know the program works, even though I've just begun it. I'm learning about detachment and not owning their behavior and disease. The hardest part I have with is lies and betrayal. It's hard to detach from them telling people things about ME that are embellished or simply not true. We had broken up too, in the fact that we separated our living quarters, but he pretends that he is single and we are best friends. That has never been true. We have never been single and we are NOT best friends (I wish we were).
In any case - I hope for you that you can get through this unscathed and that he is being real now that he sees that you are committed to working on it. I believe the other woman is telling you what she believes you want to hear. It sounds like if she had her way she'd be pulling him away, if she could. I hope, for your sake, she does not try to push him further. I really hate the fact that we are presented with competition in the first place. The commitment should be that, though temptation is always out there, the joy of having a good relationship is in knowing that the other person will resist temptation because what they have is worth holding onto!
i had the same problem with my "A" and another woman...he called "just a friend" he also told me he hadn't called her..when i saw her number in his cell phone..and he denied it...then he said he hadnt seen her when i discovered texts on his phone telling this girl not to let me know he had called or i would go mental..cos i was " very insecure"...WHATEVER!!!!!
he also burned this girls number in front of me...and swore that he would never speak to her again..
he had her number written down in other places and ended up calling her from payphones coz i was getting the phone bill itemised. the lies and deception were too much for me.#
i hope your "A" is different...for your sake..twinmom... im praying for you to stay strong and that you hang on to the TRUST ..what you've got left of it. mine ran out.
