Karen, yes I personally do believe it is possible to change. I can change me but not the alcoholic. I also had acquired a vitriolic tongue through the process of living with alcoholism, then felt all kinds of horrible after I'd lashed someone to pieces with it. Many times my pain, anger and frustration would come out sideways and I 'took it out' on the wrong person.

That was the first thing that improved when I went to Al-anon. I worked out where these feelings were coming from, what my real issues were and took responsibility for myself. For example, I had a seething resentment because my A would insist on leaving soggy teabags on the worktop and not put them in the bin an arms-length away. I use this example purely because it is so trivial and shows the level of my distortion. I seriously over-reacted to this on many an occasion before I realised it wasn't his apparent laziness and the fact that I had to clean up, bleach the side down etc. that bothered me. It actually represented to me his complete lack of respect for my wishes, his lack of appreciation for all I did and his expectation that I would always clean up his messes. Once I recognised this I stopped cleaning it up, told him how I felt disrespected and unappreciated and set boundaries for myself in the areas where he was disrespecting me. I also stopped expecting appreciation from a sick person who was unable to meet his own needs, let alone mine.

Nobody can make me feel a certain way unless I allow it. There's a reading about 'taking offence' in one of the daily readers and another about courtesy and a woman at a newspaper stand. These stick with me today. I don't have to allow myself to be affected by someone-elses mood or actions. I can take offence or react to anothers discourtesy or I can choose my emotions; if, when and how I will respond. It was difficult but like anything got easier with practice. I'm not one to 'stuff my feelings' so I started taking time to consider carefully the situation and then decide how I could appropriately deal with it. Sometimes, I would speak with the person concerned tell them calmly and without blame how I felt (which made me feel I was being true to myself) but I also had to accept that they may not understand, validate or respect my feelings. Sometimes I set boundaries. Sometimes I removed myself from the situation or stopped getting involved in things that weren't my business. Most importantly, I had to remain consistent. There's absolutely no point in having elastic-boundaries, it defeats the object of the exercise.

I specifically relied on the slogans when dealing with confrontational situations. 'How important is it?', 'Think', 'Keep It Simple' and 'Let Go and Let God'. I used the Serenity Prayer like a mantra to regain my equilibrium before I made choices. I used several suggestions from the Just For Today card; to have a quiet half hour all by myself to get a better perspective, Just for today I will be happy, Just for today I will be agreeable, etc.

You can be happy but you have to want it and work hard for it. We all make mistakes and that's ok we're human. We can't maintain all of our program all of the time but if you're honest, open and willing, it can get better a day at a time.

In my case I decided although I could 'be happy whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not' I didn't want to live with active alcoholism and the ensuing chaos indefinitely. I wanted something better, something more than the sadness and destruction. I split from my active A in 1999. We subsequently divorced. He eventually found recovery and today we are reconciled. We are both trying to live with each other and our defects a day at a time in our respective programs. Its progress not perfection.

I hope something I've said may give you the hope you were looking for. Ultimately, it's your recovery and as you learn and grow you will be strengthened to make the changes that are right for you.

With love in the fellowship,

Maria X