Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Dalbert · Member

Detachment, enabling or compassion.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dalbert I found that examining my motives and expectations helped me to determine if my actions were manipulative or simply an act of compassion and kindness. Letting go of expectations was a huge step for me as I finally understood that I was powerless and once that happened, i found i could be gentle an compassionate with all.
The reasons for the underlying anger is one that I found as I worked the Steps . It had many causes. Keep on keeping on

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, Dalbert, I read your post and it immediately brought me back. I went through the exact same thing. For me, the worst part was feeling so bad after the fact. I felt like I got conned into being a nice guy and accepting the unacceptable. My wife was sick and same same. I offered, she said no, and when she finally said yes, she was just saying how she wanted to get better, feel better, etc. -- she would do anything just to feel better. I go to the store, I get various meds, and I felt OK with that. I felt good about that. I felt like we connected and we both just wanted her to feel better. I felt like I was doing something for her and she was appreciative, she was embracing, etc.

Even before she felt better -- "I'm feeling better" was the proclamation. And then she drank. Just a glass of wine to "loosen" both "it" up and "her" up. To help her relax, and ultimately go to sleep. She started her glass of wine. Finished half, and then filled it up again. Finished a quarter and filled it up again. She said -- it's only one glass!!! Yes, one glass, never finished, and refilled 4 times!!!

I felt angry. I felt conned. I felt like I was taken advantage of. I felt like, if you were OK enough to drink, then you could have gotten your own meds!!! Why? Sure, it's easy to say I had an expectation. I love when people say, oh, you were disappointed because you had an expectation. Yes, of course, thank you! LOL. But that's what I had to work on -- expectations, acceptance, making change, in me!

So, what did I do. I called my sponsor. I went into acceptance, big time. I surrendered to what happened, how I felt, and I let it go. I realized that I should look at me, and why I did what I did, and felt what I felt. I did was I did, yes, because of compassion. But also with an ulterior motive -- hoping she wouldn't drink. Why? Because I did something nice for her? I don't know. I not only did it for her...but I did it for me!!! And I felt good for a short-lived, brief moment in time...and then I felt worse!!!

Lesson learned...nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes. What can change? Who can change? ONLY ME and MY thinking, behavior, etc. I had to learn how to detach...more than I was. If I was going to get the meds...I had to do it without being vested in what happens afterward. I had to do it with no expectations. I had to just do it, without the focus on her. I had to learn how to be there for her...but in a healthy way...a way that was healthy for ME. That might not be good enough for her. That might not be enough for her. I had to be able to just do it and not be affected by the outcome!!! If I could do that, then I did. If I couldn't, then I wouldn't do it. Back then I couldn't. Today I can. That's my recovery. Almost a quarter of a century in the rooms. All the work I've done...on me, about me.

I can't speak to the alcoholic and their sobriety. In alanon we keep the focus on us. For me, my sobriety is healthy thinking, healthy decision making, doing what's best for me. When I don't do those things, then I am not "sober" from my disease. So for me -- the "the SLIP" -- is just that. It's a slip from me being healthy, on a healthy track, thinking and behaving in a healthy way. SLIP = Sobriety Lost It's Priority.

Dalbert, time takes time. No one goes on a diet, goes to bed on a Monday, and wakes up Tuesday morning having lost 30 lbs. Little by slowly. For newcomers, it takes time, time to learn the skills, tools, slogans, changes in thinking, and everything else. We make progress on everything we try. Early on, sometimes, we try, and we falter. We stumble. But, with more trying, we keep trying, and we get better. We make progress. All the best.

-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 29th of April 2018 12:52:54 PM

Dutchy · Senior Member

Oh Dalbert I am a newcomer and I am still learning and often get these three confused or wrong and end up in a tiff with myself. This board helps me hugely as well as doing Step work.

Dalbert · Member

Thank You everyone for the support. I have to keep telling myself one of the C's. Cause. I have no problem with the cure it or the control it but after 3 years of arguing and squabbling, always being told the reasons she drank was my fault(s), I firmly believed it. Now I know better and I wonder why I even engage her while she drinks.

I look at it this way. I was a very heavy smoker.i quit smoking on March 12, 2014. Yes I know the exact date. Through all of my problems with my wife's drinking, I didn't go out and get any cigarettes. But if I did, it would be MY weakness, not hers. I wouldn't be quick to blame her as she does me for her drinking.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Dalbert - congrats. on the smoking - I too stopped and it was not easy!!! Good on you.

Just FYI - do what you want with this but Nyquil is a huge No-No for an alcoholic in recovery. It's got 2x% alcohol and is easy to relapse with/on/because of. Having said that, here's my very simply way of defining/applying the three terms.

Detachment - Separating myself emotionally (and physically if needed) from the actions/emotions of another.

Enabling - Doing for others what they can do for themselves. Being more concerned about the future of another more than they are (health, actions, legal, etc.)

Compassion - willing and able to be of service to another with no expectation of ANYTHING in return.

Like Betty suggests, I too examine my motives before taking action often. There is no shame in offering to help another who is sick. My litmus test is what would I do for a friend, parent, child?

When I came to recovery, I had a ton of resentments over the past. I struggled to let them go and be present. The steps helped me not assume the past was going to repeat itself and to see my A(s) as sick people vs. bad people.

I have to keep things really simple as my brain wants to complicate most things, and over-analyze which doesn't go well often for me. I hope this helps and I hope she feels better soon!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dalbert glad you brought that here cause it's a teacher; even old timers can learn from review from that post. For me I see the lover, the supportive "co" with a layer of expectations which is often described as future resentments. I wanted pats on the back from my alcoholic/addict with cheesy smiles however I got resentments which I dealt to myself. I learned to practice more acceptance than expectations so that I would not be thrown off when the disease decided to rear its head with a "gotcha!!" aimed my way. Learning how to be patient with my program growth and forgive myself for expectations of perfection created the ability to laugh at myself when I bumped my head again and later on again until I got more practice with the axiom "No" is a complete sentence and the caveat that I could say it I did not have to say it mean while meaning it.

Thanks for the post which drew others to the recovery. ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene